My Ship trilogy

by deb-h

Amy says: "A cruel twist in fate begins this epic tale-in-progress chronicling the end of my innocence." Most recently posted is the nineteenth part, in which there are quite a lot of confrontations. The title "My Ship" now refers to parts 1-6, and "Down for the Count" to parts 7-19. M for strong language and some sexual content.

9. Down for the Count part 3: Contact

Down for the Count, third part: Contact

by Deb H

---

Sunday 05 August 3004

"Ow! Hey! Watch it, you hormonal bastard! You can't – owww! God dammit! Oh, you'll be hearing from my lawyer real soon! Just – ow! – just wait! I'll see that you don't work in this –"

With a heavy whump, I landed on the pavement. The rough shove they gave Amy wasn't enough to knock her over, but it still left her out of range of the door, which whammed shut behind us.

"Great," I snapped as I got up. "I'll never be able to come here again, and this dress is ruined." I raised my spool heel and kicked it into the door. Neither came away with any appreciable damage.

"Come on, Leela," she said, reaching up and putting her hands on my shoulders. "Let's go."

"Yeah," I said. "Those vuvuzelas were fucking pissing me off anyway."

She led me toward the valet stand, and before long we were escaping Mars's atmosphere.

We flew on for a few minutes in silence.

"Mind if I turn on the radio?" I aksed. "Maybe we can listen to the fight."

She shrugged. "Go ahead."

"Your pitiful excuses for auditory canals are listening to The Morbo Program on Fox News Radio. Ann Coulter's head will be joining Morbo in just a few minutes, but first the headlines. Obnoxiously rich human Amy Wong was hilariously ejected from the Cheney's Palace arena in Mars Vegas just minutes ago. An otherwise tedious boxing match between two glass snouted Neptunian females was disrupted by Wong's hideously frightening lesbian companion, who called the referee's competence, eyesight, upbringing, and diversification strategy into question with a series of only partially coherent rants accompanied by splatters of inferior humanoid saliva that BRZAP!"

Upon hearing BRZAP!, I reflexively looked down at the radio, knowing that such a word was unlikely to be spoken by Morbo.

In place of the radio, I saw two halves of the radio's panel and a couple of circuit boards, all surrounding a fist.

The tension in my arm, and the grinding of my teeth, told me that I had punched the radio into oblivion.

I looked up at Amy.

Amy looked up at me.

"I... I'm sorry, Amy," I murmured, looking away again. "I'll get you a new one."

"Don't worry about it," she said.

"No, no," I insisted. "I'll replace it. I'll get you a new one. I will."

"You don't have to."

Gingerly, I plucked out one half of the panel and held it in front of us.

"Actually... yeah, I do," I said.

She started to giggle as she stared at me holding out the shattered remnant of the radio panel.

"What is it now?" I aksed with a sigh.

"No, no. Nothing," she said. "Just... maybe the Professor was right."

I looked at her again, this time with a tentative uncertainty.

She continued, "Maybe your temper is out of control."

I slumped over in my seat and made another whimpering noise.

Just then we came up on the exit for Earth, so we got off the spaceway and descended toward New New York. Amy pulled up to a Manhattan valet stand and got out of the rocket car.

I didn't follow her.

Amy walked around to my side and leaned over the door, where the dome had been a moment ago.

"What's this?" I aksed. "Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise," she said.

I shook my head. "I don't want any more surprises tonight. Can we just go home?"

"Come on, Leela," she responded. "Please?"

"But..."

She continued, "You'll like it. You'll definitely like it. Promise."

I looked around at the people walking down the street.

"I'll tell Jazenny we came here," Amy said.

"Jazenny?" I aksed.

"Yeah. Maybe she can come and meet us."

I exhaled sharply through my nose and said, "Fine."

With a relieved smile, she opened the door and let me out.

We walked toward the sign that read Welcome to TreBeKa – There Are Currently TWO Daily Doubles Hidden in the Neighborhood.

Around the corner, I heard a synthesised sound effect and applause from the bystanders. The TWO changed to ONE before Amy led me into a building's lobby. Two hundred forty floors later, we entered one of the largest bars I've seen.

"What is this?" I aksed again.

"A chocolate bar," Amy told me.

"No, this place," I said, looking around. "What is it?"

"I told you," she repeated. "A chocolate bar."

"Wait. You mean..."

"Yup."

"A bar that serves..."

"Yup."

"So, an actual chocolate... bar."

"Yup."

I stared at the counter. "Is the bar... made of chocolate?"

"Br'uh!" she answered. "Of course not! It would melt all over your elbows."

"Oh."

"It's called Kayleigh's Sweet Ramus," Amy said. "It's the best bar ever."

The main room was more than half of the Planet Express ship's length, and its width was about two lengths of Amy's rocket car. The bar circled the outer wall of the entire main room, stopping only on either side of the front door. The interior contained a number of tables and, toward the back, a couple of booths. Immediately in front of the booths was a spiral stairway that led up.

Behind the bar, where you would normally expect to see varied bottles of alcoholic drinks, you could see varied bottles of alcoholic drinks.

But there was more behind the bar. There were ovens where all manner of desserts were baked, cases where all manner of desserts were kept fresh, freezers where all manner of desserts were kept cold, and machinery where all manner of desserts were produced. This included a couple of taffy pulling machines, a few heated containers of fudge with stirring mechanisms, and even a cotton candy drum in the far corner.

Amy added, "Some people come here just for alcohol. Not me, of course, but some people do."

"'Fudge on tap'?" I aksed, pointing at a neon sign that sat on the wall, above one of the cases of cakes.

She pointed to a row of three taps sitting atop the bar. They looked just like taps for draught beers, but instead of Olde Fortran, Löbrau, or Labatt's Blue Supergiant, the handles read Ferrero Roche Lobe, Ghir-Alt-Delete, and Toblerzero.

"That's... that's insane," I said.

"I always wanted to drink straight from one of those," she told me. "There's this one guy who used to work here. I kept begging him and begging him to let me. He kept saying no every time. Eventually I waited until closing one night. I hung around after everyone else left and just kept talking to him. You know, about, like, everything else in the Universe. Then finally I was like, 'So? Can I?' And he was like, 'What?'

"So I ran over to those, and I jumped up and sat on the bar right next to them, just kind of staring at him, you know, waiting to see what he'd do. So he kind of put his hand over his face, and he said, 'I am so gonna lose my job.' But he didn't stop me."

I was quiet for a moment.

Just as she was about to say something, a waitress walked up and said, "Hi, Amy."

She was wearing a brown vest and tie, and as I looked around, I saw that the other waitresses and bartenders were wearing the same. It totally went with her skin – a lighter, caramelish shade of brown – and her eyes – a deep dark chocolate brown.

I had been here for only a minute, and I was already thinking like a chocoholic.

"Hey Maria," Amy said as she hugged the waitress. "Leela, this is Maria. She works here. She knows, like, everything there is to know about chocolate."

Maria gave a little titter and said, "You flatter me." Extending her hand to me, she said, "Amy has mentioned you to me, Leela. It is a pleasure to finally meet you."

I shook Maria's hand and murmured, "Nice to meet you."

"The ladies' room, Amy?" Maria aksed.

"Yeah."

"Good, good. Come."

Maria led us through the tables and up the spiral stairs.

Along the way, Amy said to me, "I know how you feel about crowded bars. I thought you might like a private room better."

The upstairs of Kayleigh's was much more relaxed. A balcony was in front of us as we reached the top of the stairs, separated from us by windows that extended from floor to ceiling. I saw a few Rigelians and a human or two standing out there.

We walked down a hallway lined with signed photographs. The most prominent ones were signed Mmmmm! – Johnny Depp's Head and Thanks for all the scrumdidilyumptious treats! – Gene Wilder's Head.

For a brief moment, I saw Amy's picture up there in the corner.

Maria slid open a door and said, "Here we are."

This room reminded me of a luxury box at Madison Cube Garden, except that instead of an open side that faced toward the field, the far side was a giant window that afforded an incredible view of the city. A door opened out to the balcony, which was around the corner from the balcony that we saw when we climbed the stairs.

There were three gigantic television sets on one wall, though they were all off. Two couches, each long enough to seat about six people, faced that wall. The couch in front was reached by descending a set of steps to a recessed area in front of it, so that you could sit on the one in the back and still see over anyone who was sitting on the one in front.

Well, maybe not if it was Jazenny, I thought.

Behind the couch in back, a bar was placed along the wall with four stools in front of it. The other corner contained a closet and a tiny bathroom.

Why the fuck did I just think about her? I thought.

"Welcome to the ladies' room," Maria said. "And no, I do not know why they call it that."

"What?" I aksed.

I had been staring in awe at the accommodations, and I'd almost forgotten that Maria was still here.

Amy said, "Let's get some drinks. Maria, I'll have a white Ursae Majoris in a chocup."

"Ooh, sounds wonderful," Maria responded. "For you, Leela?"

I stood still and moved my shoulders up a little bit.

"Oh," Maria said. She stepped down to the recessed part of the floor in front of the couches and retrieved a menu from one of the two tables that were down there.

"Here you are," she said as she climbed the steps again and handed the menu to me. "Drinks up through here. Traditional drinks pages four through thirteen, chocolate drinks pages fourteen through twenty three. Desserts pages twenty four through sixty one." She flipped to the sections as she named them. Then she added, "And on special tonight, the chocolate milkshake. I know. It sounds... not special. But it is special."

Maria launched into a description of the chocolate milkshake, listing the four varieties of chocolate that went into it and pointing out that it could be made to order with different amounts of each variety, or with other varieties, or with different thicknesses, or with bits of different chocolates mixed into it.

As she was talking, I heard Amy's wrist chime. A holographic window opened above it. Amy looked at it for a moment, and then started to poke at a keyboard hovering in front of her face.

Meanwhile, listening to Maria's description, I nodded, though my eye felt like it was glazing over.

"So, what may I get you, Leela?"

Silence.

"Or shall I give you a moment?"

"Um... yeah. That'd be... that'd be good."

"Certainly," Maria answered. "Amy, I'll be back in a minute with your white Ursae Majoris."

I reclined on the back couch and flipped through the menu with a look of increasing bewilderment.

"Know what you want yet?" Amy aksed.

"You've gotta be kidding me," I said. "I mean, look at all this! Ten different types of cakes. That's already a lot. But no, you can get each one with any of the forty different varieties of chocolate listed on... where are they... here, pages 24 and 25. So really, four hundred cakes! Four hundred different cakes, this page alone! How do you... how does anyone ever make up their mind? Have you had, like, even half of all these?"

"No," she said. "I've had, I don't know, three or four of the cakes. I like the sundaes. I get one of those every once in a while. But that's about it. Except for cocktails, and I usually don't have chocolate cocktails."

I shook my head. "This makes the Cheesecake Sweatshop look like a hot dog stand."

"Just aks Maria to recommend something," Amy said. "She knows chocolate. You tell her what you like, and she'll figure out, like, the perfect thing for you. She's got, like, a sixth sense for people's taste buds, or whatever. She says she's been like that ever since she was a kid in Peru. Or Chile. South America somewhere, she's from."

I was still poring over the menu when Maria arrived with Amy's drink. She set it down on the table that the menu originally came from, and then she turned to me and aksed, "So, how are we doing? Have you found something you like?"

I was again speechless.

"Still need a few minutes more?"

I gave a distracted nod, still fixated on the menu.

"Okay. I'll come back."

Once she disappeared again, I turned to Amy.

"Amy," I said, my voice low, "there aren't any prices."

"So?" she aksed.

"Only, like, ass expensive places don't have prices on the menus."

Amy replied, "Restaurants never have prices on the menus."

"Of course they do," I said. "They always have the prices. Unless they're ass expensive."

"I've never seen prices on menus."

"You only go to ass expensive places."

"Oh. Yeah."

I said, "It doesn't matter. I'll pay it, whatever it is."

"Don't be silly, Leela," she said, shocked. "I've got it."

"You paid for everything else tonight," I protested.

"And I'm paying for this too."

"No, you're not. I don't care if I have to work weekends, and holidays, and Robot Party Week, and days that haven't been invented yet. I'll pay it back."

"But... you already have," she said to me.

I sat up and looked at her. My brow was furrowing.

"Leela," she said, "you've done so much for me. You taught me how to fly the ship."

"You already knew how."

"I thought I did. You knew all those extra tricks. And you've been the best friend I could aks for."

"I'm a total bitch."

"You're not. Maybe sometimes you're kinda bitchy, but so am I sometimes. Everyone is. And besides, if you didn't have that bitchiness, you wouldn't be able to do what you're really good at."

"What's that? Pushing everyone I know away from me? Crushing Fry's hopes? Smashing into a billboard on a weekly basis?"

Amy sat down on the couch next to me and took my hands. "Leela, you know exactly what I'm talking about," she said. "You've saved our lives so many times. Just about every major species would have killed us at least once by now. I... I could –"

I interrupted, "It's not just me though. Fry's such a good shooter. You're always keeping the ship in top condition. I couldn't do all that wi–"

I stopped when Amy held up her hand.

She went on, "I was trying to say, I could take you out like this every night for your entire life, and we still wouldn't be even. You do so much for us. Let me do something for you."

She took back my other hand. I simply stared at our hands, not responding.

Finally she said, "Tell you what."

I looked up again.

"I'll solve both your problems. I'll pick out something for you. If you like it, you have to let me pay."

"Wait," I said. "If I like it? Shouldn't I let you pay if I don't like it? Wouldn't that be the fair thing?"

"Okay," she answered. "You can let me pay if you don't like it too. Either way I'm paying."

After another stare, I eventually leaned back, sighed, and said, "Okay. Fine."

"Yay!" she said. She got up and hit the button by the door, and before long the door slid open to reveal Maria.

"So are you ready to order, Leela?" she aksed me.

Before I could answer, Amy said, "She's gonna have the browniemisù. White chocolate base, golden chocolate ice cream, Rigelian chocolate and strawberry sauce, and flecks of Marianas green chocolate. And – you like martinis, right? – a Rigelian chocolate vodka martini. Wait. Is that gonna be too much Rigelian? Tell you what, make it a Rigelian chocolate and cinnamon vodka martini. That should give it a little edge. How's that?"

I gave her another blank stare.

Maria was also slow to react.

But after a moment, Maria looked over to me and said, "You have no idea what you are in for, no?"

I didn't answer. I looked at Maria, then Amy, and then Maria again.

Maria's golden blonde highlights flopped back and forth as she shook her head. "Have you ever fallen in love with a piece of food?" she aksed me. "You will with that. I am certain of it."

She was about to leave when she suddenly spun around, clutching her notepad below her neck, and squeaked, "You are so lucky, Leela! Your vodka martini, coming right up. Your browniemisù, a bit longer. But worth the wait. Definitely. I guarantee it!"

As she backed out the door, Amy looked over to me.

"So I didn't finish my story," she said to me.

"Story?"

"About the fudge on tap?" she prodded.

I nodded slightly. This was about the only thing from the last few minutes that I really understood.

"So Ben and I were alone downstairs. I totally wanted to drink the fudge straight from the tap. So I aksed, 'Can I?', and he was like, 'What?' So I hopped up on the bar, next to the taps, and he just kinda stayed on the other side of the room, going, 'I am so going to lose my job.'

"And he didn't stop me. So I grabbed on to one of the handles, and I put my mouth under the tap. I mean, I was staring right at him. And he was kinda looking away. He didn't even know what would happen. If he knew, he would have stopped me. But he didn't."

Amy paused.

I aksed, "So what did happen?"

"I burned my fucking mouth!"

"What?" I aksed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "That shit is fucking hot! I mean, there's a reason it's called hot fudge! That was, like, one of the stupidest things I've ever done! I had to find the sink and drink from the cold water, and Ben got me some ice. Kinda killed my chances with him."

"So, wait," I said. "What did it do to your mouth? Did you have burns or something?"

"I think so," she answered. "I went and got them fixed up, so it wasn't a big deal. Still hurt like a motherfucker."

"Didn't he stop you or anything?"

She said, "He didn't know how hot it was. After, he was like, 'I'm sorry, Amy! I didn't know!' And then later they, like, put warning labels on all the taps."

"Wow," I said. "So I guess that means I'm not the only one who does dumb things around guys."

She gazed down at me for a moment. Then she walked over to the other door, the glass one to the balcony.

"Come on," she said as she turned toward me again.

I put down the menu on the couch next to me and got up, slowly. She stepped aside and let me through the door.

"Careful," she said as she followed me onto the balcony. "It gets kinda windy up here."

"How high up are we?"

"Almost a thousand metres."

"Fuck."

The view from up here was incredible, even though there were still about thirty floors above us.

They say New New York is the city that never sleeps. What they don't add is that it never even takes a nap. It's on coffee, Slurm, and speed all the fucking time. Possibly a little bit of ecstasy as well. And if that sounds like a dangerous mix, well, it's a dangerous city. And that's not even including the constant alien invasions and persistent threat of the Professor setting off one or more of his doomsday devices, accidentally or otherwise.

New New York is the hub of a massive spacefaring society that has saturated the Milky Way and has major presences in hundreds of other galaxies. But you'd never know it from living in the city, because you can't see the goddamn stars. The lights make it impossible. Shit, even the clouds glow yellow-orange with reflected city light. When it's overcast, the city is, oddly enough, brighter than on a clear night.

And the sources of all that light are the buildings. You might think that everyone in New New York works late with all the lights in buildings that are on. That might have been true a long time ago, when most of the skyscrapers were office buildings. Like in Fry's time.

But today, so many of the largest buildings are residential blocks. These are expensive apartments, condominiums, lofts, and penthouses. A lot of them have contours and angles that would have been impossible to a Stupid Age architect who only designed rectangular office skyscrapers. Those flowing curves and stunning shapes are all just a scheme to get as many desirable balconies as they possibly can.

The truth was, New New York was full of rich bitches like Amy who wanted those expensive views. It didn't matter if they were afraid of heights and had to battle vertigo every minute they sat in their living rooms.

Those kilometre high apartments were status symbols, nothing more.

As I was thinking about all those pricy buildings in front of us, I heard a chime. I turned around to see Maria place a martini glass on the table, next to Amy's drink.

Amy slipped back into the ladies' room, and Maria talked to her briefly. Amy said something back, and Maria nodded. Then she said something else, leaned in toward Amy, and whispered something else.

She left with a grin that I could only describe as Fry-esque.

I turned away and leaned on the rail. The shifting wind suddenly blew my ponytail over my shoulder.

The golden-blue trails of spaceships went soaring above us. Tube lines and lanes of hovercars crisscrossed the spaces between the buildings.

Behind me, I heard Amy say, "Maria says your browniemisù will be ready in a few minutes. Then she said, like, 'Please forgive me if I eat it before I can get it up here.'"

Amy held out my vodka martini, but I didn't move.

She nudged my shoulder.

"Leela?" she aksed.

I turned toward her.

"What's the matter?" she aksed.

The martini glass reflected a ship lifting off over the river.

"Zombie Jesus, you are a first class bitch, you know that?" I snapped.

She shook her head and stammered, "I..."

"What are you trying to do?"

"I..."

"What? What is this all about? You trying to show me up? Trying to remind me that you're the rich asshole heiress who can have anything she wants if she just bats her little doe eyes at her father and gives him that 'Pretty fucking pwease' act? And I'm the untouchable mutant orphan who lives in the owl infested slums that are just like the sewers to you? I mean, this is nothing to you! This is just like when your father donates a couple hundred million for another building at Mars University, or another Omicronian larvae's hospital, or some shit like that! Right? Just another charitable donation? Just your good deed for the year? Or a tax writeoff, or whatever bullshit you use to get to sleep at night?"

"Leela..."

"You know what?" I said, yanking my martini glass out of Amy's hand and throwing it over the edge. "I don't want your pity. I don't want your pity, or your handouts, or your alms to the poor, or whatever the fuck you think you're doing. All right? I don't want it! I don't... want it! You can go fuck yourself, Amy! You and your rich cunt friends with those fucking silver spoons up your asses can go fuck yourselves, all right? You can all reach up your asses and get those silver spoons and fuck yourselves all night long with those silver spoons until your hands stink like your own genetically engineered flavoured cum and perfumed shit!"

"But..."

"Fuck you, Amy!" I screamed, shoving her toward the glass and storming out.

As I stamped through the ladies' room and into the hallway, I wondered if I was overreacting.

Amy was just trying to do something nice for me. She wanted to give me a taste of how she lives.

But that's the point. She gets to live like this all the fucking time. And I don't.

What's so special about Amy? Why does she get to have all of this, all the extravagant drinks and foods, all the servants waiting on her, any time she wants? Why am I stuck in my empty apartment making my dinners from the cheapest off brand ingredients I can find? How the fuck is that fair?

I took a couple of heavy steps down the spiral stairs, but then I smacked right into something. It made a shrieking sound.

My momentum carried me forward, and suddenly I was tumbling down the steps.

It seemed like something else was tangled up with me. Something black and stringy, but with white and brown splotches, was right in front of my face. My arm had wrapped itself around something loose and leathery.

When the rest of the building stopped whirling around me, I landed on my back, and the back of my head whanged against the floor.

"Owwww," I said as I held my head in one hand. The other hand wasn't coming free.

"Shit, are you okay?" I heard from above me.

Then some footsteps came down the stairs. They were hurried, almost frantic.

"¡Dios mío!" a voice shouted. "Are you two all right?"

My surroundings gradually came into focus.

There was a strange face hanging over me.

A gorgeous face.

"Ja... Jazenny?" I aksed.

"Hey," she said, breaking into a wide grin. "I was... well, I was kinda hoping I would run into you again."

She paused.

"Be careful what you wish for, huh?" she added with a nervous laugh.

Then Maria's face appeared next to Jazenny's.

"How are you? Are you all right?"

"I think so," I said.

"Hang on a sec," Jazenny said. She was kneeling over me now, one leg to either side of my shoulders. She held an arm in front of my face and pressed something on her wrist.

"What are you doing?" I aksed her.

"Just hold still," she responded. "I've got an app for this."

Her wrist made some noises, and then she drew in a breath and said, "Oh my god."

"What?" I aksed. "What is it?"

"It says here..."

"What? Tell me!"

"It says here... you're totally fucking hot!"

"What?" I aksed again. "No I'm not. Actually, I feel cold. I feel cold all over. I don't feel hot at all."

Jazenny laughed, "And you're blonde too."

"I'm purple," I replied.

"Then you're the blondest purplehead I've ever met. Anyway, looks like you're fine. No concussion or broken bones or anything."

She leaned forward some.

All I could see above me was... well, it took me a moment to figure out what it was I was looking at.

I said, "Is that a glow in the dark thong?"

"Oh god!" she said. She leaned back again and straightened her black leather skirt with two of her hands.

"¡Dios mío!" Maria said again. She placed her hands on her forehead and slid them upward, her chin length hair slipping in between her fingers. "¡Lo siento! ¡Lo siento mucho! I am so sorry!"

"It's okay," Jazenny answered. She stood up carefully and added, "We're both fine. No problem."

Jazenny reached down toward me. I took two of her hands, and once they had lifted me up part way, her other hands wedged under my shoulders and raised me to my feet.

"You okay?" she aksed me.

"Yeah. Fine."

"Good."

She still had her arms on my shoulders. We were standing just centimetres apart.

I said, "You look like..."

"What?"

"Like a supermodel."

"Really? You think so?" she replied.

I nodded.

She did. When I saw her in her dressing room, her face was completely natural. I had been struck then by her beauty.

Now, with faint eyeliner, blood red lipstick, and just the slightest touch of blush, she was absolutely breathtaking.

"Wow," Jazenny finally said. "Thanks."

"A supermodel with some strange gel in her hair."

"What's in my...?"

Jazenny reached up with one hand. When she brought it down again, there was this sort of white cream on her fingers.

She tasted it, experimentally.

"Mascarpone," she said. "It's like the stuff in a tiramisù."

"I am sorry," Maria repeated. "I was bringing your browniemisù to you, Leela. Then we collided, and..."

She held out her hands, indicating our clothes.

I looked down.

There were brown and white smudges everywhere. My dress, Jazenny's leather jacket, Maria's vest.

Jazenny reached out and wiped some of the stuff off my dress with her finger.

Then she held her finger in front of my face. "Want a taste?"

I nodded.

She slid her finger into my mouth.

It tasted fantastic. The cream was so light and sweet. The harder part had a warm feel and a chocolate taste.

"Mmmmm," I moaned.

Jazenny put her finger into her own mouth and added, "I agree."

Maria cleared her throat.

Jazenny and I turned to her. Reflexively, I took a step back.

"If you'll both follow me, please," Maria said. "I have to take care of our clothing."

She led us up the steps and back into the ladies' room.

"Amy?" Maria aksed. "Are you still here?"

I said, "We, um, we had a little argument."

Jazenny turned to me, looking surprised and perplexed.

"I see," Maria responded. "Do you think she left, or...?"

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe."

"Okay, I will try to find out. In the meantime..." Maria opened the closet and retrieved two thin robes hanging from coat hangers. She handed them to us and went on, "If you two would like to change, I will have your clothing cleaned."

"Oh," I said. "How much is that...?"

Maria shook her head vigorously and held out her hands. "No, no. Not at all. It is my fault. I will make it right. I will have it all cleaned. I will bring it all back to you as it was when you first purchased it."

"Oh," I said again.

Jazenny slipped off the black jacket. She had a white blouse on underneath that, but it had taken some damage as well, so she removed that too. Maria took both of them and folded them atop her own vest, which she had already taken off.

I said, "I... you want me to take this dress off?"

"You can keep it like that, I suppose," Maria said. "But I suggest that it should be cleaned as soon as possible. There is a dry cleaning firm in this building. They are open twenty four hours. They are fast. They are very good. I will make sure that they leave it in perfect condition."

I acquiesced and got out of the dress. Jazenny picked up the robe that I'd put down and slipped it over my shoulders. And once I had my shoes off, I stepped out and left the dress draped over them. Maria bent down and picked up the dress, laying it atop all the other clothes.

"I will bring this back in about an hour," Maria told us. "In the meantime, I will bring you a new browniemisù. In one piece this time. And Leela, I will get you another Rigelian chocolate and cinnamon vodka martini. And for you, Jazenny?"

"Um... a Robot Roy, I guess."

"Straight up or on the rocks?"

"Straight."

"Right away. And I will get your clothes started. And if I can get you anything else, anything at all, please do not hesitate to call." Maria pointed to the button next to the door as she left.

"She seems nice," Jazenny said.

I wrapped the robe around me and sat down on the back couch, my head in my hands.

"Hey," Jazenny said as she sat down next to me. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just... we're stuck here for an hour."

"So? That's okay. We can get to know each other."

I looked up at her.

Finally, I said, "Yeah. Yeah, that would be good."

"Good."

"Yeah."

Then I said, "Aren't you gonna... you know... put on your robe?"

She was sitting next to me, wearing only her skirt (and, I assumed, the thong underneath that), a pair of black gladiator sandals, and a black lace bra.

She said, "Look at it."

"What?"

"The robe," Jazenny said. "Look at it."

"What about it?"

"Think it'll fit me?"

"Why not?" I aksed. "This one fits me. Except the sleeves are too tight. But just about every type of women's clothing is like that with me. That's why I always wear a tank top. It's either that or, like, men's shirts. And I'm not going to go around wearing a men's shirt everywhere. They look stupid on girls. And everyone will think I spent the night with a guy."

Jazenny laughed. "I know what you mean," she said. "I mean, nobody will think I spent the night with a guy. But still, the arm thing, yeah." She waved her lower two arms.

I looked over at the robe again.

"Oh, right," I said. "That's why it won't fit you."

"Yep."

"Don't they make clothes for Neptunians?"

"Yeah, of course they do," she said. "But they still don't make the sleeves wide enough. That jacket I was wearing? That's a guy's jacket. I had to have it shortened, because I didn't want one that went all the way down to my waist."

"Oh," I said. "Maybe I should try that."

"I'll get you one," she said. "A two armed one."

Then Maria, wearing a new vest, entered with our drinks. She set them down on the table next to the couch, and then she told us, "So your clothes are being cleaned now. That will take about an hour. And your browniemisù will be just a few minutes. And Miss Wong has left, but she would like you to have anything you choose, with her compliments. So is there anything I can get either of you? A dessert for you, perhaps, Jazenny?"

"Actually," Jazenny said, "what's a browniemisù? Is it, like, a tiramisù with brownie instead of the savoiardi?"

"Yes, that's right. And there is ice cream in it."

Jazenny stopped and stared at Maria. She seemed dumbfounded.

Still with a fixed stare, she said, "That... sounds... awesome. Can I share yours, Leela?"

I said, "What? Yeah, of course."

"Or I could make it a double helping," Maria suggested.

"Yes!" Jazenny shouted, lighting up in excitement. "Let's do that!"

"Certainly. It will be ready in just a few more minutes."

Once Maria was gone, Jazenny turned to me and said, "Anyway, I was gonna aks you something."

"Yeah?"

She paused for a moment, and then she aksed, "You got thrown out?"

"Oh, that," I said. "It... I was just, you know, mad at the referee. You were completely getting screwed there. Ref was letting her get away with fucking everything. She kept dropping below your waist."

"They all do that," Jazenny answered.

"But they can't. They're totally not allowed to. Queen Latifah's rules."

"Leela, everybody does. They all do that against me. The referees don't call it because all the other boxers are so short. They duck down just a little bit, they're already below my waist. It doesn't matter."

I said, "Yes, it does. It totally matters. You're an outfighter. You're trying to wear them down. If they can duck underneath all your punches, that's an unfair advantage. It's totally unfair."

"Who cares? I can still reach them. That's the good thing about being a Neptunian. The lower arms. They have to duck further down. And if they duck way down, usually the referee will call it. Besides, it doesn't matter. I won anyway."

"You did?"

"Yeah. Unanimous decision. You were there."

"No, we'd been thrown out by then."

"Oh. So you were thrown out during the bout?"

"Yes," I sighed, rolling my eye.

"You must have really been mad at that ref."

"Well, it wasn't being fair to you."

"It's fine. I like that you're looking out for me." She reached over and gave me a hug.

I hugged her back, and then I said, "So you didn't notice us getting kicked out? I mean, we were right there. We had ringside seats."

"No. I didn't see you or anything. I was... well, I was kind of dis... distracted."

"You were? Why?"

She shook her head and gave a little giggle. "I was boxing in Cheney's Palace. Cheney's Palace, Leela! Just think of all the famous fights they've had there! Robinson-Nelson! Baker-Tennant! Sagal-Tom! And... and the one with the clones of Ali and Joe Louis! You've seen the footage of that one, right?"

"No," I said.

"Really? You've never seen that? Come over to my place. I've got it on UV-Ray disc. You have to see it. There's even an interview with the guy who made the clones. It's this, like, really insane old guy who extracted their DNA, resink... resequenced it, and then mutated them into, like, atomic supermen or something."

"Oh lord."

"Sorry," she said. "I'm really into boxing history. Anyway, yeah, coming up to the fight, I was giddy the whole time. The whole goddamn time. From the second I heard I/O Buffer announce me. Did you hear that? Did you? It was like, 'The Mon-soooooon from Little Nep-toooone, Ja-zen-naaaaae Han-na-minnnnnnn-naaaaaaa!' I coulda tunnelled through a quantum barrier, I was so excited!

"So yeah," she added, "after the bell rang, I was just, you know, totally focussed. After that, it was just like any other fight. I just stuck to my plan and went at it. Carola didn't stand a chance.

"I did kinda look around the crowd after it was over, you know, just kinda soaking it all in. I looked for you then, but I guess you were already gone. So I went back to my dressing room and waited around for you guys. Finally I texted Amy. She said, 'Sorry, got kicked out. Went to Kayleigh's in New New York.' And I was like, 'Kicked out', question mark, question mark, question mark. 'WTF?' So I came straight here. And, well, the next thing I knew, I was wearing your dessert."

With a laugh, I said, "Well, normally I don't wear them. I eat them."

"I wouldn't mind eating your dessert. That sounds good to me."

"Good."

I adjusted my robe a little.

Just then I realised that my bra had shifted. The underwire was poking one breast, and the other felt like it was hanging lower.

I said, "Excuse me a minute," and hurried into the bathroom.

I took off the robe and looked into the mirror.

Well, my breasts hadn't slipped out of the bra, but they were getting close.

With a heavy sigh, I tried to rearrange the bra. It had shifted so that the right side was higher than the left. I tried tugging the left side higher, but then the whole thing was riding up, and that could make the whole thing fall off.

So I undid the clasp in the back and tried to start again.

"Hey, Leela?" Jazenny said through the door.

"Yeah?"

"You... um... you all right in there?"

"I'm fine."

"Um... okay."

"Just one more second," I added.

I manipulated the bra a little more, but with no additional success.

I finally decided to leave it as it was, and I opened the door.

Jazenny, walking back toward the couch, turned around and stared at me.

"Wow," she said.

I looked down at myself.

I hadn't put the robe back on.

"Shit!" I said. I bent down and gathered it up, draping it over my body. I tried to jam my arms into the sleeves as I stepped around her and back to the couch.

"Hey... Leela?"

"What?" I aksed.

I looked up at her, and she was looking away from me.

I must have sounded like I was mad at her.

"Sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to... you know... stare like that."

I finally got my arms through the sleeves.

"No, I'm sorry," I said. "It's just, you know, it's been a long night for me. I wanted to go home, but until our clothes are done, I guess we have to wait."

"You want to go home?"

"Well, I did. But, well, being stuck here with you is..."

She smiled and nodded.

"And who knows," I added. "Maybe you can learn something from me."

"Really? Like what?"

"Well, can I be honest with you?" I aksed her.

"Sure. Of course."

"All right. Well, I've noticed something about you. About your style."

"My style?" she aksed.

"Yeah. Your fighting style. Your stance, actually. Here, I'll show you."

I got up and stood by the door, facing her.

"Okay, show me your stance," I said.

She got into her boxer's crouch, left foot forward, left fists leading the right fists.

"Okay, see? You're open."

"I'm what?"

"Look." I put my hands on her upper fists and said, "See the spacing between these two fists? They're too far apart. You're leaving yourself open." I stepped back and moved my fist toward her chest, like a slow motion punch. "See? I can attack you easily right down the middle. You've got to control the centre line. It's all about the centre line. Whoever controls that controls the fight."

I took her fists again and drew them closer together.

She aksed me, "What about my lower fists? Should they be the same distance apart?"

"You know, I don't know," I said. "I only learned how to fight with the one pair."

"Wait," she said. "You learned how to box?"

"Well, Arcturan kung fu. But it's the same principles. I watch boxers that don't control the centre line. They always lose. So it still applies. And actually..." I moved my fist toward her stomach and said, "Yeah, if you don't bring your lower fists together, you're going to leave your stomach exposed. So, yeah, bring your lower fists together."

She moved them closer.

"See, you don't have anything out there you need to protect," I continued, waving my hands out where her fists used to be. "Just your shoulders. Everything you need to protect – your stomach, your eyes, your jaw, your throat – that's all down the centre. And by attacking from the centre, you can get more force behind the punch."

"Like a cross," she said.

"Exactly."

We began to spar as I showed her some Arcturan techniques, like counterattacking while you parry your opponent's attack. We were barehanded, and so we had to be gentle with one another.

But she was a quick learner. She already knew the importance of forcing your opponent off balance, and so at one point she forced me to back up.

Then, she suddenly grabbed me and yanked me into the wall.

Her lower arms were around my waist, and her upper hands gripped my upper arms.

"What was that for?" I aksed.

"We nearly lost another one," Jazenny said, nodding toward the door.

I turned and saw Maria there, holding a plate with two slices of browniemisù.

We stared at her.

"Your... your double browniemisù," she said.

She put it on the table and aksed, "Anything else I can get you?"

I looked at Jazenny and said, "I... I think we're okay."

Maria nodded and hurried out the door.

We started to laugh.

"So I almost ran into her again?" I aksed.

"Yeah," Jazenny answered. "Did you see her? She looked like a space deer in the headlights!"

"Hope she doesn't lose her job because of all this. Waiters and waitresses, they can lose their jobs for that. You know, spilling stuff all over customers' clothes."

"Only if the customers complain. And I'm not gonna say anything. You?"

"No, of course not."

"Good."

Jazenny still had me pinned against the wall.

Then she said, a little hesitantly, "You know, I was about to say. I... I could use a trainer."

"You want me to... to train you?"

"Yeah. Could you? I mean, you're probably busy and stuff, but if you have a little bit of time here and there, I'd really appreciate it."

"Sure."

"Great. Maybe we can get together next weekend. I mean, I have a fight next Friday in Ireland, but then after that, we could meet up."

"Yeah. Yeah, that would be good."

"Great," Jazenny said as she released me. She sat on the couch and picked up the plate. "Come on. Amy says you're a spaceship pilot. Tell me all about it."

I sat next to her.

Half an hour later, we hadn't even finished one of the browniemisù slices, she was so engrossed in my stories.

"So here we are, fifty Derosarian ships behind us," I said. "Ahead of us, two parsecs of mine field. And beyond that, another fifty Derosarian ships. We're cornered. I stop there, and then they radio us. They're like, 'Just hand over the robot and we'll let you go.'"

"So what did you do?"

"Well, I didn't have a choice, did I?"

"You handed him over?"

"Of course not. I pitched over, said, 'The hell I will,' and floored it."

"You did what?" Jazenny gasped.

"Jaze, I'm a captain. Selling out one of my crew? Not an option. Never an option. No, I just took off, parallel to the edge of the mine field. And I'd pitched upward, so that the turret – we have a gun turret on the top of our craft – it was facing toward them. Fry was still there, so I had him engage as soon as I took off. He might have gotten one or two of them. It didn't really matter."

"So you were just flying along the edge of the mine field?"

"Yeah. I mean, we could have outrun them eventually, but we'd be within their range for way too long. We were sitting ducks there. Except for one thing. See, if you want to beat me – if you really want to go up against me and succeed – there is one thing you can't do, and that's give me an out."

"You had an out?"

"Yeah. Sure. The mine field had these channels running through. Like... like boring holes in the wall. They were each a few thousand kilometres wide. Plenty wide enough for us to dive through. But also wide enough for most of their ships to follow us."

"So they followed you into the channel?"

"Yeah. And the ships on the other side, they saw what we were doing. So they broke for the same channel, and they all flew in at the other end."

"But... but that was your escape route."

I shook my head. "Like I said. Never give me an out. I stopped about halfway through the channel, so that we were right between the two formations. About a billion kilometres away from each, but closing fast. Then I pitched over and hit the throttle again."

"Wait. You flew back into the guys who were chasing you?"

"No."

"Then... what? Into the mine field?"

I nodded.

"You're insane. You're fucking insane."

"I've heard that," I said. "Usually from Bender."

"So... so you flew through the mine field."

"Yeah. We only hit a few of them. It wasn't that bad. They were laid out in a pattern. A perfectly repeating pattern. Once I got the hang of it, it was easy. We flew to the next channel and then got the hell out of there."

"Did they, like, follow you or anything?"

"A couple of the ships tried to follow us into the mine field. They didn't make it. All the others went back out of the channel and tried to follow along the edge. But we were way ahead by the time we got to the next channel. So I turned in, followed the channel out of the field, and we were home free."

"Whoa," she said, shaking her head. "And all that for one robot?"

"And it turned out it wasn't even Bender!" I added. "We got home, and Hermes said that the Derosarians had issued a warrant for the arrest of Hedonismbot."

"Who's that?"

"That's the robot we were transporting."

"Oh. What did he do?"

"I don't know. Something involving the prime minister's son, a tiki bird collection, and rectally mounted fireworks. But if I'd known that was the robot they wanted, I woulda been like, 'Sure, here ya go!' And we'd be out of there with no problems."

"So you thought they wanted your robot?"

"Right. And I was like, hell no! I mean, Bender's a sociopathic kleptobot, but he's our sociopathic kleptobot. The number one rule out there is, keep your friends friends. Try to turn your enemies into friends when you can, but don't risk the friends you already have."

"Wow. So does that happen to you guys all the time?"

"Not all the time. But still, way too often."

She reached out and grasped my hands. "Well, I'm glad you made it."

"Me too."

Then I looked up at Jazenny's hair and said, "You still have some... some cream there."

She reached over, extracted a glob of ice cream from the remaining browniemisù, and smeared it into my bangs.

"There," she said. "Now you do too."

I opened my mouth, feigning indignation.

Then I broke off a piece of the top layer, the thin brownie, and slapped it onto her cheek. The chocolate and strawberry sauce made it stick there.

"How dare you!" she giggled.

With one hand, she grabbed some more brownie and scooped up some of the creamy layer underneath. With the other hands, she slipped the robe off my shoulders.

"Then I'm just gonna have to paint you," she said.

She ran the corner of the brownie up my arm. Like a brush, it left behind a trail of cream.

She stopped to dab up some more cream, and then she started anew. This time, she began at my collarbone and started making spirals outward.

As the spiral expanded, she suddenly made a turn downward, into my cleavage.

I gasped, just slightly.

Jazenny looked up at me.

"I guess I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay," I said.

She replied, "No, I mean, you didn't need it."

She leaned in close to me, and, with a finger lined with sauce sliding across my lips, she whispered, "You were already a work of art, Leela."

She pushed me backward until I was lying across the couch.

Then she kissed me.

It set me on fire. My heart was racing. My body was tingling. And my breath was trapped.

She came up for air, but before she reached for me again, I said, "Wait. What about that?"

"What?" she aksed, turning to the windows that I was pointing to.

As she turned her head, the brownie that I'd stuck to her cheek brushed against my nose and fell off, sliding into my eye.

"Aah!" I said as I shut my eye.

"Whoa!" she said. "Sorry!"

I felt the brownie lift off my face, and then something that felt a lot like a napkin went into my hand.

"Here you go," she said.

I wiped most of the sauce out of my eye as Jazenny aksed what I was pointing at.

"The window," I said. "People are gonna see us!"

"It's fine," she answered.

"What are you, some kind of exhibitionist?"

"No, really. It's fine. It's set to one way mirror. Nobody outside can see in."

"Oh."

"And the door is locked," she continued, pointing to the door to the hallway.

"Oh. Good."

"Yeah. We don't want the waitress barging in on us now."

I laughed.

"Or I don't know," Jazenny said. "Maybe we do."

"Jaze!" I said, my face getting hot.

"You're right. You're more than enough woman for me."

She kissed me again. And again. And again.

She started to lick the cream off my arm, but stopped to say, "Leela... Leela... I love you."

I looked down at her.

When she saw me, she stopped and leaned back. Still with cream on her tongue, she aksed, "What? Too soon?"

I pulled her hands off my shoulders – the other hands I left on my breasts – and said, "Jazenny. We... we can't do this."

"What? Why not?"

"I... this isn't... the way I am. I'm not like this."

"Like what?"

"You know. I'm not... I'm not..."

"A dyke?"

I looked away. "I'm sorry."

Her hands fell away from me. She stared at me for a moment, and then she shook her head and said, "I don't understand. A minute ago you were all over me. What's... what did I do?"

"What? No. It's me. It's not you. I mean, I..."

"All I said was 'I love you'. I mean... girls usually like to hear that."

"I know," I said, sitting up again. "And I'm flattered. Really, I am. But... but I don't..."

"You don't what?" she aksed. "Wait. Is it your first time?"

"No. No, that's not it. I mean, I've been with a girl before. It's just... you know... I don't go out with... with girls."

"Oh. Wait, I don't follow. You just said you have gone out with a girl, but then you said you don't. So which is it?"

"I've slept with a girl. But that's all it was. I'm just... I'm not a lesbian, that's all."

She replied, "So... you're not attracted to me."

"That's not what I meant."

"So you are attracted to me?"

"That's not what I meant either."

Jazenny blunk a couple of times. Then she put two of her hands on my shoulders and held the other two hands to the sides of her head.

"Leela," she said, "you're making my brain hurt."

I didn't know what to say to that.

She went on, "Because I'm not sure what to think. I mean, you say you're not gay, but... look, it's not about that. It's not about gay or straight, or girls or guys, or humans or Neptunians, or anything. It's just about... you know... how you feel about someone. How they make you feel."

The two hands that were on my shoulders slipped down my arms, ending up just above my elbows. Then her other hands grasped my shoulders, taking the place of the first two hands.

Then she said, "I mean, I've seen you... you've been looking at me. Ever since you came into my dressing room."

"Looking at you?" I aksed. "Of course I'm looking at you. It's rude to have a conversation with someone without looking."

"No, no. I mean, the way you're looking at me. I know that look. It's the same look I've been giving you all night."

"What?"

"You know." She leaned in and whispered into my ear, "The I want to fuck you raw look."

I stared at her. I think my jaw started to hang loose too.

"Come on," she said. "It was obvious. Which is why I was confused when you said you didn't want to go out."

"No, no, no," I answered. "I didn't say that."

"But... tsh... jja..." She released me and held her arms out in front of her, while making some more spluttering noises. "What the fuck are you saying, then?!"

"I – I don't know," I said helplessly. "I don't know what to do. I mean, I've never felt like this before."

"I know what you mean," Jazenny answered.

"What? You've... you've done this before, right?"

"With a girl? Yeah. But not..." She shook her head and said, "This is different."

"Different?" I aksed her. "Different how?"

"I don't know. It's almost like it's... like it's my first time. You make me feel like it's my first time again, Leela."

"Really?"

"Yeah. All the excitement, and uncertainty, and... and some fear."

"Fear? Of what?"

"Of... of scaring you away."

"What? What does that mean?"

Jazenny lifted herself up on one knee and turned around so that she was kneeling on the couch, straddling me.

Taking my hands in two of hers, she cradled my head in her other two hands.

"Leela... look. I feel like you and I could really have something here. But... well, I barely know you, but I feel like you've... you've gotten used to... being on your own. So, you know, if I do the wrong thing, you'll be like, 'Fuck this shit', and you'll be out the door. And you'll be back to the same old life. Living alone, doing everything on your own.

"But you don't have to," she went on. "You don't have to do anything on your own any more. Not if you have me."

I looked up at her fauxhawk.

Some of the hairs at the front were still stuck together.

That made me begin laughing.

Following my gaze, Jazenny looked up. She let go of one of my hands and reached for her hair.

"I must look pretty silly," she said.

I nodded.

"But you're the one with cream all over her tits."

I nodded.

"Her big, round, beautiful tits."

I reached up and pulled Jazenny close to me.

"You know... you're right," I said.

I kissed her, gently. Then I added, "I have gotten used to being on my own."

Another kiss. "And you know what?" I said as I slipped my hand down toward her breasts, "I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being on my own."

I kissed her once more, and then I guided her head down my neck, past my collarbone.

She got the hint and started to lick off all the cream from my chest.

Then I saw my bra go flying over her shoulders.

I reached over to the plate and dipped my finger into the chocolate and strawberry sauce.

About an hour later, we had finally finished off the last of the browniemisù.

Looking at the empty plate, Jazenny said, "Probably would have gone faster if we'd put it into our mouths."

She had three lines of chocolate-strawberry sauce mixture on either side of her face, extending radially out from her snout. I had painted them on, to make her look like a cat.

It must have seemed extraordinarily clever at the time.

I wiped them off and stuck my thumb into her mouth. She licked it clean.

"Instead of all over our bodies?" I aksed. "What would be the fun in that?"

She stood up, giving me another look at her sculpted eight pack abs.

Then she turned and bent over.

I sat up and put my hands on her perfect ass. Then I kissed her in the small of her back.

"I've been thinking about getting a tattoo there," she said.

"Where?"

"Right there. Right where you just kissed."

"A tramp stamp?" I said. "I hate those things."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I didn't say I was thinking seriously about it."

She stood up again with a pile of clothing in her arms. She sorted through it and tossed some of the items into my arms.

"Here," she said. "Get yourself cleaned up. I'll check our message."

"Message?"

She pointed to the door. There was a flashing red light, right next to the blue light that meant the door was locked.

"Probably the waitress," she said. "Our clothes must be ready by now."

"Oh."

In the bathroom, I gave myself a quick cleanup. Just enough that my dress wouldn't get messy again. Then I put on my bra and underpants.

But there was one item left over.

I left the bathroom and tossed the glow in the dark thong into Jazenny's face, saying, "I think that's yours."

She said, "Oh, there it is."

As I put the robe on, she told me that she was right. The message was from Maria.

"I just pinged her," Jazenny told me. "She's bringing our clothes up."

"Did they get them clean?"

"Yeah, good as new, she said." Jazenny slipped the thong on, and then her leather skirt.

Maria came to the door and said, in a sort of singsong voice, "Knock knock."

"Hey," I said. I took the clothes from her and added, "Thank you."

"You are welcome. Again, I am so very sorry about the mess I made."

"It's okay," I said to her. "My fault too."

"That is nice of you." She picked up the empty plate and said, "Well, I trust you enjoyed the browniemisù?"

I looked at Jazenny.

"We sure did," she said, stifling a giggle. "We suuure did."

Maria flashed a grin, one that seemed to say I know exactly what you're talking about, but I'm going to ignore it in the interest of tact and good manners. Out loud, she said, "Wonderful. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, I think we're leaving...?" Jazenny turned to me.

"Yeah, let's go," I said as I got my dress on.

Jazenny gave Maria some money, saying, "For your troubles."

"Oh, there is no need."

"Please, take it," Jazenny insisted.

Maria nodded, and Jazenny bent down and kissed the petite Maria on the cheek.

"Thank you," Jazenny said. "This was a..." Turning to me again, Jazenny finished, "most memorable evening."

"Thank you for coming," Maria replied.

"Oh, we came, all right."

I smacked Jazenny in the ribs.

As Maria left, I said to Jazenny, "You really are an exhibitionist."

"What? Why?"

I picked up her bra, dangling across the table. "I think this is yours too."

"Oh shit!" she said as she turned bright red. "I totally didn't notice!"

She finished dressing while I found my shoes.

It was just past two in the morning when we left. As Jazenny drove me home, she aksed me what Amy and I had been fighting about.

I said, "Oh, she just, you know, rubs it in my face sometimes."

"What? Rubs what in your face?"

"You know. The fact that she's embarrassingly rich."

"What did she do?"

"Just everything. We went to an expensive restaurant, and then she got us ringside seats at Cheney's Palace, and then Kayleigh's."

"So what's the problem?"

"Just... I don't know. It was like she was saying, 'Look at all the shit I can afford.' You know? Like she was trying to show me what I can never have."

"Why did she do all that anyway?"

"Yeah, that building," I said.

Jazenny landed her rocket car in front of my building.

"She said, like, she was thanking me for what I do. For, like, flying the ship and stuff."

"So she was trying to do a favour for you? And you got mad at her?"

"Well, when you put it that way..."

She reached for my hand and said, "I got a suggestion for you, Leela. I think maybe you should just, you know, let people do nice things for you."

I turned to her.

She went on, "Sometimes good things happen when people do things for you."

She wrapped all her arms around me and kissed me.

"Sure you don't want to come home with me?" she aksed.

"I do," I said. "I do want to. Just not tonight. I... well, this night's been crazy enough. Sorry."

"That's okay. Still want to come to my fight in Ireland?"

"Of course I do."

"Great. I'll see you there."

We kissed again.

I ran my hand through her fauxhawk. "Bye."

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"Can't wait."

"Good night. Sweet dreams."

I got to my front door, but just before I opened it, I turned around.

Jazenny blew me a kiss.

I caught it.

She waved, and then she lifted off into the clouds.

---

Fry was shaking me and calling my name.

"Hm?" I aksed. "What... what's going on?"

"We got some visitors," he said.

"Visitors?"

"Yeah. Wanna see them?"

I glared at Fry.

Well, actually, I was glaring where I thought he was, but it was probably off target. He was probably wondering why I was glaring at the wall.

After a moment, he said, "What?"

I kept glaring.

"No, really, what?" he aksed.

"I can't see anybody, you moron."

"Why not?"

"That's what they're trying to figure out."

Finally, from across the room, I heard Clara shout, "Do you want to hear your visitors, Amy?"

I answered, "Yeah. Send them in."

Things were quiet for a minute or two.

I had fallen asleep sometime while they were working on me, I realised.

Then the door hissed open, and I heard some metallic footsteps and panting approach.

"Hey! You made it! Are you alive still?"

"Hey Bender," I said. "Yeah, I'm alive."

"That's great!" he said as he gave me a hug.

"Come to collect your rescue fee?" I aksed.

"What?" he said. "No, of course not! Can't a guy come to see his buddy's girlfriend in the hospital without it having anything to do with collection of past due payments?"

I said, "Or did you already deduct it from my wallet?"

"Wrong again. I deducted your entire wallet. Know how much this will go for online? The original wallet that was in Amy Wong's pocket while she was being rescued by me, Bender! Collectors are gonna blow their wads when they see this! By wads, of course, I mean wads of money. And by blow, I mean spend recklessly. And by collectors, I mean stupid shutin schmucks who are going to blow their wads when they stroke their fingers along a wallet that's been in your pants. And by wads, of course, I mean ̶–"

Then suddenly I was receiving another hug, this from an owner of more fleshy arms.

"Hey Amy," BW's voice said. "Globular clusters, it's good to see you again."

"Hey BW."

BW said, "So I heard you're... like... visually impaired or something."

"Can't see," I told it.

"Sucks," it responded.

"Yeah," I said. "Kinda. But I guess it could be worse."

"That's true," BW said. "I mean, I didn't... I thought you were gone. I thought it was gonna be up to Fry to lead the mutants."

"Lead the mutants," I said. "Yeah, I've been meaning to aks. How's the war going?"

"War?" BW aksed.

"Yeah."

"What war?"

"You know. The war against the DOOP. Fry said it's been more than two weeks. Have they captured us yet? Have they forced the mutants to march back to the sewers yet? Or is the city, like, under siege or something? Is there one small band of fighters left, in a tiny pocket of the city, or in a building, desperately fighting to –"

"Amy," BW said. "Amy!"

"What?"

Its voice was immediately to the right of the bed now. I could feel its hands taking hold of my hand.

I think they were its hands. Fry's hands didn't have polished nails.

"Amy... there wasn't a war."

"What?" I aksed. "But... the quake bomb..."

"Yeah," BW said. "They dropped the bomb. It caused all kinds of damage all around the planet. I'm telling you, the mutants were so pissed off! I mean, all that hard work they put in! You know how long it took them to build everything they built here?"

"Yeah, I do," I said. "I was right here helping them."

I probably sounded impatient. Well, why not? I felt impatient.

"Oh, right," it replied. "Forgot. Sorry. Anyway, Fry called Bender and me. He wanted to know what they could do to fight back, if there was anything that we could help with. I didn't know of anything, but, well, you know, I still know a bunch of people over at the βBC. So I gave them a ring. Told them there was a planet full of guys who were escaping an oppressive regime, and that they just had everything blown up. Next thing I know, like, half of the βBC News operation is descending on this fucking planet. I mean, you know the βBC. They love this kinda story. They eat this shit up. I am telling you, they landed, took one look around, and had, like, a major newsgasm. I mean, that first night, I saw one of their guys giving a standup just outside Jenningsville, and he was all, 'Earth is known throughout the Universe as a symbol of freedom and hope for all oppressed peoples. But now, Earth's dark secret has been laid bare.' That was, like, serious Pulitzer level shit."

"Um... BW?" I said.

"Yeah? What is it, Amy?"

"What does... what does all that have to do with the war?"

It sighed. "That's the point, spaz girl. All those reports, they caused a major outcry from the rest of the Universe. We're talking candlelight vigils in the streets, recalled ambassadors, demands to sanction Earth. Some planets were even thinking about breaking diplomatic relations with Earth! You believe that?"

"Not really," I said.

"Honest to shit," BW said. "Am I right, Fry? You saw some of the clips from, like, Omicron Persei 8, and the BDSM Sector, and all that. I mean, hell, even the Neutral Planet seemed shocked. Oh sure, they issued, like, a 'strongly worded' statement where they called on all parties to, you know, 'respect one another's dignity' or some shit like that. But they were pissed too. For Neutrals, at least. I mean, y'all had the whole goddamn Universe on your side. And that was even before they heard about you."

"Me?" I aksed.

Then I heard Fry's voice to my left.

"Yeah," he said. "I mean, a lot of people know who you are. And they were totally surprised to hear that you were helping the mutants, you know, escape from Earth and build a society. So then the reporter guys started talking about how you were the only one unaccounted for... and... well..."

He trailed off, but I could feel his hands taking hold of my other hand.

"Yeah," BW added. "Next thing we know, Sally Struthers's head is doing commercials about, like, a humanitarian crisis or whatever. I mean, it wasn't really all that bad. They just had to start building again, that's all. But anyway, there was so much attention, and it was all over the news, and people were just so pissed off at Earth. Finally they just, like, granted independence."

"What?" I aksed. "Really?"

I heard Bender add, "Yeah. They signed a treaty. That one dude with the forehead arm signed it."

"Raoul?"

"Yeah."

"It's the side of his head. Not his forehead."

"Whatever, meatbag," Bender said. "Anyway, there was this big ass ceremony last week. They had to have it outside. It was so cold out. Because, you know, there aren't any buildings left, except for this one, and it doesn't have any rooms big enough. So we had it outside. Raoul signed it. Nixon's head signed it. And I made so much money selling parkas! I mean, I know a guy who can get me parkas on the cheap, no questions aksed. So I loaded up and sold them to all those dignitaries for a 200% profit. Hee hee! Stupid suckers! They don't know that I coulda charged them twice as much!"

We were quiet for a minute or two.

"So... we're independent now?" I said.

"You bet," BW said.

"Yeah," Fry said.

I aksed, "So what now? What do we do?"

Fry answered, "Well, they've already been putting together a government. There's, like, Raoul, and all the supreme mutants from the other cities' sewer systems. So I think they were gonna elect Raoul supreme mutant of this planet."

"I thought he was gonna be president," BW said.

"What's the difference?" Fry aksed.

BW responded, "I think they didn't want to call the chief executive position 'supreme mutant'. I think they wanted to invite everyone to this planet. Mutants. Normals. Robots. Aliens. Everybody. You know? I think they thought that if the ruler was called a 'supreme mutant', it would sound like only mutants could live here."

I thought about that.

Then I said, "That's actually really smart."

Bender said, "But they're still calling it the Planet of the Mutants."

"What? Who is?" I aksed.

"That's just, like, people from other planets," BW said. "People who don't know no better."

"I kinda like it," I said.

There was another pause.

Then BW said, "Hey Bender, we should get out of their way for the night. There's still a bunch of tests y'all want to do, right?"

Again from the other side of the room, Clara shouted, "Yeah! Go away!"

BW shouted back, "All right, we're going! Settle down!"

There was a pause, and then BW added, "Oh, wait. One more thing. Y'all are gonna have your first ambassadors soon."

"Ambassadors?" I aksed.

"Yeah," it replied. "Stardust is gonna open up diplomatic relations. There's gonna be an announcement tomorrow. Or the day after. And then they'll send an ambassador in, like, a couple of weeks or something."

"What's Stardust?" Fry aksed.

"My home planet."

"How did you swing that?" I aksed BW.

"I didn't," it said. "Nothing to do with me. They decided all on their own. Anyway, there's probably gonna be a ceremony or some shit when the ambassador arrives. I'm sure you guys will be invited. I'm sure they'll all be pleased to see you guys there."

"That'll be interesting," I said.

BW answered, "Yeah. The Planet of the Mutants and the Planet of the Sexual Deviants. Perfect match, right?"

"Sexual deviants?" Fry said.

When BW responded to Fry, her voice was a little quieter and a little softer. It must have turned toward him.

"Yeah, Stardust is full of sexual deviants," it said. "I know a bunch of other people who are androgynous like me. There are plenty of people who are hermaphroditic. And there are people with all different combinations of characteristics. Like, um, I know one guy who has, like, a girl's legs, and a few girls with moustaches or beards. So, yeah. They'll fit right in here."

"Yeah," I said.

"Anyway, I guess we should go, right Bender?"

Suddenly something was on my forehead. A little wet, and a little sticky. Then, all of a sudden, it was gone. And with it went kind of a sucking sound, or maybe a squishing sound.

A moment later, I pieced it together. BW was kissing my forehead.

It is really going to be irritating if I'm going to have to do that for every single sensation I'll ever feel from now on.

"We'll come back later, all right?" it aksed.

"Sure," I said.

"And we'll talk about the film rights," Bender added.

"Film rights?"

"Yeah, of course. I've got a couple of possible titles. Love Under Concrete. Broken Hearts, Bent Dreams. But I'm leaning towards Sixteen Days: A Bender B Rodriguez Rescue."

I sighed. "See – hear you guys later."

---

"You know, you do have to tell him."

"I know."

Amy and I had patched things up the morning after Kayleigh's. I admitted that I was out of line and just wasn't used to people doing things for me without wanting something back. She admitted that maybe she had trouble understanding the phrase wretched excess.

By this point, I had been going out with Jazenny for nearly three months. She'd had six fights in that time and had won five of them. They were at venues much smaller than Cheney's Palace, of course, but I had made the trip each time to be there in her corner. I had also met up with her in San Antonio to help her work out at her local gym.

That's the non-euphemistic form of "work out". Of course, we had plenty of euphemistic workouts, too, as I had been telling Amy.

We were sitting in my quarters on the ship, parked in the Planet Express hangar. I had told her everything about my last trip to San Antonio, from Jazenny's technique with the speedbags (which, I explained, are things that boxers use to work on their timing) to Jazenny's technique with the speedbags (which, I explained, was what we called each other's breasts).

I leaned back and sprawled out on my bed. Amy was sitting next to me.

"It's just... well, Oprah knows I aks Fry to put up with a lot of shit from me," I said. "And the only reason he does is because he's in love with me. How is he going to react when he finds out that I'm going out with a girl?"

"An alien girl," she added.

"He won't care about that," I answered. "He'll think that part's cool. No, I'm... I don't know. I'm just trying to be discreet. But it's hard. I mean, yesterday, when we were waiting for Hermes to requisition a new Caps Lock key, he walked in on me talking to her."

I stopped.

She said, "So?"

"So, I had to hang up on her, and Fry wanted –"

"You hung up on her?"

I replied, "Well, I just said, 'I gotta go,' and hung up. But Fry wanted to know who it was, and I just went blank. Finally I said it was the guy at the ham store."

"The ham store?"

I sat up and said, "I said I went blank!"

"Why didn't you just say you were talking to your parents? He's not gonna think that's weird."

I stared at her for a moment, but then I went on, "It's just... well, this is so strange. It's so weird for me."

"Yeah," Amy said. "Going out with a girl is different."

"But that's not what's weird about it," I replied.

"What?"

"With her, it feels... it feels right. It feels normal. Like we've been going out for forever. Like I don't have to worry about whether or not she wants to keep going out with me. You know? Because I know she does. I can just be myself."

"So it's going well?" Amy aksed.

"Perfect," I sighed. "Everything's perfect. She's beautiful. And... and she thinks I'm beautiful too. There's this one thing she does. When we kiss, she'll, like, wrap all her arms around me. She'll grab my ass with two of her hands. Then she'll bring her other two hands up and kind of hold my cheeks in her hands. Only then she'll turn her hands over so that she's brushing her knuckles against my cheeks. And then she'll drag her hands down to my chin, and then down my neck, and then down my chest. And then she'll turn her hands over again so that she's cupping my breasts. And by then I'm, like, completely... um..."

"Like putty in her hands?" Amy suggested.

"Kind of, yeah. I mean, my knees always kind of go wobbly when she does that. One of these days she's going to do that, and my knees will fail completely. I'll just fall over right on top of her."

Amy giggled.

Then I said, "But I'm just afraid of Fry. How he might react to the thought of... you know... the thought of me... with a... with a girl. I mean, what if this pushes him over the edge?"

"What edge?" Amy aksed.

"Well, everyone has an edge. I get pushed over mine all the damn time. Hermes gets pushed over a lot. But I've never seen Fry get pushed over his edge."

"Fry?" she said. "What would he do? He could never hurt a thing."

I didn't say anything for a moment. I just reclined on the bed and rubbed my forehead with my hands.

Amy turned and looked over her shoulder at me. I took my hands away and said, "Those are the ones who are the most dangerous."

Reading her puzzled expression, I sat up and continued, "Look. Have you ever just totally lost it and just ripped into someone? You know, where you say something you don't mean, or you do something stupid, and as soon as it happens, you know how stupid it is? Like when you..."

"When I what?" she aksed.

When you killed me, I was about to say.

Instead, I said, "Nothing."

"Oh. Well, he'll understand," she said.

"You really think so?"

"He always does," she answered. "He's always fine in the end."

I didn't say anything at first – I just nodded, slowly. Then I said, "But it's the beginning and the middle that I'm worried about."

---

When I got up in the morning, my legs were back to normal.

In fact, they were so normal that I made it to the bathroom under my own power.

I insisted that Fry and Clara not help me. They insisted that I still couldn't see, which was technically correct.

In the end I let them direct me to the bathroom. They would tell me when to take a step forward, when to turn to the right, and when to freak out because I was about to crash into a wall.

When I settled back into the bed, Fry said, "Hey, we got today's paper."

"Mmkay," I said.

Then Clara jumped in. "Hey, let's get some breakfast first. I dunno about you, but I could use some. And I got some more of those badass melons."

"Sure," I said. "Can I walk there too?"

"No, I think we'd better help you along," Clara answered.

"Dammit," I said. "I gotta start doing stuff on my own. I mean, who knows how long I'll be blind?"

"We'll figure it out," Clara said. "You'll see."

I said, "I just – wait, did you just say I'll see?"

There was a pause.

Then I heard Clara start to giggle. "Yes! You'll see! Get it?"

"Yeah, I get it."

She took my hands and, the giggles wearing off, added, "But yeah, we are gonna get you your sight back. You will see."

"You'd better get it back," I told her. "Or else I'll wave my hand in your general direction." I pulled my hand out from between hers and waved it at her, like a slap.

"Come on," she said. "Breakfast."

I got out of bed, and we walked back to the lunchroom.

This time they walked alongside me, like they did yesterday, but they didn't support my shoulders. In fact, they didn't touch me at all. I wanted to get there on my own power.

At one point, I heard Clara, on my left, say to me, "Hold on there. You're drifting to the left."

"I am?" I aksed. I turned and said, "How's that?"

"Now you're drifting right."

"Oh."

"Hang on," Fry said, from my right. "You gotta drift back to the right so that you can get to the middle of the hallway."

"Doesn't matter," Clara responded. "She doesn't need to walk down the exact centre."

"Yeah, but it'll be easier if she's in the middle."

"No, she should just keep on like she's going. She'll learn."

"Yeah, but don't you want her to –"

"I'm going!" I told them. "If you wanna come along, fine. But I'm not waiting for you."

I started walking again. A few steps later, I bumped into a wall on my right.

"Huài bì de wèizhì! Motherfucker!" I shouted.

"It's okay," Fry said. He was on my left now.

"What the fuck! I can't even walk in a goddamn straight line any more!"

"Doesn't matter," he answered. He put a hand on my shoulder and said, "C'mere. Let's just –"

"Don't touch me!" I snapped, pushing him away. "I'm gonna get there! Just don't help me! I gotta do it myself!"

"Whatever you say," he said.

I walked the rest of the way down the side of the corridor, with my hand tracing the wall. They told me when to make the turn into the lunchroom, and when I got inside, they told me how to get to our table.

By the time I sat down, I felt bad.

I had completely overreacted. Fry was only trying to help, and I had snapped at him like... something that snaps a lot. There was no reason for it. I was totally letting the frustration get to me.

Then I realised what I had snapped like.

I had snapped at Fry like Leela snapping at me.

We started on breakfast.

After a minute or two, Fry said, "So... um... there's a thing about you in the paper."

"There is?" I aksed. "What?"

"Well, there's an article. The headline is Amy Wong found alive. And under that it says 'Queen of mutants' recovered in wreckage of Old Town; Doctors rebuild legs, treating vision."

"It's the front page," Clara added.

"It is?" I said. "The front page?"

"Well, yeah," she said. "You're... everyone cares about you. We had big crowds outside all day yesterday. We were like, 'No point hanging around here. We're still working on her. We'll tell you when there's any news.' But they were like, 'We don't care! We just wanna be near her!' So... you know..."

Fry said, "Yeah, and the headline is, like, a billion point font."

"What else does it say?" I aksed him.

"Well, there's a bunch of stuff about how Bender found you in a collapsed building. There's..." I heard some rustling pages, and then he went on, "there's a page with a list of big miraculous rescues in history. Miners in Chile, whales in ice, robots in Old New Mexico, and stuff. There's an article about all the treatments the doctors did on you yesterday. Um... what else? Oh, there's, like, an editorial about how you should run for president when you recover."

"Not a fucking chance," I said.

Clara said, "Well, if you ever do change your mind... I'd vote for you."

I turned to her in surprise.

I was about to aks her something. But then something that Fry had said finally registered with me.

I turned back to him and aksed, "Hang on. What did that headline say?"

"The front page one?"

"Yeah. What did it say about me?"

"Just Amy Wong found alive."

"What was the subhead?"

"'Queen of mutants' recovered in wreckage of Old –"

"'Queen of mutants'?" I aksed.

"That's what people have been calling you," Clara told me. "The Queen of the Mutants."

"But... that doesn't make sense," I said. "I'm not a – oh shit. Is that why I can't see? I mutated into something without eyes? Is that what happened? Was there, like, radioactive waste in that building? Is that –"

Clara took my hand again and said, "No... no... no, that's not it. Listen... listen, Amy. You're still a beautiful Martian girl. You're still perfectly normal. Completely normal, ordinary, regular human. They just call you that because..."

"Who? Who calls me that? Those morons on Fox News? They're assholes. Who cares what they think?"

"No, it's us," Clara said. "The mutants. All of us. You're... you're our queen, Amy."

I was quiet.

For a long time I didn't know what to say.

Finally, I aksed her, "What... what does that mean?"

"It's like... it's like the queen of England. Even if you don't have any actual power, we all, you know, look up to you."

"So wait. I'm a figurehead?"

"No. Well... yes. Sort of," she stammered. "I don't know. You're... you freed us. You led us to a new planet, you gave us a surface – a real surface – and you... you gave us a home. There's nobody above us. There's nobody above us to tell us how to live. We can tell ourselves how to live."

Her grip on my hand tightened, and her voice came nearer as she leaned in closer. She went on, "Amy, you... even if you went back to Mars now and forgot about us, never came back, you'd still have done more for us than anyone ever has. If you wanted to rule us, you could. I'm sure everyone here would be willing to give you the keys to the planet. But even if you don't want to –"

"I don't."

"If you don't, you're still the most important person on the planet. We're still gonna treat you like a queen. We're still gonna put you on the stamps, and celebrate your birthday, and everything. That's what makes you the Queen of the Mutants. Because we... we love you, Amy."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

She lifted up my hand, kissed the knuckles, and held my hand to what I had to assume was her heart.

"So... if I'm the queen... is there a king...?"

"Yo," I heard from my right.

"Oh," I said again.

"Yeah," Fry said.

"You knew?" I aksed him.

"Yeah."

"And you didn't say anything?"

"I didn't think it was important."

Clara said, "It is, Mr Fry. It's majorly important. We love you both. All of us."

Her chair creaked, and then her arm wrapped around me, coming from my right.

It seemed like she had stood up and was hugging me from Fry's side.

Or more likely, she was standing between us and was hugging both of us.

She said, with a sniffle, "This is from all the mutants."