Nagisa

I wonder if Tomoya and the other remember me. It would be better if they don't, not that I don't want to be remember, but I don't want the to go through the pain, the grieve of not being with them, of losing them. I knew I wasn't dead or anything, I have the chance to return to the real world. But the wait have be proven, it would be a long time. I wasn't regretting the time I spend with my daughter the time in this dull world. But, yet I always regretted leaving Tomoya. I have not cried ever since that time, yet I always cried, in my heart, drowning in sorrow. I would have given my life, to see Tomoya one last time, now, to tell him how much I love him. But, if I gave my life, what would Ushio do? Ushio might not make it with me to the real world, she didn't said it, but always avoid the topic. I was torn between my love and my daughter. If I could, I would have cut myself into two equal pieces.

But the time have not come yet, it was still early. It has been months since I left, no one's counting, but I could see it, with my own eyes, how the baby grass bulbs turn into long, yellow summer grass. All I could do was to argue within my brain of who I would choice, while I wait for the day to come. Anticipating yet dreading.

Everyday was the same, waddling in long grass, resting, waddling, resting,...

The grass seems never ending, if not for the fact I was driven to see Tomoya, I would have resign to my fate.

I kept humming the song that I adored, the one that my daughter loves.

It was peaceful, lovely day, another day spend waddling the endless tall grass. It was distant at first, but, I could heard it clearly, now loud and clear, the roaring of the waterfall. We were getting closer.

The deafening roars filled my eardrum, screaming inside them, making loud unpleasant noises. But, I didn't cared, maybe this was a sign that we were close, close to the real world, maybe.

Waterfall of sadness was inscribed on the largest rock. Weird names.

Then, I heard wailing and howling, praying and swearing, and a lot of ' If I known this would happened, I wouldn't ...'

The waterfall was alive!

The waterfall was producing crystal, not sugar crystal, salt crystal. The water, the tears. The saltiness of the water was probably higher than that in the dead sea.

The people of the real life, grieving, heart-broken, emotionally scarred. They thrown the sorrow here, upon the waterfall of sadness. Trying to relieve their pain, but to no avail. You can't stop grieving, the world doesn't work that way. You would continue to cry for them, even if they were not there to lend you a shoulder to cry on, or to comfort you. The only way to stop grieving, was to forget about them, which was painful and couldn't be done. Memories can't be erased.

Crystal were growing by the amount, small ones, big ones. On the crystal, were a live image, grieving, pouring its' sorrow out. Each crystal, a different voice, but the same sadden tone.

Some familiar faces were seen, Kotomi, grieving for her parents, Kouko and Yusuke praying for Fuko. Beside each crystal, was a plant with snarling mouth, it would swallowed up the colourful light, like a venus fly trap eating a firefly. The light seems to fuel the crystals. No wonder, the light seems to has gotten less.

In the middle of the raging waterfall, the biggest crystal stayed. I looked at the crystal with dread. Not wanting Tomoya to grieve for me for so long, but not wanting Tomoya to forget me. A lump formed on my throat, fingered crossed, I looked at it, not sure what I wanted to see.

I saw ...Tomoya. I was touch yet unhappy. I didn't want Tomoya to grieve for me.

His figure looked horrible. He was skinny till he looked like a walking skeleton, his eyes were like those of an panda. I looked at his daily routine, horrible was the only word I could found. He worked overtime everyday, drinking and smoking after work. Drunken, he straggled back to the hospital, get told by a nurse that he couldn't visit anyone in his state, washed, and went to my ward. He would kept staring at me, occasionally talking to me. At last, he fall asleep, due to sheer exhaustion. Having nightmares, waking up after a few hour of sleep, and then leave. He was purely torturing himself. He did not go back to our home. Maybe he sold it. I wouldn't blame him. The place have so much memories, he probably can't bear it. That was the home I was quite attached to, but it would have to go. The cycle repeated itself again and again. He always skipped breakfast and lunch. Only eating instant noodle at night. Sometimes, my mother would bring food for him to eat, but he refused. It looked like a part of him have gone into the coma with me.

"If I had known..."

"I wouldn't have..."

"We shouldn't have ...meet" That word hit me hard, I felt like I was crushed by a rock. I knew Tomoya didn't mean it, but, that word...too harsh...can't take it.

I forced every drop of my tears inside, refusing to shed another. I look at Tomoya, hoping I could somehow, tell him to stop grieving for me, that I love him, that I would go back.

Maybe, if I told him that, maybe he would quit smoking and drinking, eat a balanced meal three time a day, wait for me, instead of grieving for me.

If only... If only...