The following chapter is more M-rated then the rape chapter. 8D
I was going to send the draft to Sorryll but... stuff happened, and I just kept writing and.... Yeah.
I feel dirty, oh so dirty, oh so dirty, and smutty, and wrooooong. And I pray... that my parents... Never happen-upon-this-file stashed on our desktooooopppp....
Heh...anywayyyyy.... Yeah..... So, LEMONS, HOLY CRAP! *dives off of website*
----
The previously blinding lights had dimmed, the bloody instruments tossed back onto the cold tray they'd been taken from, and the others were clearing out at last. It was almost impossible to believe that all this had happened in a few short hours, that just days before everything was fine... Or as close to fine as it had ever been. But Jizabel could believe it, he had long since grown used to such rapid and agonizing change, though it still was able to eat away at him.
"It's a perfectly preserved specimen, are you sure you don't want it?" Zenopia paused, holding the jar at an odd angle to get a different view, awaiting Death's response, for he knew it would be awhile. "The human brain is a fascinating machine, but I already have a few-"
"Take it. I never want to see it again"
His response cut the room like a knife, and for several seconds the only sound heard was the cloth he was sliding over one of his scalpels, attempting to wipe the blood off. And although it was spotless now, and had been for several minutes, he could still see blood, smell it, all over him, everywhere. It wasn't his own, it wasn't an enemies. It was...theirs... It was a mixture of that mans acid, and Cassians life, spilling over into his hands. It would never come off.
Zenopia raised an eyebrow, rather oblivious to the doctors current dilema. "Well, if you insist..."
He rubbed his chin, as he sat the glass jar containing Cassandras brain onto his work desk, somewhat pleased with how it fit in with his other belongings, however scarce they where.
"Of course, I heard your own collection had been almost completely destroyed, are you sure you don't-"
A sharp clank rang through the room, as he slammed the scalpel back down onto the table, turning on heel and marching in Zenopia's direction. Without a word he stepped right past him, picking the jar up off the table, taking a moment to look at it's contents with a sickened scowl.
"...Yes... If you want me to have it..." He was shaking, as he walked away from the table, a death grip on the jar as he lifted the surgical mask he'd been wearing earlier back up to his face. "...I'll take it...."
With that, and without warning, he threw it hard against the wall, smashing the glass and watching the organ splat onto the floor. That of course was not even enough, and it was barely over a second before he'd slammed his foot onto it, crushing it beneath him.
Zenopia's eyes widened just a touch, and he took a step back just as Jizabel drew another scalpel from his pocket, stabbing it into the tissue, slicing up what was left of the brain. The sharp instrument fell from his hands, and he stayed one his knees for a moment longer, catching his breath. Zenopia frowned, taking an awkward step forward as he pulled a rag from his pocket, wiping specks of the brain and other tissues from his own glasses as he approached Jizabel. He stood behind him for a moment, leaning over him to look at the damage.
"Perhaps you need some sleep..." He remarked, still put out with what had just been done to such a nice specimen. Jizabel stood awkwardly, leaning onto the wall closest to him for support, leaving a smear of blood across it from his gloves.
"...Yes...perhaps...."
A small groan was heard behind them, and they both turned at the same time, realizing it had come from Cassandra... No, from Cassian. Cassandra was on the floor... all over the floor.
"...I don't want him waking up yet... Give him another dosage...."
Without any further words, or even a moment to check on Cassian, he left the room. It was too soon for him to wake up... It was too soon to see him, it was too fast, too much, it was... He swallowed, staring down at the blood dripping over his hands. Was in under the gloves too? Of course it was, it had to be, it was staining him, everywhere...
"I was growing rather tired of that mans impudence, I quite enjoyed your little spectacle, Jizabel."
Every word from the Cardmaster was another brutal stab, but it never mattered did it? Jizabel took an awkward step towards him, before leaning into his stiff embrace.
"Good boy, Jizabel."
He shuddered, as Alexis pulled his head down to his shoulder, his cold hands threaded into his own silvery hair. He returned the icy embrace, keeping his blood soaked hands off his fathers clean suit, his own eyes staring blankly to the hall floor. It was numbing, a good numb. The only thing's father had ever brought him, numbess and pain, and pain was numbness. Both were an enrapturing break from the real world. It didn't matter what Cassian had said, it didn't matter what he'd always known to be truth, that he'd thought about killing him before, that he spent all his time alone sulking in hatred and fear.
Father was here, holding him, touching him, praising him, devoting his attention all to him... It was a lie he was willing to live.
But Cassain is warmer...
-----
Zenopia had suggested a sedative, the lower cards solved problems with alcohol, and The Cardmaster... The Cardmaster saw nothing wrong. Jizabel cared little for the short term effects on either options, however tempting they where, that loss of his better judgement would not be worth the numbing effect. It had been a little past eleven o'clock when the surgery was finished, and almost two in the morning when he staggered into his own room, tossing the bloody apron and surgical gloves to the floor. He had just sat down and pulled off the surgical mask as the clock finally struck two. It was then that it occurred to him that the last time he'd set foot in this room it was with Gladstone, as he packed up what few belongings he needed.
Now here he was again, the same place he limped off to every night. Three days had passed, but nothing had changed. He hadn't talked to Cassian yet, though Zenopia had. Infact, Zenopia had been keeping watch for the past few days. He slumped into his seat at the his desk, staring blankly at his own notes on the surgical procedure. He wouldn't see Cassian until this sickness subsided, not until his head cleared...
But there it was again, the red color that came to him when he closed his eyes, the scent of blood, the brutal, nightmarish images... He took in a deep, ragged breath as his head fell into his hands. He stayed this way, rubbing his temples for what seemed like an hour, hearing only the agonizingly slow clock and his own heartbeat. Was this concern? When had he last felt concern? He thought for a moment, trying to recall the last time he'd even cared for another person, and finally came to the conclusion that what he felt now was entirely different. There was worry, of course, worry for Cassian, worry for the future, worry in the back of his head that somehow, someway, Cassandra was still there... but there was something else too, something entirely different that he hadn't felt since the ritual of regeneration, not since Cassandra had rekindled his worst memories, not since-
"You've eaten not only your best friend, but also the lives of your sisters. This is how you continue to survive"
A brutal stab sprayed blood onto the desk, splattering across the mahogany surface. His grip on the blade tensed, and he cut into his arm abit deeper, dragging it up the pale skin forming jagged lines in the crimson.
Somehow it made sense now... It was guilt.
He turned the scalpel slowly, almost unaware of his actions as began to trace something over the line.
Guilt for mother, for his sisters.
It cut roughly, blood dripping onto to the floor with every jagged slice.
Guilt for Snark. Guilt for every sick thing he'd seen done to animals, for the sins he knew he was guilty of.
The crucifix fell towards his arm, the bottom point of it dipping into the deepest of the cuts, almost infecting the wounds.
Guilt for Cassian.
They were precise, they were careful. Death wasn't the goal, not yet, he wouldn't cut too deep, he'd avoid the crucial veins, but only until his work was complete.
Guilt he should never feel for humanity, guilt his better judgement told him was pointless.
Several more slices, tracing letters across his blood soaked skin, until he finally dropped the scalpel to the floor. The blood from the cuts had completely soaked his arm, and the stains on the carpet would be trouble to remove, if anyone ever cared to come in here again. Somehow he doubted it.
"I'll give you this, It symbolizes your sorrow over death, and your willingness to embrace your own sin..."
His breathing was ragged, as he wiped the sleeve of his shirt over his arm, wiping away the excess blood, revealing the text he'd scrawled into his flesh.
SINNER.
It was rough, pointed, with an overwhelming sense of pain radiating from it, and it was written above the first slice he'd made, underlining it to reenforce the point. He raised his other hand, jerking the crucifix from his neck hard enough to break the chain, before flexing his arm, making the most crucial veins in the wrist more visible. He swallowed, lowering the point of the cross down, about to stab down for that final slice just as a strong hand gripped his own bloodied one, pulling it back.
"....C-cassian...?"
He turned slowly, but before he could even make eye contact with the figure before him, a sharp pain stung his face, as the older man backhanded him.
"What the hell are you doing?"
Jizabel whimpered at his harsh tone, an action unknown to himself, and one that almost made Cassian feel guilty for striking him. He raised his head once more, a little more wary this time, to face him. It was him, yet it wasn't. This was what he had been dreading, this was what he was terrified of... Yet somehow, the eyes were softer, much closer to Cassians own. Furthermore, the way he carried himself was different, his speech pattern was different, It was Cassian.
"...What are you.. doing here now...?" Jizabel closed his mouth immediately, shocked and embarrassed by the scared and pathetic voice that came from his lips. He lowered his voice, finding a whisper abit easier at this point. "...What are doing here? ...You shouldn't be up, Zenopia was watching you, I thought-"
"He was sleeping, I'm fine." his tone was sharp, and it did a fairly good job of silencing Jizabel for the time being. He paused, before walking over to Jizabels bed and tearing fabric from the sheets. Without any further words, or any fight from the doctor, he wrapped it tightly around his arm, slowing the blood flow. Jizabel glanced at him, from the corner of his eye.
"...You're shaking. You aren't 'fine'."
He raised his head to him, only to have him look away again.
"I don't think that should be your concern right now." He finished, tying it roughly enough to get a pained gasp from the younger man. "If it hurts so much, then why do it?"
"...It's all I understand," he paused, feeling more insecure with every move Cassian made. He opened his mouth again, but even after several seconds nothing further came from him, and he closed it again, wishing Cassian had been a little later. Had he been later, at least this shame wouldn't be overwhelming him. The older man walked around him, putting his hands on his shoulders, Jizabel shuddering under his touch.
"I'm sorry then, I wish that wasn't the case...."
"...How.... How do you feel?" The doctor whispered, unsure how to respond now.
The words themselves seemed foreign coming from Jizabel, but it dawned on Cassian that normality had long since vanished.
"....I think I'm alright... It's... very strange." He paused, his hand lifted from Jizabels shoulder, wandering unconsciously up his head to where he had been cut into... "Zenopia told me alot... but you know how he is. I would have preferred to have spoken with you, but...."
"I'm sorry."
Cassian swallowed, shocked again by the younger mans tone and choice of words. Had he ever heard him say that to anyone? In a way, he really did deserve the apology. 'I'm sorry for ignoring you completely whenever you tried to get close, I'm sorry for being such a prat, I'm sorry hurting myself, even after you've sacrificed to stop me.' Yes, it would have actually been rather nice had those phrases followed, even though he felt guilty to think it.
"....It's alright. I know you are... You were with me yesterday."
Jizabels eyes widened, and he turned to face him, earning a chuckle from Cassian, one he knew to be quite different then Cassandra's cruel laughter.
"You thought I was asleep, but I was awake... Thank you for spending that hour with me.... When I heard you and Zenopia talking.... I was surprised you were that worried."
Jizabel took this moment to stand, almost losing his balance, the blood on the floor an unfriendly reminder of his current state. Though the pale hugh to Cassians own face was an unfriendly reminder of just how frail they both where.
"Lie down, you lost alot." Cassian said, cutting the silence, though not cutting deep enough, for Jizabel gave little regard.
"I haven't lost enough for that," He remarked, the stiffness to his tone returning, his harsh ways coming back. "You should. You're my patient, You shouldn't even be moving around yet."
However, in the time their brief argument had taken place they had already come very close to the bed, Jizabels leg brushing against it, and with little warning aside from a victorious smirk Cassian pushed him just hard enough to knock him back onto it. With that, he sat down on the edge of the bed infront of him, glancing behind his shoulder at Jizabels bewildered expression.
"Well?" Cassian questioned, his tone giving that strong indication that he would not give in until he won.
"...Ah...Alright...."
An uncomfortable silence fell between them, made even more awkward by the fact that Cassian hadn't lashed out at him yet for what he'd done, well, aside from the slap. He had to have been thinking it, was he just bottling up his anger...? Would the scoldings be coming soon? A pink hue rose in his cheeks, embarrassed by how childish he made him feel, but given the darkness of the room Cassian saw nothing. He felt a weight shift beside him, as Cassian stood. Suddenly, although he desperately wanted to deny it, panic struck him.
"Where are you going?" the words escaped his mouth faster, and more anxious, than he would have preferred.
"Alcohol." He replied, with a short gesture to Jizabels bandaged arm, "I'll come right back." He added reassuringly. Jizabel swallowed as Cassian continued his walk to the door.
"Cassian!" His hand stopped at the call, just as it touched the door knob, and he turned back to face him. "...There's a bottle in the cupboard..." Jizabel murmured, pointing meekly towards the small cabinet beside his desk. Cassian raised an eyebrow. At this point, the doctors behavior was just too odd. Perhaps it was the lack of blood, the stress, god only knew what they'd both been through. In truth, his own head was splitting, and he hadn't gotten used to this body, he never would. Infact, he hardly felt comfortable around Jizabel, not like this.
He kneeled on the bed again, pulling Jizabels arm towards him and unwrapping the bandages again, feeling him shake abit as he poured the contents of the bottle over the cuts.
"Please stop doing this. I don't want to lose you." Cassian whispered, tracing his finger over the jagged word before wrapping it up again with a fresh bandage. "...and don't brand yourself something you're not."
"...I already did it. It's there to stay, forever. I can't undo it."
"Yes, you can." He ran his hand over the bandage, "...maybe not there, but...." He continued up his arm, and onto his body, finally stopping to rest on his chest. "...here." Cassian paused, realizing that the black cross that normally hung at his neck in a most forbidding way was gone, It's absence lifting a dark veil from the surrounding space.
"I told you... I can't..." He whispered back, mournfully.
Cassian swallowed, taking Jizabels hand. The action itself was borderline horrifying, yet what's done is done. Suddenly there was no going back, suddenly any doubts they'd had of eachother felt so small, so ridiculous. Cassian finally spoke, as he looked into Jizabels eyes, eyes that where so much closer, so much less hazier, tonight then he'd ever seen them.
"...I know you can't, I won't try to make you... but I can't let this go on." Jizabel swallowed, as Cassian ran his hand through his hair. "...Please trust me."
"...I do."
Their lips brushed together, in a fleeting moment. Cassian was the first to pull away, a dry feeling in his throat. He'd almost fallen back off the bed, but the grip on eachothers hands remained, a bond neither wanted to give up, and Cassian regained his balance, adjusting his seat next to his now blushing superior. Really, neither knew who had made that first move, perhaps they'd both initiated it. The flavor it left was intoxicating, leaving them both starved for another taste the minute they drew away. But Cassian finally broke the contact, standing and crossing to the door.
"I-I should go."
Jizabel bolted up, dashing infront of him just as they both reached the door. Cassians hand was on his head, a sharp pain coursing through him. Jizabels own head was spinning, standing up so fast after losing that much blood had taken it's tole.
"Don't."
"...Doctor."
"Call me by my name!"
Silence fell between them, as Cassian opened his mouth, just barely whispering his name. He raised his voice abit, as Jizabel took a step closer.
"Jizabel... I can't do this..." He turned the knob, cracking the door open, but with one rough movement Jizabel slammed it closed again, turning up to Cassian slowly.
"...Don't....Leave me...." It was desperate. Cassian had heard him like that before, but not like this, never like this.... He shuddered. Was it really right? For months he'd thought about it, about the doctors body, his lips, the beautiful soul hidden beneath that torn and bloodied exterior... and yet... He never thought it would come this far, perhaps it was because of his juvenile body, his old body, but it was also guilt. He hated feeling that way about Jizabel, it was wrong. Not just because he was a man, but because of that innocence. The innocence he wanted to protect, though it was an innocence long since stripped from him... And now, now he was in Cassandra's shell... how could Jizabel even want this? There was no hope for such relations now, how could he want any form of contact, how-
His thoughts where cut off as that warm, calming sensation spread down his lips like the oceans current, coursing through his body, as Jizabel raised his hand to his face, kissing him, begging him to return it. How could he do this, how could either of them do this? He did return it, wrapping his arms around the younger mans waist, even pressing his tongue into his mouth, deepening it as Jizabel moaned. The doctors free hand moved to the door in this time, awkwardly searching for the lock, an action Cassian had hardly noticed until he heard it click. Finally they pulled away from eachother, Jizabel pausing to wipe the saliva from his mouth, before he looked back up to Cassian. Those were Cassians eyes, his alone.
"...Are you sure?" Cassian murmured, that question that had been at the tip of his tongue for the past minute.... but he only received an impatient nod in response, as Jizabel leaned into him, resting his head on his shoulder.
"...Yes." he finally replied, the color in his cheeks rising again.
----
The temperature in the room had dropped exponentially, although they both knew it to be their own rising temperatures. Cassian looked down into Jizabels amethyst eyes, as his hands wandered down his body, stopping just at the bottom of his shirt. Jizabel gasped as Cassians fingers danced over his skin, slowly unbuttoning the shirt, though he would have much preferred them to touch him elsewhere first. He whispered the older mans name, but was silenced with a deep, passionate kiss... just as Cassian pushed the front of his shirt completely open, running his lips down the younger mans chest, licking over one of his nipples, down, dipping into his navel, lower, lower... finally stopping just at the edge of his trousers, as Jizabel moaned, arching his back just as Cassian lifted his head.
"Cassian, please!"
The older man nodded, pulled Jizabel closer to him, kissing his beautiful lips sweetly as his hands roamed back down, fumbling with the first button, slowly reaching his hand down the front of the younger mans pants. Jizabel moaned into Cassians mouth, the pleasure of the moment completely overwhelming. He gasped, as Cassians kissed his neck and collarbone, and as his senses finally came back he began to unbutton Cassians shirt, all the while unconsciously thrusting into his hand, praying it wouldn't end.
Of course, that was when it did, when Cassian gentle touch left him.
"...Nhh....More, C-cassian..." The older man leaned over him, resting a finger on his pale lips.
"Give me a moment."
Jizabel swallowed, nodding, as Cassian continued, finally removing the rest of their clothing. The moonlight shined in from the balcony, as Jizabel sat up, kissing slowly down Cassians neck, the assertiveness he had in most everything else returning to him. Cassian gasped, as the younger mans tongue trailed over his chest, and just as he'd reached the edge of his ribcase he stopped him, cupping Jizabels chin in his hand and raising his face to his.
"I love you." Cassian pulled him closer, savoring that sweet embrace. He swallowed, a suddenly ill feeling rising as his hands slid lower, over the jagged scars crossing over Jizabels back.
"...I..." Jizabel took a breath, unsure what he really felt, suddenly uncomfortable with this vulnerability, "...Love you too."
There was silence between them for several seconds more, as Cassian slowly, gently, pet Jizabels hair. The younger man swallowed, resting his head on Cassians shoulder.
"C-cassian?"
"Hmm?"
He took another breath, clenching his fist, though out of the older ones range of vision.
"You...You know... When I have those nightmares....?" Cassians grip around him tightened, as he felt the younger man shiver. "...When the others aren't there...when the rest aren't haunting me, there's another I always see...." Cassian nodded, a single tear dripping from his face and onto Jizabels shoulder. "It's my mother, I know it's her.... Her eyes... they're gone. They're just empty, bloody holes.... She...She never looked at me, Cassian... and I hear Father talking, and he has a platter in his hand and....and...." He sobbed, as Cassian continued to pet him, making a few shushing noises as he held him close.
"....I...and I... don't want to have those dreams tonight."
"...You won't. I promise you won't."
That was where they stayed, for several minutes until they'd both calmed and remembered their own urges, a blush rising in both their cheeks. They pulled away from eachother, slowly, the seperation, however short, agonizing to them both. Cassian smiled warmly, using his hand to wipe one remaining tear from Jizabels face.
"...You wanted to continue, then?"
With little more then a nod, and a few soft kisses Cassian gently pushed Jizabel back onto the bed before repeating his previous move down Jizabels body, this time his lips not stopping as he went lower, lower, eliciting a startled cry from Jizabel as he groped at the sheets on the bed beneath him. This pleasure, however, was only a distraction as Cassian ran his fingers up the back of Jizabels thigh, sliding underneath him and pressing against his entrance. Jizabel whimpered, closing his eyes as he felt Cassians finger press into him. It didn't hurt as much as he'd expected, partially because he'd long since lost his virginity, but mostly the gentleness of his touch, such decencies he knew he'd never experienced before, certainly not from Cassandra. He winced, a second finger probing him, as Cassian finally pulled away from Jizabels erection, leaning up to kiss his neck.
"Does it hurt?" he whispered, his lips beside the younger mans ear.
"...No... Not any more...."
Cassian nodded, pressing his lips against Jizabels, just as his fingers prodded deeper, brushing against the younger mans prostate. His eyes widened, and another pleasured moan escaped his throat, as Cassian drew his lips away, aswell as his fingers, taking a moment to position himself. He swallowed, looking down at Jizabel, who turned his head away suddenly, embarrassed by his own lust, aswell as a twinge of fear.
"Are you ready?" Cassian whispered, reaching a hand down to turn Jizabels face back towards him.
"...Yes."
-----
Jizabel blinked his eyes open, groaning at the morning sun. He sighed, closing them once more, and tossing the blanket over his head. He was still mostly asleep anyway, and he wasn't in the mood to get up yet. In retrospect, last night had been the only decent night he'd experienced in his entire life, He didn't want to lose that now. The door was still locked, nobody would brake in, and he was long past the point of caring about Father. He probably knew already. He thought for a moment, dreaming, replaying his time with Cassian over and over, if only they could do that every night... Perhaps from now on? No, it had to be a fluke, it wasn't something that could be repeated so easily... But what if it could be, and what if he was to leave? Cassian was right, he could do it, he knew he could... The Cardmaster could care less what he did, wasn't another night of ecstasy, just one more, better then dying here? He shuddered. Death was what he'd been waiting for. Ever since he first heard of Fathers plan, it was a count down. And maybe, just maybe, he'd be missed when he died, mourned for just a moment, even if it was just a fleeting thing... Wasn't that worth it? Wasn't Fathers love worth that much? ....It was true. Cassian was worth more. He realized it last night. Cassian wasn't lying, Cassian cared for him, Cassian made him feel good for once. Last night wasn't like anything else before it, last night was something new entirely. It dawned on him then, as he slowly started to wake up, that last night was the way sex was supposed to be.
He smiled to himself, opening his eyes slowly and adjusting to the suns rays. Somehow they weren't harsh this morning, they were so gentle. He felt more connected to this world then he had in a long time, since his childhood... But that was when he felt it... Why did he feel alone?
His eyes widened, and he sat up abruptly, realizing the space beside him was empty, cold. Had he dreampt it? The evidence was all around him, besides, he could feel it still, taste it, it had happened. He swallowed, looking slowly in the direction of the door to find it cracked open.
"...No...."
He sobbed, his hand slowly intertwining with his hair, tearing several stands from the roots... His eyes still fixed on the cracked door, the only evidence remaining when he left him late last night.
"And tonight before you sleep
There will be a you and me
And I hope I'm on your mind
When you wake."
------
Oh god, so, what do you think? XD
Yes, I always ruin everything with something bad don't I? I'm just evil. D;
Also, I'm evil for making Jizabels desk out of... MAHOGANY. Only people who have watched Dragon Ball z Abridged will get that reference.... yeah.... MAHOGANY... and not just any mahogany, mahogany from the planet Malchior 7, where the trees are three hundred feet tall and breath fire, from these trees this desk was formed, using ancient blood rituals of the Malchior people and.... Okay, I'm shut up now. XD
Back to serious notes,
The lyrics are from Tonight, by Easyworld. That song I always have loved, but can't get anywhere, So I resort to playing it on youtube every so often, when I'm feeling like having an emo moment. Go listen to it, better yet, play it everytime you read a sex scene. XDD