Chapter 18: A Bump in the Road
Fiona nervously paced the kitchen, impatiently watching the oven, in an attempt to distract her nerves. She and Caroline had been together for a year now and she was preparing a special meal for when Caroline got home. She had again secured Celia and Alan to keep Flora tonight, though they were just staying in the granny flat next door. Her nerves had naught to do with the meal though, but more the conversation she was planning in her head.
It only took Fiona a few months to fall totally in love with Caroline. When she thought back on their first encounter in the park, she could see now that something had sparked within her then, but she had been too oblivious to it at the time. She knew full well when the shift had occurred though, and gone from a strong like to love. That was when she had lost her home to the fire. Caroline had swooped in like an angel and saved her, and been so tender and kind, and loving. She knew then that she loved her and that they were meant to be together, for the next chapter of their lives and she was beyond elated when that was exactly how it had played out. Now she was ready for the next step, and she was sure Caroline would agree, but it didn't make the asking any easier.
She was pulled from her thoughts as she heard the front door open and the sound of Caroline removing her coat and purse. She nervously straightened her hair and quickly removed her apron, wanting to look more presentable for the occasion. She poured two glasses of wine and waited for Caroline to appear in the door.
"Mmmm, that smells amazing," Caroline called as she rounded the corner into the kitchen, a bouquet of beautiful flowers in her hand. She saw Fiona standing with two glasses of wine and smiled and approached her with a kiss, taking a glass from her hand and giving her the flowers. Fiona smiled back and slipped an arm around her waist, pulling Caroline in for another, deeper kiss.
"Happy anniversary, darling, I love you." Caroline says between kisses.
"I love you too Caroline and these are beautiful." She takes the vase and sets it on the counter, admiring the colors and the near perfect roses.
"It's lasagna for dinner. I've got salads and bread as well. I hope you're hungry." She gives an affectionate squeeze to Caroline's hip and they stand a long moment just looking into each other's eyes.
"I'm starving. Where's Flora?"
"I've arranged for Celia and Alan to watch her next door. I wanted us to enjoy our one year dinner alone." She smiles suggestively before planting another passionate kiss on Caroline's lips and then crossing to the fridge to get the salads.
"You are too good to me Fiona, how did I get so lucky?" She watches Fiona walk across the kitchen, smiling at the sight of her. God, how I do love this woman.
"I think I'm the one who's lucky, you have been my guardian angel, and a damn sexy one at that." She winks seductively as she takes the salad and two bowls into the dining room. Caroline follows and sits at the table, admiring Fiona as she plates the salads.
"Oh, I don't know about that. You are the one who saved me and I'm sure I got the better end of stick when it comes to having the sexiest girlfriend alive." She bites her lip and casts a sexy smile to Fiona, who looks up from her work and smiles coyly back.
"Well, let's just call ourselves even then, eh?" She hands Caroline a bowl and takes a seat next to her and they dig in to their salads. The oven timer buzzes and she quickly gets up to retrieve the lasagna, placing it on the table between them before settling back into her seat.
"Fiona, I am so happy. You make me so happy." She puts down her fork and takes Fiona's hand, giving it a squeeze and looking thankfully into Fiona's eyes.
"So am I Caroline." She squeezes her hand in return, as the nervous butterflies start their assault on her stomach. She takes a nervous breath and decides to just jump in with it.
"You know, I was, umm, I was thinking. Our lives have been so perfect and wonderful this last year, since we've been together and everything has seemed to just fall into place," she shifts a bit nervously in her seat, and reaches for her pocket.
"Yes, they kind of have, haven't they. It's a bit funny, maybe even weird, how smoothly everything has gone." She continues eating her salad, still watching Fiona, but doesn't see that she's reaching in her pocket.
"So, umm, so I thought maybe we should…" she sets a small blue box on top of the table and pushes it toward Caroline. Caroline stops eating, and sets down her fork, looking timidly at the box before her, her stomach now turning anxiously.
"Caroline, would you marry me?" Fiona takes Caroline's hand and looks at her, waiting nervously for a reply. Caroline sits quiet a moment, not taking her eyes off the box. She takes a deep breath and slowly starts to speak, trying very hard to keep her voice calm and the tears from spilling from her eyes.
"Oh Fiona…I…I…can't." She finally squeaks out, the tears winning the battle and now rolling down her cheeks. The nervous smile on Fiona's face fades and Caroline's heart breaks seeing the distraught look that replaces it. The devastation is clear in Fiona's eyes, which have now flooded with silent tears. Caroline turns in her seat to face Fiona, taking her hand into both of her own.
"I love you Fiona and I do want to be with you. I just…I just don't think I can marry again. The last two were…ruined…and I just don't want that to happen again…Fiona, look at me, talk to me." She runs her hand up Fiona's arm, stopping under her chin to raise her face to her own.
"Caroline…I've…I don't know what to say. I think, I think I should…go, I need time to think." Fiona wipes a tear from her face and raises her gaze only momentarily to Caroline. The hurt in her eyes is more than both women can bear, and Caroline drops her hand, as each of them returns their gaze to the table. They sit in the first uncomfortable silence they have felt in over a year. Fiona finally rises, taking the box off the table and placing it in her pocket. A piece of Caroline's heart breaks off as she watches. Fiona gently touches Caroline's hand on the table and turns slowly to walk out the door.
"Fiona, please don't go. Please, we can talk about this." Caroline practically pleads as she stands and follows after her. Fiona turns slowly, wiping the tears from her cheeks and looks into Caroline's eyes.
"No, not now. I need time to think, and I think you do too. We each need to decide where we go from here. I'm going to Clare's and I'll call you in a few days." The sorrow in her voice is evident and it begins to crack as she speaks. She leans in and kisses Caroline on the cheek, before heading upstairs to pack a bag and leave. Caroline stands speechless in the kitchen, the tightness in her chest growing with each passing second.
Fifteen minutes later Caroline hears the front door close as Fiona exits and the full force of the situation hits her. The tightness in her chest makes her feel as if she's choking and the rush of sadness and fear takes over. She collapses into a mess of sobs on the kitchen floor, certain that she's just lost another woman she loves.
Oh god, I've fucked it up again. Why do I always ruin it with the ones I love most?