Disclaimer: None of the characters in this are real.

Disclaimer 2: All of the Star Trek stuff belongs to Paramount Pictures and the wonderful (yet inconveniently deceased) Gene Roddenberry. Also, the songs Jonathan sings while locked in the detention block with no entertainment are all from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (which belongs to 20th Century Fox and Richard O'Brien).

Nobody in the Star Trek club was sure how they were supposed to fight the Star Wars fans face-to-face. It didn't really work like that.

"Tactical Officer, have you thought of any ideas?" Patrick asked.

She blushed nervously. "Um, not really. I wrote an 1000-word essay about how Star Wars and George Lucas are both incredibly stupid… but I'm not sure how to devise a battle plan using that."

"I wish Ensign Michael was here. Every good starship crew needs a redshirt and he was ours," Communications officer Kate Spinner said thoughtfully.

"Oh yeah, that funny little kid we recruited a few weeks ago. Whatever happened to him?" asked Chief Engineer James (aka a tech savvy kid who's fixed his Mom's ancient Windows desktop a million times.).

Marie chuckled. "He apparently decided that he didn't like going to meetings at 8 o'clock in the morning or watching entire seasons of TOS in one day. Silly little coward"

"Ooh, I saw him at that awful coffee shop in the Neutral Zone yesterday. He was sitting at a table with one of the Star Wars club creepy-lookalike-twins," Kate whispered secretively.

"That traitor!" a few people muttered.

Patrick rolled his eyes. Again. "We're really getting off track, people. I think we should stop gossiping about Michael and go back to planning our battle strategy."

Suddenly, Tactical Officer Marie's face (metaphorically) lit up. "I've got a great idea! Why don't we dump buckets of paint on them? Even if they aren't wearing any dry-clean-only stuff, it should stain quite nicely."

Kate grinned maniacally. "Ooh, we could use that dreadful bright pink color my seven-year-old cousin used to paint her bedroom. I think she had an entire bucket of wall-paint left over!"

"That sounds like a good plan," said Patrick. "You should try to obtain that bucket of paint by this afternoon. Tactical Officer, I want you to think of a way to throw the paint at them without any getting on us."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Meeting dismissed," said Patrick, smiling cheerfully.

The Holojournal of Mark, leader of the Rebel Alliance

(Fighting the Gallifreystown Empire since 2012)

June 28, 2015

I believe Patrick of the Trekkies has gone insane. Actually, I know he went totally insane about three years ago. Whatever. The point is that he's gone crazy enough that he wants to have some sort of face-to-face fight on one of our borders. I've no clue why. I sort of want to send him a letter pointing out how ridiculous that sort of thing is (and possibly include a nice little brochure for the nearest mental institution in the same envelope). But something in the back of my mind says: "defend your honor and George Lucas! Ruin their dry-clean-only outfits with water pistols!"

After thinking about that last bit, I invented a bunch of hilarious battle cries to shout at them. Maybe I have Scottish ancestors...

Anyway, I've decided that I'm totally going to agree to attend this 'battle'. I can send my worst enemy brochures implying his lack of sanity another time.

June 26 (or so Julie thinks)

On the starship Enterprise, in the Counselors' office…

"So, what sort of person is Jonathan?" Troi asked the strange girl.

"He's a really nice guy I met him at a party a few days ago- actually, yesterday. Today has been so crazy it seems that home was a lifetime ago!"

Troi felt sorry for the girl. Well, at least the girl was adjusting better than most. Once the shock had worn off Julie seemed to be doing quite well.

Suddenly, the counselor realized something. This friend of Julie's just might be the teenager locked in the brig.

"Tell me a bit more about Jonathan. What's his last name, for example?"

"Well, his entire name is Jonathan Becker. He lives in the same town as my cousin Caroline, who I'm staying with for all of summer vacation. He's got brown hair, brown eyes, and a nice smile."

Counselor Troi chuckled. "I think I know the boy you're talking about. He's currently in the brig, sulking dramatically. He also happens to be wearing his pajamas. Maybe we could bring him some daytime clothes and you could talk to him for a while?"

The moment Troi recommended going to visit Jonathan, she sensed much enthusiasm from the girl.

"If it's really him…. then that sounds like a great idea!"

When they got to the detention block, Julie heard singing. She wasn't sure which was weirder- the song's lyrics or the fact that the singer was clearly Jonathan.

Soon, she saw the cell that he was locked in. There was a force field of sorts where one of the walls should've been.

"Jonathan! What on earth is going on?" Julie cried, rushing over to the cell.

He stopped singing.

"Oh thank, god. You made him shut up! That boys been singing all day long," said the guard.

Jonathan kicked the floor in annoyance. "I was bored. So bored I sang Science Fiction/Double Feature four times, everyone's lines in Over at the Frankenstein Place six times, Brad's lines in Dammit Janet five times, Janet's lines in the same song three times, Dr. Scott's lines in Eddie's Teddy, Longpork- er, I mean Meatloaf's lines in Whatever Happened to Saturday Night, and-"

"And the song about the crossdressers about 100 times," the guard finished coldly.

"12 times. I only sang that 12 times."

Julie stared at him. "But why did you sing those songs? Why?"

"I've been bored. Very bored. Very, very bored. I've spent the whole damn day trying to remember lyrics to songs. I would've stolen a copy of Tale of Two Cities from the Vulcan schoolteacher if I'd know how boring this would be!"

"I wish you had," the guard added.

"But why those songs?" Julie asked.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "That's all I know with lyrics, except for the awful theme song they played on the prequel show Star Trek: Enterprise."

"Can't be more awful that the song about the crossdressers..." the guard said helpfully.

"I've never heard of those songs before, you know," Julie said conversationally.

"Good for you!" said the guard.

For the first time since they'd gotten there, Troi spoke. "Please stop with the commentary. My patient has just been reunited with a dear friend and you're insulting said friend's taste in music."

"But-"

"I won't hear any more from you. Any more complaining about Jonathan's taste in music and I'm reporting you."

The guard began muttering to himself about music being much more respectable during his teenage years.

This made Jonathan burst out laughing.

"I'll explain the joke later," he whispered to Julie.

After a moment of awkward silence, Counselor Troi pressed a button on the badge she wore. "Counselor Troi to Commander Riker."

"Riker here."

"Commander, I've got new information on our so-called invader. Meet me in the ready room in 20 minutes."

"Fine. Riker out."

To his joy (and the guard's) Jonathan was let out of the brig. Julie gave him the letter she'd written about running into Mr. Data and the food replicator. By the time they'd gotten to the meeting room, Commander Riker was already standing their waiting for him.

Suddenly, Julie remembered something. "Didn't your friend tell you to 'stop behaving like Riker' or whatever? What was that about?"

"Ask me later. It's a bit of an inside joke that Commander Riker probably won't appreciate."

A/N: The reasons I decided that Jonathan should be a fan of The Rocky Horror Picture Show were:

- The songs are very weird out of context (and in context, for that matter!)

- It's not well known in the US as a stage show, so an American fan of it might not know most Broadway stuff (which should explain why he won't get any of the West Side Story references Q will make later)

- The poster is iconic enough that a theatre geek from the 24th century might recognize it

I hope that makes sense.

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