A/N: Still responding to PMs and stuff! I promise I am not ignoring anyone! Also this is also a roughly written chapter and also needs to be revised and worked on. Apologies for that, but I'm having trouble focusing because I'm drowsy lol! But I thought why not just write the next part right now since it's the freakin' weekend anyway. So I wrote it in a couple hours. Hope it's decent enough.
There's an iCarly reference in this chapter somewhere. If you can find it, you win a patented Tiramisuspice Bear Hug©! (When I'm healthy of course lol. I don't want to get anyone else sick).
You all are just wonderful people and I owe everything to you for just being so sweet and encouraging and helping me step out of my writing shell. It means so much to me that you guys read my stories and review and I'm happy that this story means something to you. Thank you for all of your patience and the kind reviews. Thanks for the well wishes for my sickness! I wholeheartedly appreciate everything you all have done for me, mes chéries :D
Disclaimer: I do not own GMW, but Lucaya is bae.
Maya stared out the window of her room, listening to the sounds of the busy streets of New York and trying to focus her thoughts. They were pretty scattered at the moment, and Maya was honestly having some trouble figuring out how to center them, but she figured it was just because she was still a little stuck on the conversations she'd had earlier that morning.
But she couldn't lie that thinking in general made her fatigued, and she had taken a nap for a few hours when she felt a little too dizzy to stay up. It had been a restless sleep, her dreams slowly morphing into the nightmare of her falling down the concrete steps of the subway each time they started. It was like her mind wouldn't let her forget that memory.
And it was terrifying.
Each time she reached the moment after the ground rose to meet her and she collided with the pavement, she would gasp awake, her eyes flying open, her breathing harsh and body trembling slightly from the memory. The worst thing about the situation was that she was pretty tired, but yet she couldn't sleep. She was honestly concerned and wondered if having the nightmares for the rest of time was her fate.
Maya had woken up a few minutes earlier and had decided maybe the reason why she couldn't sleep was there was too much stuff running through her mind to truly be able to relax and let her sleep take control of her. Hence her staring out the window and trying to calm down her reckless thoughts with the soothing and familiar sounds of the city.
But she had a feeling that there would be no reprieve from her racing thoughts until she went to see Jellybean.
But she was too scared to without Lucas.
Therefore, she knew what she needed was Lucas. Not just because his reassurance was definitely comforting, but also because she was beginning to think he truly had decided he no longer wanted anything to do with her, and she needed proof that it wasn't true.
But why had he left?
Her thoughts were interrupted when she suddenly heard voices bickering in the corridor. They were growing louder with each second that passed as they approached her door. And in slight surprise, Maya realized she recognized the voices as Riley and Farkle's.
"Not like that! Be careful not to drop it!"
"Quiet, Riley. You'll wake the dead with how loud you're being."
"Not funny, Farkle. We're in a hospital. In the ICU."
"Wait, I swear I didn't mean it like that!"
Then Riley and Farkle appeared in her doorway, lugging with them a flat screen TV.
"Maya! You're awake." Riley greeted, waving happily with one hand. "Did you talk to Uncle Shawn yet? He's got news."
"Riley!" Farkle exclaimed, "Keep your hand on the TV!"
With a squeak of surprise, Riley quickly replaced her hand before it crashed to the ground, and Maya snorted in amusement at Riley's scatterbrained antics while the two of them stumbled around for a few seconds, trying to catch their balance and prevent dropping the TV. Farkle looked about one hundred percent done at the moment, and Maya wondered how long they had been lugging the TV around.
And speaking of TVs…
"Yeah I spoke to him. I can't believe he's sacrificing that much for me." Maya said, pulling the covers off of her legs and sitting up slowly, being careful not to move too much and bother her healing abdomen, "What's with the TV?"
"Well, we figured you'd need some entertainment if you were going to be stuck here for a while." Riley started, walking slowly with Farkle through the door towards to the table with some 'get well soon' gifts.
"And I suppose I don't need a TV in my room for the time being." Farkle added, "So we thought we'd bring you this since you don't have one in your room."
"You guys…" Maya said, smiling, "You shouldn't have."
"Of course we should have, no question about it. We want you to feel comfortable." Farkle dismissed her comment. "I'm going back to school to pick up some of the get well soon presents people have been leaving you at school."
Well that was surprising.
"What?"
"Yeah, pretty much everyone knows about what happened to you." Riley said, "Some girls were apparently making fun of you and making comments about how happy they were you weren't showing up at school and then Missy went nuts and got her posse on them and forced them to apologize for being so rude without knowing what happened to you. Ever since people at school found out, they've been sending you gifts and stuff since your accident."
"Ms. Kossal offered to keep them all in her classroom, but there are too many now and she requested I give them to you especially since you're awake now." Farkle continued.
"That's really nice of her and the other students." Maya said.
"Well, you are her favourite student."
Riley and Farkle made their way around to the part of the table not occupied with stuff. They set the TV on the table carefully and then stepped back, letting out relieved sighs from the weight being removed from their hands. After Farkle plugged in the TV and the TV logo popped up on the screen before it showed a channel, Riley let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness. I thought we'd broken it in transport." Riley said.
"We?" Farkle rose a brow at her. "Riley, you ran it into the wall when we rounded corners. Three times. If it was broken, I'd say it was your fault."
"Tomato, to-mah-to." Riley waved off his comment before taking the remote out of his hand and walking to Maya. She leaned down and gave Maya a quick kiss on the cheek before handing it to her. "How do you feel today, Maya?"
"Right now? I feel… like Farkle needs to come over and give me a hug because I haven't seen him in a while." Maya outstretched her arms with a pout. "Where's my hug, Farkle?"
Farkle made his way over to Maya before leaning down and giving her a tight squeeze. Maya wrapped her arms around his shoulders, letting him rock her slightly back and forth.
"I missed you Farkle…" she muttered.
"Yeah… Me too. I never knew how hard it was not having you around being your sarcastic, fierce self until you suddenly weren't there." Farkle sniffled slightly, and in alarm, Maya pulled back, a little surprised by how quickly his demeanor had changed.
"Farks… Are you crying?"
His eyes were red rimmed as he looked at her, and Maya felt her heart twist in her chest. Farkle didn't cry. He never did. For as long as she'd known him, she'd never seen him cry once. The fear and pain and anguish in the depth of his azure gaze was heartwrenching and made Maya's eyes sting with tears as she stared up at him, a little speechless. Riley smiled warmly, reaching forward and resting her hands on both their shoulders comfortingly.
"You're one of my best friends, Maya. I may be a robot, but I'm not immune to emotions. I thought you were going to die. And you're awake right now, and it's just such a relief."
"…I love you, Farkle." Maya said, pulling him in for another hug.
"I love you too, Maya. Please don't ever scare me like that again."
Maya rubbed his back, relishing in his warmth before he pulled away. Maya smiled a little goofy, trying to bring back some levity in the situation after that painful reunion.
"I'm gonna miss you when you go to Harvard."
"Hey," Farkle smiled. "Even if I'm gone, I'll still be charting and tracking everything in your life and Jellybean's growth. I'm your personal doctor, aren't I?"
Maya nodded.
"Seriously, Maya if you ever need anything just call, and I'll have my dad send a helicopter so I can get to you right away."
Maya chuckled and wiped some tears out of her eyes. What was with all this emotional crap happening to her again? She would have thought after all the crying she'd done throughout her pregnancy that she'd be able to keep it in check by now.
"You're sweet, Farks."
Farkle picked his cellphone from where he set it on her bed.
"Alright. Lunch break is almost over. It's just about high time we got going Riley."
"You both are leaving so soon?" Maya asked dejectedly, not really wanting to be left to her thoughts anymore.
She desperately needed a distraction from her thoughts of Lucas. Because he was pervading her mind and it was impossible for her to get any kind of rest when that was the case.
"I have to go back to school," Riley said, smoothing down Maya's hair before cradling her cheek, "I would skip it, but my dad refused to let me today because I missed too many days. He said once I was done with school I could come back here."
"You know your dad might still be in the hospital, right?"
"I know. That's why Farkle and I have to leave quickly. I skipped a class and lunch to help Farkle bring the TV, but if my dad catches me, I'm screwed."
"Okay. But you guys will come back soon, right? I can't stand being in this room by myself."
"Riley and I will be back as soon as school is over. We promise." Farkle said as he headed out the door, "We have to get back before lunch is over, so hurry up Riley."
Riley nodded and then turned to Maya.
"Farkle and I ran into Dr. Stevens on the way up. I asked her when you could see Jellybean, and she said you've already been cleared for leaving your room provided you have supervision from hospital personnel." Riley said, giving her a serious look, "But you haven't seen Jellybean yet, have you? Why? She's your baby, Maya. You were in a coma for her first nine days in this world and now a few more have passed. You need to go see her. Why are you putting it off?"
"I…"
And Maya hesitated, averting her gaze to her fingers on her lap, unsure how to answer Riley's inquiry.
"What's wrong?" Riley asked, "You were ready to finally meet her before the whole Lucas' dad fiasco, but now it's like you're pretending she doesn't exist."
"That's not it. I want to see Jellybean… I really do want to see my baby… but…"
She tapered off again, chewing on her lower lip anxiously.
"Maya. What's going on in your mind? Talk to me." Riley gave her shoulder a gentle, comforting squeeze. "If you don't tell me what's bothering you, I can't try to fix it and meddle in your life, now can I?"
Maya chuckled slightly, and then she sobered, meeting Riley's concerned cherry brown gaze.
"I… I'm a little scared to see her by myself… I was hoping that…"
She couldn't finish her statement and just stared up at Riley, hoping she could understand the gist of what she was saying. It was hard to admit what she was trying to say. It hurt.
"Is this about Lucas?" Riley asked astutely.
Maya nodded. She felt like she was about to start crying. Her throat was already constricting.
"I… I thought…" Her voice cracked a bit and she stopped talking, willing herself to keep it together.
"He'd be here?"
Maya nodded. It was tearing her apart. She loved him. She was in love with him. So much, and he wasn't even here especially when she needed him. She'd never wanted to be attached to him. It just happened. And since she was, it was breaking her heart that he wasn't here, much less contacted her or even tried to send her a message of some sort.
"Why the hell hasn't he come seen me now that I'm awake?" Maya said angrily.
"Maya, he was here through the C section and after the surgery. But he couldn't stay after the doctor told us you weren't waking up. If you had seen his face when we got the news, you wouldn't blame him for not being able to stomach it. I've never seen Lucas break down so badly. We tried to stop him. Tell him he had to stay for you, but he couldn't even look at you unconscious in the hospital bed like that. So he left."
"But I'm awake now!" Maya exclaimed emphatically, fighting the slight wave of dizziness that wracked her body when she was too agitated. "Hasn't he heard the news?"
"We told him. But he still wanted to give you space. He wasn't even sure if you wanted to see him. So he decided it was best not to come back."
"What an asshole." Maya growled, knowing damn well though that was nowhere near how she felt.
She just needed someone to be angry at for the current circumstances. And though she knew neither of them were the cause or at fault, she couldn't help it.
"He's been beating himself up Maya. He blames himself for your accident. He blames himself for all your suffering and for the fact that you had to endure any pain. He thinks he's the reason why your life got hard, especially because of the issue with his dad. That if he hadn't pressured you to be his girlfriend, to be with him, you would be okay." Riley continued, "He's in terrible shape right now. He's way worse than he was after you disappeared for a few days, and I thought that was bad. I don't think he's even slept in a while. He was terrified of losing you. And he didn't know what to do so he decided to leave."
"Where is he now?"
"We're assuming he's at his home. But even his mom can't say for certain because his door is usually locked and sometimes he goes on long drives for hours and doesn't come home until way early hours of the morning. He didn't come to school at all this past week."
It stung.
Even if Riley was telling her what was going on with him, it still stung. Maya thought he would have at least come to see her. If not as someone who loved her, maybe as a friend at the very least.
"Maya… Lucas loves you so much. But he's also lost. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do now."
"So what? Does he think I know? I really need him right now. Even if we both don't know what to do, we can figure it out together. At least you all made an effort to see me even if you guys were scared and didn't know what to do. It sounds to me like he's given up…"
On me…
"He feels like he's at fault for what happened so he decided it wasn't right for him to see you. That he doesn't deserve to see you or Jellybean. He's refusing to let himself be happy. He knows that the lies and the breakup were provoked by his father, but he wanted to wait until you had decided to let him back in your life because he doesn't think he deserves you anymore after doubting you. He feels guilty." Riley gave Maya a small smile. "Kind of sounds familiar, doesn't it? You do the same thing too. You don't let yourself be happy or have happiness because you think you don't deserve good things in your life."
Maya frowned, though she knew Riley's words had definitely hit their intended target. To her utter annoyance, she knew that deep down, her irritation with Lucas had transformed into empathy and she found herself yearning even more for his presence. Why did Lucas have to be so stupid?
"He didn't even want to make an effort to stay in the hospital. If not for me, then why not for Jellybean? She's still his baby, regardless of how little happiness he thinks he deserves. Does he not realize how much pain his absence is causing me because he ran?"
Riley gave her a dry, peeved look. "Kind of like how your absence hurt us all when you ran, huh?"
Maya's eyes shot to Riley's in slight alarm. Riley was staring down at her seriously, her gaze gleaming with a pain that made Maya instantly feel terrible.
"Riley…"
"But never mind that for now. We will talk about that later and how much you scared me and how I'm so mad at you for that, but I'll wait until you're not in the hospital." Riley checked her cellphone. "I have to go, but Maya. Honestly, no one really knows what's going on with Lucas. I think he's stuck in a blank slate kind of state where the only person who can drag him out of his funk is you. So call him, Maya. He needs you just as much as you need him."
"I'll think about it. I still don't think he should have left. Plus, if this is his choice of behaviour in the face of adversity right now, who's to say he won't leave for real sometime in the future if things really do get rough? Anyway Riley…" Maya gave her a look. "I just realized… If Dr. Stevens saw you here and saw you bring a TV and you spoke to her, don't you think your dad's going to find out if or when she mentions you?"
Riley's eyes widened a fraction, her expression transforming into one of slight fear with a taste of horror.
"We are not done discussing the Lucas situation." Riley pointed out, walking backwards towards the door. "Don't think we are. I just have to leave right now. Text me, okay?"
And then Riley took off, hurrying out of the room as fast as possible. Maya had a good laugh at that, knowing Riley was going to get caught. With her unfortunate luck, she would probably run right into her dad on her way out and then get grounded for 'til college.
But Riley's words had only confused Maya even more and made it harder for her to figure out what to do. What Maya just needed was to talk to someone who had always guided her in the right direction.
What she needed was a chat with her mom.
Maya climbed out of bed slowly, holding onto the wall while she made her way to her crutches beside her bed. Her vision swam a bit, the wave of dizziness wracking her body again and she leaned against the wall, closing her eyes momentarily and trying to fight the slight fatigue that was starting to seep into her body. She hated how weak her body felt. She just wanted to be able to do everything she normally used to.
She slipped the crutches under her arms as usual and leaned her head out of the door. There was usually always a nurse stationed on the floor walking around checking on patients every half hour or so and Maya figured she would be making her rounds to Maya's room soon enough.
As she suspected, a nurse rounded the corner a short while later and when her eyes met Maya's she walked over to her.
"What's wrong?" she asked as she approached Maya, "Do you need something?"
"Yeah… I uh… I wanted to visit my mother. She's in another room on this floor. Katy Hart? Room 571."
The nurse nodded. "Alright. Let's go."
Maya led the way through the corridors as they walked to Katy's hospital room. As they passed many other rooms of people in care, Maya had to keep her gaze staunchly on the tiles on the floor. Hospitals had always made her uncomfortable, but this entire wing and floor of the ICU was especially terrifying as these people were all in serious care for various reasons and seeing family members crying beside bedsides and walking around with red rimmed eyes made Maya very nervous. Honestly, she couldn't wait until she was deemed stable enough to be discharged from the hospital. She only hoped it wouldn't take forever because being here kind of freaked her out.
They arrived at Katy's room, and Maya held her breath. Walking back in here was always difficult because of the image she was always met with. It was a constant reminder and slap in the face that her mother was terribly injured. Of all the difficulties Maya had dealt with recently, this was definitely the worst and hardest to come to terms with and deal with.
Maya set her crutches against the wall near the door and then took careful steps over to her mother's bedside.
Maya settled in the chair beside her mother's bed, her heart breaking all over again as she stared at her mother's gaunt, haggard petite form under the blanket. The bandages wrapped around her head and face. All the IVs inserted into her burned arms. The tubes connected to her nose. The heart monitor's steady beeping as she lay motionless.
It was a hard sight to see.
Her mother had always been bustling and vibrant. Constantly moving. Constantly working. Just constantly being active.
That was clearly no longer the case.
"Hey Mom." Maya finally said to her, after staring at her in silence for a few moments, "I know you can't answer me, but I know you can hear me. I just wanted to say hi. And that I'm waiting for you. I kind of have a lot of stuff I need help with. But I don't know where to start or what to do."
"Sometimes… I feel like being a Hart is a curse, Mom. Why is it that all of us Harts are always forced to endure the hardest things in life? Is this our fate for life? Struggle after struggle after struggle after fucking struggle? To always have difficulties even though we try so hard to make our lives better? The minute I finally let myself be happy, finally let myself smile, and look what happened. Maybe I'm the curse. Maybe my existence is the reason why everybody around me is so miserable. I cause so much pain to everyone."
She swallowed thickly, sniffling before she rested her hand on top of Katy's and squeezed it gently.
"Mom…" Her voice cracked, and Maya's vision blurred as hot tears filled her eyes. "I don't want that kind of miserable life for Mia. I don't know what to do, Mom. There's so much I need to talk to you about… There's so much I still need you for, Mom. I don't know how to be a mother. I'm not ready to be on my own. I still need you to show me what to do. I really, really need you. So please wake up soon."
Maya watched her mom silently for a few moments as tears pooled on her lower eyelids and tumbled down her cheeks, dropping onto her lap as Maya tried to keep herself from sobbing loudly.
And sitting there, realizing she was a daughter who was without her mother at the moment, Maya had a startling moment of clarity.
Maya was a daughter unintentionally abandoned.
And right now, Jellybean was also a daughter without her mother. She had also been unintentionally abandoned, and it made Maya feel sick to her stomach.
What the hell am I doing?
Jellybean needed her mother. Just like Maya needed Katy, Jellybean needed her.
And Maya knew had to go see her.
"…But even though I don't know what to do, I have made up my mind, Mom." Maya said, sitting up straighter, "Even if I don't know what to say or how to be a mom, I need to see my baby. And if Lucas can't get his shit together to at least be there for his daughter in her first days of life, then she doesn't need him in her life. And I don't need him in mine."
She knew it was a straight up lie, especially when her chest tightened painfully at the thought of truly ending things with Lucas, but at least saying those words helped her slightly find a resolve. Helped her find a little bit of peace with the situation. Because she had made up her mind to go see her baby girl, no matter how frightened she truly was.
It really hurt that Lucas wasn't going to be there with her, but she had to move on. She had to continue on. It was time for her to stop bullshitting and assume responsibility. This was the time for her to be strong for her poor baby in the NICU. Maya had been feeling sorry for herself long enough. It was time to put aside her own issues and fears and start taking care of her child. Start focusing her attention on Mia.
Because no doubt that little premature baby was terrified. She was in a new place. A new world and out of the protective cocoon she had been in and she didn't even have proper support from her parents to help her get through this.
Maya wondered if Katy had ever had this kind of moment of clarity after her period of grieving when Kermit had left. If there had just been one day where Katy stopped thinking about the destruction of her relationship and changed and focused all her attention on Maya.
"I love you, Mom. I'll come visit you again after I see Jellybean. Sleep well."
Maya stood up carefully, using the arms of the chair as a support to get to her feet and steady herself. She lumbered slowly to the wall where she'd rested her crutches and took them back before walking out of the room to the nurse who had politely stepped out of the room to give them privacy.
"Ready to go back?" she asked kindly, her eyes warm and sympathetic.
"Yeah…" Maya cleared her throat, nodding again when her voice came out too weak. "I'm ready. Can I grab a sweater from my room really quickly? I want to go see my baby now too."
"Yes, that's fine." The nurse responded, gesturing down the hall, "Go ahead. I'll be right behind you."
They made their way slowly down the corridors of the wing back to Maya's room, Maya lost in her thoughts as they walked.
She wondered when her life had gotten so complicated and messed up from a pregnancy. It hadn't even been nine months, but it felt like years had passed since everything had started in the fall. She couldn't even remember a single time her senior year that hadn't been stress filled as her pregnancy went on. Sure, she'd had moments where she was able to relax a bit, especially thanks to Lucas, but her impending motherhood had always weighed on the back of her mind.
She was just so tired. She just wanted to live her life without all these dreadful difficulties.
It just wasn't good for her mentality or health, and even now, Maya was starting to really feel like she was just trouble waiting to happen. No matter who she associated with, trouble followed. And she couldn't help but feel like that would only continue in the future.
No wonder Lucas had fled.
He probably was scared that she would only bring more trouble and difficulties into his life. Even if Riley said he was just scared, Maya couldn't help but feel like what he was scared of was having to endure more suffering because of her.
As Maya turned the corner and walked down the hall, her eyes were focused on the ground in front of her, being cautious and making sure to take slow and easy steps that wouldn't throw her off balance and knock her over because using the crutches was a pain in the ass. As she glanced up, her eyes caught a small flash of white and drifted to the object.
A white rabbit in someone's hand.
Mr. Flopsy.
Maya slowly lifted her gaze, her eyes widening all the while as she realized who was standing in front of her hospital room, facing her, looking a little out of breath and totally disheveled.
…Lucas.
Their eyes locked, and Maya's breath hitched in her chest at the overwhelming amount of fear and relief and affection and love in his gaze that she didn't know what to say.
They both froze, standing at a distance, holding each other's gazes though not saying anything.
If they weren't at this awkward stage, if they weren't at this point, if there weren't these unspoken issues between them and unresolved problems from their messy breakup, Maya might have dropped her crutches and run over to him and jumped into his arms. But she was frozen in place, staring up at him with wide eyes. She didn't know what to say. Hell, she wasn't even sure what to think. Her heartbeat was drumming loudly in her ears and all she could do was stare at Lucas, wondering if she was imagining him standing in front of her. She'd hallucinated before.
But before she could even think of something to say, before she could try to gather her thoughts, Lucas strode over to her purposefully, engulfed her in his arms, and crushed her to him.
Maya dropped her crutches in shock, a small gasp escaping her lips as he held her tightly, his face buried in her hair. She could feel and hear his heart racing wildly in his chest, his breathing a little choppy as he inhaled deeply.
It was real.
Lucas was really there.
"L-Lucas…"
He was shaking.
He was trembling and holding her so tightly as if he thought that if he loosened up, she could disappear.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Maya…"
Her heart constricted painfully in her chest, her eyes welling with tears before she could even think to control them.
And with a soft whimper, she reached up and clutched his sweater, breaking down and sobbing into his chest.