AN: This is dedicated to a close friend, who I recently may or may not have lost. Personally, I'm unsure. I just want her to know I care, and that this hurts. I love her more than my own sister, being totally honest.
I own nothing but the pajamas I've had on all day.
"Maybe that's why I need to end it."
Those eight simple words shattered my heart.
"Bella, please tell me you're kidding."
She shrugged.
"You can't honestly mean that! Am I really that bad of a friend?"
I went over memories in my head. Sure, I hadn't been there every single moment. There were times I was busy, and not able to talk. I didn't think those times were too huge though. I was usually always there. I remembered getting up at 3 a.m. because she needed to talk to me. I tried as hard as possible to be different. I hated all those bitches that left her. They made friends with her, then broke it off after a few months. Jessica, Lauren. I had wanted to beat their asses. That is not how friendships work. I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen. Hell, I promised HER I wouldn't let that happen. I said I'd always be there.
She simply shrugged again. She's telling me that we aren't friends and then just fucking shrugs? I kept my cool, not wanting to get upset. I had no reason to be upset.
"Bella, oh my God. Bella, you can't honestly say you want me to just leave.. and never talk to you again. Over one little thing?"
"Other people have done it before. Why not me?" she asked.
"I don't understand."
"Other people easily say goodbye without a second thought."
Without a second thought? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"I don't want you to go, Bella. I don't know what I would do without you."
"You have other friends, Alice."
She thought I had other friends that could even begin to compare to her? No, that's just not true. Bella was my best friend. I don't talk to the other people all day. I don't fall asleep texting them. I don't wake up to a text that says 'wakey waky!' The 'other' friends don't know me like she does. I've told her so many things that I could never tell anyone else. Those people aren't my best friend.
"I'm not ditching you. I will always be there for you. No matter what. You can come to me with anything. Always."
"I'm going. Bye."
*
I crawled into my bed, and turned on my iPod. The speakers were up literally as loud as possible. Welcome to my Life was on repeat while I laid there and cried.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
All but one, and that one is gone, I thought to myself.
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
And no one hears you screaming
I pulled the blanket over my entire body, and let the tears fall.
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of felling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Quietly, I sung along. My voice was shakey, and cracked from the tears, but I sung along nonetheless.
She would come back. I couldn't lose hope. My promise still stands. I just hoped that somehow, someway, she would realize this; realize that I'm not perfect. I hit next on my iPod, stopping the song mid-track. I didn't think about what was next. Just my luck. Another sad song.
Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be...perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be... perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be... perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be... perfect
A whole new round of tears came. I laid in bed, letting the sobs shake my body. So much for having hope left. I turned off my iPod, and tried to let sleep overtake me.
If she only knew that I couldn't do this without her...