A/n: Here's chapter thirteen, I haven't forgotten this fic, I've just been busy with uni starting up again and a new secret project and other stuff. This chapter is very much centred on Alonzo, and the multitude of issues that poor tom has. I edited one part, because I decided it was a little too risque for a T rating, and it's best left up to your imagination anyway. Aside from that enjoy, and again thank you for the reviews. This is my longest fanfic to date and I appreciate the feedback. Constructive criticism is always encouraged, but I do like to hear what you've enjoyed about it as well.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cats - wish I did but really I don't. Sorry.

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Chapter 13 – Facing Up To Fear

Afraid to face him? Of course I was afraid to face him, he thought I was a murderer. Who can blame him? I let him think that. I had no other choice. Even from beyond the grave, that bastard could still get to me and I hated it. I hated that I let him break me down like that, I hated that I didn't fight him as much as I should have. I hated that I was scared to face my best friend, he'd suffered a lot more than I had and I had no right being scared.

"If he… if he remembers what I did, he'll hate me Tugger. I can't… I…" I'm a coward. It really was that simple.

"You've got a chance to explain now," he said patiently.

"Explain what? Explain that I'm a coward, explain how I hurt my tribe because I was scared? Explain that I valued my own life, that instead of fighting and running the risk of losing, I just did what I was told so I didn't get hurt, so I didn't end up like he did?" It took me a moment to realise that I was shouting at Tugger. I had never shouted at anyone like that, in my life. The trouble was, although I yelled at Tugger, my anger was only meant for myself. I broke down then, right there in front of Tugger. Words failed me, and tears flowed freely. I didn't care what anyone thought, not anymore. I couldn't stop it, I'd kept all of it bottled up for so long. I guess it had to happen sometime.

Still, it had to happen in public. I ignored the stares from the few Jellicles gathered in the main clearing, just as they'd been ignoring me. I barely noticed a strong golden paw around my shoulders, until I was pulled into a hug. Normally, I'd have told Tugger where to go, pushed him off but right then I needed the comfort he was offering me. I clung to him, burying my face in his long mane and sobbing my heart out, not even thinking about feeling embarassed.

"It's okay Alonzo, just let it out. I'm here, it's over now." I heard him but I couldn't look at him just yet, nuzzling deeper into his golden fur. I was never more grateful for Tugger than at that moment, he was there for me, not pushing me away, not hating me like everyone else. It gave me strength, and finally I managed to pull my head up to look at him.

"I'm sorry I… I… thanks." What else could I say?

"It is not your fault, you've nothing to be sorry about." He said that quite forcefully, it was the first time he'd said that. I wanted so much to believe him, to agree but I just couldn't. Not after what I did. Still, it helped, I even managed a watery smile.

"I do. Your mane's a bit damp now." The first joke I'd made in a long time, I think.

"Alonzo. Everything's going to be fine now, you'll see."

"I hope so. At least some things are getting back to normal." I muttered. Not everything though. Everyone still hates me, I can see it in their eyes. I know why, and I know it's my fault but it still hurts. There's not much I can do to convince them, Tugger might believe me but the rest of them… I'm just going to have to prove it. The only question now is, how?

I pulled out of the hug, feeling awkward and embarrassed now, shifting to hug my knees instead. I hated Macavity for what he did to me, I almost wish he wasn't dead. That way, I could kill him myself. That was before I even took into account what he'd done to the rest of the tribe. It killed me, to watch them suffer, to add to it on occasion. I hated myself, I hated him. I was scared to face my one-time best friend, all because of him.

"I'm glad Munkustrap's okay. I just… I'm not ready to face him. Not yet."

"I understand. He needs time as well. Macavity's really messed everything up," came the answer. I laughed bitterly, that was the understatement of the year.

"We still need to think about finding Mistoffelees. Have you any ideas?" Tugger asked me suddenly. I shook my head. He'd been missing for a while now, I admit I doubted we'd find him alive. If he was okay, surely he'd have been back by now?

"I think we might start sending a couple of cats out to look for him,"

I almost protested, we weren't allowed to… oh wait, yes we could leave now. It made sense, whether it would be worthwhile or not, I couldn't have said but it was probably worth a shot, "I'll go later tonight, if you want." I offered. I hoped he would realise that I meant alone. Who else would come with me anyway?

"You shouldn't go out there alone."

I should have expected him to argue.

"I'll be fine. I can't… I just can't," my half-hearted protest was met with a sigh.

"Fine. Just you be careful okay."

"I will." I got up, and stretched. I suddenly felt really tired, and going for a nap sounded like the best plan, especially if I was supposed to be going out later. "I'd better get some sleep then. I'll see you later. And… thanks."

With that I turned and headed for my den, so lost in my own thoughts that I almost walked into the red and white figure blocking the entrance before I recognised her. Bombalurina. My stomach did a backflip, and that was before I even saw her expression. I didn't dare look her in the eyes, I couldn't meet her eyes anymore after what had happened.

"What's the matter with you?"

Her voice was like ice, it really did make my fur stand on end. I tried to answer, but my voice didn't seem to want to work. I shook my head, telling her without words that it didn't matter. Not to her.

"It had to be something. I saw what happened back there, I saw you in his arms. Tugger doesn't just hug cats like you for no reason." I cringed at the way she spoke, it hurt to be spoken to like something nasty she'd stepped in. It was well deserved, but it hurt all the same. How the hell could I make her understand?

"You wouldn't understand. Please, just let me get some sleep."

"What wouldn't I understand? What on earth could be so bad to have you breaking down like that in front of the whole tribe. We've all suffered, you had it easy." Bitch. What did she know?

"You think so? You have no idea. You really have no idea." I actually did try to keep the growl out of my voice, but it didn't happen.

"Oh I'm sure. It must have been torture for you when I…" she cut that sentence off sharply, but it didn't matter. I knew what she was about to say. My face burned, it must have been as red as her fur. She'd caught me, part of me had enjoyed it… even though I knew how much it hurt her. It hurt me, I was disgusted with myself for enjoying it. It was wrong, it had been so very wrong in so many ways. I hadn't had the choice though, again it was something that Macavity had forced me to do. That time, however it had been a reward, apparently.

"I'm sorry." My apology, in a pathetic whisper, I didn't know what else I could say to her. The image flashed into my mind, the memory of what had happened. I remember looking at her, those tears of utter humiliation blemishing her beautiful face. I looked up into those same eyes, not filled with tears anymore. They were filled with confusion.

"You're sorry?"

I nodded. "I know I hurt you Bombalurina, and for that I'm sorry. I can't say how sorry I am." I'm sorry it had to happen that way, I'm sorry there can never be anything between us now. That's what I wanted to say. It was the truth, Macavity had tainted our relationship forever. I felt sick, I wanted to explain, how he made me go through with it. I'd been given a choice, to accept my 'reward' or face punishment for rejecting his generosity… I don't even want to think about what that could have entailed. That bastard.

"That doesn't change anything, Alonzo."

"I know. I wanted you to know that though. Even if it doesn't change anything, you should still know that I hate myself for it, and that I'm sorry."

"It's appreciated." She paused, she seemed to be thinking, "He… did he hurt you?"

I couldn't say anything to that. Yes, he had, in a million different ways, but I knew I was not alone, by any means. I nodded, but didn't elaborate. She didn't need to know, it wouldn't help matters.

"Deep down, I think I knew that. I knew you wouldn't betray us, intentionally." When she said that, my expression must have been hilarious. I couldn't believe it, she… she believed me? Sort of, anyway.

"Th-thank you… I didn't want to, I had to, I wanted to help, I was going to, I tried to…" I babbled at her, but shut up when her paw pressed against my lips. I looked up at her.

"It's okay, Alonzo." With that, she took off and I watched her black and red tail disappear around the corner, before going into my den to think, and maybe even sleep.