Chapter Twenty Three
After the incident at the wedding reception, Kili did everything he could to avoid talking to his friends about the situation. It helped that Gimli and Legolas were fighting once more, meaning Kili could steer Gimli into talking about that at lunchtime whenever he attempted to get Kili to talk about Fili.
He stopped going over to the Greenleafs' to practice his archery, using the excuse that Frodo was missing their parents while they were on their honeymoon and wanted him at home. In actuality, he just wanted to avoid the third-degree that he knew Tauriel and Legolas would put him through.
He still practiced on the small range his pop had set up for him in their backyard though. There was something very cathartic about losing himself in the simple motions of draw, notch, and release. He could spend as much time practicing as he wanted, too, because Balin, who was staying with them for the two weeks Bilbo and Thorin would be gone, wasn't familiar enough with his normal practice routines to think anything was out of the ordinary.
Still, Kili made sure not to practice long enough for Fili to come out and watch him with a pinched look of concern.
That didn't mean, of course, that his friends didn't stop trying to get him to talk to them. Tauriel was particularly adamant about talking about it. It was Faramir, though, that ended up cornering him at the end of classes on the Friday before his parents were due back.
"Can we talk?" he asked earnestly as Kili packed his notebook in his backpack.
"Fili's going to be waiting for me…"
"It won't take long," Faramir assured. "I'll even walk with you."
Kili sighed before nodding. It was supremely unfair that it was Faramir asking. He could have dealt with any of the others, but Faramir was always so sincere and thoughtful that he'd feel guilty if he brushed him off.
"Why do you think your feelings for Fili will tear your family apart?" he asked once they were out of earshot of anyone else, not even trying to disguise what he wanted to talk about.
"He's my brother," Kili pointed out in frustration.
"But he's not," Faramir countered calmly. "He's your stepbrother. That doesn't count."
That distinction didn't sit well with Kili, even though his feelings for Fili went beyond brotherly. He didn't want to lose what he had with Fili for anything in the world. He just wanted more.
"He thinks of me as a brother," he argued. "My parents have always treated us like brothers. It would change everything. It would ruin everything."
"If Fili were in love with you, would that ruin everything?" he asked.
"He's not," Kili replied in resignation.
"But if he were, would your parents be upset if the two of you got together? Would Frodo be upset?" Faramir pressed.
Kili snorted. "Frodo asked me if I ever thought about marrying Fili. Pretty sure it wouldn't upset him at all." He thought for a minute about what his parents would think.
In his worst nightmares, he had always envisioned his parents telling him he was disgusting and sending him back into the foster system, but he knew that was ridiculous. He knew Bilbo would never send him away. He had promised him as much years ago. And Thorin, gruff though he was at times, wouldn't disown any of them for anything short of murder, maybe not even then.
Even if they didn't approve of him having feelings of that nature for Fili, the only thing they'd probably do was talk the issue to death, which was something Kili would like to avoid if possible, if only because it'd be embarrassing as hell.
"They wouldn't be upset if they found out about my feelings," he conceded reluctantly. "I don't know if they'd approve of any relationship between us though, not that that matters because Fili doesn't feel the same."
"But they wouldn't punish you for having feelings for Fili?"
Kili rolled his eyes. "They'd make me talk about it, but it wouldn't be a punishment. Not technically at least."
"And if Fili found out?" Faramir asked.
"Fili can't find out," he hissed in panic.
Faramir gave him a sympathetic look and stopped walked, forcing Kili to stop as well. "What's the worst thing that could happen?"
"He'd hate me," he whispered, looking down.
"Fili'd never hate you. You know that," he insisted, placing his hands on Kili's shoulders and giving them a reassuring squeeze.
Kili shook his head as tears welled in his eyes. "But I'm taking advantage of him," he confessed. "He'll hug me or hold me like a brother would and I… don't take it like a brother would."
"You're not making him do those things," Faramir reasoned.
"But sometimes I do!" Kili cried, shrugging away from his friend's hands and throwing his arms out in frustration. "I know that if he sees me sad or whatever, that he'll give me a hug. I know that if I sit next to him while watching TV, he'll put his arm around me."
"Because he wants to do those things!" the redhead insisted. "Fili loves you. You shouldn't feel guilty for accepting his love. It makes him happy to be able to show his love for you."
"But he wouldn't do those things if he knew how I felt," Kili said miserably.
"If that were true," Faramir said, "it'd only be because he would be trying to be considerate of you."
"It doesn't matter," he said with a dismissive shake of his head. "I'm never going to tell him."
"It matters because you're feeling guilty over your feelings and it's hurting you," Faramir insisted. "We all see it. You barely talk to us anymore, you never smile. Gimli even says you don't eat."
"I eat," he mumbled in weak protestation, knowing that was only true because Fili looked absolutely heartbroken the day after the wedding when he didn't eat anything at dinner. He had made sure to at least eat half of his dinner after that.
"You don't eat lunch," he stated pointedly. "And that's not the point. The point is that you're punishing yourself for something nobody would blame you for and nobody would be angry with you about."
"I'm not trying to punish myself. I just… I don't know," he sighed. "Maybe I do feel guilty. I shouldn't have let this happen."
Faramir gave him a sad smile. "You didn't let this happen, Kili. It just happened. You can't beat yourself up over it. You have to just accept how you feel."
"I don't know how," he mumbled.
"Well first, you have to stop treating your feelings as something bad," Faramir told him. "You're allowed to have feelings no matter what anyone might think about them."
He didn't know if it'd be a simple as Faramir made it sound, but he could try at least. Maybe if he could accept his feelings for what they were, he could stop worrying Fili so much. And maybe he could get back to normal fast enough so that neither of his parents would notice anything was wrong.
"I'll try," he said finally before giving Faramir a confused look. "How do you know so much about this stuff?"
He shrugged. "Elrond made me see a therapist after the whole thing with my dad. It's been helpful."
Kili frowned. "You're okay now, though, right? You don't still feel bad or anything?"
"I'm good," Faramir assured him with a smile. "It's just helpful to talk to someone, you know?"
"Is that supposed to be a hint?" he asked in exasperation.
"Well, it wasn't supposed to be, but it works pretty well as one," Faramir replied with a laugh. "You don't have to talk to us if you don't want to, but you can't keep things bottled up."
"It's not normally a problem," Kili admitted with a sigh. "I usually tell Fili everything. But…"
"Yeah, you don't want to tell him this," he said with an understanding smile. "But the rest of us are here for you too, okay? Even if Tauriel can be a bit pushy about it at times."
"Thanks," he said with a grateful smile. "I'll remember that."
"Good," Faramir nodded. "Now, I better turn around and head home. If Aragorn gets home before me, he'll probably call Elrond and Gilraen in a panic. I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you. And thanks, Faramir. You're right," he told him. "Talking helped."
They parted ways then, Faramir walking back in the direction of his house and Kili picking up his pace to not be too late meeting with Fili.
"Kili!" Fili cried in obvious relief as he rounded the corner and came within sight. The blond jogged the few feet between them to meet him halfway and wrapped his arms around him in a desperate hug.
Kili winced inwardly in guilt, knowing that if he hadn't been worrying Fili so much lately, he wouldn't have been as concerned about Kili being at most ten minutes late.
"I'm sorry," he said as Fili pulled away.
The blond shook his head with a slight blush tinging his cheeks. "Don't be. You weren't that late. I just worry too much."
"No, I'm sorry about worrying you so much these past weeks," he explained with a rueful smile.
Fili shook his head again, wrapping his arm around Kili's shoulders and steering him towards home. "You can't help it if you've been upset, just like I can't help but worry about you when you are upset. We can't control our feelings."
Even though he knew Fili had no idea how meaningful his statement was, Kili still felt a weight lift off of him at his words. "So you'd never be mad if I was feeling something you didn't like?" he couldn't resist asking.
"Of course not!" Fili exclaimed, giving him a scandalized look. "Kili, I'd never be mad at you for something like that! That isn't why you've been upset, is it?"
Kili ignored the question and asked another of his own. "Even if it were something bad? Or wrong?"
"Kili," he said seriously, stopping both of them and making him face him. "Even if your feelings made you to want to go on a killing spree, I wouldn't be mad at you for having them. I would be justifiably concerned, and I'd probably have to tell Pop if you were planning on following through, but I wouldn't be mad."
He laughed, slightly giddy with relief. "I don't want to go on a killing spree."
"That's good," Fili quipped, eyes sparkling as he grabbed Kili's hand and pulled him in the direction of home. "I'm sure the blood would get everywhere. But I'd love you no matter what."
Kili smiled. "I know. I love you too."
And even though he might not have come to terms with being in love with Fili yet, he thought maybe he could. He didn't know if it were possible to get over the blond, but he could learn to live with his feelings as long as Fili didn't hate him for them.
He was tempted to just tell Fili, but he knew that would change things between them. Even if Fili was mad and didn't hate him for his feelings, he'd still treat Kili differently, even if it was just to spare Kili's own feelings. He didn't want that.
As much as he didn't like keeping secrets from Fili, this was something he had to keep to himself.
Still, things definitely were better after talking to Faramir and Fili. He actually felt hungry at dinner, going so far as to ask Balin for seconds. He didn't miss the relieved glint in Fili's eye as he noticed.
Kili was nowhere near being able to calm the emotions roiling around inside him, but he was able to mute them enough so that they didn't overwhelm him. By the time Thorin and Bilbo made it home, with Thorin tanner and Bilbo slightly pinker, he was able to act more or less like himself.
By the time Thanksgiving came and went, he realized he was actually feeling happy again. It probably didn't hurt that Fili had taken to spending as much time with him as possible, with the whole spending-time-apart thing their parents had encouraged thrown completely out the window.
Every waking moment outside of school was spent in each other's company. Kili was sure this didn't help him to not be in love with Fili, but it did help him get used to dealing with being close to Fili while being aware of his feelings. And that was helpful. His heart clenched a little less when Fili wrapped him in his arms or held his hand.
It really wasn't until Tauriel grabbed him after school and dragged him to a secluded hallway that he even realized he was neglecting his other friends somewhat.
"We need to talk," she stated seriously.
He gave her a sheepish look. "Look, Tauriel, I'm sorry I've been a little absent lately…"
She waved him off though. "This isn't about that. I know you've been coming to grips about Fili and working out your relationship with him. No apology needed. I have something I need to talk to my best friend about though."
Kili started at that. Tauriel thought of him as her best friend? He felt a warm feeling spread through his heart at the thought. "What's up?"
She looked a bit anxious, which was unusual for her. "Okay, so you know how I told you that Legolas wasn't really my brother?" she asked, not waiting for him to respond before continuing. "Well, turns out he is."
He blinked. "What?"
"Yeah," she said bitterly. "Half-brother actually. Turns out Thranduil wasn't exactly honest with us before. He told us on Legolas' birthday."
"Why did he lie?" Kili asked in confusion.
"My mother died when she had me," Tauriel explained with a frown. "He took me in because he had to, but he didn't want Legolas' mother to know he'd had an affair. So he told her he was taking in his dead employee's daughter because she had no one else. He kept the lie up even after his wife died."
He really didn't know how to react to the information, but he didn't really think his reaction was really the point of the conversation. "How do you feel about this?"
"I don't know!" she cried, throwing her hands up in frustration. "I grew up thinking of Thranduil as such a generous person for taking me in. I was grateful," she spat the word, "because I thought he took me in out of the goodness of his heart. Now I find out he lied and the bastard was just cheating on his wife and didn't want to acknowledge it!"
She sighed and the anger seemed to drain from her. "But on the other hand, I didn't think I had a family, but I do. I have a father, even if I'm kinda pissed at him. And I have a brother," she said with a wonder-filled smile. "I used to hate the fact that Legolas wasn't really my brother, that I didn't really have a claim on him, and now I do."
"Legolas was always your brother," Kili told her. "And you're allowed to be pissed at Thranduil."
"Still, he didn't have to take me," Tauriel admitted quietly, leaning against the wall and crossing her arms. "My mother didn't name him on my birth certificate. There was nothing that tied me to him. He could've just let me go into the system. But he gave me a home, a brother. He wasn't always the best father to me, but his wife always treated me like a daughter so he even gave me that. Can I really be that angry at him?"
"I think you can feel however you want to about him," he said firmly. "No one could judge you if you were angry. And nobody would judge you if you weren't. You can't control how you feel."
Tauriel shot him a sly look. "That sounds like advice you've gotten recently."
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah. It's been helpful for me though."
She smiled at him and pushed off the wall. "Thanks, Kili."
He shrugged. "No need to thank me. I didn't really do anything."
"You listened," she replied, looping her arm through his and leading him towards the exit. "That's enough."
"Well, if that's all you need, I can always do that," he said with a laugh.
Tauriel gave him a sincere smile. "That's what makes you such a good friend. And if you ever need me to return the favor, just let me know. Although," she said sheepishly, "I may not be so good at just listening and not trying to tell you what to do."
Kili laughed again. "You wouldn't be the Tauriel we all knew and loved if you were."
Tbc…
So Kili FINALLY starts high school in the next chapter and things begin to develop more :)