Chapter Forty Three

Kili stuck close to Fili the next morning, grateful their dad had already left for the bakery by the time they woke up for breakfast, sure he would have been disappointed that Kili wasn't putting any distance between them like he said he would.

It wasn't that he didn't understand what Bilbo had said last night, but Kili didn't really know how to establish boundaries with Fili. He hadn't begged (much) for Fili to sleep with him last night. That was a step in the right direction, right?

Besides, they had fought last night and it had made Kili feel absolutely wretched. He was sure Fili was going to decide he wasn't worth the effort anymore and break up with him. He needed the added assurance that Fili still wanted him.

He kept his hand firmly in the blond's until they parted ways in front of Kili's homeroom. He reluctantly let Fili pull away him him with a brush of his lips on Kili's temple.

It was going to be a long morning.

Thankfully, Tauriel was more than willing to amuse him by texting him during homeroom and walked with him to Geometry chatting about archery practice that afternoon and how excited the team would be to have him back for the tournament the next weekend. Kili had completely forgotten about the tournament. He hoped his week of no practice wouldn't hurt him too much.

If Tauriel texted him any in Geometry, Kili didn't know it. He hadn't dared risk looking at his phone sitting so close to the front. And since Ori and Gimli both seemed quite involved in following the teacher's lesson on arc lengths, the minutes ticked by slowly.

English Lit was a bit better, as his teacher was letting them watch Romeo and Juliet so at least he didn't miss anything by not being able to focus on anything.

He was still wrestling with how he was supposed to establish unwanted boundaries with Fili when his musings were interrupted by a quiet psst.

He frowned and looked over at the girl in the row next to him but one seat up. Very few people ever talked to him at school outside of his friends and the archery team. She looked familiar, but Kili couldn't remember her name for the life of him.

He didn't particularly like the look she was giving him. There was curiosity in her gaze, but also a hint of reproach that made him feel self-conscious. Still, it was rude not to answer.

"Yes?" he whispered.

"Is it true that you're having sex with your own brother?" she asked quietly.

The question stunned Kili. He noticed that the rest of his classmates in hearing distance were listening for his answer. He scowled at him. What made them think it was their business what he and Fili did together?

"He's my stepbrother," he hissed back. "And if we have sex, that's nobody's business but ours."

She sneered at him. "That's disgusting." He rolled his eyes and tried to focus on the movie. "Drake would've been doing the world a favor by getting rid of someone as sick as you," she continued.

Kili's breath caught in his throat and he stared at her in horror, but she had already turned away from him to talk to her friend on her other side. His stunned horror faded as he narrowed his eyes in determination and stared back at the television at the front of the room.

He may not always understand people, but at times like this, he was happy about that. He didn't want to understand how someone could casually tell a person they didn't even know that they were so wrong for loving someone that they deserved death.

He felt the eyes of his classmates on him for the rest of the class, judging him, condemning him. How many of them wanted to hurt him?

Despite his resolve to ignore them and not let them get to him, a cold sweat broke out on the back of his neck and he had to fight to keep his breathing calm. He dug his fingers into his thighs, knuckles white as his nails bit into his skin through his jeans.

It was fine. He was fine. No one was going to attack him. They were all stupid, but that didn't mean they wanted to hurt him. There was no reason to get all panicky.

He felt as tightly strung as his bowstring. He kept his eyes glued on the movie as he counted his breaths to himself. He resisted the urge to glance around him nervously. He knew it wouldn't help and would just make more paranoid.

He was on breath three hundred forty two when the bell rang, causing the air to catch in his throat and his heart to stutter in fear. What did he do now that he had to leave the classroom?

He couldn't rush out before everyone else. What if he was attacked from behind?

But he couldn't wait for them all to leave. That gave anyone time to set up an ambush for him in the hallway.

And he definitely couldn't leave with everyone else because then he would be surrounded.

What was he supposed to do? He tried to take a deep breath and think but he couldn't. Shit. This couldn't be happening. Not in the middle of the classroom.

The idea of his classmates seeing his panic attack made the anxiety pressing on his lungs feel like an impossibly heavy boulder. He was aware that he was shaking but he couldn't stop.

Black spots danced in front of his eyes. No, he thought in terror. He couldn't lose consciousness. What if someone tried to hurt him while he was helpless?

It was no use. The more he fought it, the more he panicked, and the more he panicked, the worse the attack became.

He was in a downward spiral and he didn't know how to stop it.

"Kili?" he heard the voice of his teacher ask, his voice sounding odd and faint.

The black spots in his eyes grew larger and merged together before he could even try to answer him. He felt a swooping falling sensation before he lost all awareness of what was happening.

He woke up to Fili and Bilbo whispering above him as fingers absently ran through his hair. He kept his eyes closed as he tried to figure out what had happened, hoping his dad and Fili's words would give him some clue.

"I'm not going to make you stay at school, Fili," Bilbo said with a sigh. "But I do want you to go to your session with Dr. Peredhel still."

"I can't just abandon him after he's had such a bad attack that he fainted!" he argued in a whisper.

"It'd only be for an hour," their dad replied in exasperation. "And Dr. Peredhel might think it's best for Kili to come in and see him today as well."

Kili grimaced at that and blinked his eyes open, squinting up at the two of them as Fili's hand still in his hair. "Do I have to?" he asked with a pout.

Bilbo gave him a sad smile. "We'll see what Dr. Peredhel says, okay? But you had a really bad attack today so we're going to do whatever he feels is best."

Looking up into Bilbo and Fili's worried eyes, Kili had no choice but to nod miserably.

Now that Kili had gained consciousness, Fili helped him up as Bilbo went to sign both of them out at the front office. Kili still felt a little dizzy and shaky so walking to the doors took a little longer than normal and Bilbo had already brought the car around for them both by the time they were outside.

Fili slid into the backseat with him, and he gratefully leaned into the blond's side. He noticed Bilbo kept glancing back at them, but not because of their closeness. There was nothing but concern in their dad's eyes every time he looked back.

He must have really scared Bilbo for him to overlook his clinginess with Fili.

"What happened, Kee?" Fili asked once they were curled up together on Fili's bed.

Kili felt safe in the basement with Fili. There were no windows for anyone to be peeking through, waiting for the perfect moment to attack. There were no dark corners anyone could be hiding in. There were no hiding places at all, really, unless you counted the bathroom, but that door was always firmly shut.

"I was scared," he whispered into Fili's shirt.

"What made you scared?"

He shrugged the shoulder that wasn't wedged between the bed and Fili's side. "One of the girls in my class said I deserved to be hurt by Smaug," he admitted. Fili inhaled sharply. "I started wondering if any of the other kids wanted to hurt me too and I just… panicked."

"What stupid idiot said you deserved…" Fili shook his head as he trailed off. "It doesn't matter. You know you don't—"

"I know," he assured him. "I know that I didn't deserve to be attacked by Smaug. Especially not because I—"

He cut himself off, not wanting to admit to Fili exactly what the girl had said. He didn't want Fili to try and blame himself for what happened. None of his was his fault.

"What?" Fili asked, pulling back slightly to meet his eyes. "Please, tell me."

Kili sighed. He really couldn't resist Fili when he said please. Besides, he probably deserved to know.

"She said that I was sick for being with you," he muttered finally, not looking at the blond. "Said Smaug would've been doing the world a favor."

"Bitch," Fili growled, tightening his arms around him. "Who was that said that?"

Kili rolled his eyes. "I don't know. Some stupid girl in my Lit class. I don't even know why it got to me so much," he murmured. "I just couldn't stop thinking about how some of them might want to see me hurt. Might even want to hurt me themselves. And when the bell rang and I had to leave the safety of the classroom… I got so scared," he confessed as his voice broke.

"Oh, Kee," Fili said, pulling the brunet's trembling form close as Kili let the tears run unchecked down his cheeks. "You're safe. I promise."

"Dr. Peredhel is gonna medicate me for s-sure," he sobbed, shuddering at the thought.

"That might not be a bad thing," the blond soothed, carding his fingers through his hair. "Medicine is supposed to help you get better. You won't be on it forever."

Kili shook his head. "Crazy pills," he spat bitterly. "He's going to put me on crazy pills because I'm crazy."

Fili jerked back suddenly and gave him a stern frown. "You are not crazy," he said firmly. "And they won't be crazy pills. Your brain is trying to get better but keeps overreacting because it thinks you're in danger. It just needs some help to keep calm so it can adjust to you not being in danger."

"What if they change me?" he asked in a whispered, voicing his secretest fear. He had googled some things about psychiatry after he learned he'd be seeing Dr. Peredhel, and had read some stories about psychiatric drugs that terrified him. Stories of people shutting down emotionally while on them, or becoming violent or super depressed. What if he wasn't him anymore?

"Then we'll just get the doctor to change it," Fili said firmly. "None of us are gonna let you be hurt by something that's supposed to help you, Kee."

He thought that over for a minute before shaking his head again. "I'm still scared," he whispered faintly.

"I wish you'd at least try," Fili said with a pleading look. "You scared me today, Kee. When I found out that you had collapsed…"

Fili trailed off as a tear leaked out of his eye, startling Kili as he reached up and brushed it away.

"I'm sorry," he told him earnestly. "I didn't realize I was scaring you so badly. I can be brave. For you."

The blond shook his head. "You gotta do it for you, Kili. You've gotta get better for your own sake, not mine."

Kili frowned at that. He didn't know how to respond. At a loss for words, he tucked his head under Fili's chin and let the silence stretch out between them.

They lay there together, both soaking in the other's presence, both unsure what to say, until Bilbo called to them that it was time to go.

tbc…