Chapter Eighteen

Kili desperately wanted to ask Fili if he really thought that Kili was going to outgrow him, but he didn't know how to bring it up. For one, he didn't want to embarrass Fili by bringing up something he said while he was on lots of pain medication. For another, he wasn't really sure how he could reassure his brother if Fili did think that.

He was woefully inadequate compared to Fili in that respect. Fili was so good at figuring out what was wrong with other people, why they felt how they did, and then helping them feel better. Kili had seen him do it over and over again, usually with him, but also with Frodo or their friends. Kili didn't know how to do that.

So instead, he tried to show him how much he loved him.

The first thing he did was start sleeping with Fili again. The only night he hadn't spent with Fili had been the night after his surgery, when his parents had to gently pry him from Fili's bed to get him home. It wasn't even really a conscious decision on his part, really. The day after Fili came home, he had curled under the covers with him carefully and didn't leave until the weekend was over and it was time to go to school.

After that, slipping into Fili's bed every night became the norm, even after the blond recovered from his surgery and returned to school. And if either of them woke up with an erection, the other was kind enough to ignore it. Frankly, the fact that Fili got them too made the whole situation much less embarrassing for Kili.

Kili didn't know how else he was supposed to show Fili how much he loved him, though. Besides, the problem wasn't that Fili didn't know he loved him, it was that he thought Kili would eventually find someone he loved more.

Finally, he couldn't hold back anymore. "Why do you think I will love someone more than you one day?" he asked bluntly one night, staring up at the dark ceiling in Fili's room instead of looking at him.

Fili sighed heavily. "I don't know, Kee," he mumbled. "That's what people do, right? They grow up, fall in love, get married…"

Kili frowned deeply. He didn't like the sound of that. Not that he gave much thought to falling in love himself. He had yet to have so much as a crush on anyone in school (something Tauriel still didn't believe) so he wasn't concerned so much for himself.

Fili, however, was a different story. He had never considered the possibility of the blond finding someone he loved more than Kili. He tried to picture Fili meeting some stupid girl and getting married, and his mind balked at the idea.

"Is that what you want? To fall in love and get married?" he asked, chewing on his bottom lip.

Fili chuckled, but it sounded off to Kili's ears. He turned his head so that he could observe the blond, but he could barely make out his features in the dark.

"Who doesn't?" Fili asked in an odd tone that was almost angry but not really. "But I don't think I'll get married."

He said it with such resignation that it was clear to Kili that he wanted to. "Why not?"

Fili shrugged, jostling Kili slightly. "I don't know. I just don't think I will."

"Then why are you worried that I will?" Kili asked in confusion.

"Most people do."

"But you won't, but not because you don't want to?" He sighed in frustration. "I don't understand."

Fili echoed his sigh. "I don't either, Kee."

He let that hang in the air for a moment before propping himself up on his elbow and looking down at Fili seriously. "Okay, even though I've never even liked anyone and even though gay marriage isn't legal in New York," he knew because he had looked it up when he was wondering if Bilbo and Thorin would ever get married, "even with all that, say I do get married one day. How would that change things between us? It's just like when Frodo came. Us loving him didn't mean we loved each other less."

The blond gave him a small smile. "You're right. It won't change anything."

He could tell that Fili didn't really believe that, but he also didn't think that anything he said could change that. It was frustrating that he couldn't set Fili's mind at ease. It didn't help that now he was worried about Fili finding someone else.

He knew he was just being selfish though. He wasn't content for Fili to love him, he wanted his brother to love him best, just like Kili loved him best.

He felt guilty for loving Fili more than anyone else. But it wasn't like he didn't love his parents and Frodo. He did. He loved the quiet Sunday mornings when he would help his dad make waffles (ironically, the only day of the week he didn't mind waking up early). He loved helping his pop with the crossword puzzles in the newspaper. He loved reading to Frodo and helping him with his homework. He didn't want to lose any of them. Losing any one of them would devastate him.

The difference, though, was that losing Fili would destroy him.

Before he could dwell too much on that, Fili interrupted his musings.

"When were you going to tell me you were gay?"

"What?"

"You said that gay marriage not being legal in New York might keep you from getting married," he said.

"Oh, yeah," Kili said, shrugging. "I didn't realize it til a little while ago. It didn't really seem like that big a deal that I had to tell you or anything. I mean, like I said, I've never really liked anyone so it didn't matter. Besides, it kinda felt like everyone already knew but me."

"I didn't," Fili said in consternation.

Given that the older boy had already been worried about Kili outgrowing him, he could understand why not knowing something like this might upset Fili. "Sorry for not telling you," he said sheepishly. "I honestly didn't think it was that important. I mean, it's not like you ever told me that you liked girls."

"I like boys too," Fili commented before sighing. "But I never thought to tell you so I guess I see your point."

"You like both? I didn't know you could do that," he said thoughtfully, unconsciously tightening the arms he had wrapped around Fili's waist. He didn't realize he had to worry about both girls and boys taking Fili away from him.

"I can see the appeal of both," Fili replied, turning into Kili's embrace and pulling him closer. "But I can't see myself with just anyone. They'd have to be pretty extraordinary. That's probably pretty hard to find."

"You deserve it, though," Kili stated with certainty, even if the idea of Fili loving someone more than him hurt his heart. "You deserve everything."

He scoffed. "You have to say that because you're my brother."

The words sat terribly in Kili's mind for a jumble of reasons that he couldn't really explain. "Maybe," he said noncommittally, trying to shake off the feeling of wrong. "Or maybe I just know you well enough to know how great you are."

"Maybe you do, Kee," he murmured before smiling sleepily at him. "Time to actually sleep now, before Dad or Pop hears our whisperings and comes to tell us off."

#

With the idea that Fili could find someone he loved more than him in his head, Kili became more clingy, to the point of foregoing opportunities to hang out with any of their friends unless Fili was there too. He felt a little guilty, both for imposing himself on Fili so much and for ignoring his friends, but Fili didn't seem to mind and his friends barely noticed any difference.

His dad, though, was a bit more concerned than his brother and friends. It had been about two months since Fili's surgery, and Bilbo and Kili were once again doing their Sunday morning waffle-making routine, with Kili in charge of stirring the batter while Bilbo supervised and sliced strawberries.

"Kili," his dad said seriously, putting the knife down. "I've noticed you and Fili have been a little more… affectionate lately. Is there something you'd like to talk about?"

Kili shrugged. "I just… want to make sure he knows I love him."

"Oh, Kili, Fili knows you love him."

"But he told me that he thought I'd love someone more than him one day!" he protested. "I don't want him to ever think that!"

Bilbo sighed. "While I understand, don't you think you might be… taking things a little far? You've both been spending less time apart lately. You shouldn't neglect your friends for each other."

"We're not neglecting anyone!" Kili argued, though he wasn't really sure how truthful he was being as he hadn't really noticed. "I mean, we still hang out with them. We went to the movies last weekend with Aragorn and Faramir. And the weekend before that, Ori came over here and we spent time with him. And we always talk to our friends at school."

"When was the last time either of you spent time with friends without the other around?" he asked. "Other than classes."

Kili shrugged in answer, not really wanting to admit that it was probably Legolas's sleepover and that was well over four months ago. "Why is it such a bad thing to want to spend time with Fili?"

"It's not," Bilbo was quick to assure. "I just don't want you to miss out on anything because you are afraid of losing Fili. Because you're never going to lose Fili, you know. Fili loves you as much as you love him."

"But what if he finds someone he loves more?" he asked urgently. "What if he falls in love and gets married and doesn't love me best anymore?"

"You could do the same," Bilbo pointed out. "You're both growing up."

"I'll never love someone more than Fili," Kili declared vehemently.

His dad frowned at him thoughtfully for a moment. He opened his mouth before quickly closing it with a shake of his head. "Maybe you won't, Kili," he said finally, turning on the waffle maker before taking the bowl of batter from him. "But I don't think you have to worry about Fili loving someone more than you either."

Kili looked at him hopefully. "Really?"

Bilbo smiled at him. "Really. Now why don't you go wake everyone up and tell them breakfast will be ready soon."

He nodded happily. "Okay."

He crept up the stairs with a new lightness in his step, smirking as he snuck first into Fili's room. He paused moment as he just looked at Fili's sleeping form, breath sticking in his throat for some reason as the sun shone in through the window and made Fili's golden hair gleam.

Kili shook his head and stepped closer to the bed, reaching out and shaking Fili gently. Blue eyes blinked up blurrily at him. "Mornin'," Fili mumbled with a smile as he came fully awake. "Breakfast almost ready?"

He nodded. "Want to help me wake Frodo and Pop?" he asked mischievously.

Fili grinned up at him before rolling gracefully out of bed and following him down the hall to Frodo's room. The younger boy was sprawled across his bed on his back, blankets twisted around his little body. Kili caught Fili's eyes and nodded at the bare feet sticking out of the blankets.

They padded closer to the bed, nodding at each other before lightly running their fingers over their little brother's feet. They twitched away instinctively, causing them both to smirk. Spurred on by the reaction, they began to tickle Frodo's feet more aggressively until the small boy was awake and pealing with laughter.

"Stop!" Frodo squealed, squirming to try and escape but getting caught in the blankets.

By silent agreement, Fili and Kili did stop at that, neither wanting to risk waking Thorin with Frodo's squealing.

"Want to help us wake Pop?" Kili asked the smaller boy.

Frodo's blue eyes lit up as he scrambled out of bed, Fili helping him as he ended up getting more twisted up in his blankets. Before leading through the door to their parents' room, Kili put a finger to his lips to signal they needed to be quiet. Fili and Frodo both nodded solemnly, though Fili's serious look was more joking than Frodo's.

He held up three fingers and counted down from that silently, all three of them bursting into the room and jumping on top of their sleeping pop.

"Oof," Thorin grunted as he was unceremoniously woken. He was barely awake before Fili led the other two boys in a tickle attack.

Kili's cackles of delight, though, turned into squeals of protest as Thorin's thicker fingers found his own sides and tickled. They had an advantage with three of them against one, but Frodo quickly turned on Fili and Kili, turning his tiny hands on Fili and leaving Kili to Thorin's mercy.

"Traiter!" Fili cried as he went down at Frodo's attack, trying to roll away from the smaller boy.

"Fee, help!" Kili called laughingly as Thorin pinned him to the bed, mercilessly tickling his sides.

"I'm defeated, Kee!" Fili answered dramatically, falling limply to the bed. "Don't look! Remember as I was!"

"I'll see you on the other side, Fee! Our time together was too short!" he replied mournfully, closing his eyes and throwing an arm over his eyes.

Thorin snorted as Frodo giggled. "You two are ridiculous," their pop said. "Now come on. I'm sure your dad has breakfast ready."

Grinning at each other, Fili and Kili followed their pop and brother off the bed and down to breakfast.

Tbc…

A/N: So finals are quickly approaching so I may not be updating for a few weeks. Sorry for that. I'm not too happy about it either, haha. I'd much rather write than study.