Giftfic for Dariahn, as thanks for translating Playing With Fire into Russian.
The feeling of Shinji's hand under his. The touch of his warm skin in this room with its warm water and steam-laden air.
It wasn't the same as the call of Adam and Lilith's flesh. Not the call to gather up all life into one the way SEELE craved, nor the call to revive this dying planet, to generate new life to fill this world. Or was it?
Even though he knew he must not yield to those urges, lest the Lilim perish, he still found himself shifting closer to Shinji, who glanced at him and then glanced away. His cheeks were flushed: was it the temperature of the water?
He was fairly certain that it was curiosity, not the call of the progenitors, that made him touch Shinji's cheek just lightly, to see if he could brush away that red. A strange thought, when the color came from the blood in Shinji's veins, and he certainly didn't want to remove that. He couldn't understand why the Lilim would hurt the Evas so just to try to ensure their own survival, advance their own goals.
The Evas which contained souls of the Lilim and Lilith, and also this boy. Who was staring at him now, cheeks flushing a deeper red, before he glanced away when Kaworu's eyes met his. "Am I frightening you?" he asked, because that was why SEELE and their scientists looked away rather than meet his eyes. It was refreshing how people here, how Shinji, was willing to speak to him as a fellow human. When they were fellow humans, despite SEELE's tricks.
Shinji looked up at him and back down, then shook his head. Slowly, he said "It's strange, but…"
The lights cut out, leaving them in darkness. Kaworu reached out and felt Shinji's warm flesh, but it was hard to see Shinji's eyes. He wouldn't know if Shinji was afraid, and that thought distressed him even as his body shifted closer to Shinji. That was what decided him: this wasn't the call. The call was an absolute, that took an effort of will to fight off, even temporarily. The call wouldn't leave him divided between shifting closer again, to feel more of that warm flesh until their flesh became one, and pulling back to meet Shinji's eyes, see that soul without mingling it with his own.
This was something else, and even if Shinji called it strange, he didn't seem surprised. If this was something to do with his angelic nature, the pilot who fight off the angels might recognize it? So perhaps this was something to do with his Lilim body, a call of the body instead of the soul. A desire for a kind of closeness other than the union of souls.
When they reached his room, it was Shinji who suggested that they could share the bed. Kaworu had meant to offer it to him, so Shinji would be well-rested in case Kaworu lost control and Shinji had to try to fight him. It wasn't likely that it would make much of a difference, one of the Lilim's beasts against the soul of Adam, but any chance he could give them…
He sat down in the bed near Shinji, since that was how they were in the bath, but then thought better of it and mirrored Shinji, lying down. Shinji was the one who seemed to know what this was. He didn't want to reveal his ignorance in case it revealed his nature. How had it gone?
First, he touched Shinji's hand, and felt the other boy's fingers tangled with his. He saw Shinji's blue eyes relax, and that was a wonderful feeling, to see someone calm and grow less afraid because of him instead of being terrified of the angel. Worshipful, worshipful was worse.
Yet even that didn't content him: he wanted more, and the next thing, the next thing he'd done was touch Shinji's face, near eyes that he knew would shine blue in daylight. A pity he would never see them like that, just the red tint of sunset and the artificial lights of NERV.
Shinji's hand followed Kaworu's to his cheek, touching it, and the next thing he'd done was near-stumble closer to Shinji. So he shifted a little closer in the bed. Shinji's breath quickened. "Is that not alright?" Kaworu asked, hesitating. He should move back immediately, if Shinji was frightened, but he didn't want to. He let out a sigh of relief when Shinji shook his head.
Shinji reached out, and hesitated. "Can I…?" he asked, his voice trailing off.
Kaworu smiled, even more relieved now. "I would like that very much." So Shinji did know what this was, and how to go about it. That meant it was something of the Lilim, and if he was willing to take the lead Kaworu wouldn't have to expose his ignorance.
Shinji skipped Kaworu's hand and went straight to his cheek. Seeing Shinji gaze into his eyes left Kaworu nervous himself now: would Shinji notice their hue? It was the same as that of the First Child, but that meant he would have seen it before, in another angel. Did he know her nature?
He saw Shinji frown, disappointed, and begin to withdraw his hand. "No," Kaworu said quickly. "It's fine." He wanted to make some joke, but while it was easy to mock SEELE and make playful puns with Shinji outside and in the halls of NERV, here and now his wit had deserted him.
"You're nervous too," Shinji said, as though it was a revelation, and shifted closer still.
That was the last of what they had done earlier: what happened now? Because he found himself still wanting something, looking at Shinji's eyes, his cheek, his lips. What did his Lilim body want? Closer echoed in the back of his mind, but that might just be the call, near-dormant for now but soon to spring to life. Soon.
The same kind of want appeared in Shinji's eyes, and for an instant he felt very Lilim. "You are the same as I am," he said wonderingly, the same as he'd said to Rei earlier. How had he forgotten that, no, how had he let SEELE strip that awareness from him? They were both human, and humans were meant to be together, even if it hurt, even if it led to the later pain of separation.
The 'together' came first, he thought, and pressed forward. Shinji had to twist a little to let Kaworu's arm in between his body and the mattress, and it was his help that let their bodies fit together.
"I haven't done this before," Shinji said, and so Kaworu was right that it was considered shameful not to do this, not to seek out others.
"I haven't either," he said, a smile in his voice because they were the same this way as well. His body wanted to press closer, and all thoughts of the call fled his mind. It seemed as though there could not possibly not be any reason not to press closer, not to rub against Shinji when he couldn't enter that body, and judging from the sound Shinji made, how he echoed the motion, yes, he must have guessed right.
The feel of Shinji's skin, the smell of him in the crook of his neck, the heat, so much more intense than the heat of the water: he felt his body trying to dig into Shinji as Shinji's strived to press closer to him, but no, it wasn't the goal but the process. Not union but togetherness, a leisurely press and curve and arch against the pilot's body, his own growing heated as Shinji said his name.
By the time his body began to demand some culmination, there was no thought left in his head to fear that it was the call he felt, only desire.
Afterwards, the world was warm and Shinji, so that explosion of bliss was not Third Impact. He let out a sigh of relief into Shinji's softly panting mouth. "Kaworu," the body in his arms murmured.
"That was wonderful," seemed called for. No, more than that, "You are wonderful." He pressed his lips against Shinji's cheek and wondered what else there was to do. Shinji squirmed in his arms, and Kaworu let the pilot position them both so Shinji was comfortable. Ah, sleep. Yes, he wanted Shinji to be well-rested.
They awoke when Kaworu was summoned for sync tests, and when they were released from the LCL they stumbled out into the light of the day SEELE meant for the birth of their god.