Day 29 - Thursday May 8th, 2014

My weight has been dropping drastically this past week. Everything I try to stomach, Max and/or Bill make me throw it up. I've been gaining more will power and stomaching food, and taking supplements that I ordered offline, but I need to eat at some point.

If they need me, wouldn't they need a strong vessel? Or are they just looking to getting inside of me easier, so they would need to weaken me? Haaahhhh this is stressful...

Max keeps reminding me about that deal we could have had. "Give them control over my body for three little clues and hints"? Was it really that easy to get them to tell me why they were doing what they were doing...

But I shouldn't.

I cant.

It's risky and stupid and I know that...

*sigh* Whatever, I want to actually talk about other things than this. It consumes me most of the time, so I think I deserve a little break.

Mabel has been coming home later and later. Or she's sneaking out, because her parents would never let her stay out that late. I'm worried and when I go to talk to her, she pushes me away. Like I did to her.

I don't want that. I'm going to go talk to her after I write,and maybe she'll be calm enough when she knows I'm serious and want to help her.

I've even been thinking about telling her about Max. The thinking would then cause an annoying and painful migraine, but maybe if I tell her, it would be better? A weight off my chest.

I still want to call the Grunkles. Even Soos would make me feel better with his stupid comments and lame jokes. [I meant that in the most endearing way.] I need help, I need my mind off of it. I want to take back control but I don't know how!

Dipper, you're straying, calm down.

I've been feeling angrier these past few days too. Probably because I haven't been eating and no one cares that I've been loosing weight. It sucks to feel unwanted.

Whatever, I'm tired, I'm going to lie down and then have a chat with Mabes.

Xx-xX

Day 30 - Friday, May 9th, 2014

So...

I had a chat with Mabel last night.

It was one of the most awkwardest, normalest teenage conversations I've had so far in my life. Apparently, she's been attending house parties. Nothing major, but she dances and drinks. As long as she doesn't do drugs and doesn't drink too much, I feel okay with it. I drink too, so.

She was kind of shocked when I told her that. I just laughed and nodded. I didn't bother telling her my tries at suicide, it was starting out to be a lovely day [since we talked at like 1 AM]. She grinned at me at one point and told me to join her next time. I knew it was a bad idea - everyong hated me - but I couldn't say no. I just said "Maybe one day" and left it at that.

Mabel continued to tell me of other confusing teenage things and how she thinks she might like girls. I just kinda shrugged and said "do what - or who - you wanna do" and left it at that. Or I thought that was that, but she crushed me in one of her signature hugs and laughed/sobbed out a thank you in her wobbly-sort-of-tears voice. I'm not quite sure what I did, but if the smile on her face was anything to go by, I would say she was happy.

I told her that I might be asexual. It was weird to talk about [and even to write right now] but she listened. I told her I "go through the motions" but it's not enjoyable. Sex seems icky as childish as that is to say hah.

I wanted to tell her about Max... But when I tried to, I could feel the panic start building up inside me. What if she didn't believe me? What if this - our relationship - gets strained again? I didn't want that, I don't, not when we're talking again. Mabel is one of the best things in my life, I don't wanna lose her again.

... The... everything's quiet in my head now. It was kind of buzzing just a second ago and now... Now nothing.

...

Oh god. Don't come near my goddamn family you damn demons.

I will force you out, just wait. When the time comes, you'll get what you deserve.

Xx-xX

Day 31 - Saturday, May 10th, 2014

Hey PIIIINE TREEE, just wanted to drop by, say hi. You always get the funniest reactions when me or "Max" take over your body, so. Why not?! HAH!

You are just so CUTE and NAIVE, thinking you have a choice in this matter. No matter what, I know that this will all work in MY favor. ALL SEEING, YOU KNOW?! HAHAHAH! Everything is going according to plan Piiine Treee~ Don't you worry about a THING, you'll know what's gonna happen sooner or later.

One last thing before I go.

Never.
Threaten.
A Demon.

Or you'll get what's coming to you...

HAHA! BYE PIIIIINE TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

- Bill Cipher

3:12 AM

I woke up at 11 AM which is unusual for both my natural alarm clock and insomnia [I couldn't believe I even fell asleep]. But then I opened my journal and realized what had me tuckered out.

I didn't freak out as bad as last time thankfully, just sort of sat there and stared. I read it 3 times before the buzzing started back up in my head. I hate to say that that's becoming Comforting now. Ugh...

I'm also glad I didn't freak because that would give Bill the satisfaction of seeing me go temporarily insane.

The choices thing is worrying. That I'll admit you assholes. But know this. I may have depression, anxiety, and whatever other disorder under the sun that you both graciously gave me, but Know that I know things can change. Know that I know the future can change. Bill Cipher, nothing is set in stone. There are hundreds of Thousands of different alternate universes, all of which fates have changed.

So Bill... Don't threaten a teenager who would and will do fucking Anything for the ones he cares about. Don't even try.

Xx-xX

Day 32 - Monday, May 12th, 2014

School already sucks, I don't need anymore stress from fucking Demons. Alas, my life has never been easy... There's just this incessant buzzing in my head, more so than usual. Even though I know what they're teaching in class pretty well, it would be nice to still Try to learn.

I got so fed up that I just focused on tuning out the buzzing than anything else. It was hard but I managed.

Aside from the buzzing and random suicidal/homicidal ideations popping into my head, neither Bill nor Max has tried to talk to me. Not even about the deal. I'm thankful for the slight "silence", but it still worries me. Then again, everything worries me these days, so that's now irrelevant.

God, I'm just so fucking tired.

Xx-xX

Day 33 - Monday, May 19th, 2014

I'm either sleeping too much or not at all, pill bottles seem extremely enticing nowadays, and finals are almost here. Oh, and in addition to all the normal crappy stuff, Max keeps calling me shit and how I'll never amount to anything other than what Bill has in store for me.

Real sweet stuff...

I still want to tell someone. Maybe not about everything, but definitely about some of it. I don't want to freak Mabel out, but I need some support. Parents? What parents. Friends are nonexistent. Mabel is... She's the only thing I have here. It's fragile and stuff, and I don't want to break it, but I Need to talk about it! I feel like I'm crashing harder into my depression by the day and I just need someone to listen to me.

*sigh* ... My depression has become normal? Like, I can't imagine everyday life without it. And now that I know that, it kind of feels like I have some control over it? Idk, demons could also be attributing to my mental stability. It certainly makes me paranoid.

Like that thing with Mabel. Or with what I wrote. No repercussions? Since when is that ever the case? That's right, never.

I managed to give her a seal/protection spell without her knowing. I made her a bracelet with runes etched in silver. I haven't seen her take it off yet, so I assume she likes it. I tried to make it as fashionable as possible so she could wear it all the time.

I sound so lame hah.

But yeah. Life's been terrible, and it just seems to be getting worse.

Xx-xX

Day 34 - Tuesday, May 20th, 2014

This morning, Bill dropped by to say hi. It was in my dreams. He told me not to bother caring about Mabel since she'll just "leave and never look back" if I ever told her. As much as it pains me to say, yeah, I do believe that. I've been doubting myself for a while now, and god I don't want her to hate me...

But I did take a risk. This morning, Mabel and I were eating cereal groggily, her parents passed out upstairs. I asked her if she wanted to go to Gravity Falls this summer.

She said she didn't know and asked if I wanted to go. I just knew she was looking at me with worry in her eyes, so I stalled a bit and kept eating my breakfast.

I said I missed being with my real family and left it at that.

School was school, boring, full of bullies, and that constant buzzing sound in my head.

When I got home, I felt dead tired. Before I passed out on my bed, I had a fleeting thought - "this isn't going to be good".

And it wasn't. It Definitely wasn't.

The screams, the blood, the murder, the flames; it was like I was watching it from an aerial view. Bill just kept saying, "This is the future Pine Tree, get ready".

I was apparently asleep for four hours since it was 6:30 when I woke up with Mabel shaking me awake.

She said I was shouting and I didn't need to reach a hand up to feel the tears on my face.

I didn't want to, but I lunged into her arms, crying into her chest. She just held me and comforted me to the best of her abilities. I wanted to tell her about it, but I couldn't find the words to describe the scene. I could definitely say I was scared.

I was. I am. It's 10 at night and I don't think I could go back to sleep (and I certainly don't want to).

All of this is getting tiring after dealing with it for as long as I have. I'm gonna draw and try to take my mind off of everything.

Xx-xX

Day 35 - Wednesday, May 21st, 2014

Honestly, I'm so fucking tired of everything.

Finals and studying are kicking my ass, along with all the lovely brutes in my school. My parents have apparently forgotten they had two children, because last night? Yeah, they were shocked I was "still here". What the Fuck does that mean?! Did they forget about me so much they thought I ran away? Did they think I killed myself like... I don't know and I'm gonna find out.

But God that made me upset. Come on, you don't just... Unless you're abusive and you're a horrible parent, I don't think you can just assume stuff like that. Then again I'm assuming right now... Ah whatever, another mystery for another day.

Mabel is kinda ignoring me again, I think it was the breakfast talk, but it's fine. She has to warm up to the thought I suppose.

I drew a lot last night. Most of it's crossed out scribbles, but I really like the one I drew of me decapitating myself.

God, I'm so fucked up now, I don't even know if that was me or Bill.

And honestly? My depression can go fuck itself. I hate it and I hate that I hate me, it's just getting so fucking annoying...

I'm going all over the place, but I couldn't sleep last night, and I'm just running on fumes so meh. Max has been pretty bleh to me, indifferent I guess. He keeps giving me messages from Bill though and that's kind of creepy. They said that they have a direct mind link with him apparently.

Bill doesn't want me to tell Mabel. He doesn't want me to search through the books, says I won't find anything. He's saying he could help convince my parents, and even though I very much dislike them, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy... Sometimes Max even tells me that the deal is still an offer. Pfft. Who the fuck do they think they are?

I'm insane but not psychotic.

Yet.

I'll get there one day haha..

I have to go study more. I'll write later.

-o-o-o-

AN: Guess who's alive~ It me. Hello my dears, I'm sorry and guilty that I've been ignoring this and my everything else... Just the account in general. Depression is a bitch, I have school, apparently diabetes, and that boosts my self confidence twenty fold! :D *cries inside* I've been in the hospital, and I don't have motivation to write in a place like that. It's 12:32 am and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow too so wish me luck, I'll try harder to get the next chapter out sooner.

Also! Very important announcement! This part of the story is going to end very soon, in about a chapter or two. Part two won't be in a journal entry perspective, but I'll probably still incorporate them since Dipper is obviously emotionally constipated with all the demons messing with his poor head ;u;

see you later!

(Also, tell me if there are any grammar mistakes, I'll fix them right up)