Chapter 23: Bombshell: Part 2

Caroline finally gave up on any chance at real sleep around 5:30am. She decided to get up and get ready for work, going in early to avoid any discussion with Fiona. She was relieved to find that Fiona had fallen asleep, so she set about the room getting ready, making as little noise as possible. She made a quick check on Flora, who was still fast asleep, and was out the door within half an hour, arriving at school a full hour before her usual time, which was always earlier than everyone else anyway.

She needed quiet time to think, to really process what Fiona had told her, and figure out how she felt about it. Most of her night had been spent thinking, rolling over Fiona's words in her brain, but nothing had been accomplished, expect for the now pounding headache. There was so much more she wanted, needed, to know and so many questions she wanted to ask. Fiona had never spoken of any of this before, and the sudden admission had left Caroline feeling as if she had been lied to, something she had little tolerance for. It was that feeling that gnawed at her the remainder of the day, slowly working her confusion into crossness. She decided that she had to talk to Fiona that night; she needed more information before she could decide where to go from here.

oOo

Fiona spent the day agonizing over her disclosure and Caroline's tepid behavior after. She knew her past was a big deal, no matter how changed she was now, and was all too familiar with the problems it sometimes caused in her relationships with other people. It had never affected her work, as she had never been convicted of any crime, but it didn't play out so smoothly in her personal endeavors. She had lost a few friends over the years, which she had felt were very close, once they found out about her past affiliations. Hannah had even had a hard time taking it in at first, asking Fiona for a break to sort out her feelings.

Caroline's cold reaction, and the fact that she had snuck off that morning without so much as a word or kiss, had Fiona's stomach in knots and her heart aching as much as it had when Hannah died. The thought of losing Caroline as well was more than she could bear, but she knew at this point she was powerless to prevent it. Her past was something that she couldn't change and she knew, from past experience, people either forgave her or they didn't, despite how different she was now. She prayed, with every fiber of her being, that Caroline would be one of the former.

oOo

Caroline pulled into the drive at home and sat a long while in the car. Her nerves and agitation were in overdrive and she was working desperately to put them in check. She swore to herself that, for once, she would make every effort to think before speaking or coming to a rushed decision and she would allow Fiona a chance to further explain.

She was greeted by a chattering Flora when she walked in the door, excitedly telling her of the events of the day. She hugged and kissed her daughter, before taking her hand and leading her into the den, where Fiona was sitting on the couch, quietly sipping a cup of tea. The two women exchanged a timid glance before Flora interrupted, proudly showing Caroline the pictures she had drawn her. Caroline cooed over the drawings for a few minutes, smiling and kissing the sweet little girl. She then suggested Flora draw a picture for Celia and Alan, keeping her occupied so she and Fiona could talk. She motioned for Fiona to follow her to the kitchen, taking another deep breath as she turned the corner.

"Fiona, I wanted to talk about last night, about what you told me." She crossed to the island and positioned herself on the side opposite Fiona. Her eye contact was steady but her anxiety was obvious, turning ever tighter the knot in Fiona's stomach. Fiona didn't speak, unsure of what to say and even more unsure that she could even construct a sound.

"Right, so…" she nervously crosses her arms in front of her, leaning against the counter behind her.

"Is there more to the story, more you didn't tell me? You said you had been caught vandalizing once before, was it only once?" Her eyes lock on Fiona's, the disciplinary head teacher now taking over. Fiona shifts on her feet and looks away, guilt written on her face.

"No, it was more than once. I had participated in vandalizing property with the group a number of times. We would paint slogans on public buildings or paste anti-monarchy flyers on rubbish bins and street lamps, little things like that. I had been caught twice before, but I was only 15 at the time so they called my parents and sent me home, never charging me with anything." Her eyes remain locked on the island in front of her, as she crosses one arm in front of her, grabbing the other at the elbow.

"Why Fiona, why did you do it?" exasperation taking over Caroline's voice.

"Because I was young and stupid," Fiona shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head, showing she knows it's a bad excuse.

"So, did you sympathize with their cause? Do you still?" Caroline questions, in a slightly accusatory tone. She uncrosses her arms and steps toward the island, bracing her hands on the counter.

"I did, or I thought I did, at the time. After the bombing though, it scared me and woke me up to what was really going on. I decided to educate myself then, so I could make my own informed decision on what I believed was right. Although I could understand a number of things that the IRA was fighting for, I ultimately felt that independence was not in our best interest, and I wanted absolutely no part of any of the violent activities they condoned." She moves to the island as well, looking directly into Caroline's eyes, regret obvious in her gaze. Caroline watches her intently, reading her eyes, but doesn't speak. After a moment Fiona continues, in an attempt to repair some of the damage.

"That's when I moved to Liverpool. I needed to get away, there was nothing left for me there. My dad died from a heart attack 2 months after Liam was killed, and my mum ended up so depressed I had to put her in an institution. She died there, just after Clare was born. I've told you everything else, after that." She sighs heavily, looking timidly to Caroline.

"Why have you never told me any of this? Why am I just hearing all of this now, 18 months after we've been together, 3 months before we are to marry? I feel like I've been lied to Fiona." There's an edge to her voice now, on the verge of anger, pushing Fiona to her edge as well.

"Because I was scared. Because of this, Caroline!" She throws up her hands in exasperation, gesturing between them, obviously alluding to the argument.

"My life from the age of 15-25 was shite, most of the time, and I don't like to relive those memories. I did a lot of things during that time I am not proud of. I am not that person anymore and worked really hard to get away from that past, but almost every time I trust someone enough to tell them about it, they run away. I have lost many important people in my adult life because of this, and…" she pauses, taking in a sharp breath as the tears start to well in her eyes.

"And, I don't think I could handle losing you. I love you and Flora so much and so I knew I had to be honest with you. You deserve the truth and I wanted to tell you. I just, I just hope you can understand…and forgive me…and realize I'm not that person anymore." she wipes a tear that falls from her cheek and steps back away from the island, needing to create some distance between them. Caroline stands quietly for a long while, absorbing Fiona's last words. She closes her eyes and sighs loudly, rubbing her temples then running her hands through her hair, tilting her head back as she does. She bites her lip, willing her emotions to wait for her brain, before opening her eyes, looking directly at Fiona.

"Fiona, I'm sorry…but, I think I…we, need to take a break for a while. This is a lot to take in, and I really need time to digest it and decide where to go from here." She struggles to get the words out, but remains calm enough not to cry. Fiona drops her head in recognition, remembering the same conversation with Hannah. She turns her gaze to the side while the silent tears fall, willing herself to hold back the sobs. Once she feels she's sufficiently under control, she turns to Caroline and meets her eyes.

"I understand. I'll get my things." There is a heavy silence as the words sink in and they hold each other's gaze. Fiona wipes her nose on her sleeve and Caroline's eyes begin to fill with tears. Fiona knows that pushing Caroline will only make things worse, but it takes all her effort not to run around the counter, take Caroline into her arms and beg for her forgiveness. Caroline can see the devastation in Fiona's eyes and it makes her chest tight, yet she wills herself to stand firm.

Fiona turns and leaves the room, knowing her precarious hold on her emotions is about to crumble and not wanting Caroline to see the monsoon. Caroline remains in the kitchen silently crying, a large chunk of her heart threatening dangerously to break.

A/N: The end is near, but we're not there just yet, so hang in there.