Chapter Twenty Two

Kili knew there was no way he could get himself under control enough to face Fili so soon after his realization, or any of his family really. So he curled under his covers and feigned sleep when Fili came back from his shower.

"Kili?" he called softly. Kili fought to keep the charade up, making sure to keep his breath slow and even. He sighed in relief as he heard Fili's retreating footsteps followed by the door closing quietly behind him.

He didn't like lying to Fili. He had never lied to him before. But this was a smaller lie than the one he'd have to tell him if Fili had asked him what was wrong. Because he couldn't tell him this.

When Bilbo came up a little while later to ask him to come down to dinner, he just shook his head and buried his face deeper in his pillow.

"'M not hungry," he mumbled, not even having to lie. His stomach felt like it was tied in knots. He was sure that he wouldn't be able to get anything down even if he tried.

He felt his dad's fingers card gently through his hair. "Are you feeling okay, Kili?"

"'M fine," he insisted, though it may have lost something being muffled by his pillow. "Just tired."

"Hmm, okay, you get some sleep then," Bilbo said as he walked towards the door. "Good night."

"Night," he murmured back before curling into himself and pulling his blanket over his head.

Kili tried to sleep, but it wouldn't come. He couldn't stop thinking about how disgusted Fili would be once he realized Kili was in love with him. Oh, he'd never say that. He'd probably be extremely nice about it, because Fili would never want to hurt him, but things would not be the same.

And he was sure Fili would be uncomfortable about the number of times Kili slept with him. Kili could kiss spending any time alone with Fili. There'd be no more days like today. Fili would probably be hesitant to go anywhere with him in fear of Kili treating it as a date.

Crap, that's what he had done earlier, hadn't he? How had he missed that? He had cuddled with him in the movies, held his hand all day, practically drooled over Fili when he was eating ice cream…

He was a terrible person. How could he have taken advantage of Fili by taking what was supposed to be an innocent outing to reconnect as brothers and treating it like a date?

Morning came sooner than Kili would have liked. He knew he should get up and go downstairs and help Bilbo make waffles like he normally would, but he honestly didn't think he could summon the effort it would take to pretend that nothing was wrong.

He just lay there and listened as the rest of his family slowly woke up and made their way to the kitchen for breakfast. His heart clenched as he heard Fili in the bathroom before he went downstairs.

How was he supposed to face him?

Bilbo came up to his room a little while later. "Kili?" he said, sitting down on the bed and pulling the blankets down to brush his hair back from his forehead. Kili knew that trick. He was checking for a fever.

"I'm not sick," he protested weakly.

His dad frowned after feeling his no-doubt cool forehead. "Do you feel up for some food?"

"I'm not hungry," he said, shaking his head.

"You need to eat," Bilbo tried to reason.

"Don't wanna," Kili whined, turning and burrowing into his pillow.

"Kili Baggins, I want you to at least try to eat something," his dad said sternly. "Or I am taking you to the after-hours clinic to see a doctor."

"Don't feel like getting up," he said miserably. If he didn't get out of bed, maybe he wouldn't have to deal with figuring out how to hide his feelings from Fili.

"I'll bring you something up," Bilbo replied. "But I want you to at least try to eat it."

And to be fair, Kili did try. But even though the waffle had whipped cream and strawberries just like he liked, his stomach felt like it was full of lead. He was only able to eat a few bites before he set it aside, not even bothering to make it seem like he had eaten more than he had.

The good news, though, that with the amount of effort he expended trying to eat, combined with not sleeping any the night before, he did manage to doze off for a while after that.

Thundering footsteps on the stairs woke him up some time later, followed by laughing voices from down the hall. Frodo must have had one of his friends over. From the amount of noise, he'd guess either Merry or Pippin or both. Sam tended to be a quieter influence on his little brother.

He heard Thorin admonishing them, though he couldn't hear his words. From the thundering of footsteps that could be heard once more on the stairs, he guessed that he told them to go back downstairs.

A few seconds later, his pop stuck his head in his door. "Kili?" he called quietly.

He lifted his head with effort, wincing as moving caused his head to pound. Thorin frowned at him and stepped into the room.

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked, sitting on the side of the bed, not even bothering disguising his fever check.

"I'm not sick," Kili insisted, though he really wasn't sure anymore since his head was throbbing.

"You've barely eaten in twenty four hours. If you aren't sick, you're going to make yourself sick," Thorin commented drily. "Bilbo and Fili are worried about you."

Kili pouted. That wasn't fair. He didn't like worrying either Bilbo or Fili. Worrying both of them was even worse. He was sure his pop knew that, too, or else he wouldn't have mentioned them.

"Do you want to talk about what's upsetting you?" Thorin asked, giving him a knowing look.

"Not really," he replied truthfully, not bothering to deny it.

His pop hummed thoughtfully. "I won't make you talk about it," he said finally. "But you have to come down to dinner and eat at least half of what is put on your plate."

Kili scowled but sighed when Thorin just raised a brow at him. "Fine," he muttered.

"Good," his pop said with smile, standing up and giving him a pointed look. "Why don't you take a shower and come down stairs? I'm sure that'll help your headache."

Kili didn't bother trying to figure out how Thorin knew he had a headache. Instead, he just rolled out of bed and slunk off to the bathroom. He had to admit, the warm water beating down on him did make his head and all his other aches feel better.

He dressed slowly, trying to put off going down stairs. He even took the time to pull his still damp hair into a small bun at the back of his head instead of letting it hang free like he usually did. It was getting to the length where leaving it down made him look unkempt. It didn't look nearly as cool as Thorin and Fili's did. Maybe it was time he got it cut.

He sighed, knowing he was only contemplating his hair length to waste time. He made his way down the stairs with trepidation, sure that even if Thorin wasn't going to grill him over what was wrong, his dad and Fili probably would.

Kili was surprised, then, when Bilbo just smiled at him as he was pulling a dish out of the oven and told him dinner would be ready in a minute. He meandered to the table, which Fili was setting, and sat down.

"Feeling better?" Fili asked, giving Kili a concerned once-over.

He forced a smile and nodded. Fili didn't look like he really believed him, but he let it drop as Frodo and Merry bounced up to the table, babbling happily about some game they had been playing. Bilbo and Thorin brought the food to the table, and they quickly tucked in.

It was hard for Kili to stomach eating with Fili shooting him worried looks every few minutes. Seeing Thorin eye him, though, kept him shoveling food into his mouth.

If he wanted to keep his feelings secret, he was going to have to get better at acting normal.

Fili followed him to his room after dinner, leaning against the doorjamb and not stepping in.

"Did I do something to upset you yesterday?" he asked quietly, looking guiltier than Kili had ever seen him.

"Of course not!" he cried with wide eyes. "Yesterday was amazing!"

Fili visibly sagged in relief before entering the room and stepping closer to him. "Then what's wrong?" he asked, leading Kili to sit down next to him on the bed.

"Nothing really," he mumbled, fighting the urge to lean into Fili. "I just didn't sleep very well the past couple of nights. I think I just need to get used to sleeping without you," he explained in a sudden flash of inspiration. It wasn't even a lie. Not really.

Fili relaxed completely at his words, alleviating the guilt that Kili felt from misleading him.

"It's hard for me too," he said. "But it'll get better. Besides, it's not like we could share a bed forever, right?"

That's exactly what Kili wanted to do. He never wanted to be apart from Fili. It's funny how he felt exactly the same the day before but still didn't realize that he was in love with him. How oblivious had he been?

Whereas Kili would have protested Fili's statement and argued that they most certainly could share a bed forever, he just dunked his head and agreed in a dejected voice.

This was going to be harder than he thought.

#

Kili managed to get through the next couple of months without giving away that anything was wrong. Fili gave him a couple of strange looks at times when he did something out of character, but they were few and far between. To tell the truth, Kili would have been more worried if Fili didn't notice that some things had changed because Kili was trying to change.

He couldn't keep taking advantage of Fili by clinging to him all the time, after all.

He was just thankful that Bilbo and Thorin were too wrapped up in last minute wedding preparations to notice something was wrong.

The day of the wedding finally came. Honestly, Kili thought that the ceremony was pretty boring. And he most certainly did not think about what a wedding between he and Fili would look like. That was impossible and he wouldn't torture himself with impossibilities like that.

Still, he was incapable of stopping himself from sneaking looks at Fili while Thorin and Bilbo were exchanging their vows.

Tauriel cornered him at the reception as he was making a punch run, with Faramir following behind her with frustrated expression on his face.

"Have you figured it out?" she asked without preamble, startling him.

"Figured out what?" he said as he narrowly avoiding spilling punch down his front.

She gave him an unimpressed look. "You know what I'm talking about. You've figured out that you're in love with Fili."

He gave her a panicked look. "Shut up!" he hissed.

"Tauriel," Faramir said in a warning tone.

She just rolled her eyes. "I'm just happy for him. Sheesh!"

"Happy?" Kili exclaimed, unable to keep his eyes from tearing up. "This is the worst thing ever! This could tear apart my entire family! Why would you be happy about it? You're supposed to be my friend!"

Tauriel and Faramir looked stunned as he stormed away, not giving Tauriel a chance to explain. She didn't understand. Neither of them did. How could they?

He stalked past Gimli and Legolas, who looked alarmed at whatever they saw in his face. He noted absently that they were holding hands. It made him even angrier for some reason.

He left the reception hall, shivering slightly as the cool autumn air hit him, making the tear tracks on his face sting. Before he could work himself into an even bigger state, though, arms pulled him close to a familiar chest and Fili's voice was whispering in his ear.

"It's okay," he was murmuring, which only made Kili choke on a sob because it was not okay. And Fili didn't even realize…

"I'm sorry," he whispered thickly. "I'm sorry."

"Hey," Fili said, pulling back slightly and lifting up Kili's chin. "You don't have to apologize. Just… what's wrong?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I don't know," he lied. "I just… I don't know. I'm sorry."

He opened his eyes to see Fili looking at him in such naked concern that he couldn't help hating himself just a little.

"You've been sad for a while now," he said softly, wiping the tears from Kili's cheeks. "I just want to help you. Tell me how."

He gave him a watery smile. "I don't know," he said again, feeling awful. "I'm trying to be happy. I don't want to worry anyone."

"Will you at least stop pretending around me?" Fili begged. "You don't have to put on a brave face for me, you know. I love you, Kee. I'm gonna worry you more if I think you're lying to me. And I know you. I know when you're just faking happy."

Kili winced at that because he was still lying to Fili. "I love you too," he muttered, another tear slipping from his eye. If Fili didn't want him to pretend to be happy around him, he'd stop. It was one less lie to feel guilty about. Besides, if Fili could see right through it there wasn't much point.

"I'll stop pretending," he promised. "And I will try to be actually happy."

Fili gave him a sad smile. "You shouldn't have to force being happy, Kee. Maybe… maybe you should talk to Dad and Pop about this? Maybe you could see a psychiatrist or something?"

"No!" Kili said forcefully. A psychiatrist would trick him into talking. He knew that from listening to Faramir talk about Elrond's job. And he didn't want his parents to think he was depressed or something when he wasn't. "I promise I'll try really hard."

The blond just sighed and held him close again. "I won't make you talk to them," he said. "I just want you to feel better."

"I will," Kili promised.

He didn't really know how he was supposed to keep such a promise. The only thing that would make him feel better was to stop being in love with his brother. Well, Fili reciprocating his love would probably make him feel better too, but that would never happen.

The only thing to do was try to get over his feelings for Fili.

He could do that. He'd do anything for Fili, even if it meant ripping his own heart out.

Tbc…