Chapter 19: Break Through

It took Caroline an hour to compose herself enough to get up off the kitchen floor. She looked around aimlessly at the room before remembering that her mum and Alan were next door with Flora. She wiped her tear stained cheeks and washed her face in the sink trying to restore composure, regain control of her emotions. She straightened her clothes and stepped out the door, in the direction of her mother's flat.

When she approached the blinds were drawn, but she could see the light seeping through the cracks. She knocked weakly on the door, waiting for an answer. After a few seconds the door opened and Alan stood before her. The look on Caroline's face and the puffiness of her eyes told him something was wrong, but before he could even ask Caroline was crying again, throwing her arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. He was slightly taken aback by seeing her in such a state, but he ushered her in holding her as he shut the door.

"Caroline love, what is it? What's wrong?" He said as he patted her back and squeezed her tight. Celia heard the commotion and came in from the other room, a concerned look on her face. She saw the two embracing and immediately sped to them, her arms flying up to Caroline in an attempt to comfort her.

"Oh Caroline love, what's happened? Talk to me love, what's the matter?" Caroline lifted her head from Alan's shoulder and turned to embrace her mother, sobbing the entire time.

"Oh mum, she's left. Fiona's gone, and it's my fault." She chokes out between sobs. Celia ushers her to the couch and sits her down, taking her protectively under her arm, planting soft kisses on her head.

"It's alright, love. Tell me what happened, I'm sure it's nothing that can't be fixed." She strokes Caroline's arm and rocks her slowly as the sobs start to die down. Caroline takes a deep breath and Alan hands her a tissue from the table. She blows her nose and wipes her face, still looking blankly before her.

"She asked me to marry her mum, and I…I said no." The tears start again, but she's better able to control them. Alan sits down in the chair next to them and quietly listens.

"Well, why would you say that, Caroline? I thought you two were happy. Why wouldn't you want to marry her?" Celia looks to Alan, a slight look of confusion on her face. He returns the look with a frown.

"I do…I mean, I would…I mean, I don't know…" she sniffles and wipes her cheeks again, Alan leans forward and hands her another tissue.

"Ok, then what is stopping you, love? There must be a reason you said no," Celia gently reasons.

"Not a good one. It's just…I've done it twice mum, and it didn't work. My marriage to John was…unfulfilling, to say the least, and my beautiful…Kate…was taken from me less than a day after our vows. I just…I can't…handle another one falling apart. I love Fiona. Why can't that be enough?" She sniffles again, wiping the tears from her eyes and finally looks up to her mother, her eyes begging for an answer that Celia doesn't have.

"Well love, did you ask her that? I'm sure she has reasons why she wants more. Perhaps you should talk to her about them." She rubs Caroline's thigh warmly and wipes a tear from her cheek.

"I tried to talk to her, but she said she needed time to think. She packed a bag and left. She said she'd be at Clare's and would call in a few days. I don't know what to do mum. I hurt her so badly; I could see it in her eyes. I don't know if she'll be able to understand, or if she'll be able to forgive me. I think I've…lost her." The sobs start again and she falls into her mother's shoulder. Alan rises from his chair and sits on the couch next to her, offering a firm hand for support.

"Just give her a few days, love, to calm down, then call her and go to her, and tell her how you feel. She loves you and I'm sure you can work this out. Just be honest and listen to her side as well." He pats Caroline's knee and she lifts her head, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze.

"I can't lose her too. What will I do if she won't forgive me? I love her and I don't think I could live without her." She stares straight ahead, lost in her on worry. Alan and Celia both take one of her hands and squeeze it tightly. Celia looks at Alan with a knowing smile.

"Well, love. I think you know what you want then, don't you." He smiles warmly and winks as Caroline turns to look at him. A faint smile crosses her lips and she leans in hugging him and kisses his cheek. She turns to Celia and hugs her tight, kissing her cheek as well.

"I love you mum, and I love you too Alan. Thank you." She takes them both into a group hug on the couch and they all share a small laugh.

"And I love you Caroline. Now, go on home and get some sleep. Flora can stay here tonight. Just give Fiona a few days and I'm sure she'll call, but if she doesn't then you call her. Tell her how you feel and don't just let it go like this." Celia squeezes her hand and swipes a strand of hair from Caroline's face, before planting a kiss on her cheek.

The three stand and walk to the door. Alan hugs Caroline warmly, and gives her a reassuring nod before Celia kisses her cheek and hugs her one last time.

Caroline turns and walks out the door, feeling only slightly better. She's still not sure Fiona will forgive her, and if the offer will even still stand if she does. Her heart also sinks as the thought of sleeping alone tonight registers in her mind.

oOo

Fiona had called Clare when she was packing her bags, to tell her she was coming over and make sure they were home. She had told her what had happened, since Clare had known her intentions of proposing, but she hadn't gone into full details, saying she would tell her when she arrived.

She pulled up to Clare's house and sat for a few minutes, the weight in her heart and the tears rolling from her eyes making her unable to move. She finally willed herself to get out of the car, walking around the side to retrieve her bag from the trunk. She walked slowly up the path to the door, letting the tears fall down her cheeks as they came. Just as she approached the step, Clare opened the door, pulling her mother into her arms. Ian stepped from behind her and took her bags, carrying them inside and shutting the door behind them. They stood in the entry for a few moments, Clare hugging Fiona tightly as she cried.

"Mum, I am so sorry. Come, sit down and tell me what happened. Ian's got tea on and Emma's gone to bed." She guides her mother to the couch and they sit, Clare handing her a box of tissues from the table. Fiona looks up, with a sad smile and takes the box, setting in on her lap.

"Well, I asked her. I pulled out the box and set in on the table. She didn't even look, she just said no." She wipes a tear from her cheek and sighs heavily.

"Well, did she give a reason? I'm sure there's a reason." Clare asks reassuringly, as she takes a cup of tea from Ian and sets it on the table in front of her mother.

"She said the last two hadn't worked, so she didn't want to go through that again." She wipes a fresh flood of tears from her cheeks and takes the cup from the table, holding it gingerly to her face, as if the warmth might dry the tears from her eyes.

"Well mum that does make sense. I mean, her first marriage failed and she lost Kate immediately after theirs. I think it's perfectly natural for her to have apprehensions. Did you at least talk about it, tell her why you wanted it?" She rubs her mother's arm and looks at her with a questioning gaze. She knows all too well her mother's tendency to slink off when her feelings are hurt, shutting down any attempts at an apology by the offender. Fiona looks up, meeting Clare's eyes and sighs heavily into her mug.

"No. I was too upset, and I didn't want, I was afraid, to hear it. I love her, more than I ever expected and what if…what if, she doesn't feel quite the same. I can't bear the thought of losing her too. Hannah was enough." She sets down her mug as hot tears start falling again, and she reaches in the box for a tissue. Clare pulls her in to a warm embrace, rubbing her back for comfort. Ian, who has been quietly observing from the arm chair next to them, reaches out and places a reassuring hand on Fiona's knee.

"I have no doubt she loves you just the same Fiona. I've seen the two of you together enough to know that. Actually, it's probably quite obvious to anyone that sees you two together." He squeezes her knee as she looks up at him, wiping her nose, then smiles shyly and squeezes his hand.

"That is absolutely true mum. She probably just needs time to process her feelings, and you need some time to get over your hurt. I think you should talk to her, give her a chance to explain more, and give you the chance to tell her how you feel. Stay here as long as you like, but if you don't call her within a week, I will." She winks at her mother and kisses her cheek before hugging her tightly.

"How did I end up with such a beautiful, perfect daughter?" Fiona looks up as she wipes the last of the tears from her eyes.

"Oh, I have a really beautiful and perfect mum." She smiles warmly in return.

"Now, why don't you get some sleep? I put Emma in the spare cot in her room, and you can have her bed." She stands and waits for Fiona to rise.

"And talk to her, mum. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think and you two can work it out. You are too good together, and there's too much love between you, to let this little bump ruin things." She kisses Fiona's forehead and hugs her once more. Ian stands and hugs Fiona as well, reassuring her with his gentle gaze.

Fiona heads upstairs and gets into bed, without changing her clothes. She knows sleep will be impossible without Caroline next to her, so she lies on her back and just stares at the ceiling, as the thoughts go racing through her brain.

What if she still says no, even after I tell her how I feel? Can I really handle that?