"So how are you and Derek doing with...everything?" Beth asked a couple weeks later as she and Meredith walked down the street, shopping bags in hand.
"Okay," Meredith shrugged. "We're still us. Just an us that doesn't talk about the giant elephant in the room."
"You haven't decided anything?" Beth asked as she stopped walking, staring into the window of the nearest store.
"No," Meredith shrugged. "I can't...sometimes I think that it would be amazing to be a surgeon. To be able to save lives like that and work side by side with Derek...it would be absolutely amazing. But at the same time...I want babies."
Beth nodded. "Well, do you have to wait until after residency to have kids?" she asked. "After your internship, sure, but plenty of people have babies as residents."
"And those kids spend half their lives in day care and the other half with nannies," Meredith sighed. "Trust me. I was one of those kids."
"But you and Derek have so much family," Beth replied. "His mom could take care of them while you're at work. And of course Nate and I would help out if you stayed around here."
Meredith nodded, biting her lower lip. "That's just something else to add to the pile of thoughts in my head," she sighed.
"You want to be a surgeon, Mer," Beth laughed, turning to the entrance of the nearest store. "And plenty of people can do it."
"I guess," Meredith sighed.
"Do you mind if we run in here real quick?" Beth asked as she opened the door.
"Sure," Meredith replied, stopping as she followed Beth into the store. "Beth..."
Beth giggled as she looked around at the baby clothes and toys that surrounded them. "I'm telling Nate tonight," she said. "I want to get something for him." She walked over to the nearest bin of bibs and picked one up, looking at the green print that read, "I love my daddy."
"Beth, you're...are you?"
Beth smiled as she lowered the bib. "Seven weeks," she nodded. "By Christmas...you and Derek might not have the loudest apartment in the building anymore."
"Oh," Meredith sighed, reaching for the nearest rocking chair and collapsing into it.
"Are you okay?" Beth asked. "I know you're going through a lot and your friends having babies probably isn't helping very much, but it's not something I can exactly hide from you..."
"No," Meredith smiled, looking up at her. "I think it's fantastic. Congratulations."
"Thanks," Beth giggled as she returned Meredith's hug. "I can't believe this is happening."
"Me either," Meredith said, looking around the room. "We...you're having a baby."
"I am," Beth smiled, a hand resting gently on her stomach.
"This is...amazing," Meredith breathed. "Come on, we have to buy stuff."
Beth laughed. "He's the size of a peanut right now," she said.
"So?" Meredith asked. "I'm pretty sure that Derek's mom already has baby presents for us. Which is...well, it's never too early."
Beth smiled as she moved to stand beside Meredith as she looked over the piles of clothes in front of them. As Meredith held up shirt after shirt, Beth watched her with a gentle hand over her stomach. There was no doubt about it, Meredith Shepherd wanted a baby.
XXXXX
"Derek!" Meredith giggled as she ran into their apartment later that day, dropping her bags onto the floor and running into the kitchen where she could hear him talking quietly. "I have the best news ever...what's wrong?"
Derek held up a hand to her, turning to look at the counter as he practically shouted into the phone. "I don't care, Elizabeth, you're not even out of college! I know that's better than high school, but what about med school? You were accepted to Harvard! That's not possible. I'm not going to not tell Mom. You have to get your head on straight, this is ridiculous. Fine, do whatever you want. But don't expect me to be there."
He slammed the phone down and turned to Meredith as he ran shaking hands through his hair. Meredith frowned as she watched him exhale deeply as he turned in a circle, trying to find room to pace in their small kitchen. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him this worked up, and she wasn't sure what she should do about it.
"Derek?" she asked softly, reaching out to him. "What's going on?"
"I...Liz," Derek breathed. "She's pregnant."
"Oh," Meredith breathed, looking down at her feet, wondering why everyone around her was having babies. Apparently karma hated her. "And that's a bad thing?"
"Of course it's a bad thing," Derek snapped. "She's marrying some idiot she's been seeing for a month. And she's giving up Harvard."
"Oh," Meredith repeated, turning to walk into the living room. If Derek was mad that his sister for giving up med school, she couldn't imagine how upset he would be if she did the same.
"What the hell is she thinking?" Derek asked, running a hand through his hair. "She's completely throwing her life away."
"She is not," Meredith shook her head. "She's going to be a mother. And she's doing what's best for the baby."
"There shouldn't be a baby," Derek argued. "She should have been responsible."
"She is being responsible," Meredith said, her voice rising. "She made a mistake, yes, and now she's going to be an adult and take responsibility for it."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Derek asked. "You're taking her side."
"There are no sides," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'm just saying what I feel."
"Mer...there's something else going on in that head of yours, and I want to know what it is," Derek said. "You know this is a big deal."
"I want a baby."
The apartment was completely silent, and Meredith swallowed hard as she stared at Derek as he stared back at her, slowly reaching for a chair to sit down. "You...what?"
"I want to have a baby," Meredith whispered. "Derek, I want to be pregnant. I want to feel your baby move in my stomach. I want to fight with you over names and squeeze your hand while I'm in labor. And then I want to have a baby with your smile and your eyes and my nose. I want to play with our baby on the living room floor and watch you rock him or her to sleep. Derek, I want to have your baby."
"Meredith," Derek breathed. "I want that too. But...now?"
"Everyone's having babies!" Meredith cried, throwing her hands in her hair. "Nancy just had twins. Kath's pregnant again, Beth's having a baby, and now Liz...Derek, we're going be surrounded by babies. But I want my own. I want your baby."
"We can't have a baby," Derek shook his head. "Meredith, you're not thinking clearly."
"I'm not thinking clearly?" Meredith shouted. "I thought I was. Because you said you would support me no matter what I decided!"
"That was when I thought you were deciding whether you wanted to be a surgeon!" Derek yelled back. "Meredith, we're in med school!"
"You don't want my babies!" Meredith yelled. "Just say it! You don't want my babies because they'll have Alzheimer's and split ends and you want perfect babies! You want perfect chatty babies with stupid perfect hair! You don't want my crappy babies."
"I didn't say that!" Derek cried. "Meredith, of course I want your babies. All of them. But we're in school. We don't have good jobs and we barely have time for each other, let alone a baby."
"Fine," Meredith snapped, walking over to her shopping bags and pulling something out of it, throwing it across the room at him. "Then you can just return that! Because apparently it's not something you want at all!"
The door slammed behind her as she stormed out of the apartment, and Derek leaned down to pick up the small piece of fabric that had fallen to the floor. As he held up the tiny T-shirt, he blinked back tears as he read the light blue print over the pink fabric.
Daddy's Little Princess.
He sighed as he collapsed back into his chair, holding the T-shirt tightly in his hands. He wasn't sure how them having kids had turned into such a huge fight, but he knew he had to do something about it. He had promised Meredith he would give her whatever she wanted, and he had to fulfill that, because he couldn't lose her.
XXXXX
"Hey Dad," he sighed an hour later as he collapsed on the ground in front of Michael's grave. "Sorry I haven't been here in awhile. But it looks like Mom's been here." He smiled at the lilies that were sitting beside the grave. He took a deep breath before he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small flask of scotch, pouring a little of it over the stone before taking a sip himself.
"I don't know what to do, Dad," he sighed. "Because Mer...she wants babies. She wants them now. I guess Mom's probably told you that Kath's pregnant again. I'm hoping for a boy this time, even out the balance. I've already got three nieces. And...Liz is pregnant too. Don't worry, I'm taking care of it. Maybe not in the way you would have, but...I'm trying to be a good brother and protect all the girls from being hurt. Chris and Matt are great, but Mike...I don't know him that well, but apparently he's going to be my brother in law. I'll let you know if I need your help dealing with him.
"Anyway, our neighbor Beth is having a baby too. She and Mer have gotten pretty close, and I guess Mer just feels like everyone is having babies. And now she wants them. Which is...we're careful. We had a scare a couple weeks ago, and I don't think I've ever been more relieved as when the nurse came and told us that the test was negative. But Mer...she's become obsessed with having a baby. She told me she wants to switch to pediatrics so she doesn't have to wait as long to have babies. And today she told me that she wants to start trying. Now. And she gave me this shirt. Well, it's not mine, but, she bought this adorable shirt..." he reached into his pocket and pulled the tiny piece of pink fabric out, holding it out for his dad to see. "She wants to give me babies."
"And Dad, babies with Mer...nothing else sounds more amazing. To have a little princess that looks exactly like her Mommy, I don't think my life could be more perfect. But I'm a neurosurgeon, Dad. I haven't ever set foot in an OR, and I haven't even done my clinicals yet, but...I'm a neurosurgeon. I saw how you were able to do it, and that's who I am. I can't do anything else. And even if Mer wants to change to pediatrics, I can't have a baby now. There's no way I could stay up all night with a crying baby and have my medical boards the next day. And when I'm an intern I won't be able to take time off to see preschool plays and coach T-ball teams. You were able to do that, and that's the kind of father that I want to be. But as an intern...I wouldn't be able to do that."
"But I promised Mer I would give her everything she ever wanted. And right now she wants a baby. I don't know what to do right now, Dad. Because if I tell her no...she'll hate me. But I don't want to have a baby right now, and if I do...I'm afraid that I'll end up resenting her when I'm an intern and I'm missing my little girl's dance recitals or my son's soccer game. So Dad...I need you to tell me what to do. I need help. I don't want us to resent each other, but we both want such different things, and I don't know what to do anymore."
Derek sighed as he dropped the T-shirt to the ground to run his hands through his hair. A tear streaked down his cheek as he looked up at the sky, feeling the cool breeze of the wind against his cheek. As he turned back to look at his father's grave, he smiled softly when he saw some of the petals from the lilies beside the stone spin into the wind, dropping softly onto the pink T-shirt as it lay abandoned on the ground.
Derek swallowed hard as he looked down at the shirt, the petals gently framing the words and staying unusually still in the crisp winter wind. He laughed slightly as he reached out to trace the words, not wanting to disturb the gentle sign he was sure his father had left for him as he did so. He took a deep breath as he made a decision, knowing exactly what he needed to do now.
Gently, he reached down to pick up the T-shirt, clutching it tightly as he leaned forward to pour the rest of the scotch over the soft ground in front of the grave. "I have to go find Mer now," he said. "I'm glad I came here. I'll try to come back more often. Mer will come too, I know you probably want to see her too." He stood, brushing the dirt off of his pants as he looked down at the T-shirt clutched in his hands, his heart suddenly pounding.
"Thanks Dad."