Tommy slipped on his coat then stood at the door debating whether to ride or drive. The car might give Barbara warning and she might hide from him but if he took Mysterious Lady then he would have to worry about unsaddling her and taking a blanket for the night. Tommy had no intention of returning without Barbara no matter how long it took him.

In the end he walked up to the cottage. It was only two miles and it gave him time to arrange his thoughts. Barbara was an enigma but even for her, moving into his cottage and taking Helen's name was the last thing he would have expected. She had wanted him to find her and that buoyed his spirits but she had also wanted him to know how much he had hurt her. As he walked he tried to fathom what was going through her mind. As her lover he imagined her wanting to be close to him, pining for him and hoping he would ride up, fall at her feet and beg forgiveness. As her friend he could see her keeping a protective eye on him; hoping he came to his senses and would turn up on her doorstep to confess his sins and find solace with his best mate. As a detective he could envisage her as a woman scorned, drawing him into her trap and intending to kill him. He stopped walking.

He could not just storm up there and expect her to tumble into his arms. He squatted on his haunches looking out towards the sea while he thought about what to say. A thousand scenarios flashed through his mind but in the end it would depend entirely on Barbara. She would not stand listening to a prepared speech. Their conversation would be organic and for him, he assumed, painful. He deserved everything she might throw at him, literally and figuratively. He regretted much in his life but leaving her bed was perhaps his worst sin. He had paid dearly for it this week but that anguish was nothing in comparison to the pain he imagined Barbara wanted to inflict.

With a heavy sigh he continued his trek, unaware that Barbara was watching every step through her binoculars. She had not intended to spy on him but knowing he was home she could not resist checking every now and again. She had found a new vantage point slightly below the cottage that gave her a much better view of his driveway. She had seen him standing indecisively at his door. She had studied him as he began walking towards her. Her heart began to race. At first she was not certain that he was coming for her but as he climbed over two fences in a straight line to the cottage his intentions were revealed.

It seemed ludicrous given where she was staying but she was not sure if she was ready to talk to him yet. Her anger had dulled to almost nothing but she was still smarting from his thoughtlessness. Somedays she hated him; others she loved him beyond words. Today she felt both in almost equal measure. It had taken her years to be brave enough to be intimate with him and he had not even let her wake up in his arms. She had felt used, like an unpaid whore, with his false promises of love. She could not just crumble and beg him to take her back. She had her pride.

She wanted him to suffer for the way he had made her feel and yet underneath everything else she wanted her best friend to hold her. She wanted him to tell her he loved her like he had that night. Tears welled in her eyes and began to dribble down her cheeks. She swore at herself for being weak then returned to the sanctuary of the cottage to wait, still not knowing if they were tears of anger, joy or sadness.

Nearly twenty minutes later Tommy straightened his jacket, ran his fingers loosely through his hair and knocked nervously on the blue door. Although he was ninety-nine percent sure Barbara was inside it might just be an uncanny coincidence. No one answered so he knocked again, this time a little more forcefully. An old red sedan was parked behind the cottage so unless she was out walking Barbara was inside.

"Barbara, it's me, Tommy. Please open the door." There was still no response. "You do know that as your Landlord I have every right to break down your door if I think you're in danger or you are endangering the property. I will exercise that right if you don't open this door."

Barbara listened to him playing lord of the manor and snapped. "Go away Lord Asherton. Your rent is paid and I don't want to talk to you, now or ever," she shouted at the door. She was huddled into the chair under the window with her knees drawn up to her chest.

Tommy was relieved to finally hear her voice. "Oh Barbara! I'm so happy to find you. Let me in please."

His tone was caring and it tugged hard on her heart. "No! I repeat I do not want to see you."

He could hear that the fight in her voice was forced. "We both know that's not true Barbara," he said patiently, "if you never wanted to see me you would have disappeared where I would never look. You rented a house on my estate using Helen's name so I would instantly know it was you..."

"It was to hurt you," she shouted, "so you remembered what it was like to be abandoned by the person you love!" Even as she said it she regretted it. That had been a cruel thing to say to a widower. "When she left you, not when she died," she add contritely.

"I know. I understood that as soon as I was told the name. I don't blame you for being angry. I understand that but even so you do want to see me."

"Arrogant bastard!"

"Barbara are we going to stand hurling insults through the door like this or are you going to let me in? I'm not leaving until we talk properly."

He heard footsteps pad to the door. The lock unlatched and the steps retreated. Cautiously he opened the door waiting to intercept a missile hurled at him. Nothing flew and he stepped inside. Barbara sat curled into a ball in the large chair. She was wearing faded jeans and an oversized jumper that would have suited his horse. A stack of unread novels was piled on the floor beside her and a large tartan blanket was balled into a pillow on the couch.

The silence was awkward so he moved the blanket and sat on the couch and waited for her to speak. "Stop staring at me!" she finally managed.

Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked forlorn and scared. Guilt filled him, competing with his need to just hold her. "I know you won't believe me right now Barbara but you look beautiful and I love you more than ever."

Barbara looked up at him with blazing eyes and an expression he recognised as dangerous. "Love! You talk of love. If you cared that damned much why did you run away? You broke me Tommy. I shared everything with you and you ran. I couldn't have given you any more of me and yet it wasn't enough."

Tommy slid onto the floor in front of her. He attempted to take her hand but she tucked her fists into her armpits. "It was! It was enough," he protested.

"Crap. I follow evidence and here it says - he left! Do you have any idea what it's like to have someone leave you like that?"

Tommy lowered his head. "I have an idea."

"And you know what? It wouldn't have mattered if you'd changed your mind about us. You just had to have the courage to stay until morning and tell me. It was easy. 'Sorry Barbara, in the cold, hard light of day I just don't love you the way I thought I did.' Anything but just leaving!"

Tommy searched for the right words. "I'm so sorry Barbara. I've replayed it a thousand times in my head. I don't even know why I left. The way I felt. It was raw and so, so powerful. It scared me that I could live you that much. I kept thinking that I'd lose it, that I'd lose you. If I stayed and you'd left me I could never have coped. I...was overwhelmed."

"I can never leave you. You're part of me you idiot! All your life you've been searching for someone who could love you the same way you love and then you tell me it's too much! I don't believe you at times! You want someone who loves you less? Well the world is full of them. Take your bloody pick."

"I want you Barbara. I need you. That night...you touched me somewhere no one had ever reached. I had never felt the way you made me feel. I don't even have the words to describe it. But it was so intense and you were so beautiful lying there in my arms...you were so trusting...I knew

I would let you down, I would disappoint you, if not that day then another day. I couldn't do that to you and I couldn't face your disappointment in me so I left. I thought it would be easier."

"Easier? You did more than disappoint me. You didn't stop to think that you weren't the only one who found truth that night did you? I was scared too but I was prepared for that. I was willing to try just to keep that; just to have you love me."

"I'm sorry, so very, very sorry."

"I'm sure you are but saying that won't change it Tommy. You ran! You ran like a cowardly dog back to your precious estate. You even left a note saying you didn't want to drag me into your life. Well guess what? I am already in your life. I have been for years one way or another. I get that I'm not suitable material for your wife but did I ask for that? No! All I wanted was love Tommy, your love, for as long as I could hold it. Somehow though I thought it would be more than six hours!"

Tommy knew he deserved every word and more. "I agree with you, totally. I'm a fool. I want you to forgive me. I want to go back to exactly that moment when I had you in my arms but we can't, all we can do is go forward. I want us to do that together, as a couple. You are more than worthy to be my wife and one day I want that but now I just want you to let me try to make it up to you."

"Some things Tommy, are beyond forgiveness."