Finally done. My apologies. This is for the few who like this... monstrosity.
Please enjoy.
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Chapter One
Thor stomped down the hallways of Valhalla, the sting of the All Father's sharp tongue a burn against his wounded pride. It was naught but a short walk from one room down a few halls to the throne room. How?
And 'how what' might one ask? How in all of Asgard and Heimdall's all seeing eyes did Anthony Stark –mortal man and incredibly not stealthy –sneak off in said hallways without Thor even knowing? He stomped down the halls faster, hoping to catch wind of his misplaced charge.
Hopefully he found him before Odin did. His tongue was quite sharp today. Thor winced in remembrance.
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Tony couldn't tell you how he did it except for being completely awesome and exploiting it for all it was worth. He wanted to see this 'Valhalla' and all its splendiferous glory. When lo and behold, a sight it was to be seen! Gold here, gold there and –OH! Look! A good ol' healthy sprinkling of gold everywhere.
And people had the audacity to call him opulent. They obviously haven't met the people here. Stumbling in awed circles –which he will forever deny looking like a gaping fish out of water –Tony tripped down a flight of stairs, noblemen and women alike watching him in utter bafflement. With a smirk and a wink in their directions, ignoring their growing confusion, he stepped from the foyer.
His breath promptly left his breast. He didn't know where the hell he was… but the sight was indeed a sight meant for the gods. A city that sparkled, that was the best he could think of at the moment. Slowly stepping down the grand golden stairs to the courtyard, passing countless intimidating guards in glittering armor, he missed the protests of excitement coming from within the castle of gold.
Instead, Tony continued his merry way down the path and into the town itself. Common folk of varying upbringings and professions stopped to stare at the rather small in comparison man and his peculiar expressions. Tony smirked and bowed once he met a town square in the midst of the huge sea of folk.
Stepping atop the lip of a fountain, he bowed extravagantly several times, exclaiming, "Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!"
Many heads more turned to boggle at the strange man as several murmurs erupted in the crowd.
"Who in the name of the Nine?"
"I am confused. To what is he speaking of?"
"What a strange man…"
"He is quite tiny, isn't he?"
Having caught the less than subtle whisper, Tony glared down at the man who had accused him of being short and hopped from the fountain, choosing silence as the better path of valor. Grumbling about freakishly tall people in odd clothing, he didn't hear the person behind him until a voice spoke.
"It's not often that there is such a big commotion in the commons."
Tony, startled, looked up to spy a tiny red headed woman staring at him blankly. Thin black leather armor practically molded to her skin, she cocks a brow as she catches him checking out her hips. With all the grace and poise that only Tony fucking Stark could pull off in moments of shame, he smirks wickedly at her.
"What can I say, Red, I'm a show stopper."
The red headed woman rolled her eyes as if his very existence was tedious. Tony kind of felt vaguely insulted. Wow, way to make a man feel impotent. Were his charms failing him? He decided to kick it up a notch.
"Say, errmmm, sweetheart, but where even are we?"
She gave him a look at the nickname, basically punching him in the face with her expression that she was less than impressed. Her arms crossed over her chest as she shifted weight from one foot to the other. "Asgard."
Tony hummed in thought, head tipped to the sky as he rubbed at his facial hair. "Uh-huh… And where's that?"
A tiny little smirk that sent unpleasant chills up his spine pulled at her lips as she lowered her arms. "It's exactly where it should be."
"Oh thanks. That cleared everything up perfectly. And now –now that you have given me the answer to the meaning of life and all its many mysteries –I can leave because now you're just wasting time. And time is precious."
The woman smirked at him and nodded before walking away herself. "Good luck then, Mr. Stark."
Staring after her retreating back and trying to ignore the fact that she was inherently creepy –yet sexy –Tony took note that he was actually taller than her.
Odd. Maybe she was what was considered a midget around here. Finally stepping from where he'd been standing for a while, also ignoring the last few lingering stares, he began walking in the direction he'd originally been headed in before stopping. The further into 'Asgard' he got, the darker it became. Eventually, the sound of music and laughter filled his ears and –like the proverbial moth to flame –Tony turned towards it and headed that way.
It turned out to be a tavern and became the first best worst decision he'd ever make in Asgard. At the sound of the door slipping shut quite loudly behind him, a few decidedly more sober heads turned to take him in. With a merry "'Ey!" and a slightly tipsy toast, they were back to their conversations and soaking up liquor with their beards. Tony felt vague repulsion mixed with markedly more jealousy.
Smiling, because this kind of scene he could get used to, Tony began his treacherous way through the boisterous people to the bar counter to get a better view and possibly a drink. It was total coincidence and good fortune that he happened to be beside a beautiful brunette in nice armor. She spared him a glare and looked back to the guffawing giant beside her before looking back to Tony in surprise.
Turning to her in bemusement, but smiling charmingly nonetheless, he watched as she smacked the giant red headed man in his impressive girthy gut to get his attention. The drink in his tankard spilled over and he choked upon the chicken in his mouth. Choking and glaring –as a very handsome blonde laughingly asked if he was alright –the giant turned to her, mouth open to yell when his eyes lifted to gaze upon Tony.
His bushy brows shot upward to his hairline and Tony watched as the blonde and a stern looking man in turn looked to him. Flashing them a cheeky wave, Tony turned back to face the counter. Tony felt that was the end of that for all of five seconds before a giant meaty paw landed on his shoulder and a hearty voice filled his ear cavity far too loudly.
"I've not seen you around here before, lad! What be your name?"
Tony stared at the thick fingers wrapped around his shoulder like a fleshy manacle and followed the massive arm to the giant that it was attached to. His eyes glowed with joviality and Tony relaxed the slightest bit.
He gently removed the hand –how could something that big even be considered a hand? –and grinned at the man. "Yeah, first time in these parts. Kinda just… fell into 'Asgard' as it were. Nice place though, if a bit simple for my tastes. Cozy, if you enjoy the whole 'let's murder that in the name of our ancestors' shtick." His grin grew at the vacant look upon the man's face. "Name's Tony Stark."
Recognition bloomed across all four faces, the blonde smiled as the woman's suspicion melted away, if only slightly. The stern man simply nodded once and that was that as the giant red headed monstrosity beside him boomed with laughter and shook the ground and his mighty stomach with it.
"So you're who we've been hearing whispers of. An honor to meet a fellow warrior such as yourself. An honor indeed."
"Oh yes, Volstagg, and even better that it is a mortal one. We don't hardly see many of those anymore." The blonde stepped from his stool and came to present his flamboyantly masculine presence before Tony. There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes that sparked a tickling of interest in Tony himself. The man held out his hand and smirked winningly at Tony. "The name's Fandral. If you could be so kind as to remember it, we would be in far better standing. I'll be sure to show you the same courtesies, Tony Stark."
As Tony grasped Fandral's hand, he was surprised as a soft kiss was placed upon his knuckles. The brunette smacked Fandral across the shoulder and Tony's hand was dropped in favor of rubbing at it.
"Keep yourself in control, Fandral. No need to flirt shamelessly with anything that carries a pulse."
The blonde merely smirked as he continued rubbing at his shoulder. "No need to be so jealous, my dear Lady Sif. Had I but known you were desperate for my attentions I would have only had you in my sights."
Her lip curled in disgust as Volstagg laughed with a mouthful of half masticated chicken, spraying it everywhere. Tony made sure to stay out of the danger zone as he chuckled. All eyes turned to him, the tenseness in the atmosphere from the two centering in on him. He just cocked his eyebrow and clapped. "As abnormal as this introduction is, now that I know the name of three of you." He pointed unabashedly to the still silent man. "Who are you?"
Volstagg, Sif, and Fandral all turned to look at their friend. His dark eyes stared Tony down before he bowed his head slightly. "Hogun."
Tony raised both eyebrows and leaned back. "Fair enough. Now," he slapped his hands upon the counter. "What does it take for a man to get a drink around here?"
Volstagg and Fandral lifted their tankards in boisterous cheer, a soft rolling of the eyes from Sif, as Fandral's hand fell to Tony's shoulder. What was with the touching? Though.. this hand was preferable to the other mit that kept grabbing at him earlier. He eyeballed the fat fingers mutinously. Fandral's voice brought him back to the present moment. "That, my dear friend, is a great question. Since it is your first time out and about, and it is with great honor that you –a mortal man –have proved your strength by making your way to Valhalla and Asgard. We, the warriors three and the Lady Sif shall buy your spirits for you tonight."
His expression turned quite serious even as his devious hand sneaked lower down Tony's back. "Do not take this show of goodwill lightly. T'is not often that we spend our own for drinks we do not intend to drink ourselves. Let this be a boon and a good welcome to friendship between us."
Tony swallowed at the suddenly serious atmosphere, even as he swatted at the wandering fingers. "Duly noted."
The charming smile was back upon Fandral's face, his mustache twitching in his merriment and his hand filled with his tankard lifted. "Aye! A tankard for my new friend here, Tony Stark! Today we celebrate the beginning of his glorious time in Asgard!"
Differing states of drunkenness cat called and whooped with delight as several tankards smashed together, liquor sloshing messily over the sides before quickly being guzzled back in a mans toast. Tony was honestly a bit touched and when he received his own tankard, the spirit of good company and pleasant music overtook him.
Laughing with Fandral as he poked fun at an ever growing more irritable Sif, a silent Hogun watching, and stealing food from an ever hungry Volstagg –'note to self,' Tony drunkenly thought '… Never ever steal from Volstagg's plate again' –the dusk turned to night as the drink continued and warmed him from the inside out.
It was in the midst of trying to balance the tankard on his forehead while a drunken Fandral and Volstagg cheered him on, a Sif denying he could, and a soft grin upon Hogun's face that the door to the tavern slammed open. The music stopped and all heads in the room turned to the violently thrown door, Tony having dropped his tankard into his lap, spilled alcohol everywhere with a yelp.
All was quiet as a man white with age and a glorious staff stood in the doorway, glowering like the hottest ember in the darkest fire, two ravens flying majestically into the tavern. It wasn't audible, but there was a collective gulp around the room that Tony could sense. Whoever this guy was, he was big shit to these people. Tony caught wind of the eye patch upon his face and burst into a fit of drunken giggles. That singular eye zeroed in on him as Fandral threw Tony down behind the counter, eyes big terrified saucers.
He leaned down and frantically whispered. "Are you mad?! One does not laugh at Odin All Father!"
Oh so that was what Odin looked like. Tony continued to chuckle as he swiped at his eyes, an uncoordinated smile lighting his face in charming boyish humor. Despite himself, it was obvious Fandral softened at the sight, his burning eyes lightening. Tony rubbed at his forehead. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it! He reminded me of someone I know back home. Same glare and eye patch get up and everything!"
Tony was not quiet in his drunken ponderings, and soon the sound of approaching booted feet could be heard. The stools nearest to the place Tony was at on the floor screeched back as a chorus of 'All Father!' called out and one knee for each person was dropped to.
Glancing at the warriors three and the Lady Sif and well… everyone else, Tony noted that he was the only one not down on one knee. Well shit, there goes a good first impression.
He turned to look and nearly jumped at the sight of the burning eye on his person, staff gripped tight enough to hear the leather against the metal creak. The grim line of the All Father's mouth tightened only for a second before he spoke, "Anthony Stark. Son of Howard Stark; The man in Midgard known as the Ironman, one worthy to call Valhalla his home and to walk amongst the Asgardians… and our first meeting, instead of in the throne room as was decreed, nay, but in a common tavern with the man himself reeking of cheap mead and sitting upon the dirty floor like some common riff raff."
Tony could see Thor just around this mans shoulder wince ever so slightly. Tony looked back to Odin, his eye unimpressed and burning with ire. "You, whom I have welcomed into my halls with open arms and perfect hospitality, who has snubbed my attempts at geniality by avoiding that which was meant to be a feast in your honor come our first meeting and came to a tavern to drink himself to foolishness. I am not a man to be trifled with, Anthony Stark and I do not forgive easily the foolishness of those around me. You have set a bad precedence of character with me and it would be in your best interest to adhere to a better mindset."
Tony grit his teeth as he stared up at the infuriating man. Slowly he stood unsteadily. "While I won't disagree that I skipped out on something probably important," several surprised gasps met his ears as he dared to talk back to Odin. "I will not be treated like some mindless dog. I. Am. No one's mindless slave. I am not your pawn to make your plans go whichever way you decree."
Odin's eye narrowed in outrage. "You are a soldier in m–"
"I am not a soldier!"
Odin stopped short, glowering at the shouted interruption. Thor looked between them both like a kicked puppy might; wanting to help but unsure if it were wise to speak against his father at the moment when it was true what he said.
The silence drug on as Odin and Tony stared each other down.
"A warrior then."
At the foreign voice, all turned to look at the man approaching Odin and Tony. Another blonde, though short haired and carefully sculpted hairdo, blue and red armor encased him. The tall muscular blonde nodded once and continued. "A warrior then of Odin's armies." He looked Tony up and down as he held out a hand. "Steve."
Tony glared at the proffered hand before grasping it in a halfhearted shake, too irritated to comment on the normality of his name. His eyes turned back to Odin who once more looked ready to speak. "You were found worthy of Valhalla, Anthony Stark. A feat very few can claim to have accomplished." A pointed look was tossed in Steve's direction. "But you are bold and brash when you should not be."
Tony opened his mouth to retort but at the stern look and disapproving toss of head from Steve had him slowing his words. Odin continued. "You have survived much to have made it this far; betrayal, the loss of those closest to you" –Tony swallowed thickly at the mention of that –"and debilitating poisoning. You have risen above all expectations of your people and yet you fight me. For what does it gain you? What have I done for you to disregard me so?"
Tony snorted gracelessly. "I do as I please. And you," a damning finger pointed at the All Father, causing his eye to darken in warning. "You know nothing of me and my life."
With a toothy snarl, Odin slammed his staff Gungnir upon the ground, the shockwave near felling Tony to his knees. "I know all there is need to know, Anthony Stark. You are a champion of your people but you are loud and pompous to all those around you. You crave attention as if you are starved for it and when someone comes close to breaking your exterior; you close up and become as cold as ice. You are a contrary and cruel being despite your past having should taught you a lesson in humility."
The silence that followed was tense and awkward, Tony wishing to speak but unknowing what to say. Thor stood behind his father, his expression nothing but grim as Steve shook his head sadly. Odin heaved in air like he had been running for hours before.
A soft hand fell upon Odin's shoulder and he stiffened in stubbornness. A beautiful blond woman stepped around him and softly smiled at him, though her eyes were sharp. "My love, perhaps you should let me take over? You have spoken your piece, now let me."
It was a nicely wrapped threat perfectly packaged in sanguine sweetness. The All Fathers lips tightened before his eye snapped to Tony and with a billow of his grand cape, he all but marched from the tavern. Many whispers of 'Frigga' were bounced around as everyone once more bowed deeply.
Kind eyes turned to Tony and she winked once. "Take a turn about the commons with me, won't you Anthony Stark?" Once again, not a request despite the politeness of it.
Tony nodded dumbly as he wrapped his arm around hers and they began their night stroll. All was silent for a while, the sounds of darkness the only conversation amongst them. Frigga smiled, a faraway air about her. "You remind me vaguely of someone very dear to me. The same 'devil may care' what the laws dictate kind of attitude… Someone who I miss dearly."
Tony frowned thoughtfully, figuring it was a rhetorical statement and one that did not need a following response. It was finally hitting him, despite the inebriated state he was in. "This… This isn't some coma induced dream is it?"
Frigga looked to him, expression serious. "No. No, I'm afraid it isn't, Anthony Stark."
Absentmindedly Tony shot back, "Just Tony please… Why am I even here? What am I even to do? I've only vaguely gotten bits and pieces about an army and a warrior..?"
Frigga stopped walking and sat down upon the rim of a nearby fountain. Tony vaguely noted that it was the same as earlier, though now the square was void of people sans them. She grasped his hands gently. "Tony, then. You may call me Frigga… as to why and how. Tony, you are a fallen warrior from Midgard; Earth." She clarified at his blank look. "The final battle you took part in.. you would have perished had not Herja come and saved you from the grips of Hel; you would have perished and your soul lost to the whims of Helheim. As for what, well… You were brought here to be a general in the armies of my husband, a great honor indeed. You are to fight alongside us when Ragnarok comes and every battle in between."
Tony blinked as he stared at the ground. "… Well that's comforting. But I am an engineer, I build things. I'm not one built for hand to hand combat. My strength is in my suit and I don't have that here so I'm basically useless. And also, woah, general? I don't know if you know me but I know me. Not exactly general material here."
Frigga chuckled as her fingers carded gently through his hair. "I know you well enough, Tony, to know that you think too little of yourself. You are a great man, and while yes, strength is not to your advantage your mind is a devious weapon all on its own. Fret not and have more self worth. Your intellect will serve you well. As for a possible forge and supplies… I shall speak with my husband, attempt to clear the air of misunderstandings and wounded pride. Perhaps I shall persuade him to be lenient." She winked playfully as she stood and brushed wrinkles from her dress.
Turning to look at Tony she smiled. "And as for being a general… Do not think you are the only one. In fact, I do believe you have met two of them today alone." With that cryptic answer, she bowed and turned and walked away with elegant poise.
Vaguely smirking, Tony chuckled. "I like her. She reminds me of a medieval Pepper."
It was in the next moment that Tony smacked his forehead. He had just walked –in very close proximity –with the queen of Asgard smelling like booze and drunk as a skunk.
It was in the following moment that he realized he had no fucking idea where he was or how the hell to get back to where he needed to be and was too drunk to do anything about it.
Rubbing at his aching temple, Tony chuckled humorlessly. "Oh, fuck it."
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My nose ring itches.