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EdwardPOV
I recoiled at the words, too shocked or too delusional to believe them at first. But had I any doubt that I heard them correctly, she said them again.
"… Hate…. you," she sighed, turning restlessly onto her side, "Stupid jerk…"
My eyes went wide as I leaned in closer. Caution to the wind now, it was so far gone it may as well have been back in Volterra.
"Mmm, love," she mumbled.
I collapsed back into the corner, wrapping my arms around my body tightly to keep myself from shaking her awake. I loved her, yes, but perhaps I also loathed her.
Why did she have to be so confusing?! Perhaps it was punishment, God's way of giving me everything, but conditionally. The words of authors and poets blazed through my mind. Love is free? Right. What did those old, cosseted men know of love? Nothing, I surmised. How could any person, immortal or not, put pen to paper in the face of such overwhelming confusion?
Her volatility seemed out of character for the Bella I knew, yet still I was reacting. Did I trust her in her sleep? If I did, if I believed the words of love, then surely I had to believe the words of hate. But despite it all, I knew I loved her more than I loathed her. Confusing, indeed.
Was this how humans felt all the time? Battling constantly between their demons and better angels? I always believed that humanity was simple, that for them the choices would come easily.
In my more introspective moments of self-examination I was sure that everything was in black and white. My life in Volterra had been particularly easy in light of this fact. I was a warden for order, all other qualifications be damned. If I was doomed to the half-life of immortality, I would do with it the best that I could. But now black and white seemed almost childlike in its assessment. With her words she roused in me every dueling emotion that had no placement in the spectrum of the light and the dark.
She stirred again, the contradiction of the ethereal smile on her face robbing me of even my desire to stay. I grimaced, leaning over to push the window open. I slipped out, my eyes never leaving her face, the disdain growing still. I gathered the tension in my haunches, briefly contemplating leaving the window open just to spite her, but closed it softly behind me. There was time for retaliation yet…
………………………..
I raced through the open field, my vision bleary with the watercolors of passing shadows, variations on green and black being the only differentiation in the blur. I traveled at breakneck speed, not caring who might see me, the newfound irresponsibility was yet another freed shackle. I slowed only when I was nearly upon the house. I should have known that she would be waiting. She was already bouncing around impatiently on the bottom step of the porch as I broke through the wall of trees. Her chiming laughter rang clear through the silent night as she saw me bound toward her. I saw myself in her mind, and the laughter seemed even more misplaced, I looked positively crazed.
She put her hands in front of her, as if prepared to fend me off, but her laughter did not cease, "Don't worry! It's not a bad thing!"
"Not a bad thing, Alice! What do you mean it's not a bad thing?!"
Her steady, echoing laughter had caught the attention of the others in the house, I could hear them mulling around windows and doors, trying to get a visual to accompany the audio commentary. I could tell from their piqued curiosity that Alice had not told them what she saw in her vision. Emmett's thoughts assaulted me first, his voice was booming even in my head. I groaned as I heard a window open on the far corner of the house. He poked his thick head out and I had the fleeting image of shutting that window… right over his neck.
"What's going on out here?" he called out, the teasing already dripping in every word.
He was speaking to Alice more than he was speaking to me, he knew better. I tried to cut her off before she answered, but while I may have been faster than her in a footrace, her mouth traveled at lightening speed.
"Ali—"
"--Edward's having girl problems!"
I snarled at her, bearing my teeth, and all that she had for me was a smug smile to match her thoughts. I heard her intentions taunting me, clear as could be, she didn't care if I could read her mind or not. Her threat was shockingly brazen – she would have made an excellent Guard -- she was going to drag me into this family whether I liked it or not, kicking and screaming if need be.
"Problems getting a girl?" Emmett guffawed as he launched himself out of the open window, "And Bella Swan of all humans? That's unbelievable. She's hardly the type to play hard-to-get."
I was rushing at him with bad intentions before he even hit the ground. I didn't appreciate his tone. Not when he was speaking about Isabella.
"And what does that mean?" I sneered, my hands dangerously close to attacking his exposed throat.
"Whoa, easy there buddyboy," Emmett said smiling, trying to diffuse the situation.
He clapped me on the back and had his words not placated me, his thoughts were more reassuring. I took a step out of his personal space, leaving him barely enough room to explain himself.
"I only meant," he said eying me suspiciously as he turned his back to me to join Alice on the porch,"… that Bella Swan is easily the nicest, sweetest, kindest girl in all of Forks."
"So?" I asked genuinely, trying not to let on just how badly I wanted his insight.
"So I find it surprising that you're having a hard time charming her. Which isn't to say that she's easy," he amended quickly, seeing the tightening of my jaw, " ...She never gives any of those bozos at school the time of day, but up until a few weeks ago it seemed like she was really starting to like you."
He stifled a chuckle and cut himself off, but his mind was still running. He did well to shield me from most of it. He was already picking up the tricks that made reading him more difficult. It was surprising that he was the first to attempt to cloud his mind from me. I assumed that Alice would be the first to figure it out. Yet, as I heard only flashes of a conversation between the two of them amidst a rapid recitation of Black's Law Dictionary I knew that, again, I had underestimated his intelligence.
"Emmett…" I warned, already tired of the game.
He laughed again, this time with Alice joining him, their two laughs a harmony of teasing and mockery that I wasn't sure would go unpunished.
"I'm just having a little fun, Edward," he said easily, "You should try it sometime."
Alice looked up at me from her seated position on the porch, a small smile on her face, "Seriously, Edward, you're always so… Sullen."
With the most uncomfortable, most self-loathing, most relentless sort of embarrassment I ground out the question that I thought would never come from my lips, "Emmett…. Did she say anything about me?"
Alice clapped her hands together with a patronizing round of applause," Good job, Edward!"
As if my shame wasn't enough, Jasper walked out of the front door, taking a silent place beside Alice. Even for human eyes, the smirk would have been difficult to miss.
"Well," Emmett started slowly, "I didn't even know she was talking about you at first. She came into Econ about a month ago, all smiles, and you know me… I couldn't help but ask."
When he paused again, appraising my reaction, I wanted nothing more than to strangle him at exactly that moment. He was clearly taking pleasure in mocking me and meddling, he was just as bad as Alice. No, the enjoyment he was getting out of this was too great, he may have even been worse.
"And?" Alice asked for me almost immediately.
She was growing impatient as well. And irritated, too. She hadn't known of this particular conversation between the two of them and her displeasure at being kept out of the gossip gave me just a small bit of satisfaction.
"And," Emmett continued, " after much prodding on my part, she finally admitted to there maybe a guy in the picture."
Emmett shrugged, his thoughts suddenly clear of the mindless recitation.
"That's it?" Alice practically shrieked, "How can that be it?"
"That's it," Emmett said with finality, "After a few weeks, she went all quiet and gloomy for a few days. Then, after that little lover's tiff in the parking lot the other d--"
He stopped for a moment. I could tell he was trying to suppress a smile at Jasper's interrupting chuckle.
Alice elbowed her partner swiftly in the ribs, warning him out of the corner of her eye, "Go on, Em. After the parking lot, what?"
"Like I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," Emmett said with mock-indignation, glaring at Jasper – If I didn't kill one of them tonight, it would be a small miracle -- "She wasn't so much dark and gloomy as much as she was… Well, pissed off is really the only way to describe it, I guess? More than pissed off…raging bitch is probably a better description. And considering that this is Bella Swan we are talking about, that's really saying something…"
"Oh GOD," Alice said with wide eyes, "That means she actually meant it!"
"Meant what?" Emmett and Jasper said at the same time, laughing immediately at their shared interest, the two of leaning into the conversation like two teenaged girls.
I shook my head at Alice, warning her," Don't."
"But, Edddwaaaaard."
"No, Alice."
"But…"
"I mean it. Don't."
The faint chirping of crickets permeated the silence as she and I stared at one another, challenging the other to break first.
"Meant what?!"
Four sets of eyes shot to the window above the stairs where Rosalie sat perched in the window, quickly trying to pretend she wasn't completely invested in the conversation. Great, the bitch has something to add too?
"Not that I care or anything," she amended quickly, "but you can't start a story and not finish it."
She tumbled out of the window with a flourish that I was beginning to believe was characteristic of her behavior. She liked fancy appearances.
She scooted to the far post of the porch, throwing her legs into Emmett's lap as she leaned back onto her elbows, her blond hair nearly brushing the wooden planks of the deck.
"Well?" she asked, trying not to sound too intrigued.
The three other sets of eyes shot back to my face, Alice's urging voice pushing out any rationale thought. Besides, what did it matter now, they all knew the depth of my obsession, trying to hide it was useless.
"Fine, go ahead."
"EdwardwenttoseeBellainherroomaftershewenttosleepandshesaidshehateshim."
She said it so quickly in less than a breath that it was difficult even for our sensitive ears to pick up. Difficult, but not impossible, that much I could surmise from Emmett and Jasper's raucous laughter.
"I was right!" Jasper spoke up for the first time, pointing at me, "She can't stand you!"
Rosalie was biting at her lip, still trying not to smile, but her thoughts were the most interesting of the lot. Doghouse, there's no doubt about it, and he'll have a hell of a time getting out of it.
"But you do think she'll forgive me?" I asked, looking straight at her.
She drew herself up from her elbows, launching herself easily into Emmett's lap. She sighed, tossing a lock of her blond hair behind her.
"I don't know. Maybe."
I turned to Alice with pleading eyes.
"It depends on what you do next, Edward. Like I said, everything with you and Bella keeps changing."
"I didn't do anything."
"Then why does she hate you?" Emmett asked.
"She said she loves me, too," I admitted almost bashfully, counting the blades of grass at my feet.
"Ohhh!" Alice squealed, shooting up from her seat on the step, "And you actually admitted it without any prodding!"
The entire scenario was getting weird, too weird, bizarre. I suddenly felt naked in front of these vampires that I barely knew.
I cleared my throat," I should get going."
Alice rolled her eyes, but the change in my demeanor was clear even to her. I'd had my fill for the evening.
"Fine," she agreed, ignoring the sound of protest coming out of Emmett's throat, "But we will see you tomorrow, right?"
"Yes," I said honestly, still unable to look at them, "Of course."
The awkward and abrupt end to our almost human conversation had me wanting desperately to flee. I was nearly off before Alice's petite hand caught my arm.
"You're going to have to apologize, Edward."
"But I didn't do anything," I repeated.
"You disappeared."
"I'll have to disappear eventually," I sighed, admitting the certain truth.
"Maybe," she smiled at me, "but not yet… Not tonight."
I smiled at her genuinely, the awkward feelings already a memory. In her thoughts she charitably flicked through the still images of her vision.
"No, Alice…not tonight."
……………………………..
I would apologize.
I hated to do it, didn't want to do it, loathed myself to do it.
But I saw no other option… Alice showed me her visions and in them I was here. Waiting for Isabella at her truck.
I leaned heavily against the door, flecks of cracking paint poking at my skin, reminding me that the truck, while significantly more durable that its modern counterparts, was also very, very old. The responding groan of its parts at the removal of my weight made me briefly wonder just how very old it was, probably not too many years less than me.
I heard Angela first, she was the most reliable, silently thanking the merciful clock. School was nearly over, they were already gathering their things. I straightened in my spot, loosening the tension shoulders, wanting to look slightly less vigilant. I could not help it. It was my natural stance.
I watched the moving hallways in Angela's mind, each step with Bella at her side, bringing her closer to me. A moment later, the red-auburn of her hair emerged from the main entrance. I would know the color anywhere, it was completely unique to her.
She walked into the direction of her truck, nodding absentmindedly between Angela and the other one – Jessica, though Angela knew she was not listening. She kept her eyes trained on the floor in front of her, stepping over cracks in the pavement, a small frown on her face. She waved goodbye to her friends, not bothering to look at them. She really did seem sad.
She did not notice me until it was my feet that interrupted her fascination with the black-topped ground. I chose a smile, she seemed to like it when I smiled.
A small sound of protest escaped her throat as she slowly brought her eyes from my feet to my chest, the whites of her knuckles were telling as her gaze reached my chest, and finally, a grimace as her eyes met mine. She was adorably furious, though in the back of my mind somewhere, I was fearful of what such fury might mean for me. She had the potential to harm me more than any other being – human or vampire—had before. I treaded carefully.
"Hello, Isabella."
She ripped her arms out of the straps on her bookbag, violently pulling open the zipper, feeling around with a strange intensity. Frustrated, she paused for a moment, to grimace at me. She meant to push me out of the way forcefully, but her hands were just barely brushing against my side. I moved away from the door to appease her.
"I'm sorry." I said immediately, resolutely, easily. I had already come to terms with the decision.
"And?" She questioned.
"Is there supposed to be more?"
She rooted in her backpack with a new fervor.
"Nope, I guess not," she said sarcastically.
She confused me with her actions; maybe it would help if she heard it again.
"I really am… Sorry."
She dropped her backpack when her hands abruptly stopped searching. She swore as she moved to pick it up off of the ground.
I reached it first, holding it out to her, "Isabella?"
"Yes, Edward?"
"I said I'm sorry."
"Yes, I heard you. Both times."
I frowned, more confused than before.
"Yet you are still angry," I said as a statement.
She swiped her bag from me, grabbing the keys from the open pocket and flinging it into the bed of the truck.
"Do you know," she seethed, "That I waited for you? For three hours?"
"Yes, like I said, I am sor…"
"And that the next day, I waited … AGAIN?"
"Yes, but---"
"Do you know… That I waited for you… Everyday…. FOR A WEEK?!"
I kept my mouth shut. Apologizing seemed only to be making it worse. Her eyes started to water, not enough for a human to see, but just slightly enough that I noticed. She was sad again. It made me sad and I felt impossibly lonely in that most familiar way.
She turned away, jamming the key into the rusted lock. She was leaving.
No, don't leave!
"Bella," I pleaded, "I can't explain… Just know that it was for the best… I had no intention to waste so much of your time –"
"Waste my time?!" she demanded, turning around, barking the question at me, "You think that's what this is about?"
"I don't know, Isabella!"
"Right…" she said sarcastically, opening the door.
"I swear, I don't! You have to tell me… I won't understand otherwise… I don't know how to---"
"You can't just disappear on someone when you're… If you're… When two people are…."
I shook my head, my patience wearing thinner and thinner with every sentence that never made it off her lips.
"When two people are what?" I asked honestly. What does she mean?
"When two people are … dating!" She ground out the last word, the flush of her cheeks admitting her embarrassment.
She thought we were dating? I was incredulous at the though. Dating? Me? Dating? How? When?
My wide eyes seemed to infuriate her and she climbed into her truck, another curse word, directed at me this time, muttered under her breath.
I should have been mortified, but I was … What was I? The cold, immovable stone of my face contorted into a curve….
I was delighted.
I tried to pull open the door, but she locked it just as I reached forward, and though the window was open, I had no desire to exacerbate her annoyance.
"But… Bella," I pleaded with her, "Everything, well not everything. But some of it. It's different now!"
"Is it?"
"Yes," I said, nodding my head vigorously," It is different enough…"
"Will you tell me where you've been this entire time? Will you tell me why you disappeared?"
I moved away from the door, baffled that she was irritated over the one issue that I could not address. She had never shown her annoyance at my secrecy before, had never even mentioned it, that she was using it against me now… When we were so close…
My mouth pursed into a thin line, the words barely escaping my lips," No. No, Bella, I cannot tell you that, but I am sorry. I will not do it again."
She started her truck, the way it rattled shaking a loose tear from her eye. I watched it spill onto her cheek as she shifted gears.
"It's not enough," she said, the truck rolling away from me, "Not nearly enough…"
……………………………….
I watched her from my safe space in the corner, thinking for the hundredth time of all the ways she might reject me. I ran through the worst-case scenario in my head: I would wake her up, beg her to let me explain, she would still be angry, and ask me to leave and never come back. I had a carefully crafted idea in my head. I would tell her a story of half-truths, but no lies. No, she would realize too quickly if I attempted to deceive her. She was much too intuitive. Much too quick.
The subsiding crispness in the air warned me of the short hours until daybreak. It would be bright today, I could feel it, and if I was to escape the rising sun, I would have to wake her now. I had cowered in the darkness for long enough.
I strode purposefully toward her, reaching forward, softly shaking her awake.
"Bella," I whispered, hoping the adoration in my voice was palpable," Bella, wake up…."
She smiled at the sound her own name and stirred, her breathing a wistful sigh.
I ran a cold hand over her hair, whispering into her ear, luring her into fleeting night.
"Wake up, Bella... Wake up..."
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A/N: I have a thread?! What?! I didn't even know that I had a thread! That's ill. Because of said illness, this chapter is dedicated to iwilson and dmnsqrl and TheNotoriousR.
And yes, this fic will go back to normal after this next chapter.