Meredith paced the floor of her apartment, nibbling on her thumbnail as she looked out the window worriedly. Derek was late. He was later than late, and she was officially going to kill him. Once he was home, she was going to hug him, and then kill him herself.

In the month and a half since his father's funeral, Derek had changed dramatically. Once they'd come back to school, he'd driven home every weekend, sometimes even during the week, to make sure his mothers and sisters were okay, and although he told everyone he was doing fine, Meredith knew he was lying. He barely spent any time at home, and he was constantly keeping himself busy with completely mundane tasks that she knew he was using to cover his emotions.

"Have you heard anything?" Addison asked as she came out of the kitchen and handed Meredith a cup of tea.

"No," Meredith sighed, waving off the tea as she moved to look out the window again. "I haven't seen him since class ended at twelve thirty. He said he was going to work, but that was almost twelve hours ago."

"I'm sure he's fine," Addison assured her. "Mark's out looking and he probably will find him in the library or something."

"I hope so," Meredith breathed, collapsing onto the couch and biting her nails. "How could he do this to me?"

Before Addison could reply, the door swung open and Mark stormed in. "I can't find him anywhere," he announced. "Mer…I don't know what to do."

"I don't…." Meredith sighed as she leaned into the couch. "I'm not sure what we can do either. He won't listen to me about anything."

Mark sighed as he ran a hand over his face. "He's still taking this pretty hard," he said. "But he refuses to let anyone else think that."

"I don't know what to do," Meredith whimpered. "I hate seeing him like this, but I can't just tell him to get better. Not when I don't know how to get better either."

Addison moved to sit on the couch beside Meredith. "I think he just needs people to stand by him while he works this out," she said. "He needs…he has to know that you're here for him, that we all are. And eventually, he'll be back to himself."

"What if he doesn't?" Meredith whispered. "Because I know it sounds horrible, but…I'm not sure that I can be in love with this Derek."

Before either one of them could say anything, there was the sound of a motorcycle roaring down the street and Addison rolled her eyes. "You'd think people would at least be respectful if they want to try to kill themselves," she said. "It's two in the morning, people are trying to sleep."

Meredith smiled slightly, but it didn't reach her eyes as she chewed on her thumbnail. "He hasn't even called," she exclaimed. "He doesn't even have the decency to call! I'm going to kill him."

"Maybe you should call Emma," Addison said. "Maybe he went home and just didn't call because he thought he told you."

"I can't call Emma," Meredith shook her head. "She's barely sleeping through the night, and if Derek was there, I would hate to wake her like that. And if he's not there…the last thing she needs is to worry that there's something wrong with Derek."

Suddenly, the door slammed open and Derek strode in, stopping when he saw them all sitting in the living room. "Whoa, what's going on?" he asked.

"Derek," Meredith breathed, jumping off the couch and throwing herself into his arms. "Thank God you're alright."

"Mer," Derek said, wrapping his arms around her. "You okay?"

She pulled out of his arms and pounded his shoulder, a scowl overtaking her features. "Where the hell have you been?" she shouted. "I've been worried about you for hours. Hours, Derek. You can't just disappear."

Derek rolled his eyes as he pushed past her, moving towards the kitchen. "I'm fine, Mer," he said. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Seriously?" Meredith yelled, storming after him. "Derek, you of all people should know that it's important for the people you love to know that you're okay."

"Meredith, I have to deal with things," Derek snapped. "I don't need you baby sitting me all the time."

"I'm not baby sitting you," Meredith sighed. "Derek, I know you need time to work through things. I totally get it. But you have to let me know where you are, because I can't do this, Derek, I can't."

"You want to know where I was?" Derek asked. "Fine. I went to Rhode Island."

"Rhode Island?" Meredith asked. "What's in Rhode Island?"

"My uncle's dealership," Derek replied. "He got me a deal on a Harley."

"Niiiice," Mark interrupted from where he leaned against the counter.

"Shut up Mark," Addison said, smacking his arm.

"A Harley," Meredith repeated. "A motorcycle. You bought a motorcycle."

"Yes," Derek nodded.

"A motorcycle," Meredith repeated.

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"No, except for the fact that the entire time I've known you, you've never showed any interest in motorcycles."

"Well, I'm not who I was," Derek replied with a shrug. "Things change."

Meredith sighed as she pushed herself off the counter to move closer to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I know you're still grieving," she said softly. "And I want to do whatever I can to make this easier for you. But Derek, I can't let you hurt yourself."

"I'm not going to hurt myself," Derek rolled his eyes, pulling out of her grasp. "I thought you would like it."

"I do," Meredith sighed. "It's hot. But don't expect me to get on that thing if you're in one of your self destructive moods. I can't let you do this, Derek."

Derek sighed. "I'm not going to do anything stupid," he whispered. "Mer…my dad always wanted a bike. He never got one because by the time he was our age, he was married and expecting Kathleen. Now…I need to do this. For him, to live out all the dreams he never had."

Meredith silently reached up to kiss him. "I love you," she whispered. "I love you so much, and I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."

Derek pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I love you too," she replied. "I'll be careful, Mer, I promise."

"Okay," she whispered, not sure if she believed him.

XXXXX

"So where's Derek?" Liz asked a couple weeks later as she led Meredith into the house. "I haven't seen him in a couple weeks."

Meredith sighed as she swung her bag onto the counter. "He's…coming," she replied. "He's not doing so great, Lizzie."

Liz sighed. "Sometimes I feel like the only normal one in this family," she said. "When I think about Daddy….I cry. I don't try to hide it or bury my emotions like everyone else."

"Good," Meredith nodded, pulling the younger girl in for a quick hug. "I'm proud of you."

"Meredith," Emma's weak voice greeted from the staircase. "Dear, it's so good to see you."

"Oh, Emma," Meredith sighed, letting go of Liz to rush towards the older woman. She wrapped her arms around her and squeezed tightly. "How are you doing?"

Emma hugged her back tightly. "As well as can be expected, I suppose," she sighed. "How are you doing?"

"Okay," Meredith sighed. "I just…I hate watching you all go through this."

"Hmmm," Emma said. "You know, it's alright for you to feel sad too. I know how much you adored Michael."

"I did," Meredith whispered. "I really did. But…you all lost so much more. Derek's… he's not doing well."

"Where is my son?" Emma asked, as if first realizing that Derek was nowhere to be seen.

Meredith and Liz exchanged a glance before Meredith cleared her throat. "Um…he just had some things to do at school. He should be here soon."

Emma looked at Meredith closely for a moment and Meredith shifted on her feet, uncomfortable under Emma's scrutinizing gaze. "Meredith, I may be grieving right now, but I am not stupid. Where is Derek?"

Meredith sighed trying to figure out the best way to tell Emma that she hadn't seen Derek since that morning, when he'd ridden off on his motorcycle before breakfast. Luckily, she heard the roar of what was hopefully Derek's motorcycle approach the house.

Emma frowned as she moved off her barstool. "I've never heard a motorcycle on this street in all the years I've lived her," she said, walking into the front hall. "At least I can be thankful that Michael never…oh no. Derek?"

"Mom," Liz sighed, reaching for Emma's arm. "Come on, just sit down. Derek will come in and explain this to you. He's probably just…borrowing it because his car broke down."

"I don't need to sit down," Emma snapped, yanking her arm out of her daughter's grasp. "I'm not an invalid, and I wish everyone would stop treating me like I am. What I need is to find out what is going on in that thick head of my son." She marched to the door and swung it open, stepping onto the porch as she saw Derek swinging his leg off his motorcycle. "Derek Christopher Shepherd!"

Derek looked up at her with wide eyes before he smiled briefly. "Hey, Mom," he said as he approached the porch.

"What in the world is that?" Emma demanded, pointing at the motorcycle.

"It's just a motorcycle," Derek said with a shrug as he approached her, leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek. "Hey, Lizzie, Mer."

"It is not just a motorcycle," Emma said, following him past the girls into the house. "Derek, you know how I feel about those things. And why aren't you wearing a helmet?"

"Mom, it's not a big deal," Derek sighed. "I just…needed a change. Cars get you places. A bike gets you places. They're the same."

"Derek Christopher, I do not need this right now," Emma said. "I was relieved enough when your father gave up on that dream. You think I have enough strength to worry about you riding around on one of those things as well?"

Derek rolled his eyes as he walked into the kitchen and pulled a beer out of the fridge, pausing for only a moment as he thought about the fact that it was the last beer his father had bought with the intention of drinking. "I don't need any of you telling me what to do," he said. "I know how I want to live my life.

"Come on, Derek," Liz said softly. "We're just trying to help you. Don't be a jerk. Dad would have kicked your butt a long time ago for acting like this."

There was a significantly loud pause in the kitchen as Derek stared at his sister, who met his gaze straight on. Meredith shifted uncomfortably behind Liz, while Emma stared at her son with anger blazing in her eyes. After a long moment, Derek silently put his beer bottle on the counter and walked quickly out of the room, the front door slamming a moment later.

Meredith rushed after him, stopping on the porch when she saw him pacing on the grass in front of the house. "Derek," she said, tentatively stepping off the porch and reaching for him, flinching as he jerked his arm out of her grip.

"I can't do this," he said, running a hand through his hair. "I can't be the one who's responsible for everything and everyone all the time. It's not fair that I'm supposed to do that. I'm in college…I just can't do this, Mer, I can't."

"Derek, you don't have to do anything you don't want to," she said. "I know it's hard. But everyone is worried about you. I'm trying to help you through this, Derek, but frankly…I'm terrified Derek. I hate that I can't help you."

Derek looked at her for a moment, and the next thing she knew, he had collapsed onto the grass, his hands going to claw at the skin of his neck. Meredith snapped into action as she recognized the onset of Derek's panic attack. She had been caring for them ever since the funeral, and as much as she hated watching him go through them, she knew he needed her to do it for him.

"It's okay," Meredith said softly. "You have to breathe Derek. I'm right here. Just breathe. Come on, Der, breathe." She gently coached him through the breathing process before he finally calmed down, sagging his weight against her. "Oh, Derek," she sighed, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "It's okay, I'm here."

"I'm not ready for this," he whimpered. "Mer, I can't do it."

"Come on, let's get back inside," Meredith said softly. She wrapped her arms around him and gently helped him to his feet, casting a worried glance at Liz and Emma who stood watching on the steps.

They made their way back into the house and Meredith settled Derek on the couch, watching as Emma hurried towards her son with open arms. Derek cuddled into her arms as he cried quietly, clinging to his mother as she rocked him back and forth.

Meredith backed away slowly, letting Derek and his mother have a moment alone. Tears sprang to her eyes as she realized how worried she was about Derek.

"He's not doing well, is he?" Liz asked softly from behind Meredith. "I mean, none of us are, but Derek…he really depended on Daddy to show him how to be a good man. He doesn't know where to go anymore."

Meredith shook her head. "He's very lost," she whispered. "And I…I don't know what to do to make it better."

"I miss him," Liz whispered. "I really miss him. I already lost my daddy, but now it feels like I lost my brother too."

Meredith sighed as she wrapped her arms around Derek's sister. "I know," she whispered. "I know exactly what you mean."