Chapter Thirty Nine

Wednesday came way too soon in Kili's opinion. He had spent Monday and Tuesday with Fili under Bilbo's watchful eyes. Unfortunately, he hadn't been able to make it through all of Tuesday with taking a pain pill for his throbbing throat. And since the medication never failed to make it him tired, he had fallen asleep shortly afterwards.

Which meant Fili was going to school alone this morning.

No matter how much Kili pouted, though, he couldn't get his parents to cave.

And that left him sitting with his back against the wall on Fili's bed with his knees pulled under his chin as he watched Fili get ready for school.

"Don't look at me like that," Fili sighed. "It's not my fault. I've got to go to school today. I don't want to leave you either, you know."

Kili gave him a look that he hoped expressed his apology. Not being able to talk was really getting annoying. He hadn't let himself think about the possibility that his voice would never be the same.

He wasn't even sure if he'd still have a voice. Sure, he had muttered a few words when he had first woken up, but he had heard Thorin and Bilbo's whispers with the doctor before he had been discharged. He knew that the swelling in his throat might have further damaged things, and his coughing fits probably hadn't helped…

There was a chance, at least a small one, that he'd never speak again.

That thought terrified him.

"Hey?" Fili said softly, as the bed dipped next to him and the blond reached a hand up to tilt Kili's chin up. "It's going to be okay."

Kili shook his head as traitorous tears filled his eyes. He didn't want to make Fili bad about going to school by crying out it. It wasn't really the whole reason why he was crying. Everything was wrong. How could it ever be okay again?

He jerked his chin away from Fili and pressed his face into his knees as the tears began to flow against his will. His shoulders shook with his sobs under the arms that Fili immediately wrapped around him.

He couldn't take comfort in Fili's touch, though. Fili was going to leave. They were about to be separated. True, only for a few hours, but anything could happen in a few hours!

They had been outside of each other's sight for a few minutes when Smaug had shown up after the musical.

Terror seized his heart and his chest went tight. He gasped in air, but it didn't help. It felt as if something was squeezing his lungs. He couldn't breathe.

Oh, God, he couldn't breathe!

"No, Kee, you've got to breathe!" he heard Fili's voice say with a note of anxiety before he was frantically calling out, "Dad! Pop!"

Fili kept up a litany of encouragement, begging Kili to draw in breaths with him, but no matter how much Kili tried, he couldn't seem to take in more than a few gulps of air at a time.

He was going to die, he realized with a flash of panic.

Strong hands gently pried his hands away from where they were gripping his upper arms in too tight a grip, and pulled him so that he was cradled against a broad and firm chest.

Pop, his mind supplied.

"Shh," Thorin's deep voice soothed. "You're safe. You're okay. Just breathe with me, okay? Deep, slow breaths. Relax."

Safe. Was he really safe? Thorin was there. Of course he was safe. Thorin was strong. He'd protect them all. There was nothing to fear as long as Pop was there.

And Fili. Fili'd never let anything happen to him either. Of course, Fili'd get himself hurt to keep Kili safe. Kili didn't want that. That couldn't happen. Not again.

"Hey, no, even breaths," Thorin admonished gently as Kili's breaths threatened to speed up once more. "With me. Let's count them. One…" he said as he inhaled. "And out…" he said on the exhale. "Two… and out… Three… and out…"

The counting gave Kili something to focus on. His eyes slipped closed to stop the world from spinning, and he was on breath thirty seven before he felt safe enough to open them again. Fili was kneeling on the bed beside him and Thorin, anxiety and fear written all over his face. Bilbo was wearing a pinched expression behind him. Frodo, thankfully, hadn't come down. Kili didn't want to see his little brother's terrified face again.

"That's good, Kili, just keep breathing," Thorin told him, rubbing his back gently as he eased out from behind him and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Kili hadn't even realized his pop had climbed on the bed with him until then.

"Can I please stay with him again today?" he heard Fili ask Bilbo in a low voice. "I can't leave him like this."

Their dad sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Fili, but you've got to go to school."

"One more day won't make me fall behind!" he hissed back.

"This is about more than you falling behind in school," Bilbo explained gently. "This is what's best for both of you."

Kili shot him a glare. Why did his dad always try to separate him and Fili? Didn't he realize he needed Fili? Now more than ever! How could Bilbo be so heartless as to keep them apart now?

He still felt shaky, but all the panic and fear left him. All he felt was mad.

He couldn't help but hate his dad just a little bit as Fili brushed a kiss against his forehead and left for school with Thorin.

It wasn't fair.

Bilbo gave him a mournful look before disappearing up the stairs. Kili scowled and flopped back on the bed, wincing a bit. His body felt sore and his muscles were aching. He ignored his pain, though, and focused on his anger. He wasn't surprised at all that his dad had fled upstairs without another word. Surely he knew how mean and unreasonable he was being. He should be unwilling to face Kili.

Of course, his anger left him as fear began to creep in once more as he realized that, for the first time since he'd been attacked, he was alone.

Before he could panic again, though, Bilbo came back downstairs carrying a tray. The knot of anxiety that had been tightening in his chest loosened immediately, and he melted into the mattress in relief.

"Scrambled eggs and chocolate milk," Bilbo announced as he set the trap down over Kili's lap. "I even smothered your eggs in ketchup just like you like them. And your pain medication because I know you're hurting after your episode."

Kili wrinkled his nose at the word episode. It made what happened sound so… wrong.

"I know you're upset that I wouldn't let Fili stay with you today," his dad went on in a sad voice. "You probably think I'm some sort of monster to send him away when you've been hurt so badly."

The genuine sorrow in his voice made Kili feel bad for thinking just that. He scooped some eggs into his mouth, the food sliding more easily down his throat than it had yesterday but still not comfortable.

"We've been worried about the two of you for a while, now," Bilbo admitted. "We just know that you both need to be your own person outside of being Fili-and-Kili. These are the years you're supposed to be finding out who you are. To do that, you've got look beyond you think Fili wants you to be. And Fili has to look beyond what he thinks you need from him."

Kili wanted to argue, wanted to say they had their own interests and they were looking beyond each other, but he was forced to sit in silence and eat his breakfast. The problem with silence, though, was that it gave him too much opportunity to think. And the more he thought about it, the more he thought that Bilbo might be right.

He scowled again and pushed the thought away. It didn't matter, he thought as he finished off his eggs and took a gulp of his milk. If being his own person meant giving up Fili, he'd just rather not be his own person.

He wasn't giving up Fili for anything.

Kili took his pain pill and washed it down with the last of his milk.

"Do you want to sleep some more down here or would you like me to help you to the couch in the living room?" Bilbo asked him.

For a split second he considered curling up in Fili's bed and taking comfort from the pillow that smelled like the blond before he realized that would leave him alone. His dad, he knew, was likely to be in and out of the living room, not leaving him alone for more than a few minutes at a time.

Deciding that that was much more preferable, he followed Bilbo up the stairs, grabbing a few pillows from Fili's bed. He threw the pillows on the couch and sighed as he sank down onto it, curling into the back cushions and falling asleep almost instantly.

He woke up a few hours later, turning and squinting to see the time on the cable box. 1:13.

He frowned as he sat up, looking around to see if his dad was around. He could just make him out through the kitchen archway, sitting at the table and reading a book.

Kili considered Bilbo for a few moments. He was still angry at him. He thought if anyone would understand, it would be his dad. He knew how much Fili meant to him. How much he had always meant to him. He needed Fili. He wasn't him without Fili.

Bilbo glanced up at that moment and smiled when he saw Kili was sitting up. He set his book on the table and came into the living room.

"Hungry?"

Kili nodded even though he didn't feel like eating. He might not care at that moment if he worried Bilbo by not eating, but he knew Fili would be upset him he came home and Kili hadn't eaten since breakfast.

Bilbo switched the television over to Netflix and let Kili watch whatever he wanted for the rest of the afternoon. Kili decided to binge on The Office. It was a safe choice. Funny enough that the episodes were still funny after watching them hundreds of times, but not so funny as to make him laugh out loud and start coughing. He chose a season at random, and was a third of the way through the fourth season when Fili burst into the house.

Kili's face lit up as the blond made a beeline for him and scooted over on the couch so that Fili could sit next to him. He sighed as he melted into Fili's embrace. Even though he had only been awake for a few of the hours Fili was gone, he had still missed him fiercely.

Unable to contain his curious, though, he grabbed his phone and started typing.

Are people talking about what happened?

Fili hesitated for a moment before answering, "No one said anything around me, but I know most everyone was whispering about it behind my back. And I think our friends have been fielding questions and squashing rumors."

Kili paled. Rumors?

"Don't worry about them," Fili told him, wrapping him tightly in his arms. "They don't matter. Besides, no one is saying anything bad about you, I promise. Most of the rumors are about what's going to happen to Smaug or how bad you're hurt."

Kili still didn't like the idea of being talked about at school, but at least no one was blaming him for the whole thing or saying he provoked Smaug or anything. That was a relief at least.

"I think you'll probably have some visitors in the upcoming days," Fili continued matter-of-factly. "Tauriel especially seemed unwilling to wait until Monday to see that you're okay. Don't worry," he assured. "I told them to come two or three at a time. I don't think they'd all fit in the house at the same time."

Kili rolled his eyes at Fili's explanation, knowing that they both knew exactly why Fili didn't want them all crowding around him. He didn't have to worry about that, though. Kili wasn't going to have a panic attack because too many people were around. Being alone is what usually triggered his fear.

Frodo came home at that moment, letting the door slam shut behind him and earning him a scolding from Bilbo.

Kili smiled up at Fili as Bilbo left the living room to talk to Frodo. Well, yell at Frodo, really. He picked up his phone again and typed:

I missed you.

"I missed you too," he whispered, bringing their lips together in a tender kiss. Kili shivered at the touch, heart aching at the love in Fili's eyes as he pulled away.

How on earth could this be bad for them?

tbc…