March 7, Spring, year 21

I just… couldn't attend the wedding… I haven't left my farm in two days… Gus and Nami are getting married soon too, he proposed on the fifth…

This isn't like when my parents died… Then I was numb. Now… I just hurt too much to want to get out of bed. I've been ignoring the phone, the door… everything.

Food… a joke. Everything just sort of crumbles in my mouth, but doesn't taste like anything. I think the only reason I'm still getting up in the morning is because of the farm. I can't let it fall back into disrepair, not after all of this.

Lauren's been really apologetic… I keep trying to tell her she's not at fault. It's my fault for assuming that Skye… loved me as much as I love him.

…that took me an hour to write. Gods, I'm crying again…

I feel so stupid! I should have know better than to expect someone like him to not have a previous engagement. He probably didn't know how to let me down gently…

And I kept… throwing myself at him, like…. Like Karen at wine! (Not to call my cousin a lush, but she is a pretty hefty drinker.)

I had to.. to put the flower, the Moon Rose, in another room… I put it in Jack's old room. Looking at it.. thinking about it… I can't. I can't handle it. I almost wish I hadn't planted all the seeds, because I just don't have the heart to dig them all up and risk killing them.

I told… told Lauren what happened, or she gleaned it out of my tears the other night. Not only is she remorseful, she's mad. She's been… goddess bless her, she's currently my lifeline. She's the only one who knows everything about the whole situation and she's been sticking close to me when she's not working..

Nami refused a dress, I think… Lauren said something about going and picking up a female wedding suit, since it would be too hard to sew, even with the both of us working on it… and I'm… well, fair useless right now. So I'm going to be by myself for a couple of days…

…I can't really picture Nami in a dress, or even getting married. It's… kind of surprising to think about. She's such a… wandering type of person. But she has been here for a couple of years.

About the same time that Gustafa came back actually. But he takes off routinely every three or so years to find new song inspiration. Not many people know that he's famous outside the island. I think he'd rather keep it that way too.

I have to distract myself…. I don't want to start crying again. And… sitting here being melancholic won't get my off-the-farm plants taken care of. I think… I think the wedding party's moved to the beach now. No one will ask questions if they don't see me.

Yeah… I'll do that. Farm work will… steady me, I hope. Maybe numb me back into my playacting. I don't want people to wonder what's wrong with me. I don't want to answer questions, or really… talk to anyone.

Right.. here goes.