Down for the Count, second part: Contemplate

by Deb H

Saturday 04 August 3004

We landed at Cheney's Palace in Mars Vegas, and the valetbot parked Amy's rocket car as the two of us walked into the arena.

"Are you sure we're not going to be overdressed?" I aksed.

She was wearing a dress with a pink and black floral pattern, with a silvery black belt. She carried a clutch in a matching silvery black. Her clothes were nice, but what I had on was more like formal evening wear.

She said, "Don't worry. You look great. Come on, this way."

"Isn't the arena that way?"

"We're not going to the arena. Not yet."

"Amy, we're gonna miss the first fight!"

"So? Come on," she said as she tried to drag me along.

I resisted and said, "The first couple of bouts are supposed to be good too. I mean, I really wanted to see Condoleezza Rice the XXIIIrd. She's supposed to be a good young boxer."

"Fine. I'll make it fast. Just come on."

"All right."

We got to one corridor, but blocking the way was a seat with a guy sitting in it. He was wearing a blue jumpsuit and hat, and he had a bushy blonde mustache.

"Hi," Amy said. "We're here to see Jazenny."

"Mmkay," he said as he jerked his thumb over his shoulder. He barely glanced up from his magazine.

"You look a little familiar," I said to him. "Have we met?"

"Scruffy," he said. "Security guard."

Amy said to me, "He works with us too."

"Really?" I aksed.

Scruffy nodded and said, "The janitor."

"Really?" I repeated. "If you're supposed to be keeping the place clean, you're not doing a very good job."

"If yer s'posed to be keepin' the ship uncrashed, yer not doin' good neither."

"Leela," Amy sighed as she took my hand and led me past Scruffy. "Come on. Let's go."

We got to a door marked DRESSING ROOM 18. Amy knocked, and a voice aksed who it was.

"Hey," Amy called back. "It's me."

The door slid open.

I stopped and looked at the woman in front of me.

With a four sleeved robe on, there was little I could really see of her, besides her face.

But what a gorgeous face.

Her eyes were two perfect pools of crystalline blue. They had a bit of a slant to them, like Amy's, but they were bigger and... different somehow. I wasn't quite sure how, but it made her look more mature. Distinguished, almost.

She had short black hair, but it was a little longer down the centre, so that it formed a fauxhawk. As I watched her, she stood up from her seat and ran a hand down the side of her head.

When she smiled at me, it seemed to light up the room.

Amy said, "What the hell is the matter with these lights?"

The woman turned to her and, letting a short breath out through her pale blue-violet snout, said, "Yeah, I don't know. They just suddenly get brighter and dimmer. They say it's like this in all the dressing rooms on this side."

"Well, I'm gonna complain," Amy replied.

"Don't bother," the woman said as she rolled her eyes. "They don't care about this side. Female boxers, we don't mean shit to them."

Amy said to her, "Well, you mean shit to some of us."

The woman nodded and turned back to me.

"Leela," Amy said as she pulled me into the room. "Come here. Leela, this is Jazenny Hannaminna."

"Leela, hi," Jazenny said as she extended a hand. "I've heard so much about you."

I kept staring at her.

I started to say something and then stopped. I started to say something else and then stopped. I started to say the first thing and then stopped. I started to say a third thing and then stopped.

"Uh... Leela?" Jazenny aksed.

My eye blinked, widened, and then blinked again. Then I finally looked down and noticed Jazenny's outstretched hand.

"Oh. Hi," I said, shaking Jazenny's hand. "Hi. Yeah, I... hi. You're... you're really..." I stopped moving my hand up and down and decided to look her up and down instead.

"Wow," I continued, breaking into a smile and starting to shake Jazenny's hand up and down again. "I mean... hi. This is... I... I feel like I... hi. I mean, this isn't what I... hi."

Jazenny had been nodding her head in time with my handshake, and finally she said, "Hi. It's, um... nice to meet you. Listen, I... don't take this the wrong way, but I am going to need that hand later tonight."

"Which hand?" I aksed.

I heard Amy laugh a little bit.

I knew who Jazenny Hannaminna was. She competed in the women's Neptunian middleweight class. That was the third highest class, and so Jazenny boxed against some strong competitors.

But she was actually at a disadvantage: she was much taller than most other Neptunian boxers.

There are a lot of tall Neptunians, like Elzar. Most of them don't go into boxing, and so Jazenny was always fighting women who were shorter but had more muscle mass. Jazenny's height meant longer bones, which meant greater overall bone mass. So shorter boxers could build up more muscle and end up in the same weight class.

Jazenny, in fact, was a little taller than me. Her chin was at my eye level, and because she was using her upper right arm, she had to reach down a little to shake my hand.

I looked down and said, "Oh, that one. Yeah." I let go and gave a nervous laugh. "Yeah, you're right. That would be a handicap, wouldn't it?" All of a sudden, I began to laugh again and put my newly freed hand to her mouth. "Oh my god! I totally didn't... I mean, I didn't realise it. It just came out, you know? I mean, I'm not normally a witty pun maker like that, so, you know, don't expect to hear that kind of thing all the time from me. I mean, you know, not that we're going to be spending more time together, because I don't wanna... Oh! No, I didn't mean it like that. I mean, I'd love to spend more time with you, if, you know, if you want to. If you don't, that's totally fine. You know, you probably have someone who... who you're, you know, with, and I don't want to take any time from that if you're worried about that. But if you would like to hang out, or if you want a sparring partner or something, or if you want someone to do your laundry or something, or do your hair or something, or shave your legs or something, or –"

Jazenny broke in, "Leela. Look, it's really nice to meet you too." She pointed a thumb over her shoulder and added, "But, you know, I gotta go start warming up."

"Oh, of course," I said. "You've got a big fight tonight."

"That's right."

Amy added, "Yeah, and we should get to our seats so we can see Condi Rice's fight. Right, Leela?"

"Condi what now?" I aksed, my eye firmly fixed on Jazenny.

"Oh, yeah," Jazenny said. "You don't want to miss that. Listen, maybe come by afterward?"

"Yeah," I said. "Of course. Hey, I hope by the time the night's over, we're giving you a big hand."

"Yeah, thanks," Jazenny said. She waved and said, "See you in a while."

Amy led me out the door – actually, she was all but pushing me out – and the second it slid shut, it seemed to have broken the trance. I put my hands over my face and slumped against the opposite wall of the corridor.

"Leela," Amy said, "come on. Let's get to our seats."

"Oh lord," I said as I followed her. "Did you see me in there? I was just totally babbling on. I must have sounded like Fry. Did I sound like Fry?"

She looked back at me but didn't say anything.

"I did, didn't I?" I aksed, shoulders slumping. "I totally did. I'm sorry, Amy. That must have been so embarrassing for you. I mean, I feel embarrassed enough, but..." I was quiet for a moment, and then I ran a hand through my hair and kind of whimpered.

She said, "It's okay, Leela."

"She doesn't like me," I said. "She thinks I'm a total freak."

"No," she said. "No she doesn't. I've told her about you. She's really impressed. She's said how much she's wanted to meet you."

"Yeah, and I've wanted to meet her. And then I go fuck it all up when I finally do. I've, you know, I've seen her fight. She's great. She's got some real talent."

"Talent?" Amy aksed.

"Yeah. She's a really good fighter. I've seen a few of her fights. That was the first thing I noticed about her. Just her natural talent."

"Anything else you noticed?"

"What?" I aksed.

"Nothing," she said.

We made a turn and continued toward the entry to the arena.

"Leela and Jazenny sitting in a tree," she said to herself. "L-I-C-K-I–"

When she turned back to me, she stopped walking.

I was feeling a mixture of shock, anger, and shame. My face was heating up – I must have been turning red.

"What's that mean?" I abruptly said.

"Leela, it's okay," she said. "I'm really happy for you."

"What's that mean?"

She said, "Look, I'm not... I think it's sweet. I mean, I didn't think you were gay. I mean, it does explain a lot, but..."

My jaw dropped, for a quick second. Then I snapped, "You think I... no. I'm not gay. It's just respect. I have a lot of respect for her. Professional respect. She's a really good boxer. That's all it is."

"Of course it is."

"It is."

"But Leela, you're, I mean, we've fucked. So you can't really say you're not gay."

"But I've fucked guys more, and I only go out with guys, and... look, it doesn't matter. I've never gone out on a date with a girl, all right? And I'm not starting now."

"Fine," she said. "Whatever."

She led me the rest of the way to the tunnel leading into the arena. Our seats were right around the corner, between Elzar's posse and a group of heads in jars that I didn't recognise.

"Here?" I aksed.

"Yep."

"We're... we're sitting here?"

"Yeah. Whatcha think?"

I looked around the arena for a few moments and then said, "Fuck me."

"Been there," she answered.

The arena at Cheney's Palace is the largest on Mars, and it's been the home of plenty of big bouts in boxing, ape fighting, robot fighting, and just about any other sport that involves two sentient beings beating the shit out of each other. Footballers want to play at Space Wembley Stadium. Basketball players want to play at Madison Cube Garden. And boxers want to fight at Cheney's Palace.

There's room for forty thousand there, in the Martian tradition of building things way the hell bigger than they would ever need to be. The cheap seats up in the top deck may have a rotten view, but they still sell, proving that it wasn't bigger than it needed to be after all. Most people don't go to these fights to see the fights. Most boxing fans go to say that they were there for the big bout between boxers X and Y that everyone talks about for generations.

But a privileged few, like the ones to either side of us, go to be seen in the background of the television footage.

And they would. A narrow aisle, a metre wide if that, was the only thing that separated our seats from the ring. To our right was the tunnel through which we had entered, the same one through which the boxers would enter. There were stools, towels, buckets, and other paraphernalia stacked up next to the corner to our left. The corner across from that would have had the same equipment, but we couldn't see it.

I was probably the only one in the entire arena who 1) wanted to see the fights, and 2) would actually get to see them.

As I kept looking around, a voice over the loudspeaker welcomed us, announced all the bouts on the card – Jazenny's was fourth – and continued, "Ladies, gentlemen, and smizmars, for your safety and enjoyment, we remind you that throughout Cheney's Palace, shooting your friends in the face is strictly prohibited. Anyone caught shooting a friend in the face will be subject to ejection, arrest, and possible appearance on Tosh.0. Thank you for your cooperation."

I finally looked over at Amy and aksed, "How the hell did you get these tickets?"

She raised an eyebrow.

I thought about it for a moment. Then I responded, "By being insanely rich and extraordinarily well connected?"

"Right."

"You know, I've heard the term ringside seat a lot. But it never really hit me. This –" here I held out my hands, "this is a ringside seat. Ring... side. Right by the side of the ring." I was silent for a moment. Then I went on, "I've never seen a bout like this. Not from this close."

"What about when Bender was in the robot fighting league?" she aksed.

"That's ultimate robot fighting," I said. "This is boxing. I love boxing. It's, like, the simplest sport there is. Knock the other guy out. That's all there is to it. But there's still so much room for technique, and strategy, and skill, and timing, and..." I shook my head. "Have you ever seen something that seemed simple at first, but then you started seeing another layer to it, and then another, and another, until finally you were like, How the hell did this seem so simple back then? Have you ever seen anything like that? Like a painting or something?"

Like Fry, I thought.

I didn't say it, though.

"And we're right here," I continued. "We're right here. Right on top of everything. Ever see those slow motion replays of a boxer taking a punch, and all the sweat goes flying everywhere?" My excitement rising, I went on, "I bet it'll get on us. I bet we're gonna get some sweat on us. Or maybe blood! Maybe we'll get some blood on us! Wouldn't that be incredible? If someone got some blood on us?"

"Leela!" she protested. "For one thing, ewwww! For another, it would totally ruin your dress!"

I looked down at my dress.

"Amy..." I began, "did you mean... did you really mean what you said earlier?"

"When?" she aksed.

"When you picked me up. Do you really think I look good? Like this?"

"Are you kidding? Leela, look at you. You're a knockout. A fucking knockout."

I started to laugh.

"Great," Amy said. "Now you've got me making shitty puns."

We looked at each other, still laughing.

"I'm serious, though," she said. "I don't know what it is, but you always look great in formal wear. Every time I've seen you in evening gowns, or cocktail dresses, or anything like that, you always look great. I mean, when we walked in here tonight, everyone was staring at you."

"People always stare at me," I answered. "It's not my clothes. It's my eye."

She said, "No, that wasn't it. I could tell."

"You're being insane. How could you tell?"

"Well, for one thing, the guys behind us were staring too."

I started to say something, but just then the lights went down and the announcer introduced the first bout on the card.

When they realised that I couldn't see, they took me straight to some other room to do all kinds of tests and stuff on me.

It was kind of annoying, but at least Fry was there. At least he and I could talk as they were working.

Fry said that he and the others had been looking everywhere for me when I didn't come back to the clinic after the quake. I had gone to look for Clara, who, obviously, had eventually turned up.

Fry told me – a few times – that he had basically given up any hope that I was alive after a couple of days. But he still went out every day looking. And so did a whole bunch of others from the town.

At one point, as Fry was listing some of the people who helped look – like Moose, Remi, Dwayne, Vyolet, and of course Bender, who ended up finding me – Clara added that she went looking a few times as well.

"Really?" I aksed her.

"Yeah," she answered. "I felt guilty, I guess. I heard you were out looking for me in the first place."

"Yeah. Where the hell were you?"

"Well, I had found this huge clump of plants outside of town a few days earlier," she said. "It's, like, an orchard or something. It's got all kinds of fruits and stuff. There's grape vines, pear trees, tangerine trees... um, what else... oh, and these sort of honeydews. You know, those melons with that green meat in them. Those are so awesome. I've been picking them for, like, my salads and everything. I totally love those things. Oh, I've got some right here in my lunch! You gotta try some! Wait right here!"

I heard Clara run off.

"Hey, Fry?" I aksed.

"Yeah?" he said.

"You still there?"

"Yeah," he said. "I'm not gonna go anywhere."

"Good," I answered. "Are they just about done with the... whatever they're doing right now?"

"No, they're still working," he said. "I dunno. Maybe they are done. I can't tell. Science and shit."

"Yeah," I said. "Science and shit. I... listen. I was thinking about, you know, after we're done here, and after the clinic is done, I was thinking – not right away, but after a little while, maybe –"

Just then Clara returned, shouting, "Here it is, Ms Wong! You gotta try it! You too, Mr Fry! Come here! I got plenty! This is..."

I said, "Stop calling me M–" just as a piece of melon was jammed into my mouth.

"How is that?" Clara aksed. She sounded like she was leaning right into my face. "Isn't that, like, the most awesome fruit ever?"

"That's..." I started to say.

"Yeah?" she responded.

I finished chewing.

"That's... like... the first thing I've had to eat in a long time," I said.

There was a pause.

The pause got longer.

"Oh fuck," I heard Clara say.

"What?" I aksed.

"Oh," she said. "No, no. It's... I'm... oh lord, I'm sorry, Ms Wong. I totally forgot. I mean... you've been stuck down there for more than two weeks, and we've been doing all these stupid tests on you, and we totally forgot about that."

"Clara..." I said.

She went on, "I mean, we've been giving you IVs, so you're getting hydrated and getting some nutrients and shit. But... fuck fuck fuck! I'm so fucking stupid!"

"Clara..." I said.

"Stupid stupid stupiiiid!" She called, "Dr Thustra, can we wrap this up for now? We gotta get her some lunch!"

Behind me, I heard Dr Thustra say, "Okay. Just a minute."

"Awesome," Clara said. "Thanks, Doctor. Just a minute, Ms Wong. Then we'll get you, like, the best meal you've ever had. I mean, it's... we just have, like, regular hospital food and shit here. It's nothing fancy. But I bet it'll feel like the best thing you've ever had."

"Yeah," I said. "Um... Clara?"

"Yeah?" she aksed. "What is it, Ms Wong? Anything."

"Stop calling me Ms Wong," I said.

"What?"

"It's Amy."

After another pause, she said, a little weakly, "What?"

"Just Amy is fine," I told her. "None of this 'Ms Wong' bullshit."

"Oh," she said. "Call you Amy?"

"Yeah."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah."

"Positive?"

"Clara!"

"All right, all right. Amy it is. We ready, Doctor?"

He must have given her some sort of signal, because after a moment, she said, "All right. Let's go, Amy."

She and Fry led me to another room, and we had lunch.

Clara was partly right. It didn't quite feel like the best meal I'd ever had, but it was still pretty damn good.

As we were eating, I aksed them, "Hey, um, how long was I down there again?"

"Sixt... sixteen days," Fry said.

I stopped and tried to stare at him.

Really, all I was doing was turning to my right and pointing my eyes in the general direction from which I had heard his voice.

"Was it that long?" I aksed him. "I thought it was just a few days. Maybe one week."

"Trust me," he said. "It was sixteen days."

"I... I'm not doubting you," I said.

His hand grasped my wrist. I put the rest of the sandwich down, and he held my hand.

"I..." he started to say.

I leaned toward him.

He wrapped his other arm around my back and pulled me into a tight hug.

I rested my forehead on his shoulder.

"I missed you, Fry," I whispered.

"I missed you, Amy."

He started to stroke my back. I did the same and slid my hand up to his head.

Then I stopped.

"What?" he aksed.

"What... what happened here?" I aksed him.

"What?" he aksed again.

I rubbed my hand back and forth over the top of Fry's head.

Then I ran my fingers across his hairline.

"There's supposed to be something here," I told him.

"Got a haircut," he said.

The upturn and spikes were gone.

For more than four years, all kinds of crazy shit had happened to us. He had found the Eagle, the original spacecraft that made the first landing on the Moon. We had escaped from the crash of the biggest space liner ever built. I had carried Fry's head around on my body, met his girlfriend from a thousand years ago, travelled inside his body, and helped him escape from all manner of alien monsters.

Through it all, the only things that remained constant were his upbeat attitude, his red jacket, and his pointy hair.

One of those had faded away over the last few months. Another one was gone now. The other one...

I checked his clothes. By now I knew what the jacket felt like. This wasn't it.

"Is this... is this a shirt with a collar?" I aksed him.

"Yeah. What do you think?"

"What colour is it?"

"You still can't see?" he aksed me.

"Nope," I answered.

"Really? I mean, you haven't been dropping your sandwich or anything."

"It's a sandwich," I said. "It's hard to fuck up a sandwich."

"Oh."

"So, what colour is it?" I aksed again.

"I'unno. Sandwich coloured, I guess."

I sighed. "The shirt, idiot."

"Oh. It's blue."

"Light blue?"

"Yeah."

I felt around his neck and then down the front of the shirt. There was no tie, and the top couple of buttons weren't done.

But something else felt odd.

"Have you... have you been working out?" I aksed.

"Yeah."

I placed my hands on his stomach. It definitely felt leaner and tighter.

I said, "Well, that's an improvement, at least."

"Yeah."

"But I'm not sure about the rest of it."

"What? Why?"

You can't change, Fry, I wanted to say. Everything else is changing. I'm abandoning grad school, I'm changing jobs, I'm moving away from the city that's been my part time home for four years. My closest friend is gone. My parents are gone. I ditched my boyfriend. I'm investing all the wealth I inherited in a home for a race of people I thought was just a scary legend a couple of years ago. I'm probably not even a Martian citizen any more. What if I'm not? What if my citizenship has been revoked because I'm fighting the DOOP for the freedom of another planet? I'm fighting against the DOOP, for Oprah's sake! Does that make me some sort of terrorist or something? Am I gonna be on, like, some no fly list, or the list where they do a cavity search every time I visit another planet? I don't want to be on the cavity search list! If we lose the war, they'll lock me up as a political prisoner! Has the war been going on all this time? I haven't heard any bomb blasts or anything. Maybe they've recognised that this is a medical facility and they're not attacking it. Maybe the war is already over. Maybe we already lost. Maybe one of the terms of the surrender was that they had to hand me over after I recovered. Maybe they're just treating me until I'm well enough to send to prison. Maybe they're intentionally delaying my recovery so they don't have to hand me over. Maybe they blinded me on purpose so they could treat that and not have to hand me over. What if they did? What if they did blind me on purpose? Would they do that? No, of course not. They're not like that. They're good people. But they are freakish mutants who have never lived on the surface of a planet until now. What if they have some weird aversion to sunlight where it makes them insane or something? Like, their brains don't know how to process vitamin D or something? Does vitamin D cause mental illness or anything? What about vitamin A? That's the one that gives you good eyesight, right? Is that what I need? Is that why I'm blind? I guess they'll figure it out. Unless they did it to me on purpose. But they didn't. Why the hell would they do that? Nobody blinds someone on purpose! But nobody shoots someone on purpose, either. Well, soldiers. And cops, if the guy won't give himself up. Or if it's self defence. Like when we're escaping from wherever we made a delivery, and the locals are shooting at us. Like that delivery we made after Leela... like that delivery. Fry, you shot down all the fighters that were chasing after us. What about those pilots? They couldn't all have bailed out safely, right? Some of them must have died, right? Do you think about those people? Their families? Their friends? The people who were in love with them but never got a chance? Do you spend the rest of your life with them? Well, that's what I'm doing. I'm spending the rest of my life with Leela's parents... with the other mutants... with you. And every time I see you, I see the emptiness. I see the gap in your life. The one that I created. The future that I took away. That's what I see when I look at you. Or... that's what I saw when I looked at you. I may never be able to look at you again. Fuck, I wish I could see you now. How do you look now, with short hair? Do you look funny? Or maybe you look awesome. You used to look like no one of consequence. Maybe now you look like no one to be trifled with. Maybe the sight of you would make me feel better. Make me feel that things aren't going straight to shit. I wish I could see you now. I wish I could fucking see you.

His arms wrapped me up again as he held me tightly.

How did he know how I was feeling?

Then I felt a tear roll down my nose.

Well, that answered that.

I heard a cough behind me.

"Um... Amy, Fry," Clara said. "Listen, I... I don't wanna rush you or anything. It's just... there's a lot of tests and stuff that we want to get to. And it's getting late."

"What time is it?" I aksed.

"17:25," she said.

Epsilon Eridani 4's rotation period is just over twenty three hours. On Mars, they add the extra minutes at the end of the day. Here, we do the opposite. The clock runs from 00:00 to 23:09.

That was weird.

A few months ago, I would have said we in relation to Mars and them in relation to this planet.

I guess I really am one of them now.

"How long have I been up?" I aksed Clara.

"About four hours," she said.

"When is your shift up?" I aksed her.

She replied, "No, that's... I'm not really on shift."

"What? What does that mean?"

Fry pulled me away from him. He said to me, "Well, this place isn't officially open yet."

"Oh," I said.

That made sense. When the quake bomb hit, we had still been about six weeks away from the clinic being ready to open.

Clara added, "Yeah. But we have the staff here, and some of the equipment already. And, you know, we've already been treating, like, the construction injuries, and anyone who's gotten sick, and stuff like that. But anyway, why don't you finish your sandwich, and then we'll finish those tests and figure out how to get your sight back. Sound good?"

It did.

When we finished lunch, the two of them helped me back into the room where we were doing all the tests.

My legs still felt like dead weight. I told them so.

"Yeah, sorry," Clara said to me. "We've got a few devices for stimulating your muscles and making them grow back. They've atrophied these last couple of weeks. You know, because you haven't been using them. So we got the things in from Cedars Syrtis on Mars while we were doing the surgery."

"Surgery?" I aksed.

"Yeah."

"What kind of surgery?"

"They, like, rebuilt the bones in your legs," Fry said.

"Repaired," Clara added. "There were some breaks and bruises. The nanites did what they could, but, you know, once we got you here, we had to pretty much put you under right away. Well, I mean, you had already passed out, but we just put you on an anæsthetic to keep you out. Turn."

"What?"

"Turn," she said. "We're at a doorway."

"Oh," I said. I started to turn, but all of a sudden, their arms weren't there on my shoulders any more.

I reached out but couldn't get a hold of anything.

I started to tilt to my left. I stepped in that direction.

If my leg made contact with the ground again, I didn't feel it.

"Waaauugh!" I shouted as I tumbled to the floor.

I came down on my side, my arm spread out on the cold floor in front of me.

"Shit!" I heard Clara say as she bent down. I sensed her arm and then Fry's on my other shoulder, the one facing upward.

"You okay?" Fry aksed me.

"Yeah," I said. The arm that impacted first stung a bit, but that was all.

They helped me back up to my feet.

"Tell you what," Clara said as we finally made our way through the doorway. "From now on, when I want you to turn... I'll specify a direction. I got a feeling that'll work better."

"Yeah, okay," I said.

They got me settled back on the bed.

"There," Clara said. "How's that?"

"Fine, I guess," I said.

"Your legs still feel numb?"

I said, "They feel kinda... like... kinda soft. Like... like I shouldn't put too much weight on them, or something."

"Yeah, that's what I figured," Clara said. "We're gonna get you hooked up to the stuff now, so that should go away before long."

"To the stuff?" I aksed.

She said, "Yeah. You know, the devices that we brought in from Mars. They'll make your muscles regrow. We'll let them run for a few hours while we keep on with the tests for your blindness."

"Don't let the things run too long," Fry said. "Or else she'll end up, like, half a Hulk."

There was a pause.

"You know," Fry added. "With her legs all..."

He had to have been making a gesture. I pictured him holding his hands out over my legs, spreading them apart to represent excessive growth.

Fry can be a little bit insane sometimes.

But I love him for it.

That's right. I'm in love with Fry.

I'm sure that's not news. What is news is that I think I have been for a long time.

I mean, that was why I wanted Leela to give him a chance. He was never going to rest until she gave him a chance.

A real, honest chance. Not one of those fake "Let's go to a blernsball game together, but I'm only going to fill in my scorecard and I'm not going to pay any attention to you" chances.

She would do that to him every once in a while.

And it fucking pissed me off.

I wanted to slap her. I wanted to give her a hard slap across her face and shout at her, "I've had enough of this shit! That guy is totally devoted to you! He would do anything at all for you! He's learning to fly the ship, he's learned to play the holophonor – well, he's tried – and... and if it wasn't for him, you would have died! A few times! And you would have killed your parents!"

Then she would have punched me and dislocated my jaw. A tooth or two would probably have gone flying too.

But hopefully, a few hours later, she would have realised that I was right.

I wanted her to treat him better. He deserved it. He had earned it.

That was why I was in love with Fry. Not the way I was in love with Kif.

Although I feel way different about Kif now.

There are a couple of kinds of love. There's the kind where you want to spend your life with him, and it doesn't matter whether he feels the same way or not. You keep hoping that he will come around – that there is something you can do that will make him come around.

There's also the kind where you just want him to succeed. You want him to get what he wants. If that's spending his life with you, that's awesome. But if it isn't... well, maybe you're kinda disappointed, but you know he's going to be happy, and that gives you a little happiness.

And there's, like, familial love, where you're just happy that he's part of your life, and you want to be part of his life too. It doesn't matter how, just as long as you know you're there for one another. I think that's how brothers and sisters are.

Maybe parents and kids too.

But I never felt like that about my parents.

I had never felt like that about anybody until Fry.

We had gone out briefly. That was how I ended up with my scar. It's hardly noticeable any more, but it's just about the only permanent reminder of that time. I was still in college then. I thought I had plenty of time before I would settle down with a guy.

So I never really thought about Fry as anything more than a good time. I think he felt the same way, but he was afraid that maybe I was getting into it, that I was falling in love with him. It was still only about a year after he was unfrozen. I'm sure he still wanted to see what else the Universe had for him. I'm sure he didn't quite know what he wanted.

And within another year or so, he would figure it out. He wanted Leela.

And when I realised that's what he wanted, I was like, Why the fuck not?

It's not like Leela had anyone better. The guys she picked on her own always wanted something different. They wanted her to be something different. To be something she wasn't.

Fry already knew what she was. And he liked that. He didn't want her to be anything different.

I know I've already said that I thought they belonged together. That they were, like, the perfect couple.

I'd call them soulmates, but Professor Kardashian-Timberlake's landmark 2775 paper thoroughly disproved the soulmate theory. She also wrote important papers about the Soul Train theory (the correlation between skin colour and rhythm), the Soul Calibur theory (the correlation between diagonal running and bladework), and the Coffee Mate theory (the correlation between coffee flavourings and sexual preference). But the soulmate paper is best known, because it proved mathematically that it's impossible for people to have soulmates.

I read a summary of it once. The proof basically showed that if you postulate the existence of a soulmate Y for some person X, that person will invariably do something to fuck up the relationship. So X and Y don't end up together and cannot, by definition, be soulmates. Therefore, by contradiction, the original postulate, that there exists a soulmate for every sentient being, must be false.

It had caused a huge fuss. There were protest groups demanding that marriage be abolished – these were mostly made up of scientists and mathematicians. There were protest groups demanding that mathematics be abolished – these were mostly made up of wedding planners and Postmodern Bride editors.

In the end, though, not much really changed. People still went to churches and got married, and people still added numbers together and got bigger numbers.

I think some people believe that their relationship really is perfect. They think they'll prove that the mathematicians are wrong and that their guy or girl is their actual soulmate.

But I never really doubted the premise until I saw Fry and Leela.

They perfectly balanced each other out. She could get riled at anything and everything, but he could take anything in stride. He always acted without considering the consequences, while she couldn't act until she'd thoroughly considered them. She could take the stick and fly us out of any predicament, and he could man the turret and provide cover for her.

In fact, about when they started to go out, I had wanted to find a copy of Prof Kardashian-Timberlake's original paper and see if I could find a flaw in the proof. Like maybe it assumed nonmutants, or something.

Of course, ultimately, the paper was right. Something did fuck it up.

Me.