Chapter 11

Now that the memories of Peter Turpin and what he had done to her faded slowly, the longing Mrs. Lovett once had felt for Mr. Todd increased again. However, his proposition to help her getting used to intimate contact againstill seemed threatening to her. She was aware after all of the fact that he hadn't been with a woman for more than fifteen yearsand that things might escalate if she allowed him to do whatever he had in mind. A few weeks ago she would have given everything to experience that, but now that she had actually lost so much, the thought scared her.

But now he was here, standing in her room, and it was too late now to change her mind. To give herself something to do, she closed the curtains so at least no one would be watching them and even more rumors would spread.

The darkness was chased away a short moment later, when Sweeney lighted a few candles and placed them on her nightstand. The baker stared at the flickering flames as if she was hypnotized by them.

"Perhaps they'll make you feel more at ease," he said, but she didn't really hear him.

"How do you suppose this is going to work?" she asked, less sure of the initial plan (or lack of it) with every second that passed.

Intuitively the baker stood as far from the man away as possible and inwardly they both sighed at the realization how hard this was and how awkward this probably would become. Mrs. Lovett was about to tell Mr. Todd that she really didn't want to do this, but then she realized once more that it was the only real chance she had to become the woman again who she used to be.

The barber probably didn't do it on purpose, but the way he just stood there in her room, looking so confused and uncertain himself, made Mrs. Lovett's heart melt. The sight was so familiar that it made it easier for her to feel like her old, caring self again.

"Now, Mr. T," she said, pitying him as she realized that this meant very much for him too, since he had basically given her permission the previous day to do something that only Lucy had been privileged to do this far. "Come here."

From that moment on, she felt that it was alright and that Mr. Todd certainly wouldn't be the one who lost his mind and would cross undefined boundaries.

Slowly he walked towards her and as he was standing right in front of her, he allowed her to guide him towards her bed. They both sat down on it and as she felt the barber's restlessness that was even worse than her own, she gently placed a hand on his tense shoulder and guided his body down on the bed.

As his head was resting in her lap, she carefully massaged his temples, forgetting her own worries as she witnessed how the barber slowly but surely seemed to relax. He closed his eyes and Mrs. Lovett realized that this was the only time that the barber had allowed her to take care of him like this and that was this the first time that she actually saw the tension disappearing from his body.

The muscles in his face relaxed and when she softly caressed his hair, even the snarl, which seemed to be stuck on his otherwise still handsome face, seemed to disappear.

She stroked his shoulders now and when the barber leaned into her touch, all the memories of Peter Turpin were replaced by the sensations which she was feeling now. When the barber reached for her arm and rested his hand on it, her heart beat faster, but not because of fear this time.

Mrs. Lovett wanted to ask him again what he had in mind since he hadn't answered when she asked before, but at that moment she felt the urge not to say anything at all and just enjoy what was going on now that Mr. Todd seemed to be relaxing at last.

The baker tenderly moved her fingers from the barber's shoulders to his cheek and forehead, almost unable to believe that she was finally doing what she had wanted to do for such a long time. She realized that Mr. Todd was already helping her, just by lying there against her; his for once not intimidating form made her really relax too for the first time since Judge Turpin's brother had attempted to rape her.

As she was caressing Sweeney's face and noticed how much he enjoyed her attention, she grew more confident and carefully moved her fingers from his cheeks to his mouth.

The moment she touched his lips, the barber couldn't suppress the groan he had been determined to hold back for minutes.

"Nellie," he said, his eyes still closed, "I…"

"What's wrong?" she asked, feeling insecure again. "Should I stop?"

"No… yes."

Reluctantly she removed her hand from his face, not wanting to stop enjoying the tender gesture.

"No," he mumbled, almost inaudible. "Don't go away."

"I won't," she replied, just as softly, "if you tell me what's wrong."

She feared that this was not a very clever thing to say because she made it really easy for Mr. Todd to push her away once more this way, but to her surprise, she saw that he was actually looking for the right words to answer.

"When I proposed to... help you, I expected that the only way to make this work for me was by closing my eyes and pretending you were Lucy. But now... It's so much easier than I thought. I don't want it to stop."

"It doesn't have to," Mrs. Lovett whispered.

As the demon barber was lying so close to her, muttering those words to her, something inside of the woman awakened again. A feeling that she had thought to be gone since Peter Turpin had almost had his way with her, was resurrected by Mr. Todd's words.

"We can only make the best of things, can't we?" she added. "You said it yourself to me, remember?"

"I have to admit," Sweeney said after a silence of a few seconds, "that I only said that to try to cheer you up. I didn't mean them. Because, when you really think about it... how can things get better? Every time we think we have something beautiful, when we are happy, the persons that make us feel happy are taken away from us."

"It isn't always that bad," Mrs. Lovett muttered. Part of her realized that Sweeney was supposed to make her feel better, not the other way around, but the efforts to makethe man feel better were still so familiar, that they almost automatically brought her some of the self-assuredness back that she once had had. "It's certainly true that a lot is taken from us during our life, but does that mean that we have to give up, that we just stop even trying to be happy?"

Mr. Todd sat up abruptly and the woman feared that she had said something very wrong, but all he did was reachfor her. His hand caressed her arm gently and she felt so much at ease by the tender gesture, that she didn't even consider pulling the limb out of his reach.

As she didn't reject his touch, Sweeney moved his other hand to cup her face. When the baker once more didn't try to avoid him, he stroked her cheeks and moved his thumb to her lower lip. As she still didn't pull back or showed any sign of fear, the barber realized that as if he wanted to help her after all, he had to do it now.

Encouraged by her neutral reaction this far and the fastening beat of his own heart, Mr. Todd moved closer to his landlady and kissed her lips softly.

For a moment, the woman was dumbfounded. It was awkward to feel his lips against hers. But his were cool and soft, unlike Peter Turpin's, and she found herself responding to his kiss. Almost shyly, her lips brushed against Sweeney's and just as insecurely, as if he didn't really know he wanted this himself, he pulled her closer to him.

The reluctance faded as she experienced the gentleness of his touch. Her Mr. Todd's touch; Benjamin's touch. It was just as tender and gentle as she had always imagined. Her body relaxed and she could think of nothing but the man who was so near her right now. A very pleasant kind of adrenaline rushed through her body, but she felt that it wasn't enough yet. A primal instinct told her that she needed more of him and in order to get this, she parted her lips to invite him to invade her mouth.

When she felt his tongue against her own a few seconds later, it was like time itself stopped. All there was, all there would ever be, was him, and him only. It was unclear to her whether he was kissing her because he wanted to forget about Lucy like this for a while, or because he wanted to help her but nothing more, or because he actually cared for her. But at that moment she didn't care; the only thing she wanted was the kiss to last as long as possible.

Seconds turned into a minute and yet, he didn't let go, except to take a short breath of air a few times. She clung to his shoulders and his hands were caressing her hips through the fabric of her dress, but it didn't scare her anymore. It only made her long for more, just like he had wanted to let her feel again.

When they finally let go, it felt to Mrs. Lovett as if everything that once had happened before had taken place in another lifetime, like it had nothing to do with her anymore. The only thing that was still real, was the situation she found herself in at that very moment: in the arms of the man she loved.

However, as the two stared at each other, she read doubt in the barber's eyes and that ruined the aftermath for Mrs. Lovett completely. She could tell that he was thinking of Lucy and right now, he probably hated himself because he had touched another woman.

"Nellie," he said after a few more seconds of silence, "I…"

"I know what you're going to say," she interrupted him. "If you really must, then please do it in such a way that I can't hear it. I don't want this moment to be ruined; I want to remember for the rest of my life how happy I am right now."

"Happy?" Sweeney repeated sheepishly.

"Yes," she sighed. "Those were the first few seconds since you-know-what happened that I didn't think of him and what he did at all. I know you don't want me because of Lucy."

She stood up from the bed and walked away from him and the bubble of bliss they had just been in, not wanting to hear the rejecting words he was doubtlessly going to say.

Even though her fear seemed to be gone now, she realized this was far from over yet.