"Ok, everyone," said a loud voice at the large desk. Gaara, Naruto and Sasuke turned to look.

What do you mean, everyone? Sasuke wondered. We're the only ones here!

It was true. No one else had arrived, so it seemed they would be the only ones participating.

It's like a graveyard. Itachi muttered. I love graveyards.

I'm sure you do, you filled one up pretty fast, if I do recall.

"Today you will be partaking in a tournament to see who is the better friend. A battle of wits and skill will definitely be going on here. The rounds are, in order: Shogi, climbing trees, knowledge, haircutting, and last of all, eating."

I knew there would be hairstyling! Let me do everything!

The hell? They have nothing to do with each other! Either whoever created this contest is a stupid loser, or the writer has run out of ideas.

I think it's both. She told me.

No! She told me! I'm the best character!

Then why didn't you say something earlier about it?

Because I wanted to make you feel good about yourself.

I don't think I'm the one who needs higher self-esteem, Mr. Vietnamese Beautician.

Why, Mother? Why?

"Now, will everyone please come over to the left side of the field to where the Shogi table is?"

"This is ridiculous," Sasuke muttered, trudging over with his friends.

"I'm horrible at Shogi," Naruto complained.

"Yeah, this isn't as fun as I thought it would be," Gaara said.

"Oh, well! We'll just have to do our best!" Naruto cried, racing over.

"If only I had that kind of stamina," Sasuke muttered.

Doesn't matter. Girls still won't like you in bed.

Burn!

Naruto sat at the side facing town, and Sasuke sat opposite. The board was like a chess board, except with weird pieces instead. Gaara sat between them, staring at the board.

"Uh, how do you play?" Naruto asked after a moment.

Sasuke sighed. "It's the same thing as chess, except cooler."

(Listen, I looked up Shogi online. It's that game Shikamaru always plays all the time. But it looks complicated, and I don't really want to have to explain it. So we're just going to pretend it's the same thing as chess, for the sake of the story, ok? Not politically correct, but you'll live.)

This was a battle of wits, knowledge, skill, and strategy. So, naturally, Sasuke won.

"Pfft, that took five minutes," Sasuke laughed.

Yes, Sasuke, laugh. Make him laugh with you. Make him trust you…

Then discreetly chop off his head. Easy peasy, lemon sqeezey.

Easier said than done.

So you're thinking about it?

No! I am not!

You so are!

Am not!

Yes you are, yes you are!

No wonder your mother didn't approve.

Why, Mother, why?

Heh.

That was harsh, Sasuke.

Mother always liked me best, Itachi.

And you wonder why I killed her.

Touché, you bastard.

"Well, obviously, Sasuke gets the point," Gaara declares.

"Ugh, I hate you, Gay Hairstylist!" Naruto whined.

"Hey, it's Mr. Gay Hairstylist to you!" Sasuke cried.

I knew it.

I knew it.

"I knew it," Naruto gasped.

"I knew it," Gaara gasped.

"I totally could have guessed that," the Kazekage said from the trees.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "No, wait, I didn't mean—"

"It's too late, Sasuke, we got you!"

"No, wait!"

After ten minutes of angry arguing, the next round began.

"Now you must climb trees," said the squat, brown-haired host. He led them into the woods to two twin trees that were the tallest any of the boys had ever seen.

"I'm straight, not curvy, so I'll get up there fastest," Naruto joked to Sasuke. (That was a horrible orientation joke by me, in case you couldn't figure it out.)

Naruto…fell off tree…dies screaming in agony…40 seconds from now…

I knew you had it in you, Sasuke.

"Go!"

Sasuke and Naruto were startled by the sudden start but didn't hesitate to grab onto the thick vines surrounding the trees and thick branches in order to quickly haul themselves upward.

The trees were huge and awfully rough, cutting into the boys' hands, but they persevered. They climbed stealthily and deftly, even Naruto.

Sasuke was so absorbed in his work that it took him a moment to process that Naruto had stopped climbing up his tree.

"Naruto! Let's go!" Sasuke called, motioning for him to continue climbing.

"What does it matter to you?" Naruto called, hugging the tree. "I'm afraid of heights! Just go ahead! Go ahead and win if you want!

"You'll be way behind in points!" Sasuke called down.

"So?" Naruto trembled, grinning weakly.

"This isn't you, Naruto. You usually work your hardest at this sort of thing! You never give up!"

Naruto shrugged, but in doing so, lost his grip on the tree. In a split second of horror, Sasuke watched as Naruto, in slow-motion, fell backwards.

Catch him!

I thought you wanted me to kill him!

Yeah, kill him. Not let him die!

Yeah! Go, you gay homeboy!

So Sasuke did. He jumped from his spot, and, as if diving, raced through the air to Naruto.

Naruto was completely silent. The way down was long, since the trees were gigantic, but in no time Sasuke caught up with Naruto and wrapped an arm around his hip.

Now what? Sasuke wondered, looking around. All the trees were too far away to grab onto.

The ground was racing toward them. Naruto shut his eyes against the sight, since they were both facing the ground. A horrible feeling rose in Sasuke's throat, which he was sure was bile.

Suddenly, a light, grainy feeling erupted around his stomach. Like little particles were beating against him.

Suddenly, they were floating in midair, their midsections covered in dirty sand, that seemed to be holding them up.

Oh, yeah, Sasuke remembered. Gaara!

Gaara had been waiting below, watching in horror, and then relief as he was able to protect his friends from agonizing deaths.

Gaara defied the Death Note, Itachi noted.

What? This whole thing was not my doing!

Either way, he's good. A good comrade to have.

Sasuke and Naruto were lowered to the ground slowly, where Gaara immediately hugged them so hard they thought their spines were going to crack.

After such a violent bear hug, Gaara proclaimed, "Sasuke wins for being a hero!"

"I didn't really do anything," Sasuke said, embarrassed.

Naruto stared at him. He asked, quietly, "Why did you do that, Sasuke? Because I'm important to you, or something?"

"Don't kid yourself!" Sasuke cried. "I—I—you were gonna die! I couldn't let you die!"

"But you could of died yourself," Gaara pointed out.

And though Sasuke wouldn't let himself admit it, he felt glad his friend was alive, and sure that he'd done what he'd done because Gaara and Naruto were both very precious to him.

No narrating me, Jeffrey.

Sasuke turned to his friends and shrugged. "I guess I love you more than I thought," he said passionately.

Jeffrey acted young and carefree on the outside, but inside he was a small boy crying out for help. His mother had abandoned him and his dream of hairstylism and his father had turned gay, and such a childhood had scarred him viciously.

Hairstylism? Good God, Sasuke.

Well, excuse me, Mr. Weasel.

That's cruel.

And you're not?

Touché.

"Sasuke? Sasuke? Sasuke!" Sasuke slowly became aware of an annoying, scratchy voice erupting in his mind.

"You looked dazed for a second," Gaara told him.

Sasuke blushed. "Er, forget about it! If you want, I'll never try to save your life again!" he said hurriedly to Naruto, then turned and ran off to meet the next challenge.

"You think he really has voices in his head?" Naruto asked Gaara.

"I wouldn't be surprised," Gaara answered.

-

"Damn," said the Kazekage, holding up a feather. "I had planned to tickle one of the boys, but they foiled me!"

"You could have killed them!" Kankuro objected.

"Father, don't you have places to be?" Temari asked.

The Kazekage stared down his daughter. "'And don't you have places to be?'" he mimicked. "And don't you have places to shut the hell up?"

Temari sighed. "Kankuro, do we still have the rat poison from our last infestation?"

"We sure do, sis, we sure do."