Helped, Healed, and Held

It wasn't fancy and it wasn't whole, but it was something Jack recognized, and that was worth something, right? It was essentially just a piece of metal, but Jack knew better, and smiled when he finally figured out where the Doctor had been.

"You recognize it," Tosh presumed by his expression.

"Yeah. There's a planet just past the Merian Constellation known for its minerals—beautiful place, truly, but I couldn't remember what it was called. This metal can only be found, processed, and kept on that planet."

"Kept?"

"They're even more well-known for their war tactics, so they use it to make weapons—that's really the only thing they use it for—but it's so specialized they don't allow it to be transported off their land."

"...Right."

He smiled at her confusion, "Point is, unless they've changed their formula, I know what kind of poison is in the TARDIS. As long as it isn't so concentrated it's fairly harmless; just spread it around a little and it's fine. It's not a bad way to go, really… Anyway, if she'll let me in, I should have enough time to enable the ventilators and get it out. Probably."

"You're willing to die for him?"

Jack's lips quirked up at the question, "Always. I need you to go upstairs, okay? Shut the door and seal off the vents down here until I say so."

She looked like she wanted to protest but knew it probably wouldn't make a difference. "Yeah, okay."

"Great."

Once she was gone, and Jack heard the vents around him close, he laid both hands against the doorframe and stared at the ship in front of him. "You know I'm your best shot," he rationalized. "His, too. So c'mon, Gorgeous, open up for me." After a few moments he felt something resembling a grumble rock the ship under his palms, and soon enough the doors opened, emitting an ugly green fog into the room. "Ugh, delightful. Now why would you keep that bottled up inside you?—it's not good for you, you know," he said, smiling wryly. He held his breath and ran in, heading straight for the console and flipping the brightly-colored switch underneath, watching through watering eyes as the fog began to clear. After enough of the haze had dissipated he walked back out of the ship and called Tosh.

"Yes?"

"Just wanted to let you know it's safe to unlock the door and open the vents back up."

"Doing it now."

Jack waited a few minutes before he left the basement feeling a little better: He had finally been able to do something useful; and with the TARDIS soon-to-be in working order, maybe the Doctor would get better too. He bounded up the stairs and over to where the lab was, watching Owen look over a file as Jack leaned over the railing, "Anything change?"

Owen hummed at his question, "Kind of… There seemed to be a minute shift in his posture and pulse—like he almost relaxed slightly—but since then he hasn't changed. What'd you do?"

"Hopefully helped him."

"Vague," Owen mumbled under his breath.

Jack scoffed, "He has a really strong connection with his ship, so I thought that if I fixed her then his condition would improve too."

"And you fixed—her?"

"Kind of," he mocked Owen's earlier words, then shrugged. "It's complicated to explain but with what I did she should get better in a little while." Owen just nodded back. "...Though I guess if he hasn't really changed I should do more..." Jack continued more to himself. He abruptly left Owen—who was still staring at him—and went back down towards the TARDIS, coughing a little when he got there from the remaining residue of chemicals swirling around the room. He waved away the smoke in front of his face to see better before crossing the threshold of the ship to inspect the damage. "Alright, let's see what we can do."

Now that he could make out the rest of the console room, he could understand why the TARDIS would be in such distress. Parts were broken and hanging all over; some pieces of the machine were even lodged in other places, making it look more like a modern art project than the orderly space it usually is. Jack started with the most obvious pieces, pulling them out of the coral pillars and tossing them out through the open doors into the empty room. Once finished, he inspected the "wounds" made to the interior and patched them up as best he could; it wasn't long after that that the lights inside the rotor began to grow brighter and Jack smiled up at the development, "So that was it? Just too messy in here for you?" She purred back at him.

Not even realizing how long it had been, Jack walked back upstairs to find it silent once more, Owen's muttering the only sound of activity. "Everyone leave?" (again)

"Yeah, where have you been? You disappeared hours ago."

Oh. Whoops. "Fixing the TARDIS. Now she should get better," he smiled.

Owen scoffed and gestured to the Doctor, "Well he at least seems to be improving. His stitches are mostly gone, and, I mean, while I can't definitively say anything (since he's practically comatose) his vitals seem steadier and he generally looks more relaxed." It was the only medically-relevant information he could offer; there's not much else to say when watching over an unconscious patient.

"Thanks for the update. You heading home?" he asked, looking at his watch.

Owen shrugged, "Whatever. You don't need me?"

"Nah. Hopefully helping the TARDIS is helping him, but I don't know how long it'll take before he'll—" (hopefully) "—wake up."

"Alright, then call me if something interesting happens," he smirked.

Jack mock saluted, "Aye, Aye."

Owen rolled his eyes in return and left.

Waiting is boring. No, waiting is tedious. Tedious and boring and frustrating and you can't do anything to make it stop or to speed up the process. Even worse is when you can't do anything at all. You can't help 'cause there's nothing to be done; you can't leave in case something happens; you're stuck in the same infuriating room with the same unchangeable conditions. And all you can do is wait.

Jack lapped the small space several times over before he noticed the slightest change in the Doctor's state. First it was just a small twitch of a finger* that slowly spread to his hand and then eventually his arm. Soon enough the Doctor's whole body was shifting and when Jack placed a hand on his shoulder and called his name, the Doctor opened his eyes.

"Jack?"

He grinned down at him, "Yup, in the flesh. How're you feeling, Doc?"

"Like I woke up from a coma," he deadpanned.

Jack let out a small laugh. At least he remembers it. "Sucks, doesn't it?"

"Completely." He looked around himself with all the machines and wires hooked up to him in amusement. "Quite the set up you have here."

"Oh, yeah, here, sorry," he started, helping to disconnect all the cables attached to the Time Lord, "Get off the cold slab of metal and follow me; we can catch up in my office." The Doctor gave him a Look—like he knew Jack wasn't really looking to "catch up"—but silently trailed behind him anyway. It was the least he could do.

Jack opened the door and stepped aside for the Doctor to enter first. "So, you're really feeling better?"

"Yeah, much. Thanks, Jack," he replied genuinely. He jumped up and sat on the end of Jack's desk, watching as the other man simply leaned against the door frame.

"Of course."

There were a few moments of silence before the Doctor narrowed his eyes, "What?" he asked, weary of Jack's skeptical expression.

He shrugged, "Just wondering."

He sighed, "About…?"

"You were alone."

Oh. Great. "And?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Because you could have died?" Jack answered incredulous.

"So would have anyone I took with me," he countered.

Jack looked like he wanted to argue the point further, but instead reluctantly let it drop (temporarily) in lieu of something else. "Why did it affect you so much? The poison, I mean—you shouldn't have lost your memories."

"Hit my head too, Jack," he unnecessarily reminded him before sobering, "Maybe because I wasn't used to it? I haven't been to Ralcor in—Oh, honestly, I don't even know how long." He looked up at the ceiling, squinting his eyes and moving his fingers like he was counting something.

"Doctor, it really doesn't matter how long it's been."

He lowered his gaze back down at Jack and curtly nodded, "Yeah, probably right."

Jack just rolled his eyes before asking quietly, "And why didn't you let me in?"

The Doctor closed his eyes for a moment, "I told you."

"What, that it would hurt? By then I was already in your head; and it wasn't that—I mean, it could have been worse," he quickly amended.

"Humans," the Doctor muttered disdainfully, shaking his head. "Before I even let you in I closed off 63% of my brain, Jack—oh, don't give me that look—it was more for your benefit than mine."

"So you did know where I was supposed to look?" he asked incensed, standing up straight and advancing on the Doctor.

"No, actually, I only knew which events to block because I could feel them once we got there. You had access to everything but specific events I didn't want you to see. Well... for the most part," he continued more quietly, looking away. "But what you haven't seen is so much worse, Jack."

"So show me."

"No."

"Show me."

"No."

"Doctor—"

Several expressions passed over the Doctor's face before he settled with a set jaw and penetrating stare. "Fine," he snarled. "You really want to know, Jack? You're really sure you want to know what memory rushes through my head every second of every day?"

"Yes! You shouldn't have to hide anything from me. Besides, it's not like your memories are going to kill me," he added (half-) jokingly.

No. You'll just wish they did. The Doctor took a couple of deep breaths to try to calm himself before stepping squarely in front of the other man, "Then sit," he commanded, pointing to the chair behind Jack. After he did, though, the Time Lord towered above him, his eyes piercing and his body radiating such tension that Jack couldn't even look him in the eyes, "You sure you're sure?" he challenged one more time.

"Yes. Just do it." Before I can change my mind.

The Doctor shook his head but placed his hands on either side of Jack's head and opened his mind completely, letting the "worse" drown out any other thought Jack had.

Death. Destruction. Fire. Fear. Mothers fathers sisters brothers friends strangers, all crying and screaming at once in terror, in pain. He felt what the Doctor felt: the agony and misery and despair and guilt. He saw what the Doctor saw: the entire population running, because that's the only thing left they could do; the reality of a lost cause, of a hopeless, lose-lose situation; of the inevitably of the fall of his planet. Jack could relate—but just barely.

He felt like he was trapped there for days, and at some point he started to feel the tears running down his face, but that's when the Doctor appeared in front of him, taking his hand and leading him away...

Jack woke up with a gasp and they were back in his office, the Doctor still staring at him, but now with a softer glare underlined with concern. "I'm sorry," Jack choked out, breathless.

"I know," he returned cooly. The Doctor studied him a moment longer before turning on his heels and disappearing without another word.

He was down—no, he was hiding—in the archives, mumbling to himself while repeatedly turning some artifact over in his hands playing with it. "I'm sorry," Jack offered again, walking up behind the Time Lord. What else can I say?

"I know," he replied, turning around to face him. We've already been over this. They stood there looking at each other, neither knowing how to continue. "Now do you understand?" The Doctor asked out of nowhere.

Jack started, "What?"

"Do you understand? Why I didn't want you in my mind? Why I had rejected you when you tried to reconnect the first time?" Jack just barely shook his head—like he didn't want to admit he didn't know; the Doctor sighed heavily like he didn't want to have to explain, "My walls were breaking down, Jack; I had no idea what was coming out—what I would remember... I didn't want you caught there if I wasn't in my right mind to get you out." Oh. Jack opened and closed his mouth a few times, speechless. "So you do understand." He numbly nodded in return. A strained silence fell upon the room, neither knowing how to continue. "I never thanked you," the Doctor stated abruptly, a disturbed look on his face.

"For what?"

"Coming. To get me, I mean. I—I didn't know if you would, and I don't think I ever sincerely said thank you."

Jack's eyebrows knitted together, "Doctor, I'll always help you. All you have to do is ask; I wouldn't turn you away. Especially when it's something like this."

The Doctor just nodded and gave him a small smile in response. Its emptiness made Jack nauseous.

There was another beat of silence before Jack frowned deeper, realization hitting, "That memory... that's what you think? All the time," he clarified, "out of everything, that's the thing that overpowers every other memory you have?"

"Yes," he whispered sadly.

"Why?" Shit. Why did that come out? He shouldn't have asked anything in the first place—he didn't mean it—at least not that way—but the Doctor's now wearing a far-off look of guilt and shame and Jack can't take it back—

"Because it changed me. I don't know whether it was for the better or worse—maybe it's a grey area, or a thin line I'm always balancing on—but what I did changed me. And I can't take it back or do it differently... I don't even know what I am now because of it."

And suddenly something in Jack snapped. "Listen to me, Doctor—no, don't just nod—, listen to me." He waited until he had the Time Lord's full attention before continuing. "You wanna know what you are? You are incredible." The Doctor let out a rush of air and turned away. "No, don't do that, look at me." He moved forward till he was standing in front of the Time Lord, just staring at him until he finally looked back up at Jack. "You. Are. Incredible." God, I shouldn't have to say this. Not this slowly. Like he doesn't understand. Like doesn't believe me. "You change the world, Doctor, and while yes, sometimes there may be a fine line with what you do, you've changed it for the better. There isn't another being alive who could do what you can; who is willing to do what you do. You save lives, Doctor; you change lives. I became a better man because you showed me how to be one."

"I did more than that to you, Jack," he said quietly.

"Don't," he said fiercely. "Just—don't. That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it. Just once, please just this once, don't turn everything someone says to you into a self-loathing punishment."

The Doctor looked down, "Sor—"

"And don't be sorry!" Jack took a deep breath, suddenly aware of how loud his voice had gotten and how worked up he was. "Doctor," he began more softly, "don't be sorry for who you are. Don't doubt how amazing you are. You're brilliant and kind and selfless and generous and essential to the existence of every planet in every universe. Just…" he took another deep breath, "Just don't forget that."

The Doctor sniffed, nodded tightly, and made to walk (run) away; but Jack grabbed him by the elbow and drew him back, pulling him into a hug. It was only a few seconds after the Doctor tensed in his arms, that yet another one of Jack's shirts grew damp with tears. He just held the Time Lord tighter, though, and whispered soothing nothings into his ear. I know it hurts, it'll be okay, it'll get better, you're amazing, never forget that, it's going to be okay, you're strong, you'll get through this, I'll be here for you, I'm not going anywhere, you're safe here, it's alright, I can help if you let me, don't be scared, you're not alone, you'll never be alone…

It seemed to go on forever, but when the tears finally stopped falling, and sobs turned into soft gasps of air and hiccups, Jack still held him, refusing to let go before the Doctor did.

tbc

*The Princess Bride (1987) (Yes, again) ;) FEZZIK to WESTLEY outside the castle: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!

*Also: [after all the build up...] DW 7x4 ("The Power of Three") BRIAN: You're never going to believe this. My cube just moved! It rattled!