Jean-Luc was dumbfounded as she beat her fists against her knees in impotent rage. What the devil is wrong now? he wondered. She shook her head, arguing with a voice he couldn't hear. He sagged against the bulkhead, defeat creeping into his heart. They'd been so close. How could he have let himself believe she wanted him; wanted more than coffee and croissants? He was a fool.
Beverly opened her eyes and her soul shattered. The pain and confusion on Jean-Luc's face tore through her heart, making the slightest breath burn like Will's Twelve Alarm Texas Roast Sauce. Unable to bear it, she crawled toward him and placed her hands on his thighs; forcing him to meet her gaze.
"Jean-Luc, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."
Shit. He was too old, too bald. It wasn't fair. He was in better shape than men half his age – he certainly hadn't porked out like a First Officer he knew. Even Data, in his quest to be more human, was showing signs of portliness. And the baldness? Well, she'd have to suck it up. He was not going to be one of those starship captains who wore cheap rugs in an effort to look young and verile.
"Beverly—"
"It's about Jack."
He froze. Jack? Still? He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off.
"I know I should have told you years ago, but I didn't know if it would work, and then you left, and we didn't keep in touch, and then the time never seemed right—" the words spewed forth like corn vomit from her lips. She took a deep breath. "Jack didn't die on that mission."
"Beverly, I was there. I held his body."
"No, you held his host" Her eyes took on a faraway cast. "Jack was—is—a Trill."
She could have whipped out a six-foot plush penis and declared it to be art, and he would have been less surprised.
"When you brought Jack's body—the host's body—back, you also brought all of his personal effects. Carter gave you a box. Do you remember?"
Jean-Luc struggled to find his voice. "He said it was something very special for you. That Jack insisted you receive immediately upon his death."
"It was." She squeezed his hand. "You brought Jack home to me. Carter put Jack in stasis, knowing I would find him a suitable host."
The deck beneath Jean-Luc shifted alarmingly. Please do not let her say what I think she's going to say, he prayed. "And?"
"And the shock of almost losing him was too much. I couldn't bear to be separated from him again; always worrying and wondering if he was safe." She pulled his hand and pressed it against her abdomen. "So I became his host."
Jean-Luc swallowed the acrid bile that spurted from his throat. He wrenched his hand away, but not before he felt movement beneath her skin. Shuddering like an automobile being driven by a teenager with no experience with a standard transmission, Jean-Luc recoiled in horror.
"Jack and I are still married."
He was going to be ill.
"We decided that since Starfleet declared him dead, we'd keep the arrangement our little secret."
He eyed one of the potted plants, contemplating the utility of the pot as a receptacle.
"We didn't think we were hurting anyone. It wasn't until we decided to join the crew of the Enterprise that things got awkward."
She cocked her head to one side, listening to what he now knew was the voice of his best friend. He broke out in a cold sweat and tried to calculate how long it would take to rip the snowdrop out of the pot.
"But, you... me... us?"
She smiled ruefully. "I'm so sorry about that. You and Jack were very close, and he longed for the friendship you once shared. Unfortunately, now that he's in a female host, those feelings manifested in a sizzling sexual attraction."
He wasn't going to be ill. He was going to pass out. This can't be happening.
"Jack and I were content to share you," she added, mistaking his pained expression for disappointment. "Really, we were. He was fine with my enjoying your body because he had the connection to your soul."
Make it stop.
"It wasn't until Geordi filled Ten Forward with snowdrops that I realized pursuing a sexual relationship with you was an act of betrayal." She picked up a pot and caressed the tiny flower. "You remember, don't you? These were our wedding flowers. You wore one on you dress uniform."
Where the hell is a Cardassian gaoler when you need one? Celtris III and its four lights was a honeymoon compared to sitting in a Jeffries tube with the slug brain of his dead best friend writhing inside the woman he loved. He dumped the plant and soil onto the deck and proceeded to empty his stomach.
"Now that you know that Jack is alive, we need to leave. If Starfleet were to find out, we'd be court-martialed for desertion." She gently wiped his face with a cloth she got from who knew where.
Jack probably handed it to her, he thought bitterly.
"So, we're going to move back to my home on Caldos."
He nodded.
"Data to Picard."
"Picard here," he replied, relieved to have his attention drawn away from the nightmare in front of him.
"Sir, the requisite forty-five minutes has elapsed. Would you like me to beam you both back now?"
Jean-Luc wanted, more than anything, to be beamed into the vacuum of space where his blood would instantly boil, causing his head and eyes to explode, ending all thoughts of Jack the Trill. Instead, he replied, "Yes, , now would be fine."
He looked over at the Crushers and said, "I will see to it that your resignation is processed as quickly as possible. We will drop you off at the nearest starbase, which should give you several travel options for journeying to Caldos."
"Ready when you are, sir."
"One moment, Data." Picard closed the channel. "There's something I need to know. Odan?"
Beverly smiled. "A previous mate."
Ah.
"And Ronin?"
Beverly paled slightly and gripped her stomach. "Don't mention him. We owe you a huge debt of gratitude. If you hadn't come after me, Ronin would have merged with me and killed Jack!"
Of course.
Who but the illustrious Jean-Luc Picard could run to rescue the love of his life and wind up saving her husband?
He signalled Data, and as the tingling of the transporter filled his body, a single thought flittered through his mind:
Worst. Groundhog. Day. Ever.