Chapter Forty Five

Kili went through Wednesday in a fog, feeling sluggish, like he was wading through the day. Thankfully, Bilbo let him stay home from school that day. He wasn't sure if he could focus enough on anything to actually learn anything anyway.

He was so out of it that morning that he watched Fili walk out the door without an ounce of anxiety. Then he proceeded to stare at the door for a good ten minutes before his pop gently shook him out of his daze to eat breakfast.

He spent most of his morning dozing on the couch, watching crappy daytime tv without having the energy or motivation find anything else on.

Elrond told him it was normal when Bilbo took him in for his session. His body just had to get used to his medicine. Things might be a bit fuzzy for a day or two, but it would even out.

They didn't talk about anything really important in that session. They didn't touch on Smaug or school or Fili or anything Kili thought Elrond wouldn't want him to talk about. Instead, they talked about Kili's first family.

"You call your biological parents your first family?" Elrond asked with a slightly amused look on his face.

Kili shrugged a bit lazily, still feeling almost as if he were moving through water. "I was probably about nine when I first called them that," he said, words slurring together a bit. "Guess I didn't know the word biological then," he added with a chuckle.

"Most kids that age just call their biological parents their 'real' parents," the doctor commented.

Kili rolled his eyes, too drowsy to care about being rude. "Bilbo's my real dad," he insisted. He thought about it a second and tacked on, "So is Pop," for good measure.

He decided right then that he could have two real fathers. There wasn't any rule against it.

"I think they would appreciate that," Dr. Peredhel replied with a smile. "I know they think of you as their real son." Kili smiled at that, even though it was something he already knew. "But what happened to your first parents?"

"My first dad didn't like me," he said with another sluggish shrug. "Thought everything I did was wrong. Hit me all the time." Kili frowned as he realized something that he had really always known but had never wanted to think about. "I'm pretty sure he was going to kill me."

He knew that he should feel something at the realization. And he knew that the emotions were there, underneath all the fog in his head, but they felt remote. Removed. Distant.

"Your first father tried to kill you?" Elrond prompted, giving Kili an encouraging nod. "How did you survive?"

"My mother stopped him," he said softly with a slight frown. "She… died saving me. He killed her."

Even the fog of in his mind couldn't keep the sadness completely at bay. It was weird. He hadn't really ever felt sad over his mother's death. He had never thought about his mom's death as an isolated event. It was always attached to his first father's attack and the fear that that invoked. He had pushed it all away as much as he could, not examining the emotions he felt about those events.

Now that his fear and anxiety were covered in a thick layer of lethargy, his sorrow at his mother's death was able to leak through. He wasn't sure how to process it.

Thankfully, Elrond didn't press him any further about his first parents. Instead, he moved on and asked him about foster care. Kili was more than happy to recount how he met Fili and Bilbo and Thorin and how they had all become a family, even if his retelling was a little less enthusiastic than it normally would have been.

"Are you sure this will go away?" he asked at the end of the session, feeling completely drained. "I feel… empty."

Dr. Peredhel frowned before sighing. "I'm not going to lie and tell you that you'll feel normal soon. The truth is that some people acclimate to the medicine quickly and some people never do."

Kili blinked at that, eyes feeling oddly tight. "I could be like this the whole time?" he asked. The idea bothered him, but he couldn't be upset about it, which only bothered him more.

"If it stays this bad, we'll discuss other options," Elrond assured him. "But I really want you to try to push through it, Kili." He nodded miserably. "Now our time is up for today, so I'll see you next Monday."

Kili nodded again and pushed himself off the couch, trudging out of the office slowly. He must have looked as exhausted as he felt because Bilbo frowned at him and told him to wait for him in the waiting room while he spoke with Dr. Peredhel.

He moved towards one of the couches and blinked dumbly. When had Fili gotten here?

The blond gave him a tight smile as he stepped closer to him and wrapped him in his arms. Kili frowned as he automatically wrapped his own arms around Fili's waist, but the embrace felt different. Like something was missing.

"I love you," he said, trying to make himself feel it.

"I love you too, Kee," Fili told him sincerely, pulling back and looking at him with soft eyes. "It'll get better," he said, as if reading Kili's mind.

A warm feeling seeped into him at that. It took a few moments for Kili to realize what it was. "Maybe," he said, still a little uncertain but also a little hopeful.

#

School the next day was awful. He was still moving in his fog so none of the lessons actually sunk in. He was sure that if this kept up that his grades would suffer, but he really couldn't summon enough energy to care. At this rate, though, Bilbo probably wouldn't have to worry about him graduating early. He might be lucky if he graduated on time.

He kept his head firmly down, though, when he walked into English Lit. He was a little nervous as he sat down, vaguely wondering if that meant he'd be having a panic attack by now if it weren't for the meds, but he pushed that thought away. It felt like tempting fate to even think about having another attack.

"Kili?" the guy next to him said, causing his heart to skip a beat.

He turned his head hesitantly to look at the other teen. He frowned as he recognized him as one of the other freshmen on the archery team. What was his name again? Haldir?

"Don't let what Lindsay said get to you," he told him seriously. "Everybody pretty much jumped down her throat as soon as they took you to the nurse. She was out of line."

"Oh," he said dumbly as he let that sink in and felt something relax inside him. "Thanks."

Haldir smiled at him. "Are you coming to archery practice today?"

"Probably not," Kili replied with a sigh. "I've kinda been… really tired lately." He purposefully didn't mention it was because of his medicine.

It was a bit easier to get through the class after that, but it was still nearly impossible to concentrate. By the time lunch came around, all he really felt like doing was staring listlessly at his chicken nuggets. Still, he could practically feel Fili's concerned gaze on him so he picked a nugget up and nibbled on it deliberately.

Kili knew his friends were walking on eggshells around him, careful not to mention his panic attack or bring up anything else that might upset him. He could have told them that it wasn't worth the effort. His stupid medicine didn't really let him get upset over anything.

It was nice of them to try, but he just wanted thing to go back to normal.

Thinking about normal, though, made him remember his conversation with Bilbo.

"What kinda things to you and Eomer do in your relationship?" he asked Faramir as they walked towards study hall after lunch.

Faramir snapped his head to gape at him for a moment before stammering out, "W-what do you mean?"

He furrowed his brow before he realized how his question sounded. "Not like that," he corrected himself. "Like dates and stuff. How often do you go out and do you spend time apart and you know… things like that?"

"I don't know," he answered with a shrug. "We hang out at my place or his a lot, but I guess we go out on actual dates once or twice a week maybe? But Elrond is kinda strict about making sure we spend at least one week night and one day a weekend apart," he explained with a roll of his eyes. "He can be a bit weird sometimes." Judging by the fond note in Faramir's tone, Kili suspected he didn't mind Dr. Peredhel's idiosyncrasies as much as his words made it sound. "Why do you ask?"

"Dad suggested Fili and I try and be more like a regular teenage couple," he told him. "You and Eomer are the only other ones in a relationship right now."

Faramir snorted. "I wouldn't model yourself after us. We're hardly a perfect couple. Besides, what you and Fili have is so above normal. You two are like soulmates, Kili. Why would you want to lower yourselves to normal?"

"Because I want us to be Fili and Kili, not Fili-and-Kili," he said with a helpless shrug, knowing it sounded stupid.

But he got an understanding nod in return. "I see what you mean. Maybe just, I don't know, schedule times that you're definitely going to spend together and times that you're definitely going to spend apart. And talk to each other," he said meaningful, shooting a knowing glance at Kili. "You don't have to keep your feelings bottled up."

Kili made a derisive noise at that as they walked in the library together. "I don't have to worry about that," he remarked with a sigh. "With the meds I'm on, I can barely feel anything."

Faramir frowned as they sat at their customary table. Thankfully, Aragorn and Eomer hadn't arrived yet. "Kili…"

"It's fine," he said wearily, resting his elbows on the table and propping up his head. "I'll either get used to it or Dr. Peredhel will take me off of them. It's only for a little while. And I can feel some things. They just have to be pretty strong. They're just… muted." He spotted Aragorn and Eomer walking in and sighed. "Can we just not talk about this? At least not here? Aragorn or Eomer might mention it to Fili and he'll only worry."

Faramir shot him a stern look. "You should talk to Fili. Don't keep things from him. That's not going to be good for you in the long run."

Without any pesky feelings of guilt or embarrassment to stand in his way, he could see that Faramir was right. Kili could have avoided the whole fight with Fili the other night if he had just talked to his boyfriend about his insecurities. Instead, he had let them fester until they had blown up in his face.

So when they got home and were curling up on the couch in Fili's room watching television, Kili took a deep breath and turned to look at Fili.

"I can barely feel that I love you," he confessed with a puckered brow, trying once more to will his love to the surface but it remained elusive.

Fili went completely still as he looked back at him. "What do you mean?"

"I still love you," Kili explained, realizing his words had come out wrong once more. "And I can still kinda feel it sometimes when it would be really strong otherwise, but… I feel so numb, Fee," he said, hearing the dead tone of his voice and hating it. He let his forehead fall to rest on the blond's shoulder. "I don't like how the pills make me feel."

"Did you tell Dr. Peredhel?" Fili asked in concern.

He nodded. "He said to give it time and then we could look at other options if it didn't work out."

"Well, we've got all the time in the world, Kee," the blond said gently, reaching up to cup his face and give him a short peck on the lips. "And I promise you that I will love you enough for both of us, okay?"

A familiar warmth spread through him and his lips curved up ever so slightly in a smile. "Okay."

tbc…