April 25th, Spring, year 20

I had a long conversation with Muffy today, about the past and how to let it go. In fact, that was pretty much all we spent the day doing, hanging out up at the Goddess pond and talking.

She was the first person I told completely about Damien. I guess it's kind of silly now that I think about it, but I knew that Mom and Dad wouldn't approve of him if I tried to introduce them. I mean he looks nice and is really charismatic, but he's just…

I guess there's no really good way to put it. He's an ass all around. He drinks worse than Karen, and smokes like a chimney. I never really did anything very heavy, and I always made sure someone knew when to cut me off, but more often than not Damien would end up facedown on a counter or a bar… or sometimes the bar floor, which was sorta amusing.

I met him completely by accident when I was supposed to meet Muffy in town. I got lost cause I was without Uncle T for the first time ever (and I swear he's got a radar, he always knows where he's going!) and when he saw me fighting in frustration with a map and trying to find a phone, I guess he took pity on me.

And it went on from there. I ended up not meeting Muffy (she snubbed me for a week because of it. Stupid 16 year-old hormones…) because he wanted to take me to some club. Where I got to experience my first attempts at getting… well, high. I didn't drink until I hit eighteen… and even now I just don't like the taste.

I guess I wasn't half as irresponsible as some other I can think of, but for me.. raised as I was by my parents and extended family, it was pretty bad. I was always careful to bring extra clothes wrapped in some of Mom's potpourri bags so that I could hide the fact that I smoked… I popped breath mints or mint leaves to hide the smell of alcohol.

By the Harvest Goddess, I was a mess. Lying to say that I'd lost track of time and missed the last ferry 'accidentally' so that I could join in whatever entertainment Damien wanted my company at, or saying I was going to visit Muffy when I was really going over to his apartment for a party.

I don't know how I managed to get the 'straight-faced' gene in the family. Jack and Pony can't lie worth a damn, either on the phone or in person. Maybe it was to make up for the lack of cooking gene?

Wow, that sounded lame. I still kinda find it weird that I got away with all of this for such a long time. Mom and Dad never asked why I was going into the city so much, and after the siblings moved out, they stopped asking too. Admittedly that's because both of them were too busy to spend more than a few minutes on the phone… still though, it is kind of shocking.

I think… I think Mom knew. Dad could be pretty oblivious, but Mom did all the laundry. She never said anything, but there were days where I caught her looking at me sadly. I brushed it off then… I wish I hadn't I wish I'd thought to ask her for some advice on how to deal with Damien.

Or I wish I'd gotten the chance to show them the tattoo. Just so I could hear Mom's scolding and Dad's temper over doing something so major.

I wish they were still around. I miss them. The way Mom could bake her pies without needing to look at the recipe, the way Dad, in his rare off-time, would take me fishing in the early morning hours.

But… No matter how hard I try I just can't make myself cry. I want to cry, I came close to it while talking to Muffy, yet nothing came out.

It's just… numbness. Like everything's locked inside and I can't unlock it by myself. Some days I wake up and I can't breathe with the weight of everything I have to do and deal with.

I mean—and I guess this really is my fault—rescuing sprites with next to zero hints, trying to figure out how many sprites I can feasibly find going by what I've done so far in the process of clearing lands and collecting lumber and stone… Counting my money and wondering if I'll be able to afford animals this year or next, with the money I have to spend on building up seeds for crops, or buying grass seed to plant on the other fields so that I can have a surplus of hay and fodder for the eventual cows and sheep I want to buy, saving money to buy chicken feed in bulk since mice got into the stuff my parents stored…

The list is endless! I almost think it would be easier to sell the place, let someone else handle it… but Uncle Takakura would probably die of shame, not to mention Jack and Pony's reactions.

It's not that I don't love the farm—though admittedly sometimes I wish for something else to come up—its just that sometimes it feels like I'm suppose to make a kingdom out of mud and straw, when it's all I can do to keep myself afloat on driftwood..

But I can't bring myself to disappoint my family, especially Uncle T. He's so happy to have things to ship, even if it's only herbs and grasses, and weeds. (I collect anywhere from twenty to ninety weeds a day. Even if they only sell for a G, it adds up over time. I think I've earned over two thousand on weeds alone.)

I'm really hoping that Damien took the hint and will leave me be, but I don't know how lucky I'll get. He can be really stubborn. I heard a while back from an old ex that unless he does the breaking up he harasses the girl into getting back together with him.

Which he has done with me, though I admit that he did it so smoothly I hardly even noticed. Which is pretty sad, considering. But he somehow managed to convince me that it was the wine or the drug talking and that I really didn't want to break up with him.

I hope I have more of a spine this time around. With Uncle Takakura making his awkward mumbles about me getting married and starting a family, I don't want Damien to be a candidate.

Heck, if I have my way, I will be the old maid of the family. Take that little sister.

-added two hours later-

…Boy doesn't that look childish. Smooth Claire, real smooth.