Chapter Forty One
Kili paused and took a deep breath before they rounded the final street corner on the way to school. He could do this. It would be okay. Fili would be with him. And so would all his friends. And it was just school…
Fili squeezed his hand reassuringly and waited patiently at his side, not pressuring him to keep walking.
Thorin had offered to drop them off, but Kili knew he needed to get back into normal routine. Or at least as normal a routine as possible when it now included therapy every Monday and Wednesday.
He resolutely took a step forward and rounded the corner, something easing within him as he saw all their friends loitering in front of the school gates waiting for him.
Kili hadn't seen any of them since the attack. It hadn't been easy putting them off visiting over the weekend, Tauriel had been particularly insistent, but Kili hadn't wanted to risk seeing them Saturday without knowing if his voice was going to be okay, and Sunday he had his session.
He hadn't realized how much he had missed them all.
"Kili!" multiple voice called out happily as they approached.
A warmth filled him as they surrounded him and walked him to homeroom, shielding him from the curious glances that he could still see the other students sending his way. He was grateful for that, really, he was, but it wasn't necessary. It had been a long time since he had cared about what other kids had thought about him.
Still, it was nice to know that his friends cared enough to try.
"You know, I'm supposed to be getting back in a normal routine," he commented with a wry smile. "All of you falling me around isn't really that normal."
"Maybe we all just missed you," Eowyn said breezily, causing her brother to snort.
"And maybe we've heard enough idiots talking that we figured we'd keep them from bothering you," Eomer said more honestly. "Ow!" he cried as both Eowyn and Faramir elbowed him in the ribs.
Kili laughed though. "Don't hit him for being honest! I don't need to be treated like I'm made of glass."
Despite his previous musings about not caring about the other students, he was extremely grateful that they were keeping some of the ones giving him sharp, angry looks away. Most of those were seniors on the track team, he noticed. They probably weren't happy that he had taken away their star.
He made it to homeroom without any mishaps. He and Tauriel went in after he had told them all that he didn't want to see any of them waiting for him once homeroom was over, giving Fili a particularly stern look.
Normal, that was what he was wanting. Normal.
It was starting to become a bit of a mantra for him, to be honest.
It was with a sigh of relief that he walked out of homeroom and realized that they had all respected his wishes. Tauriel, of course, insisted on walking him to Geometry though.
"Are you seeing someone?" she asked as they began walking. He shot her a confused look, wondering how she could have forgotten about him and Fili. "I mean a therapist someone," she elaborated with a roll of her eyes.
"Oh," he said before nodding.
"Good," she declared with an approving nod. "I think it'll be good for you."
Kili furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"
She shrugged. "It's been helping me come to terms with the whole Thranduil being my dad thing. And lord knows you've had more shit thrown at you in life than I have. It'll be good for you to talk to someone neutral about everything."
He hadn't known Tauriel was seeing a therapist, but he ignored that to focus on what she had said instead. "Some neutral party," he snorted derisively. "He doesn't approve of Fili and me."
"Did he say that?" she asked with a raised brow.
"He didn't have to," Kili replied in a huff. "Dad talked to him about seeing me and I know Dad doesn't approve."
She shot him a scandalized look. "That can't be true!"
"It's true," he said with a sigh, thinking about how Bilbo frowned every time he saw him and Fili sitting too close together.
"I think you're misinterpreting things," she stated with a frown. "Maybe you should talk to him?"
He rolled his eyes at that. "What's there to talk about? I'm not going to break up with Fili, and that's obvious what he wants."
"Kili, your dad loves you," she insisted. "Like really loves you. He and your pop are probably the perfect parents. There's no way he would want you to do something that makes you unhappy."
"He would if he thinks it'll be good for me," he spat bitterly before sighing. "I'm afraid he'll convince Fili that breaking up would be the best for me."
"You don't have to worry about that," Tauriel replied with snort. "If he ever had that dumb of an idea, all it would take would be one look at your heartbroken face, and he'd come running back." That oddly made Kili feel worse. He didn't want Fili to be with him out of guilt. "Have you asked Fili what he thinks of your dad's attitude?"
Kili shook his head. The truth was, he was too afraid to. However, they reached his Geometry classroom before he was forced to admit that.
Ori and Gimli, thankfully, kept any and all conversation safely away from anything heavy, choosing instead to focus on potentially seeing the new Pixar movie next weekend, which eventually developed into a heated discussion over what the best Pixar movie ever was.
"If you think Finding Nemo is better than Up, I can't even talk to you," Ori said with finality, causing Gimli to sputter in indignation.
"Finding Ne… Kili, talk sense into this crazy lunatic!" he cried, throwing his hands up in the air. "Honestly!"
Kili gave them both a sly smile. "I always liked The Incredibles," he replied, both to hear both of them groan in frustration and because it was the truth. Something about a crime-fighting family of superheroes had always appealed to him. Plus, he still remembered that first movie night that he, Fili, Thorin, and Bilbo had together all those years ago.
Things had been simpler back then, he mused with a frown. Then again, their parents had been worried about the two of them even then, he realized with a start as he walked into English Lit.
He and Fili had been wrapped around each other sleeping. Well, Fili had been sleeping and Kili had been dozing. He distinctly remembered the word codependent being used. At the time, he hadn't realized what it had meant. Now he understood it a little better.
But if they had been so worried about it then, why hadn't they said something before now? Why wait until now, when Kili needed Fili the most?
By the end of the period, Kili had worked himself into a state of fury. The more he thought about it, the more he thought his parents (both of them, even though Thorin wasn't being as obvious as Bilbo) had just been setting him and Fili up to have their hearts broken. Oh, they probably had some noble purpose. Surely it would be good for them to experience their first heartbreak in a controlled environment.
How could they?
He stuffed his books in his bag and stomped angrily out of his classroom and froze as he realized no one was there to walk to the cafeteria.
Kili tried desperately to stomp down the panic that flashed through him at the realization. Of course, Fili wasn't there. Kili had told him not to be there. God, he was an idiot.
He bit his lip hard as he quickly back into a quiet corner away from the crowds of students pushing through the hallway.
He took a deep breath through his nose as he continued to chew his bottom lip. He wasn't alone. There were plenty of other people around. He was fine. There was nothing wrong. There was no reason to panic.
Things were getting fuzzy around the edges despite his best efforts in calming down.
No, no, no. He couldn't have an episode here. Not only would it be embarrassing as hell to break down in the school hallway, but Dr. Peredhel would put him on medication for sure. He didn't need medicine. He wasn't sick.
His hands balled into tight fists and pressed his back tightly against the wall, screwing his eyes shut as he concentrated on breathing through the anxiety pressing heavily on his chest. Slow, deep, and even. He could breathe. Nothing was choking him.
He felt a little lightheaded as he opened his eyes again as he got his breathing under control. His muscles felt sore as he pushed away from the wall, but he had done it. He had fought back the panic. In school, and without Fili or his parents around.
Kili walked to the cafeteria with a little spring in his step, feeling confident in himself for the first time since the musical.
It wasn't much, he knew, but he felt like he had beat something by fighting off the panic attack. Something of his satisfaction must have shown on his face because Fili, Legolas, and Faramir looked at him curiously as he sat down.
Fili raised an eyebrow questioningly and Kili beamed at him.
"I fought off a panic attack," he answered the unspoken inquiry with pride. "By myself and in the middle of the hallway."
"I knew I should've met you to walk you here," Fili said in consternation.
Kili rolled his eyes. "You're not listening. I beat it!"
"Of course you did, and that's great!" the blond assured him. "I just wish I had been there for you so that you didn't have to go through it alone."
Kili frowned at that. Sure, he probably wouldn't have almost had an episode if Fili had been there, but he wouldn't have been able to know that he could handle it alone his own. Sure, he had been able to fight them off in the safety of his bed or when Bilbo was within his line of sight, but this was different. Fighting off an attack in the middle of the hallway made him feel strong.
"I'm glad you weren't there," he said slowly after a moment. "I mean, I always want you around," he added quickly at Fili's stricken expression. "But beating it by myself made me feel like I maybe could be okay, you know?"
Fili's face settled into a soft smile.
"Of course you're going to be okay, Kili," Faramir told him, making him remember that he and Legolas were still there. He gave them a shy smile. He hadn't meant to say so much in front of them.
Legolas was looking between him and Fili with a furrowed brow before giving Kili a small smile as he realized he was being watched. "I think it's wonderful you were able to fight back the attack on your own."
Something in his eyes, though, told Kili that he was thinking a lot more than just that. He didn't press him, though. Legolas was never quick to share all his thoughts with anyone, especially when he hadn't fully formed them completely. The blond was the type to really think things through before sharing his thoughts.
"I'm proud of you, Kili," Fili murmured with love shining in his blue eyes.
The words made warmth swell within Kili's chest, but as great as Fili's pride felt, the pride he felt for himself felt even better.
It was odd for something he was feeling to trump an emotion Fili directed at him. Maybe it was because he finally felt like he was proving that Fili and Thorin and even Bilbo could be right when they told him he was strong enough to get past what had happened.
That had to be it, he thought with satisfaction. It was the only explanation that made sense.
tbc…