Day Eight - Saturday March 1st, 2014
I think I'm drawing better. I hope so. I feel like I am? But maybe I'm being too hopeful. I'm practicing lots of realism, I hate when I can't get the shading right haha.
It is fun though. Some of my drawings are very dark, so now I really can't show it to anyone. That one pic I drew for Mother is now redrawn, same pose, same flower, except she is being possessed by a demon - eyes black and smiled crooked and oh so wide. Her hair was in disarray and the background changed to a warped image.
I'm very proud of it. It took me a long time to make it like that, but I used a pen for the final touches and a pencil was enough to make the background look blurry and faded.
Haha, sorry, I'm just so happy with how it turned out.
Other than that, bullies have been starting up again. Before, Mabel and I had almost all of our classes together, but now we only have lunch. Even then, we only have enough time to say hi before her friends drag her away saying she shouldn't be hanging out with the likes of me or that they were sorry we were brother and sister… And because I don't have Mabel , they probably think that I'm small, weak and fragile.
I came home with a black eye. My parents were home, and all they did was look at me once, stay silent, and then continue on with their lives. I smiled at that because I knew what they were thinking - "He deserved it".
But that's okay. I'm used to not crying in front of anyone anymore, it just hurt a bit.
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Day Nine - Monday, March 3rd, 2014
I haven't taken my medicine in so long. I don't think my parents even care or notice that I've run out. Not like they really did anything, I tried to kill myself a numerous amounts of times even after I started.
But now… Now I just feel terrible. I see everyone walking past me, and all I can do is stare with an ache in my chest to have even a fraction of their happiness.
Everything just hurts.
I can't talk to Mabel. I can't go back to the Mystery Shack - the only place I've felt at home. I can't go back to my friends… I can't go back to the creepy and fantasy-like creatures of the falls…
Everything seems to be put against me. And I just don't think I can stop it anymore…
—
Day Ten - Friday, March 7th, 2014
I skipped school so much this week. My parents are't even bothered by it. Mabel has knocked on my door once or twice but. I just… The pills and alcohol seem like a better option more and more.
I've thought of other ways to kill myself lately too.
Jumping off a bridge, cutting my wrists, staying alive just kills me daily.
So, I've made a resolution.
If I'm not happy by the end of this year, then on New Years Eve, I'll end my life. That… That's a long time from now, so I'll be surprised if I can keep myself alive by then haha.
That's all for today.
—
Day Eleven - Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
I don't know what's happening to me. It's a strange new development, I figure that it's because I have no one to depend or rely on anymore.
I've started getting voices in my head. It's… It's hard to describe. It's just faint buzzing and humming and maybe a "good morning". It sounds friendly? That's why I don't feel Too bothered by it.
I feel weird, writing it down. I'm just confused and alone in real life but. At least I'm not alone inside, right?
—
Day Twelve - Tuesday, April 1st, 2014
School was great.
I had three exams and a pop quiz in chemistry, so that was fun. I do nothing but study nowadays so I know that I did well. It's lonely though… I know I've been hiding more and more in my room but. I don't really mind it anymore.
The voice in my head told me to give it a name. It sounded soft and sweet but not like a boy or a girl. So, I picked Max.
Max has been keeping me company so it's not all bad.
I know I'm not okay, or that Max is natural. I'm hoping that it's just my brain inventing an imaginary friend and not something like schizophrenia or psychosis… Even though Max said I shouldn't trust websites, I shouldn't exactly trust them either, should I?
—
Day Thirteen - Thursday, April 3rd, 2014
I think I make faces when I talk to Max. Mabel was giving me a strange look during breakfast and that was when I realised I was grinning very hard. Max had said something funny, so I responded and we were having some nice banter, but I… I guess I forgot that I wasn't in my room anymore.
It's okay though, I know now so I should just take extra special care Not to do that anymore.
Max even comments on this journal I have… They make me feel kind of better - saying that they're my friend and that I shouldn't die. But… sadly, Max is just a voice. I haven't told anyone else about them either, they might think I'm crazy or that I need help.
Which I do, but just because I know I need it doesn't exactly mean that I want it, now does it?
I've been trying to draw more often nowadays. It helps me vent when I don't want to use words. It even distracts me. I've been drawing these abstract things and I really really like them. Maybe I should show Mabel my designs? She could probably make a sweater out of it.
I think that I should try to talk at dinner for once. I don't think I've done that since I've come back from summer vacation at Gravity Falls. But then again, they didn't really like it when I talked… Apparently I talked weird or I switched from English to Latin at random times (since you know, ancient texts and scriptures aren't in English) or I'd talk about weird topics.
I do want to try though. I miss talking to Mabel.
—
Day Fourteen - Friday, April 4th, 2014
Dinner went great yesterday.
Mabel and I were left alone because my dad was going to some stupid business party (which my mother complained about how it was stupidly held on a Thursday) so she and I (and Max) were finally alone.
Max said that they would actually leave me alone for the night. It was strange and I wasn't used to it, but it was nice to put all my attention on my sister.
We played games and talked and ate and watched crappy horror movies that had lame special effects and it was a great night.
Our parents came home late that night, but they saw us still up, me braiding her hair and her eating popcorn while we were talking in front of the TV. I admit, it was stupid of us to have stayed in the living room for the whole time, but I wasn't really thinking. I was finally happy for the first time in a while.
They… Practically tore her from me. I knew she didn't like it when my father pushed me up the stairs, but I knew they were just trying to protect her. From me…
I know that summer was a bit horrible, and that I had changed but. I wasn't a psychopath, now was I?
Maybe Max disagrees because they're part of my sanity/conscious/insanity.
… Am I Truly Insane?
I have to go lie down.
-o-o-o-
AN: Well. Sorry that this is a bit shorter? xD I hope that you guys trust me as to where this story is going lol... because this is gonna be one hell of a ride (get ready lol) Tell me how you think of Max! :D I'm having so much fun with this hehe