AN: Quick heads up – a lot of notes for this one, sorry.
Thank you's and Inspiration
A great big thank you to don't-blink-doctor-rose and, most of all to my new beta reader, The Clever Doctor, who gave me the inspiration and suggested the right enemy to make this chapter happen and who kept giving me feedback even when google doesn't quite want to play ball – thank you! Without her help this wouldn't have ended up anywhere near as well, so thank you times a thousand! And it was her birthday yesterday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
And, as always, this chapter is dedicated to all my fantabulous reviewers (you're all fantastic and fabulous in one), your responses are at the end of the chapter.
Research
I ended up rewriting this chapter, or well, most of it, after realising that I'd just made things up rather than researching the actual way people go about it in reality. Tell you what, I scared myself and got a bit frightened by the world we live in, but I do hope I also managed to carry this across on paper (of sorts) and get you as creeped out as I was. You'll understand once you've finished reading!
Warning: Creepy!
Playing Favourites
I don't know if you're not supposed to have favourites, but I do. I have my favourite scenes in every chapter which either allude to something in the future, or I really enjoyed writing/reading or ones which I'm terribly nervous about it. I'm always terribly heartbroken when no one mentions them in their reviews – I know, I know, I should just be grateful everyone is taking the time to review in the first place, but I can't help myself. It was that Bowtie scene a few chapters ago, last chapter the seduction scene – I had no idea how to write it realistically and do the characters justice and my beta assures me I've done quite well, but I'm still terribly nervous about it. This chapter has a scene about midway through – the creepy one – which I'm both proud and nervous about it. So, hopefully, having put this out here in the open for everyone to read and see what I'm nervous about, I hope someone picks up on the scene in this chapter and lets me know their thoughts.
Thank you all for your time; on with the chapter!
"I haven't changed!" Rose argued, helping her mother clear the table while her father was upstairs, changing her baby brother's diapers. It had been time for another Sunday dinner, a tradition her mother had suddenly claimed they'd always abided by. Seeing how happy she was with her new life and how upset she had been about her daughter's memory loss, Rose hadn't found it in her heart to deny her.
So for the last few weeks, every Sunday she had dinner with her mum, dad and baby brother in the mansion – all the staff had Sunday off, her mum rather adamant about having 'family time'. And it wasn't like Rose didn't understand the sudden desperate need, to keep her loved ones close; the stars were disappearing and Jackie would be faced with either losing everyone she loved or losing her daughter to the man who had, once before, already taken her away, only this time there would be no visits, no possible way of seeing each other again.
But every time she was away from the dimension cannon, Rose got nervous – what if, because she didn't take a jump now, she was missing out? What if this time away was that little bit of extra time she needed to explore? And she knew it carried over in her actions, in her words, however hard she tried to hide it, that she felt she was needed elsewhere.
"Oh yes, you have. You used to play with Tony – he misses his big sister, you know? And you - you used to be so excited about other dimensions, I couldn't shut you up; never mind seeing him again. But now?" Jackie shook her head and Rose swallowed, reminding herself once again, just how good her mother was at reading everyone around her, when she wanted to be.
"You have changed," her mother stated, citing it as a fact rather than asking her about it. Rose grimaced, knowing that she was right in so many ways, but not knowing how to explain it, not without telling her what she'd so successfully kept from her over the last few weeks.
Jackie paused for a moment, looking at her daughter, noticing the many minute changes not only in appearance but rather in behaviour, which, no matter what they tried to tell her, were not things that changed in the space of a week. She was tired of playing along with their stories; entire planets were disappearing and Jackie knew that her planet and her life with it, were soon going to follow the others and she didn't want to go, not knowing what was happening to her daughter, what this dimension hopping was doing to her Rose; a Rose that she'd finally thought safe and protected only to have her running away again, running to somewhere she couldn't follow.
Putting down the dishtowel decisively, she asked her daughter to follow her. They ended up in the study – a small room which was only rarely used but was relatively cozy if one was partial to small spaces and no windows; but it would serve its purpose. No way out, no way for anyone else to interrupt, especially not Pete, who had been trying so hard to divert Jackie's attention whenever she brought up the topic. He had probably long since forgotten this room even existed.
"Mum, what are you doing?"
Wondering absently why a chair this comfortable wasn't downstairs in the living room, Jackie settled in for a long wait.
"I'm going to sit here and wait until you've told me everything."
Rose snorted, asserting confidently, "I have told you everything, mum. C'mmon now, don't you want to kiss Tony goodnight?"
Another diversion, Jackie noted silently, refusing to rise to the bait.
"No. Tony's going to have me his entire life. My daughter, on the other hand, seems to be hell-bent on leaving me behind."
And snap – she'd learned a short while ago that for some reason this was a trigger; she still didn't know why or how, but she knew something had happened on one of Rose's travels with the Doctor. The younger blonde was now pacing the short room and looked like she would have fled, had Jackie not locked the room.
"I'm not," she broke off, rephrasing herself, "it's not like that. I have to- I just, I have to, mum."
Refusing to let her frown show on her face, Jackie remained seated, knowing that any other action, any facial expression that could be misconstrued as showing even the vaguest hint of displeasure, would shut her daughter up. Rose had always been stubborn, but lately she'd had a way of shutting down that worried her, a way of shutting down that meant she couldn't read her – her own daughter.
"You don't have to do anything," Jackie finally offered, hoping it would ease whatever worries the younger girl had, "someone else can do this dimension hopping thing."
"No! That's just it – they can't! No one can, no one but me!"
The words were burning at the tip of her tongue, of reprimanding Rose that she thought she was so much more important and vital than everyone else - that she was irreplaceable, but she bit them back. Having another baby, a child, in this strange new world, had forced her to relearn some patience.
"Now, Rose, I'm sure that's not true-"
"Fine," the young dimension traveller said harshly, pulling the other chair around so she could sit on it. "Fine. You want to know, mum? You really want to know? No one else can do it. And no, it's not arrogance or whatever else you're thinking."
Suddenly her tone changed from aggressive to tired, as Rose reiterated her earlier words, an unexpected note of hopelessness ringing through for the first time, "No one else can, mum."
Jackie remained quiet, letting her gather her thoughts, hoping she would finally find out why Pete had come home that one night, refusing to say a word and yet looking so distressed, so pained – and she'd been unable to do anything, watching as he retired to his home office, locking the door behind him. She'd watched as her daughter came, every Sunday night, progressively looking more exhausted, more tired than ever before and, inexplicably, older. And then there were times she'd suddenly appear, looking suntanned, as if she'd been exposed to the sun for too long – and the week after she was extremely pale as if she hadn't seen the sun for a year. Jackie had seen all this before, back in another world – but not here, not in this place which had neither a Doctor nor a blue time and space travelling police box. And she didn't want to believe it, didn't want to believe what her heart knew, what her eyes were telling her; not here, not now, not her girl but, above all, not alone.
"No one dies of old age, y'know," Rose finally started, amber eyes fixed in the distance as if recalling something learned a long time ago, "'S never listed as a cause of death, 's the heart or the lungs or some other part of your body which couldn't work anymore, the cells couldn't reproduce, couldn't fix what was wrong. And, well, stands to reason that if your cells, instead of having a fixed amount of times they can reproduce, have, say, an infinite amount, you'd live until, well, forever, cause you can endlessly reproduce. Especially if instead of slowly deteriorating, your DNA never changes, rather it is reset every time you do die- because of an accident or whatever else."
Heart in her throat, she stared at Rose. Her daughter, who had, up until a moment ago, still looked so much like, well, herself, was so different now. Jackie had raised Rose, alone, for nearly two decades. She'd seen her sad, angry, stubborn, upset, determined and hundreds of other faces. This was not one she recognised. It was as though a stranger had taken her over; even with her memories lost, it had still been her, so recognisably her from the absent-minded hair twirling to the bright smile – but not this, never this. Rose wasn't looking at her, and for the first time, Jackie was glad she wasn't. Her daughter's normally bright eyes had darkened until they were desolate, reflecting nothing but pain, sorrow and unimaginable grief.
Jackie knew those eyes, had seen them far too often, for too long, in the mirror after losing Pete, until Rose taught her to live again. But they were never meant to be on her daughter; she was never meant to look like that, like every single bit of happiness had drained out of her, aging her almost beyond recognition. Clenching her hands, Jackie allowed her eyes to drop to the floor, swallowing the pain down, further down, the way she'd done all the time when Rose was just a baby. This wasn't the time to focus on herself, she needed to know, to understand, what was happening to her baby now, what made her look like that, and how she could make it better.
"I went to Uni for a bit," Rose explained her unasked question, "and then worked in a mortuary. 's kinda creepy at first, but taught me one heck of a lot. 'specially about myself."
"You don't expect me to believe that, do you?" she found herself asking her daughter, voice harsh, and wished almost the same instead she could retract it. But her mind had added it up, had guessed how many years that would mean and an explanation started to form in her mind; an explanation that couldn't be true, because it would put her baby through so much pain, so much heartache, she refused to believe it, wishing desperately it was but a nightmare, a fantastical story like Rose used to make up when she was younger.
Except she knew, didn't she? Had guessed the moment Rose had started her biology lesson and yet she couldn't help herself, couldn't stop herself, wondering, for the first time, if she truly wanted to know or if she didn't want to remain oblivious to the truth instead.
"After all, when would you have had time to go to University? You never even got your A levels. And I don't know much about your alien boyfriend, but I do know he hated standing still."
Rose sighed. A part of her wondered, for just a second, if her mother was being deliberately obtuse, before deciding that one way or another, it didn't matter.
"Yeah, he does. So do I, 'xcept I don't have much of a choice about it. Every hop, as you call it, with the dimension cannon only lasts three hours in this world – but in the other worlds it's sometimes only a second and other times it's not hours or even days, it's years." Letting out a bitter laugh, unable to help herself, Rose finally admitted what even Pete and Mickey didn't know, "I'm older than you, mum. And I'm tired, so tired. I've seen..." A shadow flitted over her face, eyes darkening, remembering screams she'd given and heard, remembering voices, so many voices, all echoing in her head.
"I've seen too much. I've been in wars, I've commanded soldiers and I've sat at university, learning – hell, I've lectured at them. I've been a school teacher, a secretary, a mortician, a shop assistant – I've been a soldier, I've killed people – me!" she exclaimed, shaking her head, before continuing, slower, the memories draining her of the false anger, "And I've been a general and sent others to their deaths, knowing they'd never come back, because there was no other choice. I've met so many people, wonderful people, horrible ones and I've lost too many of them. Friends, family, even if they survived, I'll never see 'em again. I'm old, mum."
She'd held it together so far, not allowing herself to dwell, to hesitate or think too much, but as slowly everything came to the surface, as every wrong decision, every friend she'd been forced to leave behind, was recalled, Rose slowly gave herself over to the onslaught.
"I once asked him, you know. I asked him if I really was what you all thought, just another one in a long line and he said it then and I didn't understand, couldn't understand. I do now. I don't age, I don't die. But humans... humans decay. You're going to wither away and die and so are Tony, and dad, Mickey, Jake and everyone else around me. The Doctor, he told me once that I could spend the rest of my life with him but he couldn't spend the rest of his with me. He'd have to live on, alone. But don't you understand? So would I, now. 'm not even human anymore," the sob came out unexpectedly, her chest clenching and the tears running down her face, "and I'll have to watch on as you all... I can't, mom. I can't. I- He's there, in the other dimension, just have to find him. He won't have to be alone anymore and... neither will I."
It had been so long since her mother had touched her, since Jackie had been able to tuck her into bed, to hug her or kiss her goodnight; and she missed it. As it turned out, no matter how old you were, you were never too old to crave, to need your mother's touch. Except she couldn't have it, could never have it again. Wiping away the tears, knowing no one else would do it for her, Rose slowly forced her breathing to even out again, reminding herself that it would all be worth it once she was with him again.
"And I can't die- No, that's not quite true. I just can't die permanently, not by normal means."
Her poor mother already looked overwhelmed and aggrieved, but she couldn't stop herself, not now, not when there was finally someone she could tell, someone she trusted.
"Everyone's got a timeline. Your past is mainly set, but you always have several potential futures and if you die, well, your timeline ends. It doesn't disappear or anything because well, you did live, but all the other potential futures fade away. Except for me – my timeline's sort of... anchored, I guess? And it feeds back to the other dimension, where the Tardis is, and so I come back to life because my timeline can't be cut. I've been shot, stabbed, beheaded, in fatal car crashes... I always come back. But I can still die, in a way. That's what this world's been doing. Remember the seizures, the headaches, the constant pain? I haven't said, didn't want to worry anyone, but it's still happening and I finally figured out how and why. 's because this universe has its own vortex and I'm connected to a different one. I don't belong. So it's trying to erase me."
Rose sighed, closing her eyes, feeling the grief clawing at her throat, her worst nightmare would inevitably fulfil itself if she didn't find her Doctor in time – she'd be forgotten.
"It's not death," she explained, ignoring the slight shudder that went through her body, "rather it's never having existed in the first place. This universe will literally wipe me out of existence, my entire timeline, gone... and what means, is that to you, to Mickey and Dad, to Jake and Tony, I will never have existed. You won't forget me so much as you won't even know you ever had a daughter. All of me will disappear not just out of this universe but out of existence – every photograph, every news article, every piece of me, gone. As far as this dimension and everyone in it, will be concerned, Jackie Tyler only ever had one child; a son called Tony."
"No!" Her mum reached out, desperately trying to reassure them both and yet keeping the distance they both knew she had to, never touching. "That's not possible – I could never forget you."
Rose closed her eyes, a bitter smile on her lips, wishing, with all her heart, that she could believe her mother's words.
"It's okay, mum. It won't be long now. You won't even grieve. If I don't find the right dimension, you'll never know. And if I do, you'll know that I'll be happy. With him."
"I will know," her mum cried out, either unwilling or unable to understand that there was anything that could make her forget. It hurt – not just the constant physical pain – but the way her heart ached, knowing that either way, soon she would lose her mother, either separated by dimensions or dead.
"Can you promise me that he'll take care of you? Stay with you? For the rest of your life?"
They both knew who 'he' was. Rose swallowed hard, avoiding her mother's eyes, knowing that as much as she wished she could, it wasn't a promise she could make. When he found out that she wasn't human anymore, that she'd killed... no, she doubted he'd still want her.
Her heart broke as she watched her mother cry, understanding immediately what Rose wouldn't say and she found herself desperately wishing she could retract the words she'd said, even though they were the truth, even though she'd held them deep inside for such a long time already, never sharing the details, never telling anyone just how painful it was, wished that maybe she could have told her just one last lie, one last lie to make her mother feel better.
They'd reached an understanding – if it could be called that. Rose would continue travelling because the alternatives were worse and her mum would be there if she needed to talk; except the dimension traveller knew she didn't have the heart to tell her anymore, would rather do anything else rather than breaking her mother's heart even further.
As far as Pete, Mickey and Jake were concerned, she'd just informed them they didn't have to lie to her mum anymore – which also meant, Mickey could visit her again. She didn't know what it was; her ex-boyfriend could lie to most people but as soon as it came to her mom, he withered like snow in the sunlight, confessing every sin that came to mind under her harsh glare. It had been funny as children, but less so as an adult when she asked him to keep her secrets.
"How close are we?"
"Pretty close. With the key on you we were able to narrow it down to less than a hundred and you've been to twenty so far."
Rose nodded, hand instinctively going to key at her neck. They were also currently working on a portable dimension cannon, something she could take with her to the right dimension so others could follow her, but progress was slow.
Stepping through the door into the familiar white room, she gave the scientists the go ahead, and moments later, following an intensely bright light, Rose was in a new universe.
A part of her still loved the travel, even if at least half of them had ended horribly; it was kind of fascinating to see the many different ways humanity could have evolved and the multitude of positive paths it could have taken.
In one, there had been green lizard people walking and talking among them, normally, as if nothing was awry. No one, not a single person, had even so much as blinked and Rose had been quickly humbled to realise just how accepting humanity could be and, shortly after, suitably impressed by how knowledgeable Silurians were. One of them, called Madame Vastra, had done her best to help Rose in coming to terms with her newfound immortality, having recognised the effects in her even if she hadn't known the cause, telling her about her lover lost to the tides of time, Jenny; a companion, Rose was certain the Doctor would have loved to take with him.
By now, the effects of the travel through dimensions were still there, but diminished as her body slowly became accustomed to the frequently harsh demands she placed on it, one of which was this method of travel.
Looking around cautiously, Rose determined that at first glance at least, this world looked no different to her own. She already knew it wasn't the right one, didn't even need to reach for the vortex to know that, but it still gave her hope to know that it was one more dimension down, one step closer to him, to her Doctor.
For a moment, just a second, she'd thought there was someone there, in the corner of her eyes – tall and in a tuxedo or something. She hadn't gotten a chance to look closely. Maybe they'd seen the flash of light or, as the Doctor would have, smelt the ozone from the energy displacement. Despite all her adventures and all the ways in which it ended horribly, she still couldn't help but be curious; always curious, no matter what. And so she stepped down the alley, into the dark, following to where she'd last seen him or it, heart beating quickly and hands slightly clammy as adrenaline flooded her system, readying her for an extended run, should she have to.
And then she saw it. Definitely not human, possibly male, but, Rose concluded, unable to tell for certain.
"Hi," she chirped in her best non-threatening voice, ready to run or fight at moment's notice, "so, you always hang about the dark, creepy alleyways?"
"Yo, Lady, who're you talking to?"
Rose's head snapped around and found a homeless person, staring at her through glassy eyes, bottle of cheap liquor in his hand.
"I wasn't talking to anyone, mate; wasn't talkin' period," she responded, feeling slightly amused that this would be the first person she'd see on her travel. Well, time to look at this world and get out of this dark alley. She was just glad that at least this time they spoke English.
A quick glance at her watch told her that she still had eight years to spend in this place; time to find out just how exciting or boring her time here would be.
Only a day here, so far, and one night, spent on the streets. She was currently scouring the recently deceased; as disgusting as it was, she needed to find an identity to slip into and it was always easier to become the young orphan from nowhere people thought dead then to attempt to create an entirely new identity. She had learned some computer skills, or, to be more precise, hacking skills, partly from Mickey but also from her travels – a necessity to survive in new dimensions and to creating a new identity, but you never knew how different the technology and, more importantly, the firewalls and security were.
Biting back a sigh, Rose put the latest newspaper aside, reaching for another one from the stack at her side; libraries, no matter which world, were always helpful. Apparently she was currently not in UK, rather she was in US, Florida, to be precise – or the equivalent in her world. Yesterday had passed decidedly oddly. Every so often she'd find herself blinking, her head hurting and, checking her countdown, she'd lost several minutes on a few occasions yesterday. The same kept happening to her today, except this time it wasn't minutes but hours. Something was odd and she didn't know how to explain it. It didn't feel like memories lost, rather as though she really had just turned, except it took her ten minutes to take two steps.
With a heartfelt sigh, putting down yet another newspaper, Rose looked up and just barely stopped herself from screaming. There was an alien, standing there, staring at her intently. Seeing as no one else paid it any mind, she gave it a tentative smile, opening her mouth and-
Rose quickly bent down to catch the newspaper that had fallen from her lap, pulling down her shirt, which was what she'd gotten up to do; it must have been. Sitting back down again, she opened it to the obituary section and started reading.
Blinking in confusion, Rose sat upright. This... was not the homeless shelter she'd fallen asleep in. This was ... almost prison-like. A bare, nearly empty grey room. The walls looked metallic rather than made of stone and, curious, she stepped along them until she found the door.
Shooting another quick glance around her, Rose quickly picked up a pencil; it wasn't great, but it gave her at least something to attack the soft tissue with, should she need it. But a quick glance at her watch had her reeling; seven years? She was certain just yesterday it had still been eight and-
There was someone in the room with her.
Whirling around, she came face to face with the creature; an alien. Her hand gripped the pencil tighter but a sound from behind her made her eyes automatically drift and-
Rose blinked. This was odd. She was sure she'd just gone to sleep in the homeless shelter. Puzzled, she looked and found a pencil in her right hand, her grip tight and secure around the object and frowning, her eyes drifted to the door. Right – so, she must have been on her way out and grabbed a weapon just in case. Nodding to herself, she stepped forward and her eyes were drawn to the face of her watch. Heart in her throat, she stared at the numbers, but they refused to change. According to them, she'd been in this world for six months; six months that she certainly didn't remember. The years had ticked down to seven.
That couldn't be right, could it? Movement in the corner of her eyes made her whirl around, pencil held out in front of her defensively. A creature, an alien was there and his raspy voice sounded oddly familiar.
"What do you know about the Doctor?"
Stretching slightly, Rose leaned back against the headboard. Her room was an exact replica of hers on the Tardis; the only odd thing was, every now and then, when she blinked, she could almost see grey, metallic walls – but they always disappeared when she blinked again, so she didn't worry about it too much.
There was always that voice in her head, telling her not to worry. It had to be her own, of course it did. There was no one else. Weirdly enough, she'd often have the urge to talk about her Doctor; a nearly insuppressibly strong urge, but no matter how secure she believed herself to be, no matter how alone she thought she was, the one thing she did know, was that she wasn't home yet, not with her Doctor. So there was no way she'd betray him, however accidentally, to anyone. It didn't matter how much she wanted or needed to talk, even to just herself, she wouldn't allow it.
So she swallowed it back down, refused to give into the voice telling her how much better she'd feel if she just talked about him.
He was more than just the Doctor, he was her Doctor and she would never do that to him.
So, instead, she remained seated on her bed in self-enforced silence.
There was this fog, around her head. Her watch told her she still had six years to spend here, in this place, and every now and then she wondered if she really had only been in this dimension for a day, but the thought disappeared as quickly as it had come and, instead, she stopped worrying.
She'd had a name once. It was still there, buried beneath the fog, but she didn't worry about it; she never worried about anything anymore, actually.
The only thing that ever cut through the fog was the lightning. She didn't like the lightning; it hurt. It made every single nerve in her body scream in pain and her head always felt scrambled afterwards, almost like a concussion.
But there was no lightning now, so she didn't worry about it.
The lightning was here again and it hurt. It hurt so bad. Her body arched up with the pain and the multitude of voices, all asking for her to tell them about the Doctor, became her own. It hurt until she couldn't think, until her voice didn't come out anymore, until her own screams stopped, her throat refusing to produce anymore sound. Every nerve, every inch of her body was in agony and the pain was overwhelming her, her body shaking, trembling even after the lightning was no more and she realised she had lost all control over herself; couldn't make herself move, couldn't so much as blink, her body refusing to listen to any commands.
There was only one clear thought, one clear voice in her head, telling her that the humans wouldn't stop, would never stop.
Then she gave in, allowed herself to slip into sweet oblivion.
She was hiding, always hiding these days. She refused to go out; outside were the humans, her tormentors, the ones who brought the lightning. Inside here she was safe. In her room. She could say and do anything in her room, as long as she didn't go out, didn't face the humans, she didn't have to worry about anything.
Not until the thirst became unbearable, until her tongue felt so swollen and she was curled up in pain, her head hurting from the lack of water and she could barely crawl out the door to find the water placed there for her. And then, once she'd drunk and she could see again, they always came for her, came with the lightning.
Sometimes she wished she was stronger, could hold out against her thirst for longer, but in the end, she needed to find the Doctor and if she waited too long, she'd die. She knew that much – he needed her, whether he knew it or not. She just hoped that once she saw him she'd remember what message she was supposed to deliver.
The humans scared her, frightened her so much the mere thought of them had her cowering in the corner of her room. She'd always hated them, abhorred them, as had her Doctor. She really didn't know why she'd volunteered to travel to other dimensions, to other places populated by this insidious, horrendous race of beings that slaughtered and tortured for pleasure.
The fog around her head was thicker than ever; all she knew was that this for him, her Doctor. Still, she'd been here for a week already, she knew, and her watch told her that she still had five years to go. Five years was doable, wasn't it?
Humans, the voice in her head said, they wanted her Doctor, they were the ones using the lightning on her. She should kill them before they would get him.
Her Doctor, the voice reminded her, had hated humans. Stupid, filthy apes. He was always saving the universe from them. But she couldn't kill them, couldn't. She'd killed before, she knew that, but she couldn't just go around killing people, not until she knew for certain that these people were the ones committing these atrocities – no, not even then. Killing wasn't okay.
"I can't- I can't kill. No, no, please. I can't."
Curling in on herself, she reminded herself that she shouldn't kill, not unless it was her last resort, unless the entire universe was at stake. There was another way, there had to be.
Four years to go, she reminded herself, silently stalking through the house, finding her way up to the bedroom. Her hands trembled but with a quick blink she saw the thermometer in her hands again. For a moment, just a moment, she'd almost thought she saw the glint of a blade, a knife. But of course not, just her mind, her imagination, playing tricks on her again. Like making her room look grey instead of beautiful, like in the Tardis.
Besides, she just needed to take their temperature. Nothing to worry about. Just put it right in their throat and push down. She was just helping them.
Her hands stopped trembling as she made her way into the bedroom. The man first. They were always more squeamish about medical procedures; better not give him any warning. Nodding to herself, she stepped over to him and placed the thermometer at this throat. The man's blue eyes opened the moment she made contact, a bare second later they widened and he froze under her.
"Please, we'll give you anything, please-"
Silly ape. She smiled at him, thinking it would reassure him; no need to get that panicked about it, after all, it was just a temperature check. She pushed down, feeling muscles and tendons parting, hearing him gurgle as he choked and frowning slightly. That definitely didn't sound good. She hoped they'd be able to fix what was wrong with him. The red stuff kept pouring out of him, warm to the touch, covering her hands and the thermometer.
Frowning, feeling slightly worried for a moment that the woman's temperature wouldn't be quite as accurate with all the sticky red stuff, she quickly wiped it on her jumper, stepping around to the other side, where the female was crying hysterically. Really, people these days. It wouldn't even hurt, she was just helping them.
Smiling widely, she stepped forward and pushed the other woman up against the wall and pushed the thermometer into her throat. She, too, was filled with the red stuff and it seemed to be coming out even quicker than in the male; obviously too much excitement. Sighing to herself, she slipped back out, letting the woman sink to the floor. Hopefully these measurements would help the aliens save her Doctor.
Humans still scared her, but she wasn't quite so afraid at night and the aliens promised to help her. She couldn't remember them, or what they looked like, but their words were in her head. She trusted them. They wouldn't lie to her. They were just wanting what was best for her and the Doctor.
All this, it was to protect him, her Doctor. So no matter how many more people she had to measure, how many more temperatures she had to take, she'd do it with a song in her heart and free of worry, because all she was doing, was helping them after all.
She didn't know why she had first seen a blade in her hand; that was ludicrous of course. Here it was, clear as day; a simple thermometer.
A part of her wondered if once, she too had had a name. Head down, she walked among the masses, lips quirked up in disgust as she tried to avoid having any of these filthy apes touch her. Her Doctor hated them and she privately thought he was right in doing so.
The fog around her had been easing up, slowly, over the last few days. A song, a melody, was steadily pushing its way through, up from below the fog and through her.
The lightning came but it only made the song clearer instead of subduing it as they had undoubtedly intended. She still didn't know who they were, but it felt as though she could see just a tiny bit clearer for the first time. Still three years to go but she felt closer to him, suddenly, to her Doctor.
And though she didn't know what was wrong, didn't know who she was or where, never mind how long she'd been here, one thing was very clear; she needed to run.
Except she couldn't stop shaking, her body going into tremors, almost seizures, and she'd lost so much muscle, so many memories, she wasn't sure she knew how to run, how to hide and where. Whom could she trust?
Certainly not the humans, a voice inside her said and her lips curled up in disgust. Yeah, definitely not humans... but then, could she trust her head, her own voice? She didn't know, couldn't tell right from wrong anymore.
There was only one thing she knew, only one thing she knew for certain, in the entire universe and every dimension – she lived to protect the Doctor. Her memories of him were faint, but that much she knew. And that this wasn't the right dimension. There was something inside her, something separate from her memories, telling her it wasn't here but it was close, so close.
That same thing inside her, which howled like the wolf and smelt of time, it screamed until she could no longer hear anything else. It was a power, something golden, deep inside her and with it she could make it, past all of them and everyone, and she'd find out why all this seemed so wrong even if everything else was telling her it was right and not to worry.
She took a step forward, just one, towards the door when she heard it – the melody buried so deep inside her, resonating in her head, loudly, accompanied by a wave of sympathy and sorrow... and then she heard him, her Doctor. She didn't know how she knew, just something inside her heart that had been buried for so long, moving, a rush of something warm flooding her, closely followed by another feeling that she did recognise; despair.
"I could do so much more! SO MUCH MORE!" His voice was angry and on the edge of desperation, cracking slightly, ending in a whisper, a plea. "But I need more time."
For a moment she hesitated but in the end she took another step. She hurt, so badly. She was almost certain that she hadn't always had seizures, that her head hadn't always been wrapped in a fog, that once upon a time, she had been able to move without the tremors, without the image of the hot, dark red liquid coating her hands, slowly solidifying; she was almost certain that something was wrong, so very, very wrong, but she didn't know what, didn't know for certain, didn't know how to run other than to use this power inside her. She just had to get out, she had to. Then, once she remembered her name and why she was here, she could help him, could help her Doctor. But he would have to wait. She had to come first; she was certain he could save himself. He was the Doctor, after all.
"Please," his heartbroken plea came, in her head, the tears evident in his voice, stopping her dead in her tracks. "I just need a little more time... Please..."
She swallowed hard, staring at the wall, watching as the decorations slowly faded from her mind, leaving only cold, grey metal walls behind, making her close her eyes in understanding and grief. Even if everything she suspected was true, even if she had been manipulated from the start, she couldn't just ignore him, not when he was like this. He rarely begged, almost never cried and whoever he was attempting to save, he was desperate. Allowing one lonely tear to trace its way down her cheeks, she called upon that golden light, hidden so deep inside her, and sent it towards the song that resonated with her heart, towards the walls of the universe the Tardis had reached out to her. She was getting close to finding him. That would have to be solace enough, even if that memory, too, would be swallowed up in the fog again, soon.
She pushed, putting her entire will and strength behind it, now that she had made her decision and forced time itself to obey her, giving the Tardis the energy she needed and allowing her Doctor those precious few extra minutes he so needed, hoping he'd make it and could save whomever he needed to save.
With a gasp, she slowly sank to the floor, golden glow receding, leaving her drained and empty, and her body vulnerable to the time vortex in this universe.
After that day, the fog became so much thicker until it was all she was aware of, that and the voices in her head. It took another year and a half before the song broke through again, before she started to think, again, that it was time to run, unaware that she'd had the same thought before.
She used her powers to find a bunker, buried and hidden, forgotten as time passed and with no one inside but herself. In the end, she ended up stealing food and water, knowing that leaving her newly created safe place would put her at risk if her suspicions were, indeed, correct.
It took time just as she'd expected. Her countdown warned her she only had a year, but memories were precarious little things, their connections tender and easily ripped; so, as much as she wanted to blast through her mind with the force of a bulldozer, to tear it apart and find out if she was still herself, she forced herself to slow down, to take days, and, as it turned out, weeks and even months to retrieve what she'd lost.
The fog was the hardest. It wasn't a fog, rather it was a multitude of voices, sometimes her own, sometimes not, all telling her not to worry, all interwoven, over and over again, like a net covering her memories, her thoughts and emotions. Every pull on every thread of it hurt, yanking on something inside her, but after three endless days of looking at any other means of breaking through, of regretting, time and again, that she hadn't asked her Doctor to teach her the way through her own mind, at least, she used her willpower, her determination, and ripped it apart.
She fell unconscious after that.
Days passed as Rose slowly unravelled the connections she'd made, heart in her throat, choking her, as she watched as the Tardis room in her mind slowly faded from the memories, showing the truth – a grey room, much like the one she was currently in.
That day, she wept. She cried and screamed and cowered in the corner, trembling, realising not only what had been done to her but also what she'd done to herself.
It was only the beginning.
She forced herself to continue, to look at her memories and slowly, ever so slowly, she understood, saw, what she'd been unable to remember, what no one had been able to remember. The aliens.
They'd been the ones electrocuting her, whispering and, when she'd been unable to see anyone, she'd adopted their voices as her own, repeating to herself what they said until she believed it.
She wasn't mad and god, she wished she could feel any relief at all at that notion. She almost wished she was; anything but this.
The dread had curled in her stomach, and the moment she unlocked the first memory, remembered the first time they made her believe she was holding a thermometer in her hands instead of a knife, the first time they told her she had to go out, to 'help' people, she'd thrown up. She could guess what was coming next and for a day she resisted, fought against herself, argued and cried, punched the wall until her knuckles were raw and bloody, until she felt like she couldn't breathe and her body wouldn't stop trembling.
The next day, she searched for them- and found them, one after the other. Old men and young ones, couples and entire families, innocents, slaughtered by no hand other than her own. She finally understood they'd been trying to prepare her to kill the Doctor, had been testing her, pushing her. And she'd done as they asked. She'd killed them, all of them – so many innocents, so much blood and she had smiled at them.
That day Rose screamed, screamed until it felt like her voice chords snapped, before she broke down and then she wept. For the lives lost and, if she was honest, and she currently was nothing but honest, for herself. Because that day was the first time she learned what it felt like to hate yourself, to be so disgusted by yourself, that you wanted to make yourself suffer, wanted to hurt yourself, make yourself feel pain until the screams were not for other people, people she didn't deserve to cry for because, in the end, she'd been the one to kill them, rather until the screams were due to self-inflicted pain that could no longer be contained within.
That day Rose understood that she didn't deserve her Doctor; whereas before she hadn't been good enough but could still attempt, still aspire to be better, to improve – now that was no longer an option. No matter what she did, no matter how hard she worked, how many people she saved, the blood of innocents coated her hands. Unlike the Doctor, who had been forced, after centuries of war, to take the only solution left to him, she'd had killed people who took no part in any war of her own free will and without any remorse. It didn't matter how much she regretted it now; she'd still gone on to the next ones, and the ones after that.
It was the day Rose Tyler lost herself in ways she had yet to understand.
Then, with her memories her own and intact, she set out to find them, to find out more about these aliens, knowing that they were influencing others apart from her. It wasn't atonement; Rose understood, beyond any doubt, that she couldn't atone for the atrocities she'd committed. Rather it was the determination for this not to happen to anyone else.
She found out that they were called The Silence, a religious order, intent on finding her Doctor, on finding a way back to her – and theirs, she suspected – original dimension. They were aliens and you forgot them the moment you didn't have your eyes on them; which, unfortunately, had allowed them to manipulate so many without repercussions.
It took two more months to realise that the Silence were everywhere. Not just in America, but all over Europe, over Asia, Russia, Australia; every single country on this planet was full of them. And people listened, just as she had, because they had no memory of the encounter and instead adopted the voice as their own, having heard it, no doubt, since they were children. They trusted it.
Which meant, she had to do something, had to somehow make an entire planet aware of them.
And so, slowly, a plan formed.
With barely a week left, there was no time to second-guess. There were a number of things that survived for millennia, well into the future. Charles Dickens, Shakespeare, even Arthur Conan Doyle; but she needed something that allowed everyone to see them, something visual. And of that, there was only one thing which always remained the original, which never got replaced or updated, which never had a newer version, or a different interpretation of it done.
Neil Armstrong's first step on the moon.
Unfortunately, everything after that was easier said than done. This world's time vortex was increasing the strength of its attacks with every breath she took and due to the nature of her enemies, she'd been forced to use her powers too often. Still, all alone, she had no other choice.
Recording the silence was the easiest of all – they were looking for her anyway so finding them proved no trouble and all and even getting them to say what she wanted, was relatively easy. They'd been talking to her for seven years, after all, and with her memories back, she knew as much about them as they did about her.
Getting into all the various television studies, and overwriting the originals and copies they had stored, however, was much, much harder.
In the end, she didn't find them all, didn't manage to get to every country, but Rose hoped she'd left them with enough, to give humanity a fighting chance rather than continuing to be subjugated by an unseen enemy.
She smiled but her family could tell she wasn't right. But she refused to tell them, couldn't tell them. Her mum knew she'd killed – but that had been in a war. What would she think of her, if she knew that Rose had gone into people's houses and killed them, entire families, innocent people, because she hadn't been able to withstand a few aliens whispering in her ear, because she hadn't been strong enough, hadn't fought hard enough, hadn't been able to hold out for more than a few, lousy years. That's all it took to break her. Rose was disgusted with herself, with her lack of understanding, with her waning strength and her willingness to believe whatever they told her.
She couldn't tell anyone, couldn't bear to see their eyes take on the same look of disgust she saw in the mirror every day, the same disappointment; and, above all, she was afraid, feared that when she saw him again, her Doctor, he'd take one look at her, he'd know and decide she wasn't good enough, had never been good enough, really, but never before had she broken his trust, his faith in her so decisively and of her own free will.
She rather have everyone know, everyone but him, her Doctor. She'd always lived with it, had understood for such a long time already, that she simply wasn't good enough – not for her mum or Mickey and probably not for Pete and Jake either. If it came down to it, she'd rather have them hate her, have them disappointed with her, than him, her Doctor. She couldn't bear it if the one man who'd always trusted her blindly, who had faith in her, believed in her hidden strength, in her ability to fight whatever was wrong with the universe – if he, too, started losing his trust, his faith in her, she'd lose everything.
So she tried, hard as she could, to hide just how broken she was, how much she hated herself; hid beneath a warm smile and tender eyes, her true thoughts and emotions buried so deep they didn't shine through anymore. It felt too easy, when her parents stopped asking, started believing and when Mickey and Jake, too, fell for her charade and yet she felt so numb to everything, her true emotions lost and buried.
That was the case, at least until she travelled to another world that felt like her own but not and she got news she'd never expected, never anticipated...
The Doctor... was dead.
They were close to a breakthrough with the portable dimension cannon, but she forced them to send her again, right away, refusing to wait and rather demanded to be called back at intervals, hoping to save and reinstate the world to the way it should be.
She'd been desperate, so desperate, and it had been ridiculously easy to make her way into Unit, to have the staff start trusting her even though she refused to tell them her name.
He couldn't be dead. She refused to believe it. And the universe, her universe, didn't feel quite right; like it was the right one but also not. The Tardis could only hum mournfully at her, her strength too low to communicate properly; and while Rose could've lent here the power she needed, she knew it would be incredibly stupid of her to draw more enemies to her location, to the Doctor's body, when she didn't know how to fix it yet.
So she researched and ran, scouring everything until finally, one thing became clear. The redhead, Donna Noble, this entire universe, all the timelines, twisted around her... and there was something on her back.
Rose kept going between Pete's world and Donna's world, feeling exasperated by her inability to figure out what had, ultimately, led to the new world until the ship reminded her that her power in this universe was so much stronger than in any other world, that in this world, she had all of time and space at her fingertips.
So she travelled back in time, following the redhead, hoping to find the precise moment where everything had been turned upside down. Travelling through time made the well of power inside her shine all the brighter until, for a moment, she felt all-powerful; but her body nearly gave in, protesting the strain and it took days before she could move again, her body shaking under tremor after tremor, the electroshocks from the Silence having permanently damaged her nerves, Rose suspected; at least until the next time she died, though she wasn't too keen to find out whether she'd survive dying if she was in her original universe. At least not until after he was back; her Doctor.
And then she found it, that one moment, that one decision which had put he universe askew. After that she worked tirelessly on the Tardis, understanding how little strength her old friend had left and yet how happy she was to give it if it meant his return. So she opened her up, connecting cables and creating something that would allow Donna to travel back in time, applying all the knowledge the Doctor and Jack had ever taught her, everything she'd learned in the parallel worlds and what the Tardis was telling her and convinced Donna to trust her, to go back in her own timestream.
Then she followed her, watching as the brave redhead stepped into the truck's path and allowed herself to die – to save a man she couldn't remember. That, Rose told herself, was what a true companion looked like. Not betraying the man she loved.
Still she told the redhead two words that would let him know, two words she knew he'd instantly associate with her.
Bad Wolf.
A/N:
Right, people, I scared myself and hope I scared you, too, when writing the brainwashing for Rose. I actually did research – not the stuff Psychologists make up without any actual basis in facts, but the actual research by Neuroscientists of people in the war, and of harmless, 'moralistic' brainwashing, so there you go. So anyway, putting Rose in a much scarier situation, I still wanted her to hold out much longer, for years even.
A great, big hurray and thank you to The Clever Doctor, who gave me the suggestion of incorporating The Silence and without whom this chapter would never have turned out even half as well. Thank you! You are brilliant!
Quick heads up – next chapter will all be the Doctor's POV, just snippets since Rose has left, with his thoughts a bit here and there before we move onto the reunion.
AppleGrass15 chapter 8
Yay, thank you for the compliments. Not quite sure how to respond in detail as you are still a chapter behind, so I hopefully won't give much away. I loved writing Sam and Tony as two very different characters, with their own emotions, their own backstory, and their own choices which can be seen as either right or wrong depending on your moral stance. And yeah, the point was to make Rose grow in character and experience, before she met the Doctor again.
Rose has control over the time vortex, in a way. She won't be able to move objects or be able to read anyone's mind (or talk to them). Her powers revolve very much around the Tardis and the Doctor.
I do hope you're still reading and have read the last chapter as well as this one are still keeping with the story. I would love to hear your feedback on this chapter and see what you think. Please review :)
MuppetKatie chapter 8
Hiya again! And thanks for the lovely review! I am so glad you're still enjoying reading the story. I know the concept of Rose's life being extended or her inability to die is in a lot of stories. I do hope I managed to add my own slight twist and make it believable within the context of this story.
I do hope you enjoyed the rest of the flashback; I loved writing it. I would love to hear your thoughts, see if you thought they were still in character, of sorts. And what you think of the very short seduction scene – it was so much fun to write and I was very, very nervous about it. I hope you also enjoyed this new chapter which brings us to the end of the dimension hopping. I would really love to hear what you think, please review again :)
SassyFrassKerr
I already PM'd you, but thank you so, so much for pointing out those spelling mistakes and the fact that two bits had been deleted by . I've amended that now and will be more careful in future – thanks again! There will be a short reference in chapter eleven which is actually already with my beta for review, so it will be picked back up for a quick comment; the rest I'll leave to everyone's imagination. Thank you again for your review and I'd love to hear from you again!
cecilehem
Thank you so much for your lovely review! I would have loved to actually have your take on the intimacy; I'm always worried the characters end up OOC or I don't portray things realistically enough – in the case of the last chapter that was the seduction scene. What did you think of it?
Lol, that does sound funny. I probably should've explained it better, but part of the reason they ran is because I highly doubt he would've been able to restrain himself (not in a good way). Their race didn't understand what kind of a violation that would have normally been, but the Doctor is not currently willing and lenient enough to explain to them how to have sex, because, inevitably, he has to fear the worst about what they will do to their women in their desperation. So glad you enjoyed the continuing confusion between the two about their relationship. I hope you also enjoyed this chapter and I would seriously love to hear from you.
The Clever Doctor
Thanks again for being my beta reader and for letting me bounce ideas off you. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Sorry, overly excited about these things :) I'm glad you enjoyed it. I loved writing the end with Rose running and thanks again for your feedback on the seduction scene. I was so nervous and excited and when no one commented I wasn't sure how to take it. So thanks! Have fun tonight and thanks for reviewing this chapter so quickly!
Darkwolfberlin
Hi! Gern geschehen und vielen dank fuer deine Review (die erste fuer das Kapitel! Klasse!). Ich glaube, es ist ganz gut fuer mich immer mal wieder in meiner Muttersprache zu schreiben. Ich moechte nicht zu viel verlernen. Kann ich gut verstehen, war eigentlich ja auch nicht so geplant. Es sollten nur ca. Dreitausend woerter oder so sein mit dem Flashback und dann weiter mit der Geschichte. Leider ist es irgendwie anders verlaufen. Mein Plan am Ende des vorherigen Kapitels sah vor dass es ne kurze, relativ unemotionale Hochzeit sein wird und dann halt das Befruchtungsmissverstaendnis. Die Nacht davor hatte ich eigentlich nur als kurze Einleitung benutzen wollen. Was soll man machen? Nach fast acht tausend Worten hatte ich immer noch nicht geschrieben, was ich eigentlich schreiben wollte, von daher musste es dann in zwei Kapitel getrennt werden. Ich mag normalerweise komplette Kapitel mit nur Rueckblick auch nicht; da sollte schon Kontext drumherum sein. Sollte hoffentlich nicht noch einmal passieren :) Hoffe das heutige Kapitel gefaellt dir etwas besser. Ich habe da so meine Plaene fuer die Wiedervereinigung; kann aber noch nichts preisgeben. Das kommt dann alles in Kapitel 12. Bis denne und ich wuerde mich ueber einen neuen Kommentar von dir bezueglich des heutigen Kapitels wirklich freuen! LG PepperonyOwl