Chapter Forty Four

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" Dr. Peredhel asked.

Kili shrugged. He had already talked about it with Fili. Why did he have to talk about it again? Silence settled around him as Elrond waited for him to say something, but Kili kept quiet.

"Kili, I'm here to help you, but I can't do that unless you talk to me," he prompted.

"I just got scared," he replied, feeling pathetic. How stupid was it to get so scared over nothing that he couldn't even breathe? "Some kids were being mean and I was scared they would try to hurt me. I know I overreacted. I didn't mean to."

"It's perfectly natural," Dr. Peredhel was quick to assure him. "Kili, I don't want to officially diagnose you with anything so soon, but what you're going is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder."

"PTSD?" he interrupted with a furrowed brow. "That's what soldiers coming back from war have. I can't have that."

"And I'm not saying that you do," Elrond said. "But you have been through a very traumatic experience, and it has had a significant impact on the way your brain processes the world around you. Where something before would have made you a little anxious, your brain takes that and transforms it to paralyzing terror. Your brain is playing tricks on you."

Kili frowned. "How do I stop it?" How did someone stop their brain from thinking?

"We can work on techniques together. But for now, I'm going to put you on a very low dose of Valium to try and keep your attacks at bay."

"Is that the only way?" he asked, unable to keep his unease out of his voice. He had heard of Valium before, but it had always sounded like something serious that people with very serious issues took.

"I think it's the best option for now," Dr. Peredhel told him with an understanding smile. "But talking about what happens is also helpful."

He sighed. "Some girl said Smaug would've been doing everyone a favor by killing me. My mind ran away from me and I started wondering how many other people in the class wanted to hurt me," he confessed. "I panicked."

"Kili, I won't tell you that there aren't people out there who will want to hurt you," Elrond said sadly. "As much as I wish there weren't bad people there, we both know that there are. Your fear is completely understandable. We're just going to have to work together to get you to a place where that fear won't trigger your brain to go into overdrive."

"Until then, I have to take the pills, don't I?" he asked in defeat.

"Only for a little while," he assured. "You're strong, Kili. I don't think it'll take you very long to adjust."

"Everyone seems to think I'm so strong," Kili complained with a scowl. "I don't feel strong."

"I know you don't," the doctor told him. "Sometimes it's hard to feel strong when we've gone through so much. But you'll get there. Now, how about I write you that prescription and then I'll get to Fili for his session. We'll talk more tomorrow, okay?"

Kili nodded and took the slip of paper from Elrond when he finished writing, leaving the office to go back to the waiting room where Bilbo and Fili were sitting. Dr. Peredhel followed him.

"Fili?" Elrond said, giving the blond a small smile. "Why don't you come on back? Bilbo, there's a pharmacy on the second floor that you can get Kili's prescription filled at while you're waiting."

Kili pursed his lips, feeling like the doctor said it just to make sure Kili didn't hide the prescription from his dad. He wouldn't do that. He wanted to get better.

"I was going to give you the prescription," he muttered as they walked to the elevator. "Dr. Peredhel didn't have to call me out like that."

Bilbo hummed thoughtfully. "I don't think that was what he was doing," he told him kindly. "I think he just wanted to give us something to do while we waited for Fili. His session is supposed to last an hour, after all. No use in us just sitting around waiting when we could be doing something."

Kili guessed that was fair. His first session with Elrond hadn't seemed to last that long, but it was probably different when you were on the outside waiting.

"Why did you think he was… how'd you put it, 'calling you out'?" his dad asked as they stepped into the elevator.

He rolled his eyes fondly at Bilbo's awkward use of the phrase and shrugged. "I don't know," he said as he punched the button for floor two.

Bilbo sighed. "Kili, I know that recently you've stopped trusting the adults in your life. And I think that's my fault, and you have no idea how sorry I am for that," he said earnestly. "But you've got to know that all of us are on your side."

Kili frowned. He hadn't realized that he had stopped trusting all the adults he knew, but as Bilbo said it, it had become obvious that he was right. When had that happened? Why had that happened?

He thought back. He trusted them before Smaug attacked him. What had happened to make him stop? Was it because he had been afraid that they were trying to separate him and Fili? But his dad had explained that to him and he understood. Forgave him, even.

So why did he still not trust him or Dr. Peredhel or even Pop?

"I know you're on my side," he told Bilbo as they stepped off the elevator. "I'm just afraid you're going to decide what being on my side means without even talking to me about it first."

His dad nodded with a considering look on his face before he stopped them before they reached the pharmacy. "How about this?" he said serious, putting a hand on Kili's shoulder. It was the first time Kili noticed that he had grown nearly as tall as his dad. "I promise that your Pop and I won't make any decision that directly impacts you without discussing it with you first if you promise to not shut us out. If something is bothering you, you have to tell us so that we can help you."

Kili considered that for a moment. "That sounds fair," he said slowly. "But you have to promise to not try and get Fili and me to break up."

Bilbo smiled. "I can promise you that. I told you that I am happy the two of you have each other. I wouldn't take that from you for the world."

That mollified Kili as they continued to the pharmacy. He watched as Bilbo handed over the prescription to the pharmacist and was told that it would be a few minutes. He stepped to the side to examine the magazines near the counter, not really finding any of them interesting but not having anything else to do.

His dad cleared his throat as he wandered along the magazine rack with him. "So, in the spirit of discussing things that affect you," he began, making Kili instantly nervous. "Do you want to look into changing schools?"

The question surprised him. "Why would I want to change schools?" he asked in confusion.

"Well, Fili told me that someone in your class was being mean to you and that's what triggered your attack," Bilbo explained. "He didn't give me any details, so he didn't betray your confidence," he was quick to add.

Kili wouldn't have cared if he did. He trusted Fili enough to know that he wouldn't repeat anything Kili told him unless it was necessary.

He honestly had never considered switching schools as an option. Not with Fili and all his friends going to Bayside High. He shook his head. "I don't want to change schools."

"No one would blame you if you did," Bilbo told him gently.

"But I don't," Kili insisted firmly. "A new school would just make things worse," he explained with a shrug. "I'd feel even more on edge if none of my friends were at school with me."

"Fair enough," he conceded. "But you'll let us know if you have any problems? Pop and I are more than happy to go to your principal and raise a little hell if your classmates are bullying you."

Kili snorted at the mental picture of Bilbo berating Principal Thompson while Thorin loomed over them both in silence.

"Only if you let me watch," he agreed with a smile, making his dad laugh. Then the pharmacist was calling him over to collect Kili's medicine, and Kili was left to his own thoughts for a moment.

He was happy that he had cleared things up with Bilbo. They had always had a good relationship. It had hurt when he thought the older man had turned against him because of his relationship with Fili.

Bilbo came back with a small white pharmacy bag, which Kili eyed with apprehension.

"Dad?" he said hesitantly, resolutely not looking at the bag of medicine as they began to walk back towards the elevator. "You know how you wanted Fili and me to…," he paused for a moment as he tried to remember how Bilbo had put it, "establish boundaries?"

His dad gave him a tight smile. "Yes?"

"How do we do that?" Kili asked, frustration coloring his voice.

Bilbo blinked in surprise. "You're not going to fight me about it?"

He shrugged as he punched the button for the elevator. "You said it'd make us a better couple in the long run," he said before twisting his mouth ruefully. "Besides, I've been thinking about it and you might be right…"

"Really?" his dad asked as he trailed off, giving Kili a bemused look. "You've spent an entire week thinking I was a terrible person for wanting some distance between you and Fili and now you think I might be right?"

Kili rolled his eyes. Why did parents have to question everything?

"Yes, you might have had a point," he admitted petulantly before sighing. "Do you know that we never called each other 'boyfriend' until last night? I never even thought it until we were fighting," Kili told him, troubled by that more than he cared to admit. "We've been dating for over two months!"

He was glad there was no one else in the elevator when it opened and they stepped inside.

"Have you?" Bilbo asked with a frown. "I mean, have the two of you actually gone on any date?"

"Of cour—" Kili cut himself off. Had they? They had gone on things that Kili thought felt like dates before they actually confessed their feelings to each other, but had they gone on any dates after that? Surely they had?

So why didn't he remember any?

His dad gave him an understanding smile as they reached their floor and stepped out of the elevator. "You two have skipped a few steps," he said with a fond shake of his head. "You two act more like a married couple than a couple of teenagers in their first relationship."

Kili blushed, definitely not going to admit that he and Fili had already talked about getting married. Not anytime soon, of course, but the idea had already been put out there.

"So how are a couple of teenagers in a relationship supposed to act?" he asked, ignoring the "first" that Bilbo had used to qualify "relationship." If Kili had it his way, this would be the only relationship he ever had.

Which is why he wanted to make sure that it was as strong as it could be.

Bilbo pursed his lips thoughtfully before he huffed a laugh. "You know I have no idea," he confessed. "To be completely honest, I never dated in high school. Barely dated in college. You're really not asking the right person for advice."

Kili rolled his eyes again and shook his head. "That's not really helpful."

"You have friends in relationships, don't you?" his dad asked. Kili nodded, thinking of Eomer and Faramir. "Just do what they do, then."

Kili scrunched up his nose in distaste. Considering Eomer's penchant for impulsiveness and Faramir's endless patience and forgiveness, he wasn't really sure their relationships were anything alike.

"I don't know how that will work…"

"Well, I'm not saying you do exactly what they do, Kili," Bilbo told him in exasperation as they reached Dr. Peredhel's waiting room. "Just use them as a model. Get a gage on how often they go out, how many nights they spend apart, that kind of thing."

Kili sighed. "I guess that seems fair. But how are me and Fili supposed to spend nights apart when we live together?"

"I don't know, Kili," his dad answered with a sigh. "Maybe just spend time in your rooms if you aren't at one of your other friend's houses? I know this is an unusual situation, and I'm not saying that this is a perfect solution, but it's something we can try."

Kili spent the rest of the time that they waited for FIli pouting, knowing that Bilbo was probably right but not liking it one bit. He thought they were over the days where he and Fili were supposed to spend time apart "for their own good."

"Also," Bilbo added after a while in a hesitant tone, "it might not be such a bad idea for you to graduate a year behind Fili. I won't make you," he was quick to say, much to Kili's relief. "I'll support whatever decision you make there, but I want you to really think about it, okay?"

Kili nodded miserably, perking up only slightly when Fili walked out of Elrond's office.

The blond frowned as he caught sight of Kili's sad face. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head. "I'll tell you later," he promised before nodding towards Dr. Peredhel's office. "How'd it go?"

Fili shrugged. "Not bad. It kinda felt good to air some things out, you know? How about you? Are you feeling better?"

Kili nodded as they followed Bilbo into the elevator. He slid his hand into Fili's and squeezed tightly. "I'll be alright," he reassured him.

Fili gave him a smile and squeezed his hand back.

He smiled back, though the little white bag that Bilbo was carrying still bothered him.

He didn't want some stupid pills to change him. He knew Fili said that they wouldn't let anything that was supposed to make him better hurt him, but Elrond told him that it was for the best if he took the pills. What if it was still what was best for him even if they changed him?

What if they changed him into someone Fili couldn't love?

tbc…