A/N: I'm gonna be honest: I haven't seen enough of BMW to get a full grasp of the characters and personalities of Shorpanga, so I kind of write them however I want lol. Sorry if all three are OOC (but lol it's an AU sooooo…)
Also Anon from tumblr who requested the adorable Lucaya mall scene: unfortunately, I can't fit that scene into this story anymore. It's a little too late, but I do love your request and I'll put the scene as a "missing moment" in Love and War. I hope that's okay with you!
If I told any of you I would update on Thursday I want to sincerely apologize for grossly misinterpreting just how long this chapter would end up being! I am so sorry for deceiving you if I did and I hope you can forgive me for being a doof... Thursday was a bad day for me. And then it took me two days to write this chapter out. I hope you can forgive me. And thank you always for the reviews and the kindness you all have shown me towards this story! :)
Disclaimer: I do not own GMW, but Lucaya is bae.
"Alright, baby girl." Katy said, pushing the door further open with her bum and tugging Maya to come inside. "We're home."
Maya trudged in, dragging behind her Mr. Flopsy, her thumb planted in her mouth. She looked around the empty darkened apartment, her nose wrinkling. The place was dusty and humid and it made her skin crawl, not to mention how musty the air was. The walls were almost yellow, and the carpet had weird looking patches that looked like pee stains. It was just gross overall.
"Mommy…" she said, taking a step back in fright. Katy put a hand on her shoulder to stop her, pushing her slightly forward. "I don't like it here…"
"There's nothing we can do about it. This is the only place I can afford with my salary."
"What happened to our old home?" Maya asked, eyeing the giant spider in the corner cautiously.
Katy didn't answer her and turned to the light switch near the door, flicking it up and down repeatedly. Nothing.
"Huh… The fuse must be busted…" Katy muttered. "I'll have to ask the landlord about that."
"Mommy?"
"Not now, Maya." Katy responded, walking outside and picking up another one of the cardboard boxes in the hallway and bringing it inside. This box said fragile on it, and Katy walked painstakingly slowly and set it on the dusty kitchen counter. A burst of dust flew up from the counter when the box made contact and Katy coughed violently, waving her hand in front of her face to clear it from the area.
"This fucking dust is terrible…" Katy muttered under her breath, before peeling the tape off of the box she had taken and opening it up.
Maya looked around in confusion. Where was the furniture? Where was all the cheerful stuff that Daddy had on the walls? What happened to the nice fluffy white carpet? And why wasn't Daddy here yet? This didn't look like any home to her.
"Mommy?" she asked again, and Katy paused in plugging in a lamp she'd unearthed from the box, glancing at Maya over her shoulder.
"What is it, Maya?"
"Why did we move? This place is crummy…" she whined, staring at the bug skittering across the floor looking for a hiding place when light illuminated the room. "And there's a bug here. How come we can't live with Daddy?"
Katy sighed and closed her eyes momentarily, pinching the bridge of her nose in that way that always made her look much older than she really was. She ran her hands through her long tangled hair, before bunching it up and tying it above her head in a sloppy bun and addressing Maya.
"Maya, listen." She said, settling in front of Maya and sitting on her knees so she was eye level with the little girl. "We had to move because we needed a place to live."
"But why can't we live with Daddy?" Maya whined again, clutching her bunny to her chest. "I don't like this place. I don't wanna live here."
Katy smoothed down Maya's flyaway blonde hairs on her head before softly cradling her plump cheek in her hand.
"Well, sometimes we have to make sacrifices in life. Girls my age are all living it up in college right now, but I'm sacrificing any education to work because you need something stable in your life. And right now, we have to sacrifice our old home if we want to be able to eat or buy clothes or even new toys for you."
"I don't get it…"
Katy sighed. "Maya, some day when you're older and you understand better, I'll tell you. But for now, this is where we will live."
Maya sniffled, her lips starting to quiver a bit. She didn't want to move. And she was scared of this place.
"I know you're sad, baby girl, but look on the bright side. Even though we don't have much money, at least you can have your own room. You can even invite your new friend Riley to a sleepover here." Katy wiped away a tear on Maya's freckled cheek. "I'll work hard for you, okay? I know life won't be easy for us, but we have to make the best of our situation, okay?"
Maya nodded, rubbing her eyes with her sleeve to wipe away the tears.
"And hey. Guess what?"
"What?"
"This place only looks scary right now because we haven't fixed it up yet. Once we clean up the dust and get some furniture and repaint those walls and get some light in here, put up a couple pictures, and get rid of those nasty bugs, this place will look brand new! Doesn't that sound fun?"
A little smile appeared on Maya's face, and she nodded again.
Katy smiled warmly at her, lightly tapping her on the nose. "It's going to be hard, but Mommy's going to work hard and make sure you are happy, okay? I'm always going to be here with you.."
"You promise?"
"Yes I do."
"Pinky swear?" Maya asked, lifting up her pinky.
"Pinky swear." Katy said with a wide grin, locking her pinky with Maya's and shaking it slightly. "We'll stick together always. Just you and me, baby girl. Just you and me."
Maya stared at her mother, watching her with slightly widened eyes in surprise. Katy looked exhausted. There were bags under her eyes and her face was kind of pale.
Katy cleared her throat, her voice sounding a little hoarse. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to pick up something that you didn't bring." Maya replied, hugging her coat a little tighter around her. She didn't want her mother casting any other negative glares at Bean.
"Oh." Katy replied, stepping aside to let her in.
Maya walked past her to go get the portrait in the bedroom in the back. As she walked into the living room, she was entirely surprised that there was nothing Christmas-y about the apartment in the least. No decorations hanging crookedly from the ceiling. No smell of burnt cookies, no scent of bitter hot chocolate permeating the air. The TV was on, but the channel was set on some scientific channel and not on the Christmas specials.
As Maya walked toward the hallway, she noticed the pile of napkins on the floor near the couch and realized her mother probably had a cold. Usually when she got a cold, Maya would nurse her back to health. Had Katy been trying to take care of it on her own? Where was the menthol? Or the steaming honey tea with lemon?
"You have a cold?" Maya asked, a little worried.
"It's just a little one." Katy croaked a little sharply, sitting back down on the couch and staring at the TV.
Maya wanted to say something, but she held herself back, shaking her head.
She wouldn't get sentimental.
She couldn't forget that her mother didn't want her. And since that was the case, then Maya wanted nothing to do with her either.
Maya walked down the hallway and headed to Katy's room, pushing open the door. It looked like she hadn't used it in a while. The bed was perfectly made with the blankets tucked in and there was a thin, growing layer of dust on the wooden headboard. Had her mother been pulling extra shifts so she wouldn't come home or something?
A little concerned, despite the fact she tried to tell herself she shouldn't care, Maya crouched under the bed and reached her hand around until she felt the wooden frame of the portrait. She tugged it out slowly and held it up in front of her, smiling to herself that it was still in perfect condition, save for a few specks of dust here and there. Riley was going to love it. She tucked it inside her tote, making sure it was comfortably arranged so it wouldn't be damaged in transport.
As she left her mother's room, her eyes drifted to her own room door, slightly ajar. Morbid curiosity gripped her and she wondered, for some strange reason, what her room looked like. She knew most of her stuff was in Riley's room at this point. But she honestly was wondering what her roomed looked like now that there wasn't any life in it.
She padded over to the door and poked her head inside, glancing around. She had been right. Her room was fairly and oddly bare and untouched.
Except for her bed.
The sheets and covers were frumpy and ruffled and folded over themselves like someone had recently slept in them. And there was an open book resting on the pillow. Confused, she walked further in to take a look at the book. She was met with various random images of a blue eyed, blonde haired baby girl crawling on a fuzzy white carpet and crying and smearing food on her face and being given a bath.
It was her baby album.
Her fucking baby album.
"No..."
Maya inhaled unsteadily and spun around immediately, trying hard not to think about the implication of her baby pictures resting on her clearly used bed. She walked right out of her room and down the hall to the living room.
As she came out in the living room, her eyes immediately went to her mother, still sitting stiffly on the couch, her back to Maya. Something tugged in Maya's chest, and she swallowed thickly, knowing her anger at her mother had pretty much disappeared. Three weeks of anger. Evaporated so unbelievably fast. Maya wondered if she was ever actually angry at Katy's rejection to begin with. Because looking at her, the only thing Maya could think about was how much she wished she could have been sitting on that couch with her.
"I'm gonna go now."
Katy didn't respond.
Maya's words evaporated into thin air as if they had never existed.
Maya put her hand on the doorknob, almost leaving, but her hand stilled.
"You know… You're welcome to come to the Matthews to celebrate with us."
Maya looked over her shoulder and saw her mother was watching her from the side, something like regret passing through her eyes once again.
"I…" Katy started, turning back around to face the TV with a frown. She shook her head slowly. "I think you better go."
And Maya's throat tightened dangerously. She knew her eyes were watering.
But not because she was sad for herself.
There was something absolutely heartwrenching about seeing her mother sitting by herself on Christmas day without anyone to keep her company. They always spent Christmas with each other. It was their thing. They stuck together just the two of them. Well, at least until Maya had to fuck up everything and get pregnant. What had happened to them? They used to be so close and now, it was like there was a whole mountain between them, and it hurt. It honestly, truly hurt Maya to see that their relationship had crumbled so badly to the point they couldn't even be in the same room.
Maya spun around, walking around the couch to where her mother was sitting.
"Mom. I can stay with you today you know?" Maya said earnestly, almost begging, "I can stay with you just for today. We always stick together for Christmas."
Katy closed her eyes momentarily, her head turned slightly away from Maya, fists bunching the material of her dress. After letting out a deep breath, she stood up firmly, her expression displeased and closed off. Seeing her up close again, Maya wondered if her mother had always been that thin, that tired, and looking worn down. There was no vibrancy in her expression, no happiness in her eyes. Katy was only in her mid-thirties, yet for some reason, her eyes were jaded like she had been through an entire life and back already. How come Maya had never noticed it until now?
"I'd rather you didn't. Go Maya." Katy said firmly, her fists still tightly clenching her dress.
Katy was putting on airs. Maya could see it in her demeanor, like she wanted to say yes but she wouldn't. Why didn't she just say yes? Why didn't she just let Maya back into her life? They were supposed to be together forever. They were supposed to be each other's support and reliance, but Katy wouldn't let Maya in at all, and it was tearing her apart. Her mother was all she had left of her family.
Maya nodded, tears starting to pool on her lower lashes. "Alright… I-I understand."
And then Maya opened her bag and rummaged through it. She pulled out the ribboned box of chocolates she had bought the day before. The box of chocolates she had been planning to just ignore until Christmas passed.
"I didn't think I was going to give this to you. But I bought it anyway." Maya handed it to her, tears trailing down her cheek. "They're your favourites."
Katy took the box silently, her hands shaking as she stared at it.
Maya smiled slightly and then turned around, walking briskly to the door. As she opened it to leave, part of her desperately wanted to turn around and glance back at her mother. But the other part won out and she forced herself to remain resolute and not look back once because the noise Katy made as Maya crossed the threshold of the doorway sounded suspiciously like a sniffle, and Maya knew if she turned around, she herself would break down.
Maya walked away from the apartment, roughly wiping her eyes with her sleeve. She couldn't let this affect her like that.
Katy still didn't want her around. So Maya would put this behind her and would keep her distance until she did.
…If she ever did.
~.~.~
Maya walked into the Matthews apartment feeling a little drained. It was like all her cheerfulness from finding out Jellybean was a girl was sucked out of her from her interaction with her mother. Was this the way it was going to be from now on? Everything having to do with Katy would dishearten her?
She took off her coat with a sigh and set it on the rack beside the door before shutting it. The rest of the Matthews didn't seem to have arrived from Pennsylvania yet. Auggie and Ava were sitting nonchalantly cuddled on the couch watching one of the holiday specials playing on TV. Topanga was hurriedly bustling in the kitchen, checking the food in the oven and mixing things at the pot, but when she heard the door close, she turned to Maya.
"Maya, you're back?"
Ava turned to Maya and her eyebrows lifted in surprise.
"Whoa. You're pregnant, Blondie?"
Maya nodded, checking her phone to see if Riley had texted her. "I'm having a girl."
Topanga smiled, "Jellybean is a girl? Congratulations Maya."
"Wait." Auggie interjected, looking shocked out of his mind. "You're pregnant? This whole time, I thought you were just getting kind of fat, Maya."
Maya shot Auggie a dirty look, and he shrugged sheepishly.
"You have no tact. Why am I even with you?" Ava slapped his arm, giving him a disgusted glare. She smiled charmingly at Maya. "I think that babies are just wonderful. Make sure to name her Ava, okay?"
"You'll have to take that up with Riley." Maya sighed, walking around the couch to where Topanga was. "Where is everyone?"
"Well, Alan and the others are still on the road. Cory and Shawn left a while ago. Said they had to run an 'errand', though I have no doubt, Cory forgot to buy me a present…" she grumbled, stirring the lumpy gravy in the pot. "Riley went to go put Christmas cards in our neighbours' mailboxes."
Maya didn't say anything in response, just sitting dejectedly at the table and Topanga turned around, concern on her face.
"Maya? You're a little pale. You want something to eat?"
"I'm not really hungry." Maya said, tracing the little scratch marks on the dinner table.
"Maya's not hungry?" Auggie snorted, "This coming from the girl who ate almost half of our Thanksgiving Day turkey and pretty much all the stuffing?"
"Auggie. We're done." Ava said coldly, prying herself out from under his arm and standing up to leave.
"What the heck did I do?"
Ava turned up her nose with a humph! and stormed out of the apartment.
"Ava, wait." Auggie groaned in exasperation, running after her to fix whatever the problem was now.
Topanga chuckled lightly in amusement before turning back to Maya. She set her hand on her forehead, checking to see if she might have been running a fever.
"You don't seem to be running hot." Topanga said, worry on her face, "Do you feel sick? Come on, let's have you lie down for a bit okay?"
Topanga cut off the stove and then helped Maya as she stood. They walked to Riley's room. Maya set her bag down and climbed on the bed, lying on her side as Topanga rubbed her back.
"Maya, what's wrong? You look a little down."
"My mom." Maya said, staring out the window. "I went back home to pick something up."
"Are you okay?"
"Well yes. And no. She seems kind of lonely… And it just makes me feel like I should be there with her, even if we're not on the best terms right now. But she still didn't want me there." Maya's vision blurred with tears, "We only have each other in this city. Yet on Christmas Day, we're not even together…"
"Oh Maya…" Topanga sighed.
"I just wish she would open up to me." Maya glanced down at her tummy. "Open up to us… The way things are now, it seems like she won't ever want to know Jellybean. And that hurts…"
They stayed there in silence for a bit, Maya using her palms to wipe away the tears in her eyes.
"Shit…" she said, sniffling heavily, "I thought I was over what happened weeks ago, but I'm not. My mom really doesn't want me."
"You can't say that." Topanga said, stroking her back soothingly, "If she really didn't want you at all, don't you think she would have completely and totally rejected you? Not even talked to you?"
Or have been looking my baby pictures…
"I just don't know what to do..."
"There's nothing you can do but give her time." Topanga said softly. "Until then, you can only hope she'll come around eventually and let you back in."
Riley's door opened then, and Shawn walked in with a wide smile, Cory in tow looking somewhat nervous.
"Hey kiddo! Haven't seen you in a…while?"
Shawn tapered off, watching her with complete surprise on his face. Even without looking in his direction, Maya knew he was staring at her abdomen. A quick glance his way proved her suspicions indeed correct.
"Maya, y-you're pregnant?" Shawn asked incredulously. "…How?"
She swallowed thickly and sat up slowly, trying to adopt a smile though she knew her hands were shaking. She'd already had to tell several important people what had happened to her and each time had been just as nerve-wracking and just as scary as the last, and this was no exception. The worst part about it was the slight mortification on Shawn's face. Unlike the blank expressions of the others she had told, she could see his unease clear as day.
"C'mon Shawn." She laughed a little nervously. "You don't know how babies are made?"
His mouth snapped shut and turned down in a frown, and Maya grimaced, knowing how ill-timed her joke really was.
"Maya what the hell happened?"
His tone wasn't necessarily disparaging, but it wasn't exactly pleased and Maya realized that he didn't want any beating around the bush or messing around. He wanted the exact truth from her; she could tell.
"I was careless. And now I'm having a baby girl." Maya held his serious gaze, forcing her fright down. "And I'm going to raise her."
He stared at her in shock for a moment before running his hand through his short hair and taking a seat at the window, letting out a deep, ragged sigh. Maya swallowed down the feelings of fear pervading her mind, but she felt a little comfort when Topanga lightly squeezed her shoulder. Cory flanked her on the other side, sitting next to her and giving her gentle rubs on the back.
"Are you disappointed in me?" Maya said, looking at the rug, "You wouldn't be the first."
"I'm going to be honest." Shawn said apologetically, "I would be lying if I said I wasn't. I kind of am disappointed in you, Maya."
She felt a sting of pain, knowing that his words had deeply affected her. Tears prickled the back of her eyes, but she forced herself to try to take deep even breaths.
"I mean, it's good that you're going to try to raise your child, and you're taking responsibility for your actions and all, but Maya. Do you not realize what that means?"
"Hey Shawn? Can you take it a little easy on her?" Topanga cut in with a frown. "Katy kicked her out. She's had it a little rough."
"Your mom kicked you out?"
Maya nodded, looking up to gauge his expression. He didn't look particularly angry or pissed off at her, but he wasn't smiling. And he definitely did not look like he would be offering any sympathy. Which oddly enough, after having had to deal with so many people on either extreme of the spectrum, it was a little refreshing.
"In October." Maya placed her hand on her abdomen, rubbing it lightly. "Mom told me I could come back if I gave my baby up."
"And you've been living here since then?" He looked appalled. "How far along are you?"
"Sixteen weeks."
Shawn cursed under his breath with an exasperated sigh before giving Cory and Topanga confused looks.
"So you've been keeping Maya here since October, living in Riley's room and sharing her bed without any thoughts or consequence to where she'll be able to go after the baby is born?"
Maya was absolutely positive all three of them sitting on the bed stiffened in shock at the force of his words.
"Look, I know you guys mean well, but let's face it Cory and Topanga, you both are too close to the situation. You need to be real here. Are you going to keep letting Maya share a bed with Riley as she keeps growing? What happens when she can no longer really control her bladder? Or she gets really large and can't sleep comfortably in the same bed as Riley?"
"We'll buy her a new one?" Cory suggested.
"That's not the point." Shawn frowned. "What I'm saying is, right now, you have no qualms accommodating Maya because you haven't thought ahead, but what happens when she has the baby? Where is the baby going to stay? Where is she going to stay? Are you guys planning on buying all the things she needs to care for this baby? Think about what raising Riley and Auggie was like. You know what babies entail. Not only do you have an extra mouth to feed because of Maya, but then you'll have two extra mouths to feed. And what are you going to do? Just have her live with you in Riley's room as Maya raises the kid? Get real. All of you.
"This isn't a fairy tale. This is real life. Maya and her baby won't be able to live comfortably here. Especially as the baby starts to grow up."
"Shawn, I get what you're saying." Topanga said, "But you don't understand the situation. Maya literally has nowhere else to go. What were we going to do? Leave her out on the streets while pregnant?"
"I know… I'm not saying you guys did the wrong thing. I'm just saying you're not thinking about what should actually happen." He turned to face Maya, his expression a little solemn. "Maya, it's very brave of you to decide to keep the baby, but look at the situation. Babies are a lot of work, and even though you might think you've got it under control right now, it will get difficult."
Shawn glanced at Topanga, "You of all people should know that more than ever. You juggled law school and Riley at the same time. Maybe you both don't remember how stressed you were, but I do. I remember you crying to Cory all the time. I remember you almost giving up your dream of a career in law because you thought mothering was too difficult to handle with full time studies. I remember how you guys struggled financially for quite a while before you joined the firm because having the baby sucked you dry."
"Shawn…" Cory started. "Although it was very hard, we had specific difficulties because we were on our own in New York. Maya has the father supporting her, her friends to take care of her, and all of us grownups to watch out for her and help her get through this."
"But can you really support her? You both will be stretched thin. You've already got Riley going to college next year. Can you really afford taking care of Maya and the baby?" Shawn pressed. "Look Maya. Though I don't condone your mother giving you an ultimatum on whether you can go home, she has a point. Raising a child isn't a walk in the park. You'll have insane responsibilities with how you'll provide for your child, not just as a baby, but growing up as well. I'm talking food, clothes, schooling and all it entails. And what about the father? If he's supporting you, how do you want him in the life of your child? Do you want him to be active, because if that's the case, then you both will need to start thinking about finding a place of your own. Which will be expensive."
Maya looked down at the carpet again. She knew everything he was saying was right. He had a point. She just hadn't wanted to think about those things yet.
"You have it somewhat easy right now because of everyone helping you, but you need to remember that it's one thing to just say you can raise the baby and have the resolve to do so, but it's a whole other to execute it." Shawn sighed, looking a little conflicted. "I think how you're handling your pregnancy is pretty mature, but I don't know if I'm totally on board with you keeping the baby to raise."
Maya's eyes shot up to his in alarm, feeling her heart race. What was he saying? That he thought she should give up the baby? She could feel her eyes burning in the back and she berated herself once again for crying. But not having the approval of her mentor/uncle was like a stab in the hand with a knife.
"Shawn!" Topanga scolded when she felt Maya go rigid.
"Before you think I'm saying you should send the baby for adoption," he hastened to explain himself, "I'm not. This isn't disapproval. I'm just saying you have a lot of things to think about before you make up your mind on whether you should keep your baby. And you need to have a long conversation with this father so you can figure out what you're doing. Because you're almost half way through and you're running out of time. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"I get it…" Maya muttered, wiping her eyes with her sleeve with a sniffle, "I get it… It's just kind of a shock to hear from you."
His gaze softened, and he gave her a soft smile, "Maya, I know it sounded a little rough. And I'm sorry if I hurt you, but this was something you needed to hear. I still will support you however I can help."
Maya nodded, giving him a small, watery smile. "I know. And thank you. You really put things into perspective."
"Just out of curiosity, who's the baby daddy?"
"That's not important." She responded quickly, eyeing Cory nervously who was starting to shift uncomfortably in his seat.
"Spill Maya." Shawn said, raising a brow.
"Lucas."
"The Texas boy?"
"Yeah…"
There was a long silence following her confession where Shawn's face dropped into a glower. For a split second, Maya was reminded of that moment more than a month ago when Cory had come to realize who had impregnated her. And she knew what was about to happen even before it did.
"…I'll be back." Shawn growled through grit teeth, shooting to his feet and storming out of Riley's room.
"Cory, go stop him!" Topanga said, face-palming.
"Right." Cory stood up and raced out of the door to dissuade Shawn from going after him.
Maya let out a sigh of relief, honestly so glad that Lucas had already left for Texas the day before.
"You know, Shawn really did mean well, even though I don't agree with some of the things he said." Topanga said, giving her a smile, "Even with a baby, Maya, we will be willing to help accommodate your needs."
"I know you would." Maya said, returning the smile as she laid back down on her side.
Which is exactly why Jellybean and I won't burden you with our baggage once she's born.
"But one thing he is right about is how you're going to juggle school." Topanga continued, tugging off Maya's shoes to help her feel more comfortable. "I know you told me you're not going to college, but what about Lucas? What is he planning on doing?"
"I don't know. It's not something that's ever really come up in conversation." Maya knew he had decided to only apply to schools in or near New York City after he found out about the baby, but she wasn't really sure how that whole arrangement would work if he was going to try to raise Jellybean with her. "But I want him to finish his schooling and become a vet like he's wanted. I was originally planning to raise this kid on my own, but he just jumped aboard the train before I could figure out how he was going to be factored into the equation."
"Hmmm, I see." Topanga said gently, leaning over and smoothing Maya's hair out of her face as she yawned. "Then the next time you two talk, that's something you should figure out, okay?"
Maya nodded slowly, her eyes drooping shut as her exhaustion started to take over her body. All that walking around all day had made her body sore. And her lower back was starting to feel a little tight. And her feet were kind of aching. Damn she needed a nap.
"You think you'll be able to wake up for dinner?"
"…Doubt it." Maya mumbled.
"Do you want me to wake you up when it's time?"
Honestly, she wasn't really sure she wanted to have Christmas dinner with the rest of the Matthews. She knew they considered her family, and it didn't bother her to be a part of the celebration. Afterall, she was the Shawn to Riley's Cory. It wasn't that she didn't feel welcome. But her mother was spending her Christmas with a cold inside an empty apartment, and it just didn't feel right for her to enjoy herself.
"Eat without me. I'll be fine."
"On Christmas? You sure, Maya?"
Maya nodded again, letting out another loud yawn.
"Alright." Topanga said, standing up and walking to the door and cutting off the lights, "When you get hungry, there'll be food for you, sweetie."
"…thanks…" Maya muttered, snuggling further into the pillow.
The door closed softly behind Topanga, and Maya tried not to think too hard about all that had been discussed. It was weighing down her mind and making her worry a lot more than she had ever been. Even more than before she had decided to tell Lucas she was pregnant. She was scared. Maya knew what being pregnant entailed, but she'd forgotten about the part afterwards, where she would bring a child to the world and would have to actually raise a human into adulthood. She didn't think about all the changes that meant. She was actually responsible for the growth of another human now.
If she were to be completely honest with herself, she no longer felt so confident or ready for Jellybean to arrive.
~.~.~
Maya was roused from her loose, uncomfortable sleep by the loud ringer of her cellphone. Her eyes slid open tiredly, and she looked out the window, a little surprised to see that night had already fallen and the sky was dark. If she really focused her hearing, she could hear the patrons in the living room celebrating and chatting. Maya groaned a little when she felt a small tightening in her abdomen. A Braxton Hicks contraction, no doubt. She'd been getting them infrequently for a while now. She rolled over onto her side and it stopped.
Her stomach growled lightly. But she honestly didn't feel any pangs of hunger in particular. And quite honestly, she just wasn't in any mood to eat anything at the moment. Maybe some ice cream… But for the most part, she just felt lethargic and a little down in the dumps. And although she really was craving that ice cream, she just didn't feel like getting up and walking to the living room. She'd have to converse with people. And she just wanted to wallow.
She sighed when her phone ringtone started playing again and she slipped her hand in her bag beside the bed, picking up the phone to answer the call.
"Hello?" she said a little groggily, still trying to rub the sleepiness from her eyes.
"Were you taking a nap? I tried calling you earlier, but you didn't pick up."
And her heart started racing when she heard Lucas' amused voice through the phone. She sat up abruptly, feeling a blush rise on her face.
"I was trying to."
"Sorry. Did I wake up?"
"It's fine. I couldn't really sleep anyway. It's getting harder to find a decent position." Maya had always been a stomach sleeper, really. She wasn't used to sleeping on her back, but that was the only position she thought was appropriate. She didn't want to crush Jellybean accidentally. She was honestly scared to sleep on her side too, in case she accidentally rolled around and ended up on her belly.
"Riley told me you were having trouble sleeping." Lucas responded, sounding worried, "Apparently you've been talking in your sleep about your mom."
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"You're doing that thing again where you worry about everything I do. Stop it, Huckleberry." She snapped. "You called me so many times today I almost threw my phone into the gutter. I hope this doting thing doesn't continue throughout second semester because I really am coming close to kicking your ass."
"As far as I'm concerned," he said in an annoyingly arrogant sounding tone, "It's Papa Bear day. So your threats are unjustified."
"Ten calls in one day though? We're supposed to be on vacation. I need a vacation from you!"
"That's not going to happen." He snorted. "Anyway, how was your appointment?"
"It was good." She grinned. "Jellybean's a girl."
"We're having a girl?"
Maya felt her cheeks burn. He hadn't said anything special in particular, but there was something about his tone, all excited and warm and loving and the fact that he had said we that made her want to smile like an idiot.
"Yeah…" Maya whispered, laying her hand on her abdomen and gently rubbing it. "Our baby girl."
And suddenly, she was overcome with the wish that Lucas could be with her. That they could be cuddling together or something, sharing this moment and her heart swelled as she thought about how much she had really come to like him. It was a very intense type of want, one that made her palms sweaty and throat dry. It kind of scared her to be honest, and she took a huge gulp of air, trying to calm down.
"I…" she swallowed. "L-Lucas, umm…"
"Maya?"
"Lucas… I…"
"Yes, Maya?"
"I… I'm uh… I'm really happy you're here for me." she concluded, mentally berating herself for being so pathetic. How the hell hard was it to tell someone you liked them? Shit… this was just like revealing her pregnancy all over again. Except that a rejection from this would probably break her heart. "You'll make a great father to Jellybean."
"You think so? I think I'd probably spoil her too much."
Maya snorted. "That's exactly what I thought. You'd treat her like your little princess."
And then Maya remembered the daunting conversation she'd had with Shawn, Topanga, and Cory about where she was supposed to go from there. Her mood slipped a little.
She sighed. "Can I ask you something?"
"What's wrong?"
"Shawn found out about my pregnancy. And he gave me some serious advice. It just got me thinking." She paused. "Are we actually ready to raise a child and teach them about the world? It's one thing to talk about this like it's some game, but truthfully speaking, are we even ready to be parents?"
He was silent for a little spell, though she knew he was still on the phone because she could hear his breathing.
"…Probably not." he responded honestly, "But I don't think we're not ready at all though."
"What?"
"We haven't had too much time to think about stuff or do research, but that was because we were still coming to terms with the pregnancy. Now that things have more or less stabilized, I think if we start thinking about it, things will go alright."
"But then there's the whole fact that we'll have to buy everything this baby needs."
"So we'll get jobs. The animal shelter I volunteer at is looking for part-time workers. I'll apply."
"And college?"
"Honestly, I'm still working out the details for that, but I don't want to be that selfish father who leaves you to care for her while I'm off in classes all day." He sighed. "It might be best if I take a year off or something."
"No…" Maya argued. "Lucas, you had a plan to become a vet before you found out about Jellybean. I don't want you to change everything you've already set."
"But if I continue school, you'd have to watch her by yourself during the day or at least until my classes are done."
"And that's fine. I'm sure if the positions were reversed, you'd do the same for me in a heartbeat." Maya asserted. "I want you to get to vet school as soon as possible so you can reach your goals."
"…I'll think about it, okay? But I really don't want to leave you by yourself."
"I'm not some helpless animal, you know?"
"I know you're not Maya." He agreed, snickering a bit, "But what are you going to do if you can't get to the top of a cabinet or can't reach something up high?"
"…How did I know you were going to crack those stupid jokes?"
Lucas laughed, and Maya shook her head in amusement. What was it about Lucas that always managed to cheer her up without any difficulty?
"You know, Shawn also brought up the living arrangement." Maya said, feeling the stupid blush start creeping up her neck once again, "I mean, if we're going to raise Jellybean together, we should live together, right?"
"Uh…" Lucas cleared his throat, sounding a little flustered. "Maybe we should talk about that in person when I get back."
"Yeah." she said a little awkwardly, "That might be for the best."
"In the meantime, we might have to start a financial planning list for everything baby related. It might be hard Maya, but I feel like we've got this under control."
"You've been thinking about this a lot, haven't you?" Maya asked, feeling almost completely at ease. "How are you so sure of this parenting thing?"
"Because believe it or not, I can actually see this working. Maybe we're being reckless, but despite the fact that Jellybean came along because we were careless, she's still our baby. And the only thing I want to see is her taking her first steps and saying her first words and growing up. That's enough for me to give my all for her."
Maya sniffled, feeling herself start to get emotional. Stupid Lucas was warming her heart so much she felt like breaking down and crying. Lucas yawned after a few beats of silence.
"Do you feel better now?" he asked, sounding particularly sleepy. "You were doubting your ability to raise Jellybean, right?"
"Yeah. I feel better." She smiled. "Why do you sound so tired, Huckleberry?"
"Jet lag…"
"That's ridiculous. You're one time zone away."
"It always gets me…" He tapered off, his voice getting more quiet.
Maya didn't hear anything else from him and wondered if he had fallen asleep because he had gone silent.
"Hey Ranger Rick."
There was no response.
"Are you asleep?"
There was still no response.
Maya rolled her eyes. He would fall asleep in the middle of their conversation.
"You know, I thought this was Papa Bear day?" she snarked, "You're losing your hours if you sleep."
He didn't respond and Maya sighed. He really was asleep then. And then she felt a little emboldened by the fact that he wasn't awake.
"Okay, I'm only saying this because you're asleep. I honestly wish I could tell you to your face but I'm scared." Maya took a deep breath. "So here it is: I like you, Lucas. A lot. And I've liked you since homecoming, but probably even way before that because for the longest time, I've had this intense aggravating want to be near you at all times and I've been feeling this happiness with you for years, but I didn't know what it was back then, and I have no idea how to tell you because you're so stupid and attractive and stupidly attractive, and I don't want to burden you with how I feel about you. Merry Christmas."
There. She had said it. Even if he hadn't heard a word, that was a load off her chest.
"You think your feelings would ever be a burden to me?"
And Maya gasped sharply when Lucas responded. She had not been expecting an answer. Holy shit. Had he just heard everything she had said to him?
"Y-You weren't asleep?" she stuttered, appalled that he had heard her.
"I stood up to close my door for a second."
"Shit…"
"You like me."
She could just see the shit eating grin on his face through his voice.
"I only said it because—"
"Do you know how long I've been holding back on telling you how I felt?" Lucas said, sounding extremely happy. "I waited so long to tell you until you were ready or at least you acknowledged your own feelings. Maya. I like you too. A lot. I've liked you since junior year even when you were still dating that dumbass Jeffrey. Hell even before that."
Maya's pulse started racing.
"I meant what I said that night, you know. I want you. All of you."
She opened her mouth to speak and then snapped it shut, her face erupting in a deep blush at the implication of his words.
"Wh-what are you saying?" she stuttered out, "You don't know what you're saying right now."
"I know exactly what I'm saying. I said I want you. Whether you choose to accept that or not is your decision, but I heard you say you like me, and I know you reciprocate."
Maya tried to control herself and the situation and forced her face to be neutral.
"Okay. So we like each other. It's not that big of a deal…"
"I was just kind of hoping when I told you, it could have been in person so I could kiss you right afterwards."
A bout of fresh red lit up her cheeks once again and she almost dropped the phone, her hand shaking at the idea.
"But it's no matter." His voice dropped so he was speaking softly, deliberately slowly and Maya almost gasped. If she closed her eyes, it felt like he was right beside her ear, whispering intimately to her. "Because as soon as I see you, the first thing I'm going to do is kiss you."
"What?" She was a little shocked by how forward he was being. "Okay, are you drunk?"
"No. And I mean it. I don't care where we are Maya. As soon as I find you, I'm going to kiss the fuck out of you like I've always wanted to since that night."
She squirmed in her seated position, her eyes wide and body tingling from his words. Lucas was unintentionally turning her on and it was a shock, because she hadn't felt any arousal in several weeks now. What the hell had he done to her?
"We'll see about that, Huckleberry." she said, not altogether playfully. She really was planning on hiding from him. She was nervous dammit! Give her a break. Lucas had just flipped her world over on its axis. She still was finding it hard to believe that he actually liked her. "I could just avoid you again."
"I know you will." he said, treacherously low, "But that's not going to stop me."
Her breath hitched, and he chuckled softly.
"Maya, I have to go. My dad wants me downstairs. But, I'll call you in a week."
"Okay." she said, voice barely above a whisper.
She hung up the phone with slightly wide eyes after Lucas ended the call. She was a little mortified if she thought about the end of their conversation, and her pulse was racing a bit faster than was normal. Lucas liked her? It was just so hard to believe, especially when she was Maya the Screw Up. But part of her knew that it was true. Deep down, she had always known how he felt about her. She just never wanted to acknowledge it.
But shit.
Despite how confidently Maya carried herself, being kissed by Lucas scared the shit out of her. It was one thing for him to kiss her when drunk, but another completely sober where she would remember everything about it. Would she even be able to breathe after the fact?
With a long, deep intake of breath, Maya made up her mind.
She would avoid him like the plague.
Who cared if her cut and run method was cowardly? She was terrified. This was the first guy she had ever liked this much. And he reciprocated. And he wanted to kiss her and though she'd always dreamed of kissing Lucas several times, she was not ready.
The door opened, and Riley poked her head in.
"Maya? You awake? We all missed you at dinner."
"I'm awake." Maya said, clearing her throat, "And I just wasn't hungry."
Riley walked in and flicked the lights on.
"What's wrong? Your face is red." Riley sat beside her, lightly placing her hand on her forehead.
"I accidentally confessed…" Maya muttered quietly. "Lucas told me he liked me back."
"About time." Riley rolled her eyes, laying back on the bed.
"Wait." Maya followed suit, giving Riley an odd look. "You knew? You knew he liked me this whole time?"
"Well… During homecoming, he asked to dance with you. And he was looking at you like you were his whole world... I kind of made the connection when I remembered what he had said about the girl he wanted to be with."
"Was I really oblivious this whole time…?" Maya muttered, suddenly feeling very shy all of a sudden. But really, she hadn't been oblivious, had she? She'd had a feeling he liked her. She had just chosen to ignore it.
"You're so cute Maya." Riley gushed, playfully pinching her cheek. "Well, what did you say?"
She swatted Riley's hand away. "I told him I was going to hide."
"Maya, really? You already tried this whole avoiding thing before. You know how that turned out."
"Riley, I'm scared. He was saying all this stuff how he wanted all of me–"
Riley squealed, covering her mouth in excitement, and Maya blushed, embarrassed by the words once again.
"–and he all but said he was going to hunt me down when we got back from break."
"Maya and Lucas sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Riley teased, "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the…"
Maya side-eyed her, raising a brow, and Riley chuckled nervously, realizing what she had just said.
"Oh." She grinned, "I guess that's a little inappropriate to sing…"
Maya rolled her eyes and turned on her side so she was facing Riley.
"Nevermind my Lucas problem right now. I'm worried, Riles."
"About what?" Riley asked.
"The future used to look kind of bright, but now it's just so unclear and foggy that I'm scared." Maya muttered, staring at the lopsided reindeer on Riley's Christmas sweater. "What's going to happen when I have this baby…"
"I can't give you any answers Maya. Because I don't know…" Riley said, tracing the jagged lines of the ceiling with her eyes, "We can't predict the future. But I know whatever happens, everything will work out."
She rolled onto her side too and took Maya's hand with a warm smile. "It's okay to be scared. I'm scared for you too. But you have us all to support you so that you won't have to go through this alone."
"Riley, you're the best, you know?" Maya smiled. "Thank you."
"You're very welcome." Riley glanced down at Maya's abdomen. "By the way, how was the appointment?"
"It went great. Also, Jellybean's a girl."
Riley squealed happily, "Yes! Do you know what this means? Late night gossiping with my goddaughter about cute boys!"
"Settle down there, Riley." Maya drawled, "She won't even be old enough to be thinking about boys for a long time."
Riley giggled. "Sorry. Got a little ahead of myself there."
"So? Got any suggestions for the name, then?"
"I have a few I've thought about." Riley's brows furrowed as she thought about it. "But it doesn't feel right yet. I'll think of the perfect one and then I'll let you know. I want it to be special. One that means something important for you."
"Alright then. I'm looking forward to hearing the name you choose."
Riley sighed. "Things are really going to be different from here on out, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess so." Maya responded, "That's life for you."
Riley nodded and they laid there in silence for a few moments, lost in their thoughts.
"Oh. By the way, I have your present." Maya said, breaking the silence after a while.
"Good." Riley grinned. "I have yours too."
"Count of three?"
"Yupp."
"One, two, three."
They let go of each other, turning over their respective sides of the bed to pick up their present for the other. Maya pulled up the mosaic portrait from her bag and lifted it to her lap, sitting up slowly to make sure it didn't get damaged. As soon as Riley sat back up as well, they immediately traded gifts, eyes closed so they wouldn't ruin the surprise.
"You first." Maya said, peeking at Riley out of the corner of her squinted eye.
Riley opened her eyes and gasped as she looked at the gift. Her eyes filled with tears as she stared at it and she shook her head slowly.
"Maya, this is incredible…" she glanced at her, a few tears falling down her cheeks, "You made this for me?"
"So you wouldn't forget me when you were off on your college adventure."
"Maya, how will I ever be able to live without you?" Riley blubbered, and then she let out a laugh, "Look at my gift to you."
Maya opened her eyes and looked at the thing in her hand.
It was the fair photo from when they were children. The original one that Maya thought had been lost ages ago. They'd gotten each other the same gift. In different form, but the same.
Maya could feel her fingers shaking a little bit. "How did you…"
"I know you were bummed about it being lost, so I looked everywhere for it. Found it. So that even while I'm off on my college adventure, you know I'll always be thinking about you."
Maya knew her eyes were welling with tears well before they started to tumble down her cheeks. She whimpered slightly and dropped her head into the crook Riley's shoulder, wrapping her arms around her neck.
"Maya, you're making me cry harder." Riley said, her voice quivering as she reciprocated the hug.
Maya laughed and sobbed into Riley's shoulder.
"These are at least happy tears right?" Riley sniffled, "Please tell me these are at least happy tears?"
"They're bittersweet."
Fuck, Maya hated being an emotional wreck.
She and her mother had both broken promises to each other, and Katy had deserted her. Maya honestly didn't know when or how their relationship would finally mend. But at least she knew she could count on a constant: Riley being in her life.
She was so lucky to have all these caring people in her life to help her and take care of her. And though the absence of her mother and lack of her mother's support left a gaping hole in her heart, everyone was working hard to fill it up.
And that meant more to her than anything else in the world.