Chapter Forty

Kili woke up Saturday with dread pooling in his stomach. He wondered if he could get away with turning over and going back to sleep. He didn't know if he could face today.

Today was the day he was allowed to try talking again.

He took deep, even breaths like he had taken to doing whenever he felt fear and panic creeping up on him. He wasn't really sure it helped all the much. He hadn't had a full-blown panic attack since Wednesday. He had felt the beginnings of one last night, but Fili had managed to calm him down before it got too far.

"Good morning," Fili murmured, dropping a kiss to the top of his head.

Kili turned his head and buried his face in Fili's chest. What if he opened his mouth and nothing came out?

"It's okay, Kee," the blond told him. "You don't have to try to talk until you're ready."

He melted into Fili's arms in relief, grateful that Thorin had managed to talk Bilbo into letting him sleep with Fili for a few more nights. He was sure that, if he was in his room alone, he probably would have already worked himself into an attack.

He hated how weak he had become, how he couldn't even be in a room for five minutes by himself without feeling an edge of fear creeping in, how he was constantly afraid of being unable to breathe and knowing that his fear only further fueled his panic.

He was just tired of being scared all the time.

Kili lifted his head slightly and looked up to find Fili's eyes shining down at him, full of love and encouragement. He opened his mouth but closed it without attempting to speak. How disappointed would Fili be if he couldn't talk? Or if his voice was changed?

How would it be anything but a constant reminder of Smaug?

He let his head drop again, unable to hold Fili's gaze.

It's not like he needed a reminder, though, he thought bitterly. Every time he closed his eyes, he felt hands pressing on his throat. Every time he was alone, he jumped at every shadow thinking he was about to be attacked. He couldn't forget Smaug if he tried.

So he might as well get it over with. What safer place to try, after all, than in Fili's arms?

Kili cleared his throat before taking a deep breath. "I love you," he forced out, the words feeling weird in his throat after not speaking for a week. His voice sounded a bit scratchy from disuse, but it still sounded like him.

He burst into relieved tears, feeling a weight lift off of him. Fili's hands came up to frame his face, thumbs wiping his tears away gently. Kili looked up and was surprised to see tears spilling out of the blond's own eyes.

"Oh, Kee," he chuckled thickly. "I love you too." He hauled Kili up and closer, burying his nose in Kili's hair. "I missed hearing your voice," he muttered, kissing him right behind his ear and causing Kili to shiver.

Kili turned his head and caught Fili's lips in a searing kiss, gripping Fili's shirt desperately as the blond groaned into his mouth and pulled him tight against him. Fili rolled them over so that Kili was on his back and broke the kiss, hovering over him and just stared down at him for a moment, an intense look in his blue eyes.

"Fee…" he said, just because he could. The blond smiled down at him before capturing his lips once more. Kili threaded his fingers through Fili's golden hair, arching into the body above him and moaning.

"We need to stop," Fili mumbled as he broke away from Kili's lips only to brush a trail of kisses up his jaw to focus on the brunet's ear. "Pop and Dad will be coming to check on us if we're not up soon."

Kili felt a flash of irritation towards their parents. Why were they so against Fili and Kili being together? What did it matter what they together? They both wanted it. It's not like either of them was making the other do anything they didn't want to.

They were in love. Of course they were going to want to be as close as possible and want to make the other feel good.

"Hey," Fili said, cupping his cheek and brushing a thumb under Kili's eye. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. We've got the rest of our lives. And in a few years, we won't have to answer anyone. We can just be us."

Kili smiled at that, though he felt a pang of guilt for wanting to be away from his parents and Frodo. Bilbo and Thorin were the best parents ever. And he loved Frodo to pieces.

But if it came to choosing between them and Fili, he'd choose Fili every time.

With that in mind, they reluctantly rolled out of bed and headed upstairs, where the rest of their family were already eating breakfast.

"Good morning," Kili chirped mischievously, relishing in how all three heads snapped to look at him. Frodo grinned wildly at him and cheered, while Bilbo and Thorin just looked immensely relieved.

He grinned at them. In that moment, with his voice back, Fili close at his side, and his parents and brother giving him bright smiles, he actually felt like thing were going to be okay.

That lasted only as long as he sat down with Fili at the table and caught his dad frowning at them, no doubt unhappy with how close he was sitting to the blond. Kili scowled down at his pancakes and purposefully scooted his chair even closer to Fili.

Wanting to escape Bilbo's looks, which weren't quite judgment but were definitely close, Kili dragged Fili back down to the basement and spent most of Saturday curled up with the blond on the sofa. Thorin brought them some sandwiches down for lunch, so they didn't have to go back upstairs until Bilbo called them for dinner.

Bilbo cleared his throat after they had started eating. "Kili," he said, giving him a hesitant smile. "You're going to have your first session with Dr. Peredhel tomorrow afternoon at three."

Kili's fork clattered to his plate. "On a Sunday?" he asked, stomach feeling heavy with dread.

"He felt it would be best for you to come in before you go back to school, and since you couldn't speak until today, he thought tomorrow would be best," Bilbo explained. "Your normal sessions will be on Mondays and Fridays after school. Fili will be meeting with him every Tuesday."

He frowned. "Why does Fili get to only go one day a week?" he asked petulantly. He knew why, of course.

It was because Fili wasn't fucked up like him.

"Dr. Peredhel suggested just once a week since he wasn't the one attacked," Bilbo replied mildly. "We might have to reassess later though."

"I don't want to go," he said pleadingly, turning to look at Thorin imploringly. "Please don't make me."

His pop sighed heavily. "You need this to get better, Kili. To get over what happened."

Tears welled in his eyes and he bit his lip as he gazed unseeingly at his lap. Going to therapy would mean talking about what happened. That was bad enough. But he knew going would also mean dissecting his relationship with Fili. And if his own father wasn't even supportive of it, why would some psychiatrist?

He just nodded and stayed silent for the rest of the meal, practically feeling the concerned glances of his parents and Fili.

"Nothing he says will change what we have," Fili assured him later that night as he lingered in Kili's room. Bilbo had put his foot down and said that they had to start sleeping in their own beds again. Neither of them were particularly happy about it.

Kili really wasn't sure Fili was right. If Dr. Peredhel managed to convince Fili that their relationship was hurting him, he was sure Fili wouldn't ignore that. Hell, if the doctor told him that their relationship was hurting Fili, he wouldn't be able to ignore it either. Not if what he said made sense.

"I don't want to lose you," he mumbled, tracing the thread pattern on his comforter.

"You won't," Fili vowed, grabbing his shoulders firmly. "We'll come out of this whole thing better and stronger than ever. We just can't give up, okay?"

He couldn't help but give a small smile at that. "Okay."

It became a lot less okay after Fili had kissed him goodnight and left him alone. He kept his eyes shut as he waited for sleep to come. The longer it eluded him, the more he could feel the tendrils of panic seeping in.

He concentrated on his breathing, keeping them as steady as possible and counting each inhale. He was up to two hundred eighty two before he started to feel sleep creep in. He finally manage to slip into oblivion around three hundred twenty seven.

Kili sank back into the couch cushions as Dr. Peredhel gazed at him from an armchair across from him. It wasn't the set up he had been expecting. For some reason, he envisioned one of those couches like they show on tv and the movies, the leather kind that you lay on and faced away from the psychiatrist. Not the overstuffed, creamy white sofa he was sitting on now.

"What would you like to talk about, Kili?"

"I thought we were supposed about what happened with Smaug?" he asked in confusion.

"We're supposed to talk about whatever you feel like talking about," Dr. Peredhel replied with a smile. "What do you feel like talking about?"

"I don't know," he said, shrugging. "What do people usually talk about?"

"Whatever they want. This is a safe zone. There'll be no judgment here. I won't tell anyone anything that is said in here. Although, I do have to report if you are a danger to yourself or others," he warned. "But I don't think I'll have to worry about that with you."

Kili shook his head before sighing. "I don't know where to start."

"Well, how about you help me get to know you better," Elrond suggested. "What are your plans for after high school?"

"Well, I was going to go to college for forensics, but I don't know about that anymore," he admitted.

"Why?"

"I get scared a lot," Kili said sheepishly. "Even before this happened, I did. I don't know how I'd handle the more gruesome pictures I'd have to see. Pop said he'd help me get a summer internship to see."

"So you haven't given up on the field yet?"

"No, not yet."

"What made you interested in forensics?"

Kili was happy with the turn of this conversation. He could handle this topic. "I job-shadowed the forensic scientist Pop works with a few years ago for school. At first, I had wanted to job-shadow Pop, but Dad and Fili didn't think it was a great idea. But the forensics lab was so cool!"

"Your pop is a detective, right? So you at one point thought about following in his footsteps?" the doctor asked.

"Well, yeah," he said. "But what kid doesn't want to be a policeman or a firefighter growing up? I always thought Pop's job was cool. You know, protecting people, fighting back against criminals, that kind of thing."

"You liked the idea of being able to protect others from people who wanted to who to hurt them?"

Kili nodded. "Exactly! But I could never do something like that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's too dangerous!" he protested. "Fili would always be so worried about me."

Dr. Peredhel paused for a moment before asking, "But you would prefer being a detective to a forensic scientist?"

Kili frowned. He had never thought about that before. Detective had been taken off the table pretty much as soon as his interest in it had been sparked. He had never stopped to consider which one he'd rather be.

"I don't know," he admitted.

"Perhaps it's something to give more consideration to," Dr. Peredhel commented, making some sort of note in his notebook. "Are you worried about tomorrow?" he asked, switching gears.

"Maybe a little, but not much," he replied with a shrug, realizing it was true.

"Why not?"

"Fili and all my friends will be there," Kili said. "And I won't be alone or anything. I'm not so scared when I'm not alone."

"Are you worried about having a panic attack at school?"

Kili bit his lip and nodded. "Kinda… I concentrate on keeping my breathing right whenever I feel like one might come on, though. I don't know how much it helps, but I haven't had one since Wednesday."

"That's very good, Kili. I want you to keep doing that. Do you think you'll be able to make it through the week without having an attack if you keep doing that?"

"I hope so."

"Good," Elrond stated with a nod. "I'd rather not medicate you if you think you can keep them on your own. But if you do have an episode this week, I would like to discuss placing you on a mild anti-anxiety medication."

Kili really didn't like the sound of that but nodded anyway.

Their session went on much like that, not touching on anything really heavy and his relationship with Fili didn't come up once.

He left the session feeling like maybe the whole therapy thing wouldn't be as bad as he thought it would be.

Maybe things really would be okay.

tbc…