May 1945
Zell am See, Austria
It's been almost two months since I've been under Easy's protective wing, and those two months already felt like mere days instead of months. I was being moved around with the men, town after town after town with no real objective than to get to Berchtesgaden and take over the town, which was now deserted when we got there from the outskirts of Bavaria. I didn't think it would be deserted, but one we rolled into the town with the high mountains keeping us in like a protective shield from the world, I knew it was true.
The war was starting to wane.
Not one soul was seen there as we rolled through the cobbled streets and we were flooding it ourselves, the soldiers there looking around like we were about to be attacked and the Germans were hiding within the buildings near the windows. But nothing, we saw and heard nothing, so we assumed that the town was ours for the taken, well, theirs for the taken.
Since we were moving around on a constant, I was mostly there with my own thoughts and my own journal, almost looking back at them from time to time now in hopes of try and piece my time at the camp together and see if it did make sense. Some of it seemed foggy within my mind and the voices sounded muffled. Other moments within my journal were crystal clear, hitting me hard across the face or like cold water was splashed on me.
Joe tried to make me not read them, thinking that it was bad enough for me to dwell on what happened to me back there in the camp. I knew he was still are about it, beyond sore since he knew I was still trying to recover and get over what happened to me. I was never going to get over it, I was still carrying the scars with me like they were strands of my own hair. He was hoping to make me better, and he first wanted to start with the journal.
"Don't read it anymore, Georgie," he tried talking to me about it once after we settled into the town and he was at my door that was leading into my apartment on the first floor. It was nice to not to have the others around me and making sure I was going to get through the day, yet the others knew to back off and leave me be. Now I didn't know whether it was because Joe scared them into keeping their mouths shut, or that they were worried I was a walking time bomb. Either way, he was thinking that looking back at my journal was going to make me depressed, or angry.
"I can't remember some of the things that happened in the camp," I explained to him calmly now as I was moving some of my things from the army bag that they gave me onto the bed now and then pausing to look over at him.
"Maybe it's because it fucked you up," Joe tried to reason with me now with a bark in his tone that he tried to keep calm, having me snap a look at him for cursing like that and already trying to get angry about me, again.
"Genug!" (Enough!) I said to him in a low tone, seeing him shift and say nothing now as he heard me silence him in a German accent now. I was not going to let him become bitter and calloused over because of something that happened to me. I also knew that Easy discovered a camp themselves outside of Landsburg, and that already wrecked him. But for him to see and know that his girlfriend was in a camp herself as a POW, I would think he would want to commit suicide at this point.
"I'm trying here, Joe," I said to him now, pointing to the journal and seeing him watch me point to the damn thing like I was about to touch something and be lit on fire,"I'm not wanting to go back to every single event like It's a pleasant memory. I'm just…trying to come to terms with what happened to me because, if I bottle this up and just place it under the rug, I'll suffocate." He eyed me then, having me move my hand from the journal and then shove them within my pockets. If there was going to be one person that was going to suffer from this, it was going to be me, not him.
"I don't want you to think about it anymore," He tried to reason with me now as I walked over there to him and felt my fingers twitching against my jacket from already being worked up with him and almost scolding him like a child.
"I have to think about it, because I can't push it aside as easily as others can," I explained to him some more now as I was walking closer and closer to him and seeing him still have the bubbling hate under his skin and almost coming to the surface, "The thing is…whether I can help it or not…I can't stop dreaming about that camp and seeing the men being shot in front of me." The last part of that sentence was almost a whimper, already seeing the blood back within my vision and how I thought it was going to be next. Joe could see me crumbling, not as bad as before, but it was still happening to me and he then reached over to pull me into his arms again. I hugged him close, realizing that this was my sense of sanctuary and content.
"I wanna take those memories from ya, I really do," Joe mumbled into my hair, having me nuzzle into him some more since I knew it was true and Joe was never really one for letting me be dragged behind.
"I know you do," I replied back to Joe now as he kissed my hair there and I felt like the protective bubble was back over us again, "If it happened to you I would do the same,"
"I just don't want this will break you apart, cause I see it coming," Joe explained as he pulled away a bit to look down at me and have me see the uneasiness there written all over his face.
"When it comes I'll just have to be tough enough to carry on with it," I replied to him calmly.
"Not with me carryin' ya," Joe countered back to me in almost a possessive tone now, having me sigh and close my eyes to rest my forehead against his chest. I didn't know what else to do now since Joe was never going to give up anytime soon when it came to my protection, and no matter how many times I told him to let me breathe. He was never going to, and I knew it meant to do this for the best and for the both of us.
"You would stay with me," I started, knowing that I was about to open a huge can of worms from what I was about to tell him, "Even after all I went through and how messed up I am in the head—"
"Don't you dare," He said now in almost a bold manner, pulling me away from him a bit and having my hands on my arms now to hold me there. I could feel it within his grip on my arms, how he was looking down right at me. I had to tell him how I was feeling, how I was trying to get my own head back together and it wouldn't be fair for him to come along for my own ride of insanity. He was far too good as a person to see me like this and thinking that I was the woman in the past when we first met. I was far different then, and he had to know that.
"I don't ever want you to think of yourself as something fucked up or damaged," Joe reasoned with me with a stern tone on his lips and a hard look on his face, "I never saw you that way, Georgie. What happened to you, was not even close to being normal for someone to go through. You are far too good and precious to be damaged, and you're still not, okay?"
"Okay," I had to mumble that in turn not since I couldn't think of anything else to say to him. He grinned at me, moving his hands down to lace our finger together once again.
"I still and will always love you," He reminded me in a softer tone, no longer seeing a bit bold in front of me and he grinned now, having me smile back at him and then see him eye the journal again there on the bed, "Why don't we go on a walk, eh? I heard the lakes here are a bit on the romantic side, you know?"
"As if you wanna go just on a walk with me," I said to him in almost a tease me.
"Oh come on, Georgie. You know how many walks we've been on back in Aldbourne, they were my favorite times together."
"You never told me that," I said to him in surprise as he chuckled.
"Eh, I'm not sappy," He admitted, having me smack him playfully in the shoulder lightly.
"Liar," I called him out on his own bullshit. We had a small glimmer of hope back within us again, with our laughter with one another and how simple it felt in how we were no longer going to be absorbed with what happened to me. I wanted it to be simple, I wanted it so badly now since it was all I had left. Joe wanted it too, yet it felt like we were on the different pages when it came to that. It's been two months, and I was still trying to gasp from drowning.
Thank God for Joe.
The whole lake looked like a dream, crystal clear there and nestled there between two large hills that were covered by trees. It almost all looked like technicolor to me, since I was so used to the color gray or black from my past time in the camp. But this was vibrant, almost trying to show me that there are good things to look forward to in the world and I have to go find it myself.
It was the lake really.
I didn't know what I was thinking of doing, but after standing there for a moment or two after Joe moved away from me and was talking to another couple of the guys that were hanging out by the lake too, one of them being Webster and another couple of guys from another company. They were chit chatting as I was looking right at the edge of the lake and I could see the waters hitting the shore so gently. It made me close my eyes for a moment or two, hearing the sounds of the lake there ringing in my ears and making me already think of home. This time, thinking of Washington D.C. and my family there, it was not a time for me to think back to get better. I've done that before in the camp, in times of pure need to find a silver lining in m shitty life, and I would think of home and how warm it would feel like to be back there within my old neighborhood. Those times were desperate.
But now, it was reminiscing.
The small beaches near my neighborhood and the times I would spend there in the summer or autumn time with my brothers were memorable, having me feel safety from thinking about my time at home now and it finally made me grin there against the lakeshore. After all the things I went through back in the camp. back when I could hear the Captain still within my own ears and even feel the snow on my skin and the blood there too staining me for life. After all of that, I had to look back at this lake and know that I made it out of the hell that threatened me.
Slowly I untied my boots, my own eyes were not leaving the lake and how it sparkled in front of me from the shining of the sun, almost making me think the water was more of crystals than anything else. Once I got my feet out of my boots, I got my socks off and stuffed them into the boots and then shrugging off my jacket, standing there in my pants and a dark green shirt that they gave me as an extra shirt and then moving my hair from its braid to flow in the wind again. I felt like this was going to be some kind of baptism for me, to dunk my head in the waters and get all of those demons within my head out and into the waters.
"What she doin'?" I heard someone talking behind me now, maybe it was Webster but who knew, as I was dipping my toes into the cool waters of the lake, already thinking of home and how good the water felt already as my feet were underwater, then the water getting to my ankles and then over my calves as I was slowly walking into the lake now and taking my sweet time to do so. I could feel the cool water, how it felt so crisp against my still healing skin that felt so raw until then, and as it was reaching m thighs and having my pants wet and clinging to my skin there on my legs, I was feeling the stress and the pain melting away like the snow in the spring.
I was up to my hips then when I placed my hands on top of the water, my palm against the water top and feeling it tickle my palms there and having me sigh in relief then.
"Georgie?" Joe asked now, a bit on the concerned side as the water went over my hips and to my waist and midsection, having me feel the water getting closer and closer to my upper chest and my breathing slowing down and my mind slowly going back to Washington D.C., going back to the house I grew up in and to my own bed that was warm and inviting.
The water reached my neckline and everything else was under the water, the sensation of cooling needles touching my skin all over like a small shock and I just sighed in relief then. I felt my hair getting wet as I was getting lower and lower to where the water was touching my mouth and I inhaled.
Being under the water felt like I was no longer in the land of the living, or in the current place I was in really. I felt more like I was a child again, learning how to swim and just letting the water take control over me and learning to have the water take care of me. It was how my father taught me when I was so small, to learn to let go of control at first and learn how to move with the current. I could hear him in my head telling me to rely on the water.
I had my eyes closed for a moment or two while I was under, only to have the sensations of the lake fill me and then I opened my eyes to see the bluish lake that I was submerged in. It seemed like blue glass to me, a blue mass of nothingness that seemed more calming than ever. I could hear someone muffled from the surface and the sound of splashing of water behind me. I didn't know who it would be at first, but then I felt two hands on my jacket, grabbing me in a bit of force now and then yanking me up to the surface with such force it almost felt like a panic. I was yanked up hard now, breaking the surface and almost gasping from he shock of it all now and blinking a few times once I reached the surface and the fresh air again. Whoever it was that brought me up for air again was still holding onto my jacket and having me shift a bit to see who it was.
"What in the hell were ya thinking?" I looked behind me, seeing that it was Joe now and he released me from his hold on my jacket. He looked a bit wet himself, but not as much as I was as he was looking at me like I was about to commit suicide myself. Did it look that bad? It wasn't like I was running into the lake ready to end my life and just drown to death, not to mention me not snagging some pebble to weigh down in my jacket pockets. But knowing Joe, of course, he was more concerned about me wanting to take the plunge.
"What?" I asked, not clearly having it clink in my head as I was still blinking out the water droplets from my eyelashes that were hitting my cheeks. Joe looked a bit flustered then, seeing it in my eyes that there wasn't really any sadness there, but mostly confusion as to why he looked like he was about to panic.
"What were you doing?" He asked again now, but no longer sounding angry with me but more confused than ever. I just had to smile from it, from how this was both not making sense and coming all together at the same time with me.
"What does it look like?" I countered back with him, rubbing my face with my fingers to get more waters off of the skin there and Joe stayed quiet for a moment to two, then seeing him shrug a bit there and there wasn't anger between us anymore.
"It looks like you're doing it wrong," He mumbled back to me, having me chuckle a bit there from how casual he sounded. I pulled him into my arms then, the both of us hugging each other in the middle of the freaking lake and I felt like smiling, even after being asked to the bone and wet all over, all I could think about was this moment of not being afraid or not being damaged. This was a better time for me then, and with Joe hugging me back and just accepting what I was doing was even better for me then.
"I thought for a second you were going to—"Joe mumbled in my arms, but I shook my head to stop him.
"You need to have more faith in me when it comes to something like that," I replied back to him, kissing the side of his head with my wet lips and feeling him snuggle into me more, "Besides, isn't it against our religion to commit suicide?"
"Haven't brushed on my readin' in awhile, but I think so," Joe answered and he pulled away to look at me now with a small smile on his face. I had to grin back because of how handsome he looked there in front of me.
"Joe," I stated his name like it was heavenly, "Have faith in me, you need to try and do that much, okay?"
He said nothing more, just holding me there as we were still sitting there in the lake, sinking in all of the things I told him about relying on me and still believing in me. I knew it was hard for him, and it was still hard for me too to think that I was asking him simply to forget what happened to me. But I also knew what grief can do to a person, how it can twist someone from the inside out and transform them into a brutal creature of hell. I saw how it happened to my father when my mother died.
I was not going to let that happen to Joe. Not for one minute.