"Facing a cold, bitter truth?" Eiri echoed, raising an eyebrow at his former lover. A frown touched his features, and he rose to his feet. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Shuichi said with a sigh, "that I'm waking up, I guess, to everything around me. I don't know. I can't explain it."

Eiri held out his arms to Shuichi. Though they were no longer lovers, every now and then they needed someone to hold, someone to comfort them and to say the things they needed to hear. Whether they wanted to hold or to be held, or to hear harsh words was another story entirely, but theirs had always been an odd relationship. He waited.

Reluctantly, Shuichi crossed the room, tears forming in his eyes before streaming down his cheeks. He didn't run to Eiri anymore or fling himself at the author when the tears came. Those days were over, and had been for several months now. Eiri had no regrets. Rather, he didn't have many regrets about the end of his and Shuichi's relationship. They had done a great deal together, laughing, crying, shouting, and general living. They had learned from each other, learned what they truly desired, and knew the time had come for them to move on. It had had to come to end, after all. There were no such things as happy endings in real life, no matter how hard anyone tried to spin such an ending. Every now and then, he'd wonder what life would be like if they hadn't agreed to go separate ways. Would they be able to talk freely with each other as they did now? Would they still be able to handle the other's career and the demands such careers made? More importantly, would they be happy with each other and be able to continue nurturing what the other needed? Then he'd scoff at himself and firmly scold the side that missed Shuichi to forget about it. The road not taken did not apply to them, and hadn't for a long time now. They were better off as friends.

Once Shuichi was in his arms, Eiri wrapped them tightly around the younger man and closed his eyes. The lithe form pressed next to him trembled slightly, and sobs started to pour forth at a slow rate.

As his former lover cried himself out, Eiri steered them to the closest wall. These situations never happened frequently, but the two had found it a lot easier just to stay in one room and lean against a wall, Shuichi nestled comfortably in Eiri's arms. It was how they ended up when the feelings of loneliness and self-loathing hit them, and this time would be no different. Eiri needed a distraction, and Shuichi needed someone to cry freely to about his troubles. Yes, hearing Shuichi cry still grated on Eiri's nerves, but it still offered some form of continuity to his life. The vocalist's troubles were usually simple things that were easily remedied.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Eiri's back rested against the wall. Shuichi's head lay against his chest, the vocalist finally shedding the last of his tears. Now that the waterworks were over, discussions could begin in earnest.

"What's going on, Shuichi?"

"Nothing, anymore."

"Anymore?" Eiri raised an eyebrow at that.

"Yeah . . ." Shuichi let out a sigh and adjusted himself, sitting up a little straighter than before. Amethyst eyes gazed up at him. "I've made some decisions, Eiri. Some big ones, and a lot of people are going to hate me for what I'm about to do."

"Is that what's bothering you?"

"In a way, yes," came the reply. Shuichi lowered his gaze. "Things are just getting to be so crazy anymore. I feel like I can't even breathe even though I know I am. I can feel my chest move each time I take a breath, but it doesn't feel like I'm getting enough air. I don't understand it."

They were silent for a few moments, Eiri digesting everything Shuichi had said. He couldn't breathe yet he was still breathing. It made no sense, but the mind worked in mysterious ways. Shuichi's hindered ability to breathe was probably stress-induced anyway.

"How long?" he inquired.

Shuichi paused then drew a deep breath.

"A little over three months now."

"And it never occurred to you you might be having a panic attack?" Eiri inquired.

"It did."

"Are you still having this problem?"

"Yeah."

"Then why . . ."

"Because they're not panic attacks, Eiri. I've already talked to someone about this. I'm not having panic attacks. My chest never hurts when the feeling of not being able to breathe hits. I just can't breathe."

"So what's been going on to cause this?"

Shuichi drew a deep breath . . .