Day 22 - Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014
Trust No One
If I had to learn anything from those damn books it should have been that. It should have! I trusted Mabel. She moved out of our room when we were 13 at the Mystery Shack, telling me I was too invested, that I shouldn't worry about this kind of stuff during the year. I mean, when you find yourself, shouldn't you be allowed to express it - cheerleading or science club, parties or... summoning demons, I don't know!
Whatever, not the point.
The Stans just... Stanford he. He didn't like me learning the stuff because of what he went through. And I guess Grunkle Stan sort of shared the experience, so it's... Understandable.
Why they decided that shunning me along with each other was a good thing, I don't know. I would never shun Mabel.
... Can't be said the other way around I guess.
My parents acted like parents when I first came back, they were happy that we made friends and we would have long talks about our summers. Our first summer back, I showed my parents my journals and Mabel [albeit hesitantly] and I told them about the woods and everything.
The second summer back, when we were 13, they all started to get a little worried about me. I could tell by their stares and stuff, so I just kind of... I just locked myself in my room more and more.
It was weird, keeping this a secret. But then, Mabel would only like to hear about the stuff during the summer. And then, when I would show her what I had learned, she tried to copy me, and when she did she would get annoyed and frustrated, to which I would respond with a scoff and, "I've been training for months unlike some."
I guess I hurt her...
The next summer we went back, when we were 14, it was hard. She didn't want to talk to me and I just. Summoned things, possessed this and that - Mabel and I were supposed to do this together, but instead I pushed her away.
It's all always my fault. I should have stopped while I had the chance, then I wouldn't have been so rocky with Mabes, and the Stans might actually look at me with a real smile or something. My parents I think are too far gone.
I just wanted to write that since my therapist told me to. Writing about the past is supposed to help I suppose, you can see it in black and white and it'll help open you up so they can dig a little deeper.
But all I'm seeing is that I'm the creep at fault for everything that's happened this far.
Xx-xX
Day 23 - Thursday, April 24th, 2014
I got tired of thinking about the past yesterday, so I sort of just stopped. I should have pushed through instead of letting my depression get to me for once since Max is trying so hard to get my attention these days.
He made that proposal a while ago. If I remember anything correctly, it's that I know demons always love their deals.
I've concluded that Max isn't a subconscious form of thought, rather a demon that's wormed it's way out of Gravity Falls. Demons take after bugs after all, they pluck and tear an opening in your mind/body/soul and then implant themselves before you notice. Then, when they're ready, they'll say hello or do something to make you notice them.
This could have been starting since this summer... Maybe the first time I saw Bill when I was 12... Maybe when we crossed the city bounds on the bus even!
I don't like this. At all. But what can I Do?!
I've tried too much, too hard to let go of everything that I've done. The spells, the magic, the blood, the sacrifices, no, I can't forget about that all, I can't.
Max realises this, that's why they're cackling in my head right now... They've been talking about Bill more often. I'm worried what he'll do. He's a dream demon, he could have tortured and tormented me already, they could have had me killed anyways considering Max can control my body, and I just.
I'm so scared.
I don't know what they want, I don't know what I have to offer, and that damn deal keeps popping up in my mind (maybe not my mind...).
Xx-xX
Day 24 - Wednesday, April 30th, 2014
Max is torturing me.
"Why haven't you decided yet?"
"Maybe I should call Bill...?"
"Kid, you have no friends, why is this taking so long, you know you can have all the friends you want when you're with me and Bill!"
"Come on kid, you know what you want, I know what you want, figure it out dammit."
They're torturing me. I don't understand why they need my damn permission, the first time they controlled me wasn't all that up to me! I want to call Grunkle Stan and Grandpa Stanley and ask what the hell I should do. My parents probably aren't gonna send us to Gravity Falls this summer either...
I guess I have to... research more. Even though I've turned over ever page, poured myself into every nook and cranny of these books, I still can't fucking find anything - despite all that, I don't want to know what losing hope would bring me.
Xx-xX
Day 25 - Thursday, May 1st, 2014
It's been a while since I last ate, Max isn't letting me after all. I kind of want to tell my therapist about it, but he would just say it's bulimia or something and give me some meds or stick me back in the psych ward for teens... As much as I liked my stay, I don't want to go back there, all the aides and nurses would be mad at me or shoot me disappointed looks.
The psych ward was pretty weird for the first time. And the fact that Max could bother me and I had no distractions whatsoever made it a little harder. Not that that's any different from what's happening now though, Max is always pestering me about his deal.
What could I possibly gain from working with the two of them?
Depression?
The fear of everyone around me?
Maybe power in some horrible, strange sense?
Knowledge?
I don't know what they'll offer me, but what I do know is that it probably won't be worth it. I've been trying so hard to get out of my depression, and focusing my whole mind and soul into whatever the hell this is has been helping. Only slightly since they are the cause of some of it.
I must fight with whatever strength and willpower I have left.
Xx-xX
Day 26 - Friday, May 2nd, 2014
Delving back into magic has been tough.
At first I started small, just reading and trying some incantations to try to figure out how "Max" came to be, or at least what type of demon they are. There are lots of demons that deal with a lot of different things - elements, space, dreams, you name it.
Max just doesn't seem to fit into one of these categories really, he just... he can control my body. It's weird and scary at the same time, you know?
Throughout it all, Max just doesn't seem to stop asking me about the deal. When I was reading the journals and setting up a magic circle to help me concentrate, Max kept saying, 'I could tell you what I am... I can even show you my true form. Let me, I just need your permission...'. Will power came into play a bit there, but I just thought of all the way that that could back fire on me and it made the temptaion go away.
- Show me his true form? He could attack me, I wouldn't be ready for it.
- His true form could be the thing of my nightmares for years to come, and I already have enough of those.
- Just no. No deals with Demons.
I'm going to soundproof my room and sit in my circle to give me enough privacy for this next step. I wanna ask some questions to other spiritual beings, and maybe the willing ones could tell me what is happening.
Xx-xX
Day 27 - Saturday, May 3rd, 2014
It's been a long day.
I haven't even cracked open a journal yet today and I'm pooped.
Mabel dragged me out of my room today. She didn't really comment on the runes on the floor or the journals on my desk. She just glanced me over and told me to be careful.
She didn't want to see me get hurrt again.
Doesn't she know that she was a big part of that pain? She was the one who left! I wanted for magic to be a thing that bonded us together, something that could make our family tighter. But I guess not. Hopeful wishes are just wishes after all.
*sigh* But whatever. Today was pretty fun all in all. Mabel and I went out, not telling our parents of course, and we went to the movies and the in-town carnival. The worn out, dangerous looking rides made us grin and think of Grunkle Stan.
I was a bit entrigued by the rom-com... It was. Just so cute? So... I hope Mabel never finds this.
Max was quiet throughout the day, making snide comments once in a while that I would either ignore or answer in my head. Now, as I'm laying down, they're just hitting me with full force. The depressing thoughts are just filling my head, and I have no clue how to stop them.
It's weird how words can physically hurt you. I hate it so much. I could say that it's all in my head, but really it's a demonic dream demon teaming up with god knows what in order to take control of my body.
So.
Before I do anything too stupid, I guess I'll just go to bed.
Xx-xX
Day 28 - Tuesday, May 6th, 2014
How could I have been so Stupid?!
Max is a demon working for Bill, or maybe Max is just a tiny bit of Bill's lifeforce just latching on and changing it's aura and identity so much it seemed like a different demon!
The silence in my head proves that I am Right!
But. What the hell would they need me for? I'm just the depressed nerd with a dipper birthmark on his forehead.
Max just said that I was "important enough". Well okay then.
I know that they want me to go to Gravity Falls this summer but. I don't know if I can. I might blurt out what's been happening to Mabel too, and I don't want to freak her out more than she is about my strange behavior.
The question really remains as if I should or shouldn't go... Fuck.
I might get hurt staying here. I might get hurt over there. I might get answers over there though... And I'll get to see the Grunkles again, maybe they can help? But what if Bill and "Max" get a stronger hold of me? What if I'm trapped...?
Well Fuck. You've always had to power through the hard decisions yourself, haven't you Dipper Pines?
-o-o-o-
AN: Hello~ After so long I have come back! I'm so sorry to those who actually liked this story and wanted more sooner. I'll try to update quicker - school's boring enough to not pay attention and still get an A haha. So I have a bit more time to write some fanfics!
Should Dipper go back to Gravity Falls~? Hehe, I think I know how I wanna shape this story, but tell me, do you want to see him venture to his true home and poooossibly maybe get hurt oooooor! Would you like to see him suffer alone with his thoughts, trying desperately to stay afloat of school, his relations and his demons all at once?
:3 Leave a review, they make me happy and spur me to write! Love you all~