A/N: Sorry for the delay! Real life and all that.
Oh, btw, Bella's back. : wink :
Btw II, I totally borrowed some of this from Midnight Sun. Just FYI. I HAD to do it, I'm sorry.
One more thing, last one, I swear! Lots of hearts and stars for Lalalovely47 for beta-ing this chapter. Seriously, I shouldn't be keeping you from more important things, but your notes for this chapter definitely highlighted some of my ... questionable... plot choices. Haha. Thank you!
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I agreed too easily. I knew that. Even now, as I sat waiting for the rest of the Cullen brood to return home from their unneeded high school education I didn't attempt to deny it.
I swept a fallen leaf off the porch with the toe of my boot, bored. Straying to the edge of the deck and grabbing the rail, I looked to the windows above me.
Hmmm. She isn't there.
That was uncharacteristic of her. I had been coming to the Cullen residence for quite a few days now, more than a week, and Esme always anticipated my arrival from the second floor window above the stairs. For the first few days, she tried inviting me inside, but I declined her invitation however nicely it was delivered. She left me alone now, and it was better this way. I was already more invested in the coven than I should have been, aiding them in even the small ways that I had was a certain betrayal to the Volturi. There was no need for unnecessary pleasantries.
And that was how our daily meetings went. No fake exchanges on my part, no embellishments. I sat with them for a few hours everyday and told them what I could. They occasionally peppered me with questions, but it was all very formal. They expected my afternoon visits, yet they knew I wasn't giving them everything I could; their thoughts made the accusations that their manners would not allow. Alice updated me with her visions first and Jasper followed up, asking me about battle scenarios in the past. I tried to be honest without being too giving of information. I still hoped that this was all for naught, that somehow all of this would end without a war. I needed no more blood on my hands – a lifetime's worth was enough.
The door opened behind me. Apparently she wasn't done trying. I turned around, ready to politely refuse the invitation I had come to expect.
"Edward, I don't want to worry you, but they're late."
I looked to the hiding sun, the clouds were particularly thick today. I frowned. Its position was a few degrees off from where it should have been. I didn't notice it before. There seemed to be many things I wasn't noticing lately.
"How late?"
"Maybe 15 or so minutes? They've taken their time getting home in the past, but not since you arrived…" she trailed off, her thoughts not particularly worried, coming out of the house more for my patience than hers, "It's just that I know you don't like waiting."
I nodded, "Thank you, Esme. I'm sure they'll be by shortly."
"You might want to go check on them? They'll be at school."
I shook my head, "It's fine. I'm sure it's a matter of minutes."
She smiled at me, closing the door and going back into the house to do whatever it was she was doing before. I had no idea what she did all day when Carlisle was at the hospital and the others were at school. I wasn't bothered enough to ask or even to care enough to search through her thoughts, so I resumed my waiting on the porch.
I walked to the far end of the wraparound deck, dragging my feet just to hear the sound, something to interrupt the monotony of the wait. It was almost blissfully quiet this deep in the woods, so easy to hear any movement that it was a predator's playground. Of course, I'm sure they had to venture further into the forest to find anything worth hunting, but it wasn't a bad location. It was somewhere between the untamed wild of the nature preserve and the paved oppression of the town, a kind of nature-purgatory.
Purgatory.
My step caught on a lifted plank and I corrected my step before my body shifted, but the word is what impeded by stride.
Purgatory, indeed.
It was fitting, it seemed to be exactly where I was living these days. Not quite in my own personal hell, but just on the precipice. I would have to leave as soon as this issue with the Cullens was resolved, but there was no foreseeable end it seemed. I suppose I should not have desired a resolution. After all, it would be back to the first few decades of my life, back to the loneliness, no place to call home, no companionship. But I had no other choice did I? No, it was only a matter of time.
I couldn't go back now, not when the temptations of Volterra didn't seem quite as appealing. How could I return when I knew what life could be? That conversations might actually be two-sided? That someone might have interest in me beyond my talents? How could I return when I knew that I could actually feel something? I was weary. Tired even. Tired of thinking, tired of being melancholic, tired of… waiting.
The shrouded sun had moved further in the sky. They really were later than usual.
I called out to Esme, raising my voice just slightly to let her know I was leaving to find them. I heard her say her goodbye from just beyond the door. She never left the spot until well after I was gone, it was as if she thought I might change my mind one day. That eventually, I would come inside, that eventually, I would stay...I took off at a run, irritated with the Cullens. They seemed to be taking things so seriously...to grow complacent now was just bad form.
…………………………………………..
I stopped at the forest's edge, just beyond the school's parking lot. I knew that there were no other vampires to be wary of now, but there was the new problem of avoiding her. I had done a fairly good job for the past week, not that it wasn't difficult. It was nearly impossible, but it was also black and white. I had no choice but to leave her. Nothing had changed since I made my decision before I confronted the Cullens. The fact that they were not the enemy was of no consequence, keeping from her was still the only way to keep her safe.
I scanned the parking lot, looking for a different car this time, and noticed Emmett's off-road vehicle almost immediately. Hell, it was hard to miss being the monstrosity that it was. Emmett and Jasper stood against the passenger side, their rather large figures looking almost comically small against the body of the SUV, its entire length in my line of vision.
I walked toward them with a questioning look on my face as Jasper said something to Emmett with a pointed look. Emmett shook his head, mumbling, taking great care to make sure whatever he was saying was inaudible. I should have known there was a reason that they were late, why they were acting strange even now, but again my instincts were off, just slightly. I should have made the attempt to delve into their thoughts, but suddenly she was invading all of my senses and my body was incapacitated at the promise of her presence.
I smelled her before I saw her, two seconds too late to turn back, my mind suddenly catching up with my body's desire. She looked up the moment she emerged out of the car's profile, speaking in hushed tones as she walked flanked by an excited Alice and a bored Rosalie. She stopped, Alice's smile dying on her lips before she followed Bella's gaze. Rosalie was next, the tight line of her pursed lips crinkling into a smile at Bella's following gasp.
And with a single look I felt more guilty than I ever had.
Guilt. It was a new emotion. That list was growing yet again.
I approached the group of them – my perfect Bella amidst the cabal of Judas'– because it was too late to disappear now. I felt the way I imagined a dog did after being scolded by its owner: tail between my legs.
I knew that it wasn't just the overcast skies that smothered the glint in her eye, after the surprise came the smirk. An interesting choice. It was new, as was the guilt.
"Hello Isabella."
"Edward." My name on her lips soothed me in the ways I had nearly forgotten. I was in a waking dream yet again, simply with the sound of her voice.
I saw the barely-masked panic of my face in the mirror of Bella's eyes; she seemed unnaturally stoic. The smirk had fallen and all that remained was a blank slate. Her heart told the same story as it marched steadily in her chest. It never lied and the truth added pain to the guilt. The silence coursed through us, the two of us staring at each other wordlessly, the minds of the four others screaming commentary in my head.
Dude, you have to say something, Emmett.
Stupid, Rosalie.
Poor guy, Jasper's pity was the worst, At least I know that Alice loves me…this girl doesn't even look like she can stand him…
My head shot to the side for just a split-second to scowl at Jasper. Alice shushed me in her mind, but pitied me the most. Hers was more useful. She broke the silence.
"Bella, I didn't know that you knew our Edward."
"Your, Edward?" Bella questioned without skipping a beat.
"Yeah, he's part of our…extended family."
I could almost see the cogs turning in Bella's head, piecing together all of the lies that I had told her weeks ago, creating a barely believable narrative.
"So these are the long, lost friends you were looking for then," she said it quickly, a flippant comment to match her attitude.
"Well," she stopped herself just for a breath before she finished, "I guess you won't have to leave town…disappointed."
The pause. The lack of words. The indifference, feigned or not. The curt comment. She did it on purpose, I reasoned with myself. She wasn't so completely unaffected. I flattered myself with the thought, for the inverse was too unbearable to fathom. That she might have already moved on, that I might already be a distant memory in her mind when she was still so encompassing of everything in mine was the worst type of heartbreak.
Edward! Say something!
Alice voice trilled frantically in my head, and had she the misfortune of being able to read my mind, she would have heard a particularly offensive chain of indelicate protests. All of them differing variations on words that I should not have even been thinking, let alone saying, in Bella's presence.
It wasn't my idea to talk to her, Emmett's voice chimed in.
I had nothing to do with it, Jasper's cautious tone followed shortly after.
I hope she's mad at you forever. Rosalie, of course. Why she was so predisposed to disliking me I had no clue.
I scolded myself as we stood there, at an impasse, guilty yet again for wanting her to care enough to be angry with me. But she remained silent, continued on with the conversation that she and Alice were having before I had arrived.
She turned away from me slightly, facing Alice completely, "So that biology test, chapters three through six. Mr. Modena said if we memorize the terms in the back and do the discussion questions, we should be more than prepared. Not that you'll have to study at all…"
"Oh Bella," Alice breathed with an air of resignation, "You're probably doing better in bio than I am…"
She shrugged, "I doubt it."
Alice's plans flashed in my mind and the words were out before I could stop them.
"So…are you doing anything right now? Do you want to get something to eat? The diner shouldn't be too busy at this hour…"
I dueled between hoping desperately that Bella might accept and wanting to give Alice a none-too-gentle shove for asking, but I liked her too much, even now. Even when she was meddling, sticking her nose in places where it didn't belong. She was my favorite of the Cullen brood, yes, but every shred of goodwill that she had garnered with me was quickly being turned into kindling. Someone would burn for this, yet I wasn't completely sure that it would not be me.
"No, nothing to do…but I'm not hungry. The diner doesn't sound very appetizing right now, to be honest."
The double meanings of her words were not lost on me as Alice's face was crestfallen. She tried to be cheerful despite the rebuffed invitation.
"Well, next time then? I mean, we have so many classes together…we should hang out. We could be study-buddies or something!"
Bella's demeanor softened at Alice's words. Even I felt the sincerity in them.
"Sure Alice. Why don't you take my number? We can study for our Calculus midterm together."
She pulled the phone out of her back pocket, taking Alice's as she held out her own.
I heard the growl tumble out of my throat, a background noise to the digital beeping sounds of numbers being exchanged, but if Bella noticed it, she didn't show it. Alice's thoughts however, were not as kind.
What?! Alice's mind challenged me, Just because you're not talking to her anymore doesn't mean that I can't!
Another growl in response, there were no words to describe what I was feeling. No. Maybe there was one.
My jealousy was uncontrollable in my throat, the sounds of my protest were the least of it all. In that moment I was jealous of everything! Jealous of Alice and her easy camaraderie with Bella; the way she smiled at her made me boil over with resentment, but still it was only half as infuriating as the way that Bella smiled back. I was jealous of her sweater, which molded and touched and swathed every part of her, needing no bridled discipline, no conscience. I was jealous of the hand that swept the hair out of her eyes and brushed against her cheek as she made attempts to argue with the persistent Northwestern winds. To touch her cheek! It would have been more than enough! Hell, I was even jealous of Rosalie who could stare at her if she wished, whenever she wanted to during the long hours that they spent together at school…but my jealousy was wordless. It hadn't found its voice even as Bella took back her phone and said her goodbyes.
"I guess I'll see you later then, Alice?"
"Yeah! First period tomorrow…can't wait, right?"
Bella laughed at Alice's sarcasm. The jealous beast inside of me snarled wildly.
She took few steps back, craning her neck to make eye contact with the others who stood close by, pretending not to be immersed in every second of our tense exchange.
"Bye Jasper! Bye Rosalie! I'll see you tomorrow in Econ, Em. "
My head whipped to the side, though not for Jasper this time. What surprised me was the easy way she spoke to Emmett. He posed as a senior! They had no reason to have classes together! It was too cruel! And a nickname?! Jealous did not even begin to describe the feeling…
What? Emmett asked innocently in his mind, We have Advanced Placement Economics together. She's ahead a year in some of her classes and she sits across from me. Smart… and pretty. Smells good too. Did I not mention that before?
He laughed a little at his own teasing as he took the opportunity to prod me again, "Yup. See you tomorrow, Bells."
He stressed the 's' at the end of her name, holding it for a little longer than my patience would allow. I nearly lunged at him then, but had the presence of mind to remember that Bella was standing just feet from me. I turned away from his grin to gauge her reaction, but she was already walking away from us, the curling ends of her hair waving the goodbye that her words had not bothered to spare.
I didn't turn away, didn't even try to pretend that I wasn't staring after her, even as her truck pulled out onto the main road.
Uhm, that went…well?
I glared at Alice, my eyes following the bouncing crown of raven hair as she fidgeted nervously in her place.
"No questions today." I barely forced out the snarling words for them to hear, "Not today."
Edward! Wait!
Alice pleaded with me to stay, though her thoughts were unapologetic. I may have even heard her take the first few steps to follow me, but I was too fast even for her. I was already deep into the forest before she had finished the words…
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"He'll come back, Esme. I saw it…"
"He's been gone for three days, Alice!" Esme scolded, "You shouldn't have done what you did! If he wants to stay away from her he should be able to. You can't make him pursue her."
"He's going to do it…he's just wasting his time and hers."
I stopped in my tracks, Alice's words cutting into me as if my heart was made of paper rather than steel. I was approaching the front door of the Cullen house for the first time in three days. It had taken me that long to wallow in my own misery. Yet that misery was only a trifling to what I felt at that moment. He's going to do it… What did that mean? Surely not that…I couldn't…wouldn't…
"You don't know that for certain, Alice." Carlisle's baritone voice was heavy with the skepticism that surely laced his features.. I knew the man well enough to know this, even with a wall separating us.
"Shh…" Alice hissed, "I told you he would come. He's here. Oh…he's not coming in?"
Her light footsteps barely touched the ground before I heard the door creak open behind me.
"Going to do what?" I asked without warning, "Change her?"
"No, Edward! That's not what I meant…"
She flew toward me, grabbing my arm to keep me from running.
"I meant…chase her. You're going to try, at least. She hasn't made up her mind yet. You really pissed her off. Everything keeps changing."
The relief flooded me, so overwhelming that I thought I might collapse from the sheer force of it.
"So she will stay the way she is? She won't become…one of us?"
She hesitated and it was enough to kill the growing light within me, the darkness was rolling in, faster than the reason. I prepared to run again, to flee from the threat of her silence for I knew what it could mean, but her words stopped me when her outstretched hand could not.
"No, not that. At least I don't think so, Edward.."
I wrenched my arm from her, my eyes narrowing into slits as I gave her an incredulous look.
"You don't 'think so,' Alice?! What use are your visions if all you can say of them is you don't 'think so?!'"
Her hands flew to her hips and her eyes were brazen in their storming rage.
"It's not my visions that are the problem, Edward!" she yelled, "It's you! So don't you go blaming me when it's your mind that isn't made up! I can't change the future!"
"My mind?!" I roared at her, "My mind is already made up! It has been made up since I came to see you! And damn it all to hell, Alice, what good has that done me?!"
On some level, I was vaguely aware of the fact that the rest of the coven was hanging on our every word. They had never dared to ask me anything beyond my experience as a guard. Esme's single attempt to inquire about my life outside of my association with the Volturi was met with a resounding silence and the topic was never broached again. Until now…
"Don't go blaming this on us, Edward! You're the one that messed things up with her. You helping us may just be the only reason you stay long enough to fix things!"
"Fix things?! There is nothing to fix! Can't you see that?! I can't have her, Alice! I can't have anything! Not love, not family, not even peace!"
"That's not true!"
I threw up my arms, turning away from her. There were no words to express how vehemently I disagreed.
"It's not!" she protested again, "I've seen it, Edward! You and her. Together! And you're happy, Edward! I swear I saw it, just a flicker, but it was there!You just have to make up your mind."
I collapsed onto the bottom step of the porch, exhausted with the weight of her accusations. Beautiful as they were – and they were perfect – there was no way they could have possibly been true.
"Why are you doing this, Alice?"
My words were weary with the burden of a million dashed hopes and a million more impossible dreams. Misery was bearable, but to keep wishing for even the hope to hope? It was more agonizing than her scent multiplied a thousand fold. It was more agonizing than death.
She came to sit beside me, her side flush against mine. She grabbed my hand, clasping it tightly in hers. Her mind was warm with an affection that I had never experienced firsthand. I had heard it before, among the best of friends, between siblings, but never directed at me. I fought the urge to – to what? – I didn't know quite what.
"You're not bad. Fate just made a mistake with you. Put you in the wrong place. You should have been here, with us, Edward. You should have been here all along."
At the sincerity of her words, the kindness that threatened to swallow me whole, I realized exactly what that urge was. It was the urge to hug her, to show her some sort of affection. I let my head hang into my chest, sighing as she squeezed my hand sympathetically. Affection, the type that wasn't solely for Bella. The list of new emotions was quickly turning into a novel.
She turned into me, her tiny hand still encasing mine as she reached around with her other arm. She flipped our hands so that she could pat the top of mine with hers.
"I know. It sucks, doesn't it?"
I sighed wearily, not exactly appreciating her teenage slang, but understanding it nevertheless.
"Yes, Alice. 'Sucks' does not even begin to explain it."
She shook my hand loose, getting up with her characteristic rapid-change in attitude.
"Then you should make up with her!"
I groaned, my head sinking further into my chest, my hands catching it.
"Alice…" I said forebodingly.
"No, Edward! If you don't want to change her, then don't! It's up to you and I think you can do it!"
Her optimistic enthusiasm lifted me just an inch, yet I still had no grounds to hope.
"And keep her safe? How can I do that?"
"From the Volturi?"
I shrugged. Yes, from the Volturi, but not just from them. From everything, from me…
"I haven't seen them for a while, Edward! And since you've been here, I haven't seen anything at all! See? I told you! You being here has made all the difference!"
"It doesn't matter," I said honestly.
Volturi or not, keeping her safe was my only life's mission, something at which I would not fail. If I had to spend the rest of my existence eliminating every possible threat so that she might have some semblance of safety from the scourge that I introduced into her life, I would. If there was nothing else in this world that I was sure of, it was that I would defend her to the end of the world's edge and back. Volturi be damned.
"Doesn't matter?" Alice asked, the surprise of my statement causing her pitch to rise higher than usual.
"I can keep her from the Volturi. If I have to run with her for the rest of her life, I swear to whatever God this world may have, she will be safe from them…that is the very least I can give her. And besides," I sighed dejectedly, "They could care less about humans. A dime a dozen to them, she wouldn't matter."
"Then what is the problem, Edward?!" She was flapping her arms so frantically I thought she might lift into flight, but she remained, just barely, on solid ground.
"It doesn't change the fact that I don't know how to keep her safe from me."
"What?!" she shrieked, "I already told you! You won't change her!"
I got up, suddenly the tension that had gathered in my muscles was nearly bursting for a means of release.
"Even if I don't change her, Alice…can I deny her? For how long? It is only a matter of time before I lose control! What then? What if I kill her? I should not have tempted fate for as long as I did!"
"You won't, Edward! You were with her for nearly a month and you never even wavered, not once!"
"A month, Alice! One! How many years can I stand her? How many decades can I possibly be so vigilant? All it will take is one second! One breath! One heartbeat! One irresponsible touch! One errant flash of the forbidden. ONE!"
"Edward..." she said, her voice losing its resolve.
"No, Alice. No! Even if I can bare it, even if I can pull off feats of Herculean strength, she will age…she will grow and mature and notice that I haven't and then how can I…if I can…even if…"
I choked back a tearless sob as I stumbled through the words, not caring which of the Cullens was witness to such complete weakness. The crack in the foundation was exposed now, what did it matter if the whole wall came tumbling down?
"And what?" Alice asked with such heartbreaking sympathy that I had to fight the urge to seek solace in her embrace yet again.
"And then she won't want me anymore! If I tell her, she won't want me! And that, Alice, that I really could not bear."
"Edward — " she breathed.
"No," I interrupted, shaking my head, "It's better this way."
"How can it be?" Alice asked with agonizing simplicity, "How can it be better when you don't have her? You love her, Edward. Trust me when I tell you, that is the only thing that matters."
"I don't know…it just has to be…it has to."
Alice sat silently as the finality of my words washed over her. After a moment of our silent despair – hers as much as mine, she loved Bella too though she barely knew her – she went into some sort of strange trance, her eyelids fluttering as she stared into space.
Then, suddenly, she was back from wherever she went to. I had no desire to delve into her mind even as her eyes became brilliant with newfound hope.
She had a small smile on her face but her thoughts were seeping with wordless elation.
"Just do one thing for me, Edward. Promise?"
I sighed, knowing that this little thing of a girl had already wheedled herself into the small cracks in my heart, the only spaces that weren't full of Bella.
"Fine, Alice. What is it?"
"Go and see her tonight, in her room, after she goes to sleep. Just let yourself say goodbye, if only for the fact that it will give you some closure."
I nodded wearily; the protests would fall on deaf ears and I was eager for the conversation to be over.
"But I am telling you now, assuring you, nothing will come of it. It will only break my heart that much more…"
She laughed and the easiness of the sound should have been a warning, but I was too deep in my own self-pity to give it a second thought.
"Don't worry, Edward," she said, barely able to stifle a giggle, "I don't think it can get much worse."
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I stole into her room that night. I never made promises that I would not keep, and the fact that I knew this would be the last time was the sole reason that the guilt did not pollute the cause. The guilt, the shame, the dying hope, the misery – there would be time for all of that, there would be forever for that, but not now. Now, while she was sleeping, was the time for loving her passionately, with all of myself.
Even asleep she was undeniable. The discarded tangle of sheets framed her delicate figure and she was the picture of everything beautiful in this tortured world. The whispering breaths that danced from her lips reminded me of her frail humanity and it made her even more perfect still. I tried to picture what heaven life could be if only I were the sheets that laced through her body, but it was more than I could wish for. Being here, sitting in the far corner of her room, a bystander – even that was too much. She sighed, almost as if she was awake and I should have fled, but everything about her was designed to draw me in.
"Edward…"
The sighing melody of my name was my undoing. The discipline of a century melted away and I was already at her side before she spoke again.
"Edward…I love you."
And with those simple words, every protest I had built fell away. Time stopped. Infinity, eternity, forever – the words that plagued my entire existence, the words that taunted and teased and broke me suddenly weren't long enough. Thousands of sleepless nights and yet it was only after I heard her whisper my name and those words, just once, that suddenly I was dreaming. And not the waking dreams, easy to break, unbearably fragile. No, this dream was real… was flawless… was complete. My name on her lips freed me. A lifetime of servitude and suddenly, too easily, I was liberated.
With those simple, beautiful words I knew that I could never know a life without her. I had no more choice of leaving her than the sun had of rising. It was the natural order of the world. To deny her – deny us – would be to deny the world light. To deny the world life. And a life is what I would give her, for however long she would have me, in whatever way she wanted me.
I let myself be swept up in the fantasy of it all as I imagined our life together: me, giving all of myself to her. Her, wanting me barely as much as I lived for her, but it was enough. The words confirmed it, it was all the justification I needed, the only absolution.
I thought I might cry from the beauty of it, the perfection, but she stirred again. I froze, desperate to hear the words once more. Too greedy, but it did not matter now. I would take this from her, but I would give her everything in return.
"Edward, I – I – " She barely breathed my name and on bated breath I waited, "I — "
I wanted to shake her awake! Hold her, have her, beg her to say the words again. Even in her sleep she tortured me! Even in her sleep I was a slave to her every whim!
"Edward, I – " I moved to her side, my hand stretched forward to wake her, but her words came first, through clenched teeth, " – Edward, I hate you."
What?!
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A/N: I know, right? 'WHAT?!", indeed.
Go ahead. Review. Tell me you hate me, even that will make me put up the next chapter faster.