A/N: Please note that this excerpt takes place between episodes 8x10 and 8x15 (the S8 Clana arc). A huge thank you to LoisNClark4Ever, who finally convinced me to bite the Lana bullet and get everything out in the open since TPTB never saw it necessary. Please enjoy!
She supposes this is exactly what she gets for even thinking that there could be something between her and Clark that isn't pathetically one-sided on her part. So what if Jimmy said that Lois and Clark would be great together and so what if Clark had finally looked at her the way every woman wants to be looked at and not just as Chloe's annoying cousin for the first time as she'd descended the stairs in her bridesmaid dress, even if the color did make her look a little like a pumpkin? Never mind that he'd basically read Jimmy's vows as a confession of his own feelings to her and that when he'd pulled her into his chest and danced with her, his hand slipped lower than absolutely necessary on her waist and his eyes bored into her very soul. Never mind that their lips had been so close that she could feel his breath coming in short bursts, which meant he'd obviously felt something, as he'd leaned in to kiss her.
But then there was Lana, looking perfect; and there was Clark, still completely in love with her; and there was Lois, bowing quietly out of the barn before she could make things more awkward.
She's regretting downing that bottle of champagne while she bared her soul to Oliver because even though watching your cousin's wedding be demolished by a weird bony monster thing from hell will sober you up quickly, her stomach still churns uncomfortably. Why hadn't she learned her lesson after the engagement party? Then again, Clark had told her to come talk to him the next time she felt like downing an entire bottle of bubbly and she couldn't very well march herself up to him and profess her stupid feelings for him when the love of his life had just walked back into town.
God, whatever this is that she's feeling for Clark is a colossal mistake. She leans her head against the cinder block wall of the emergency room as the doctor finishes checking her over. She supposes that's one good side effect of having an overactive fight or flight response—running away from conflict had meant that she avoided any major injury from that thing that had attacked and taken Chloe. It's not that she's glad Chloe's missing—exactly the opposite—but Lois tries to see the silver lining in everything. She found Chloe when she was presumed dead once before, surely she can do it again.
"Olsen?" The nurse calls frantically and Lois pushes her doctor away and scampers to her. Jimmy, on the other hand, had taken the brunt of the monster's anger.
"Jimmy Olsen?" She tugs at her dress. What she'd give for a pair of running shorts and a tank top right now.
The nurse eyes her warily. "Are you family?"
Lois sighs and wrings her hands. "He just married my cousin and she's missing, so I guess I'm as close as it gets. He doesn't have parents, well, not ones he speaks to. I'm Lois. Lois Lane." Everything had happened so fast… It's hard to process that Jimmy is technically family now.
"Yes, I heard about his poor wife…" The other woman considers her explanation and then nods. "Well, he's stable for now, but we need to get him to a specialty surgeon."
"So you're sending him to Met Gen?"
She shakes her head. "Met Gen doesn't have the facilities he needs to recover fully."
Lois narrows her eyes. "Then where—"
"Star City," the nurse says. "It's the only chance he has. We can send him alone for now and then when your cousin returns—"
"No," Lois interrupts. "No. I'll go with him."
The nurse studies her warily and Lois can understand why. It must be hard for her to understand why a young woman would be willing to uproot her entire life for her missing first cousin's new husband. But Lois has always considered Chloe more of a sister than Lucy, and she knows without a doubt that this is the right decision. Her job at the Planet will keep—she has some personal days built up, and she can always take family medical leave if she needs to—and there's nothing else keeping her here. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Clark's dark head duck into the room she assumes belongs to Lana. Nothing at all.
It's what Chloe would want.
And, if she's being completely honest with herself, she doesn't know if she can handle seeing Clark be in love with Lana right now. Not when she was so sure there was something between them.
"I'll go," she reiterates. "He needs someone. No one should have to heal alone."
The pull-out couch in Jimmy's hospital room is terribly uncomfortable and she hasn't had anything to eat but dry cheeseburgers and cold fries for the last three days. She knows every member of the intensive care unit nursing staff by name and they all pretend not to give her sympathetic looks when they come in to check his vital signs and administer medicines. She looks like hell—bags have formed underneath her eyes, she hasn't given her hair a proper brushing in days, and the cheap mascara she bought at the hospital gift shop flakes.
On the plus side, she has discovered a new love for the comfort of hospital scrubs. A sympathetic nurse had taken pity on her in her short dress and high heels and had slipped her a pair of powder blue scrubs and a pair of rubber flip flops from the floor lost and found on the first day of Jimmy's stay. She had changed immediately and shoved her bridesmaid dress into the hazardous waste bin. Lois will never wear orange again for as long as she lives.
She palms her cell phone and scrolls through her contacts. She pauses over Chloe's name and her stomach twists. What she wouldn't give to be able to call her cousin and complain about the food and her lack of clothes and the fact that the hospital-issued shampoo has built up on her hair and dulled it beyond belief. But if she could talk to Chloe, she wouldn't even have to be here. She tries not to think about it too much. Instead, she just tries to be the best stand-in nursemaid Jimmy could want.
And then, right underneath Chloe's name, is Clark's. Three weeks ago, she wouldn't have thought twice about calling him in lieu of her cousin, just to hear a familiar voice, just to hear him say her name in that way only he can. But he's with Lana now, doing God only knows what (hopefully looking for Chloe, but Lois isn't kidding herself), and she does not want to run the risk of Lana misinterpreting things between the two of them. Not when it looks like things might actually work out for Clark and Lana, the star-crossed lovers of Central Kansas. Jesus. Lois could never live that one down.
She does compose a short text to him, though, just as she has every night since she arrived in Star City.
No change here. Have you heard from Chloe?
Her phone pings with his reply after ten minutes, a full seven minutes later than it usually does. Not that she's been keeping track.
Nothing from Chloe. Thinking about you both.
"Are you really, Clark?" she whispers into the dimly lit hospital room before she curls her knees into her chest and falls into a fitful sleep.
Lois drags her fork lazily through her salad. "So, how is… Everyone?" She's nothing short of thrilled to have Chloe back and in Star City with her, but she misses Metropolis. And Smallville. The town, definitely not the person. Although if she did miss the person, it would be in a strictly platonic way.
"You mean, how is Clark?" Chloe raises her eyebrows and grins at her cousin's obvious discomfort. "You know, Lois, you do own this nifty piece of technology called a cell phone that can connect you to people you want to check in with. Pretty cool stuff, actually."
"Ha-ha," Lois says sarcastically as she rolls her eyes. Then she shrugs. There's no point in lying to Chloe or herself. "I just didn't want to disturb him and his thing with Lana or whatever."
Chloe clears her throat. "Yeah, about that. I kind of took up for you on the Clark front…"
"What?" She nearly spits out the ranch-soaked bite of grilled chicken she's just taken. "What exactly did you say?"
"I might have mentioned that I know first-hand how much it really sucks being the other sixty degrees in the Clark-Lana-whoever triangle and that I wouldn't appreciate you getting hurt in all this."
"Oh, God…" She is mortified. The only thing worse than openly admitting her feelings for Clark is having her cousin do it to defend her honor. "You shouldn't have, Chlo. Seriously."
Chloe sets her fork back on the paper napkin beside her Styrofoam container and folds her fingers together. "Or maybe I did exactly what needed to happen, Lois. Look, Clark means well, and I think he really cares for you. But Lana…"
"—is Lana, and she'll always be the love of his life," Lois finishes, resting her head in her hands. "God, what the hell happened to me? I'm not the girl who cares when…" She falters and pushes the plastic salad dish away from her in disgust.
"When her soul mate is in a relationship with someone else?"
Lois's jaw drops as she stares at Chloe. She's known for a while that there were feelings for Clark festering just under the surface, but soul mate? She wouldn't go that far. Sure, there was that crazy jeweler and his weird Saw-esque lie detector test that had made her confess her deepest, darkest secret to Clark… But she'd handled the situation, just like she always does, and she refuses to believe that Clark Kent is her soul mate.
"It's okay." Chloe reaches across the table and grasps Lois's hands. "Trust me, it's pretty obvious to everyone but you two. Plus asking me at my wedding how I knew Jimmy was 'The One' while you looked all moony-eyed at Clark all day? Dead giveaway, cuz." She sits back in her chair and shrugs. "You're a reporter, Lois. You just don't ask that kind of question unless you're already pretty sure you know."
Appetite gone, Lois chews nervously on her bottom lip and remains quiet while she watches Chloe finish her lunch.
She doesn't speak again until they're on the elevator, on their way back up to the sixth floor ICU. "What's the difference between the love of your life and your soul mate?" Lois asks quietly. "Is there one?"
"There definitely is." Chloe turns and offers her a small smile. "One's your choice and the other isn't."
Chloe tries to convince her to return to Metropolis after Jimmy wakes up and starts his long road to a complete recovery, but Lois staunchly refuses. Oliver has put them up in a nice apartment and arranged with Tess to hold Lois's job until she can get back; Chloe brought a few suitcases full of Lois's clothes and toiletries; and frankly, Lois doesn't know if she can be in Clark's world as long as Lana is.
It's cowardly and she knows it, but she is nothing if she isn't good at running away from situations and people who make her uncomfortable and self-conscious, and Lana Lang does both of those things. Besides, with Chloe having to jet back and forth so often because of her work at the Isis Foundation, Lois feels a sort of obligation to sit by Jimmy's bedside while he recovers, even if all she does is watch soap operas, devour tabloids as quickly as she can read them, and work crossword puzzles.
Her phone buzzes against the window sill and her stomach automatically leaps into her throat. She keeps expecting Clark to call just to check in, let her know how work is going, even ask her how she's holding up… But he seems to have forgotten she even exists. She stopped texting him last week after the last three she sent went unanswered.
"Hey, Chlo," she answers, praying the disappointment in her voice isn't as obvious as she thinks it is.
"I could kill Clark," Chloe vents on the other end of the phone.
"Yeah, well. Join the club," Lois quips, flipping a page in the most recent Inquisitor.
"I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear this."
She doesn't, but it seems like her cousin needs someone to talk to. "It's fine."
"Just why would you want to be with someone who is obviously toxic?" Chloe voice rises in indignation. "I mean, Clark didn't grow the hell up until Lana went M-I-A and now that she's back, it's just like being in high school again and I swear to God, Lois, I don't need that kind of drama."
Lois clear her throat. "Did you tell Clark this?"
"Oh, I tried," Chloe continues without missing a beat. "But you know how I get when he looks at me with those giant green eyes. I ended up spinning it to a 'maybe you just grew up on your own' instead of a 'get the hell away from her before she kills you' kind of thing. Lana used to be my best friend and I still love the girl I just… She's different this time around and I'm not sure it's a good thing."
Lois is a little taken aback by her cousin's vitriol. She's always been such a seemingly staunch supporter of Clark and Lana. "Whoa. Slow down. What exactly happened?"
Chloe sighs. "It's not important. What matters is that Lana is missing again and Clark needs my help finding her so I don't know if I'm going to make it back tonight."
Lana is missing? There's a little part of her that's weirdly happy and she's embarrassed because it's such a hateful and petty reaction, especially to the disappearance of someone who used to be her friend. "Anything I can do?"
"Well, I'd say don't fall in love with my best friend, but I think it's too late for that."
"Oh, please. That is so last week." Lois forces a laugh, but her already raw feelings sting with her cousin's barb.
Lana is located and then disappears from Clark's life as unexpectedly as she arrived at the reception, but according to Chloe, she's left a massive trail of carnage in her wake, starting and ending with Clark Kent. Lois considers calling him, even going as far as to pick up her phone, scroll to his name in her contacts list, and let her thumb hover over the green call button. She can never make herself press it, though. Something about the move screams desperation, and if there's one thing Lois isn't, it's desperate. Clark will heal on his own time and they'll have to go from there.
Honestly, she's not even sure she didn't just imagine the whole infatuation thing. It had probably stemmed from the fact that she was a little jealous that Chloe got married before she did and Clark just happened to be the man she was around most of the time. They were partners, for Christ's sake. She couldn't be in love with him. She loved her job and no one, especially not Clark Kent was going to jeopardize that for her. So as she packs up her suitcases for her return trip to Metropolis, she brushes the whole thing off and decides to call Clark and ask him if he'll pick her up from the airport. As a friend, of course.
So once again, she fishes her phone from her pocket and scrolls through to Clark's name. This time, though, she doesn't hesitate to press the button.
She doesn't expect him to answer after the third ring with a sleep-infused hello.
"Smallville!" she chirps. Damn. Too cheery. He'll know something is up. "Hey, it's Lois." Well, duh.
"Lois?" She definitely woke him up. She can hear the bedsheets rustle around him as he sits up. She tries desperately not to think of what he's wearing. "Hi." He almost sounds happy to hear from her.
"Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm flying back in tomorrow and I was wondering if you could pick me up. I'd ask Chloe, but she's busy trying to get Jimmy's transfer to Met Gen confirmed and I—"
"What time?"
Lois releases a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding. Good old dependable Clark. Her friend. "Eleven-thirty. I'll buy you lunch!" She realizes what it sounds like just after she offers. A date. So she hastily adds, "As a thank you. For driving me. I mean, it's not a date or whatever."
"Lunch sounds great," Clark says and she can practically see the small smile that he always gets when she can't seem to shut up. "There are, uh…" He clears his throat. "There are some things we should probably talk about."
Her heart leaps into her throat and her palms sweat. "Yeah…" she says softly. "Yeah, there probably are."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"'Bye."
It's the longest conversation they've had in a month and Lois knows immediately that she was kidding herself by pretending she'd imagined everything.
"So..." Lois drums her fingers nervously on her knees. The drive out of the maze-like Metropolis airport had taken almost half an hour longer than normal, due to a combination of the always heavy traffic worsened by the torrential downpour, and Clark's propensity to drive like an eighty-year-old man. Normally she'd be happy for the extra time, but try as she might, she can't engage him in conversation of any kind and it's really getting old.
He picked her up from the airport as promised, but rather than the tearful, romantic reunion she'd been hoping for, he'd tossed her a half-smile and pulled her against his side for the most awkward hug in history while he reached around her for her bags. He had picked her up, though, and that was something.
She'd dreamt last night that Clark had forgotten her and she'd been left standing in a downpour, seething and cursing his name. Of course, she'd also dreamt that Clark told her he was an alien from another planet and asked her to out him to the entire world… As soon as she woke she swore off Indian food right before bed. It had all felt so real.
She'd tried making small talk about how happy she'll be when she gets settled back into work at the Daily Planet; about Chloe and Jimmy and how they'll finally get to have their happy ending; even about how much she's missed the smell of the hay fields at the farm; but Clark just stared passively ahead at the road and responded occasionally with a grunt or a sigh or a nod of his head. For someone who so desperately wanted to speak to her last night, he isn't exactly holding up his end of the conversation.
"So," she starts again. "What's for lunch?"
He shrugs. "Maybe we should take a rain check? I had a really big breakfast…"
"Oh." She'd purposefully forgone her yogurt because she was so looking forward to the pasta from her favorite restaurant a few blocks from the Daily Planet office.
"We can pick something up and take it back if you want," he stammers. "It's just… I have this deadline…"
"No, no, it's fine." She wishes he could have at least decided on one story before he'd lied to her.
They bounce along the streets for a few more awkwardly silent moments. He hasn't even turned on the radio to cut some of the quiet.
Finally, she can't take it anymore. "Well, here we are… The two of us… Trapped together in a moving vehicle for an extended period of time…"
He grunts. Fantastic.
"I'm just saying, if two people, such as ourselves, needed to have a conversation, there wouldn't be a better time…"
He sucks in a deep breath. "Right. There was the… thing we needed to talk about."
"I'm all ears." Lois steels herself. This is where their relationship changes… One way or the other.
Careful not to look away from the road, Clark opens and closes his mouth several times, like he can't decide on exactly the words to say. After a few moments, he stretches his hand toward her, but then, like he's changed his mind at the last moment, rubs his chin thoughtfully.
"Yeah, Tess has a pretty big assignment for us this week," he says. "You picked a good time to come back."
She scoffs, not the least bit convinced. "And?"
"And…" he continues slowly, "I'm just glad you're back to help me out. The bullpen really isn't the same without Lois Lane." He turns toward her and flashes her a smile. "So. How about lunch? You want to stop at that Italian place by the Planet?"
"No." She leans her head against the cool glass of the window and watches the water-logged citizens of Metropolis rush down the sidewalks. "Can't keep Tess waiting. Let's get to work."
She has to be the biggest idiot of all time. That's the only way to describe the temporary insanity that had come over her once they'd arrived back at the Daily Planet and she'd practically begged him to talk about everything that had happened at the wedding reception from hell. Then she'd seen the tortured look in his eyes and reneged on her words and had been strangely disappointed when he'd agreed that maybe it was best that they just left things as they were. Then she'd gone and invited him to get coffee with her. Okay, not really invited. Just hinted heavily that she would really like it if he came and that she would almost definitely consider it a silent admission of his feelings for her and think of it as their first date for the rest of her life.
Lois takes a long drink of her cappuccino when it finally arrives. She has to be the world's most pathetic, biggest idiot. Because not only did she actually do all of those things, but she'd actually decided to come to the café and sit out here in plain sight and wait for him. And now she's disappointed that he hasn't shown yet.
"Idiot," she murmurs and checks the time on her phone again. She's exhausted after her flight and then working for half a day, all the while trying to avoid Clark at every turn, and all she wants is to go to bed, but there's a tiny part of her that thinks maybe Clark won't let her down. That maybe they can salvage whatever weird thing this is.
Her stomach somersaults wildly when her phone buzzes against the table. Clark.
Sorry swamped with work, can't make it.
She can't say she's surprised. He was so weird on the drive and then all day at work… And maybe she was expecting too much considering everything he's been through with Lana recently. Idiot. She sighs and shakes her head in disbelief at her stupidity as she types out her response.
Chasing a lead, couldn't make it anyway.
Coffee after work was a terrible idea for many reasons, the biggest one being that it's almost two in the morning and Lois is still lying wide awake in bed. Of course, she isn't completely sure if it's due to the coffee or the rejection; both still burn hot in her veins. She's just lucky Chloe isn't home tonight. She never would have been able to explain the dried tracks from the stupid tears she'd shed from sheer embarrassment on her drive home.
She rubs her forehead in frustration and then swings her legs out of bed, slides her feet into her slippers, and pads into the kitchen, on the hunt for something sweet and chocolatey and laden with calories. She finds an abandoned package of Ding Dongs on the third shelf of the pantry and tears into it greedily as she perches on a barstool.
"Idiot…" she mutters to herself as she finishes off the second snack cake and wipes her fingers on a napkin.
Then there's a knock on the door and all of her senses heighten immediately. Who the hell is knocking on her door at two in the morning? She tiptoes over and presses her eye to the peep hole.
"Clark?" Lois twists the deadbolt and slides the chain out of place. "What the hell are you doing here?" she asks as she opens the door and he steps into the apartment.
"Chloe and Jimmy are gone, right?" He peers around the corner frantically.
"Yeah, she's staying at the hospital with him tonight. Why?" She crosses her arms over her chest. The tank top she sleeps in doesn't leave a whole lot to the imagination.
"I needed to talk to you," he says quietly, sitting on the couch, "but I didn't want an audience. I love Chloe but…"
"Yeah, I get it." Lois sits at the other end of the couch and crosses her arms more tightly, as if she can compress herself to keep him as far away from her as possible. She has no idea what's left to say between them. She thinks he made his feelings for her perfectly clear when he blew her off.
"Lois, I'm sorry I left you sitting at the café tonight."
It isn't the first time she's wondered if maybe he can read her mind, but it is the first time she's allowed herself to react before she tamps down her emotions. Her jaw falls open and she stammers. "I-I wasn't… I mean, you got my text, right?"
Clark shakes his head and laces his fingers together. "No, Lois, I saw you there. I went. I wanted to go in and sit with you but I just…" He sighs. "I couldn't."
"Because of Lana." She says and then becomes suddenly fascinated with an imaginary flaw in the throw rug under the coffee table. She's afraid that if she looks up or speaks, the heavy tears that pool in her eyes will splash down her cheeks. She may have cried in her car earlier, but General Sam Lane's daughter doesn't let anyone see her cry.
"I can't explain what happened between Lana and me, but I can tell you that you weren't imagining things between us at the wedding. Or at all. You…" He takes a deep breath. "I did have feelings for you, Lois. I do."
Her breath catches in her throat and she dares to glance up at him. He's still sitting on the end of the couch, his hands still folded together neatly, but he's looking at her earnestly, like he's waiting for her permission to continue with his confession.
"I still do," he repeats when she refuses to move, turning his hands over and over in the space between his knees. "I just don't know what they mean. I thought I was over her, I did, but then she came back and you left and I just…"
Lois exhales sharply through her nose. "So what, you weren't sure which of us you liked better, but since she was around and I ran away, you chose her? That's stupid."
"I know how this sounds." He rubs his hands on his jean-clad thighs. "I just thought you deserved to know… Now that she's gone."
She pushes herself to her feet and walks back and forth in front of the coffee table a few times, trying to come to terms with everything. Earlier this afternoon she'd been ready to accept any kind of relationship Clark would offer her, short of mortal enemies, of course. But now… Now that he's here and looks absolutely miserable and keeps talking about how hard the decision between her and Lana was when he couldn't even be bothered to text her back, she's furious with him.
"That makes me what?" she asks. "The prize behind curtain number two? The back-up plan? What did you think? 'Oh, poor Lois. She'll always be there, pining away for me, just waiting for me to realize that she's alive—'"
"I didn't mean it like that—"
"You can't just come here and ask me to be with you until Lana gets back into town again. That's not enough for me, Clark."
"That isn't what I'm asking. And she isn't coming back this time," he replies, and it takes her by surprise that he's so absolutely sure of the statement. "She's gone."
She could punch him. It's no wonder Chloe had been so frustrated when she'd called all those weeks ago. Clark and Lana were a walking soap opera. And while Lois enjoyed watched the occasional dramatic love triangle unfold on television, she knows without a doubt that she doesn't want to live one, even if the other point is supposedly out of the picture.
"So what do you want, Clark?" She throws her hands up in question. "What do you want from me?"
"Nothing."
"Don't lie," she spits. "You don't come to someone's apartment at two in the morning to 'talk' if you don't want anything."
"I…" He falters and shakes his head in defeat.
"You see, this is where we're different," she says quietly, stopping in front of him, the coffee table between them a pretty good representation of the chasm she feels is opening. "You're afraid to say what you want."
"I'm afraid of hurting you."
She laughs, a high, mirthless chuckle. "Well, you're about a month too late for that."
The air around them is heavy and palpable and she feels like she can sense things in super high-definition. The heavy clock in the corner ticks more loudly than normal, the pipes groan more frequently, the Christmas lights strung up randomly around the apartment shine brighter. Adrenaline, she tells herself. But she can't help but wonder if all momentous events feel like this as they're happening. Because she knows without a doubt that this night will change the course of their relationship forever and she's not sure she's prepared for this new direction.
Clark sighs heavily. "I just need some time, Lois. I need to figure out what I really want, how I really feel… About a lot of things."
She wants to hate him, to throw him out of her apartment and tell her never to speak to her again. She wants to march into Tess Mercer's office tomorrow morning and demand a new partner so that she never has to look at Clark again for the rest of her life, never has to watch him mark-up her articles with a red felt-tip pen while he sucks air through the cap he holds in his teeth just because he knows it drives her crazy.
But she watches as he worries his bottom lip between his teeth and rubs his hands together nervously and suddenly Chloe's words to her on the elevator make perfect sense.
One isn't your choice.
Damn it.
"I know," she says softly and falls onto the couch. "I think maybe we both need some time. How about we table this discussion until a later date?"
Clark nods and holds out his hand to her. "Can we be friends in the meantime?"
She shakes her head, but take his hand, lacing her fingers through his. "Oh, Smallville. We always were."
She marches into Tess Mercer's office first thing the next morning, but it isn't because she's looking for a new partner.
"I know I just got back, but I need an assignment," Lois tells her editor. "Preferably one that isn't in Metropolis."
Tess nods. "What did you have in mind?"
Two hours later, she's nestled into the window seat of the first plane to Chicago.
She tries not to think about Clark.
Like usual, she fails miserably.
A/N: Thank you!