Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own any material in this story. I do claim its hilarity. Well, if it was hilarious, anyway, that's your choice...
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"All-you-can-eat-buffet."
To Choji, these words might have meant a heavenly bliss. To Naruto and Sasuke, it meant war.
In order to win the favor of little Gaara, they would have to eat the most disgusting things you could imagine. Pig intestine, dog droppings, bars of butter and bacon grease--that just being the appetizer.
Naruto was ready. He was gonna win this. Sasuke, on the other hand, having come from the elite Uchiha, was used to delicate, delicious foods.
Mmm, bars of butter, Itachi thrummed inside his head.
That's disgusting.
One time, Kisame ate a whole platter of meat before I told him it was shark!
What happened?
He was ok until he realized it was his father.
Oh, God, you killed his own father?
Oh, come on. I killed yours, too.
Naruto rubbed his hands together. Just chug it down, he told himself. Act like it doesn't bother you, and Sasuke'll chicken out. Peice of cake.
Did someone think "cake"?
Wasn't me.
Just keep on trying until you run out of cake...
Huh? There's no cake here, Jeff.
No, I meant--nevermind.
"Dig in!"
Once again, the amateur host caught them off guard. Gaara watched disgustingly as Naruto bit into lizard guts while Sasuke chewed viciously at an octopus eye.
The Kazekage was having a hell of a time. He stifled guffaws and hoots of laughter, for they'd surely notice. Temari and Kankuro had gone home, hoping to slip some poison into their father's soup that night.
It was getting darker. The Kazekage realized that their friendship had indeed not been terminated. His plan was being foiled unconsciously. In a burst of anger, he stamped his foot. Unfortunately, he'd mistakenly, foolishly, stomped on a hornet's nest.
The army of ants that had attacked Gaara paled in comparison to this mighty swarm. They were everywhere at once, and it seemed every stab of shooting pain was worse than the last.
Sasuke was squirting the jelly from a chicken's tongue--chickens tongue!--when he noticed the howls of pain and agony echoing from the forest.
Ah, I've heard worse. I made Auntie squeal like a piglet.
Oh, my God, Itachi, you are soooo dead.
Gosh, you keep saying that, but you never do anything. Back up your words, runt!
But what can I do, Jeff? He's just a voice in my head. If I kill him, I might hurt something important. Like my sex drive.
You don't have a sex drive yet, you're freaking eight. And it's not like there's anything down there to please...
Burn!
The pitiful cries continued as Naruto spit out his horse hoof and joined Gaara, Sasuke and the host as they slowly tiptoed toward the sounds.
Suddenly, from the depths of the forest, a figure emerged, covered in swollen lumps that horrified and frightened everyone.
"Dad?" Gaara suddenly murmured.
Well, it can't be my dad, because my dad's dead, right?
Sasuke, I am your father.
Bull. I'm gonna kill you.
The force is weak within this one.
Talk backwards I do.
"No, it's not him," Naruto suggested. "It must be man-bear-pig!"
Whatever it was, it was coming towards them fast, and they had no choice but to dash away from the approaching creature, as the sound of buzzing insects filled their ears.
Suddenly, the figure stopped. In the dying light of the day, the children watched as each and every bug began to drop away, oddly.
Sasuke peered closer. Each time one fell, it was covered in some strange...flame? Black flame?
I pwns all you buggies, bitches.
Sasuke stared. Itachi...you're doing this?
Uh, derr. Amaterasu, biatch.
Oh, yeah, we totally understand, Itachi.
Well, I understand that if you don't shut the f*** up you might learn just what the Amaterasu us, Jeff.
Point taken.
Just don't touch it.
Why?
Because it will burn--I mean, because it's actually cake.
CAKE?!
No, wait, Jeff--
Too late.
The friendship tournament ended, with no clear winner. The Kazekage was taken away in a stretcher, and the boys were questioned until ten at night. The Hokage finalized it as "a misunderstanding with the bees" and it was neither the Kazekage nor the bees' faults. Also, Jeff was ok. Itachi was able to stop the Amaterasu that was eating up his insides when he'd mistakenly eaten a bug that was still burning, thinking it was cake.
Gaara was infinitely sorry. "I'm so, so sorry, guys," said Gaara. "My father ruined the entire game."
Naruto smiled and clapped him on the back. "It's ok, I was about to barf that awful stuff anyway. But let's just say I won, ok?"
Sasuke scoffed. "Yeah, right, loser. I won."
"No, me, you gay...er...something!"
"Takes one to know one, biaaaaaaaatch!"
Gaara left his friends then, fighting vainly. No one would be proclaimed the best friend.
Because they both were.
Gaara didn't understand why he thought those gay idiots could possibly be good friends at all, but he left it at that.
--
Midnight that night, Sasuke rolled over and his eyes immediately opened wide.
"Wait," he said aloud. "Itachi was just a voice in my head. How could he project justsu when he isn't here?"
No answer. Itachi and Jeffrey were sleeping soundly within his brain.
Well, one was. The other was quickly making his way back to a certain secret hideout, where a certain secret partner was waiting for him to bring back the
Chinese he'd ordered.
Jeffrey.
If you think it's really Jeff, you have something critically wrong with you. I mean, you're like, as crazy as Orochimaru. And that's really bad, dog. Really bad. You'll start vomiting snakes and molesting little boys. Seriously.
--End of the Insanely Long Thursday--
--
Finally, Thursday is over. So many chapters. Now only Friday and Saturday are left! Boo-hoo! Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. And sorry if you don't think it's funny. I'm turning into Family Guy and Spongebob--used to be funny and original, now is running out of ideas!
Also, I have some comments in here concerning Portal, Star Wars, and South Park.
And it's slowly getting more inappropriate, this series. I hope I'm not poisoning any young readers with my language and material. Sorry.
See you next time!