Chapter Forty Six

The start of Winter Break was a relief to Kili. School had become a real struggle for him.

It wasn't the other students. His classmates have actually been fairly accommodating to him. His archery coach had even let him take a break from the team until after the New Year. Considering that the last time Kili had went to practice, he had nearly shot the man in the leg with an arrow, it was nice of him to let him take a break rather than just kick him off the team entirely.

The struggle, though, came with the actual school part of school. Though the drowsiness that had come with his meds had worn off as he got used to them, they still made it hard to concentrate on his lessons. His assignments took him twice as long to finish now, and the grades he got on them had slipped dramatically. And he was pretty sure he failed at least half of his finals.

But Dr. Peredhel had finally given the okay for him to come off the pills, but he had thought it would be best if he did so when he didn't have school. They decided that the ten days he had without school was the best time for him to ween off the medicine and get used to being off them again.

It was a trial period, he had been warned. If he had a panic attack during that time, they might have to rethink the no-medicine idea. Kili, though, was determined that he wouldn't have an attack and that he'd never have to take any more pills.

Each dosage his dad gave him starting the Saturday before Christmas was carefully reduced so that by the time Christmas Eve morning came, he didn't have to take any medicine at all.

Which meant he was able to watch It's a Wonderful Life with a clear head with the entire family that night, a Christmas Eve tradition for them.

He couldn't help but grin as he looked around the dark living room, the Christmas tree twinkling happily in the corner near the tree as the black and white movie cast a dull light on the rest of his family. His parents were stretched out together on the couch, with Frodo having migrated from sitting with them to sprawled out on the floor on the carpet.

Fili was curled up with him on the love seat, of course, meeting his eyes every now and again throughout the familiar movie and smiling happily at him. Kili was thrilled that, with the meds mostly out of his system, he could feel the love between them again. Both Fili's love for him and his own love for Fili.

And if he teared up a bit at the end of the movie, when the entire town showed up to help George out, well, it was touching moment so who could blame him?

Kili was so focused on the good emotions he could feel, though, that he forgot that bad ones could creep in too. So when his parents shooed them to bed after the movie and he kissed Fili good night before heading to his room, he was completely blindsided by the crippling fear that hit him as he lay alone in the dark.

His first instinct was to run downstairs immediately and climb into Fili's bed. If he did that, though, he'd have to admit in his next session that he didn't even try to handle things on his own. Even worse, he wouldn't know if he could.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He knew there was nothing to be afraid of. He knew no one was lurking in the shadows to hurt him. He was safe here.

More importantly, he deserved to be safe. That's what he and Elrond had been discussing for the last couple of weeks, after they had talked about his first family and finally gotten through Smaug's attack. Their new topic of discussion had come about after Kili's comment that maybe there was something about him that made people want to attack him.

It was something that he knew Fili had shot down immediately when he mentioned it to him, but the blond was a bit biased when it came to him.

Dr. Peredhel, though, had been working with him trying to get him to understand that he didn't deserve to be hurt. That nothing about who he was made people want to hurt him.

Kili was at a place where he knew that in his head, but accepting it was just a little more difficult.

Just like it was difficult to push the fear aside even knowing that there was nothing in the shadows that could hurt him.

Counting his breaths had always worked for him before, so he tried that. Before he got to one hundred, though, he nearly jumped out of bed at the sound of his door opening.

"Kili?" Fili's voice whispered, as the door was quietly closed.

He sighed in relief and lifted his head from where he had hidden it beneath the covers. "Fili? What are you doing?"

"It's midnight," he replied, slipping into bed with Kili and pulling him close. "I want to spend Christmas with you."

He smiled as he curled into the blond's embrace. "Couldn't wait until morning?" he whispered, secretly pleased that Fili had sneaked up to his room.

"Trust me, if your boyfriend was as gorgeous as mine is, you wouldn't be able to stay away either," Fili murmured into his hair.

Kili rolled his eyes. "If you say so. Glad you came up though," he admitted softly, looking up at him with a sheepish smile. "I couldn't really sleep. I was… afraid…"

"Dr. Peredhel said stopping the meds might be tough," Fili reasoned, brushing Kili's hair back gently before wrapping his arms around him securely. "It's probably normal to be a little overwhelmed now that you're feeling emotions you haven't felt in a while. You'll get used to it."

"I shouldn't have to get used to being an actual person with feelings again," he mumbled with a derisive snort.

"There are a lot of things you shouldn't have to deal with," Fili muttered darkly, tightening his arms around him. "But you're dealing with everything better than anyone could ask you to," he added, pulling back to look Kili in the eye. "I really don't think there's anything you can't do. Except sing. I love you, but you can't carry a tune in a bucket."

That surprised a chuckle out of Kili. "I'll leave the singing to you then," he quipped, snuggling close to him once more. "Sing me to sleep?"

"That I can do."

And with Fili's smooth and rich voice singing "Silent Night" in his ear, it was extremely easy to fall asleep.

Christmas day passed in a blur of presents and amazing food. Kili was pretty sure he had never eaten so much in his life. So it was in happy and full contentment that he curled up next to Fili that night, alone in the basement and watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

He was halfway dozing during Cindy Lou's singing when he felt something drop into his lap. Kili frowned as he looked down at the box wrapped shiny green paper. "What's this?" he asked, giving Fili a confused smile.

The blond chuckled. "It looks like a present."

Horror welled with in Kili. "But I didn't get you one!" he cried, feeling like the worst person ever. It hadn't even crossed his mind to get Fili a present. They had never gotten each other anything before. Kili felt like an idiot for not realizing that being boyfriends instead of just brothers made things different.

"That's okay, Kee," Fili assured him.

"No, it's not," he insisted. "This is our first Christmas together and I didn't get you anything!"

"You don't need to," he told him, clasping Kili's hands firmly as they flailed about dramatically and giving him a soft smile. "Just like I didn't need to get you this. But I saw it and I wanted to get it for you. Christmas is just a good excuse. Besides, it's for my benefit too."

Kili picked the small box up and shook it as he held it to his ear. "It's not condoms and lube, is it?" he couldn't help but ask cheekily.

Fili rolled his eyes. "No. Just open it."

Kili tore through the paper carefully to uncover a nondescript white box. He lifted the top to reveal a handsome, but simple bracelet, made of a rich brown leather woven band looped around a metallic infinity symbol with a brushed silver finish.

Kili loved it.

"Just how is this for you?" he asked as he lifted in from the box to examine it more closely.

Fili smiled as he took it from Kili's hand and deftly clasped it around his right wrist. He smirked in satisfaction as he rubbed a thumb over the underside of Kili's wrist, causing the brunet to shiver.

"Because now I get to see my bracelet on your wrist," Fili replied matter-of-factly. "Seeing as Dad and Pop would flip out if I got you any kind of ring so soon, this is the next best thing."

"You've thought about getting me a ring?" he asked shyly, biting his lip as he tore his eyes away from the bracelet around his wrist to look at Fili.

"Pretty sure I already told you I planned on marrying you," he commented with smirk. "But don't worry, my eventual proposal will surprise you and sweet you off your feet. Promise."

Kili tugged on Fili's hands and pulled him closer. "As long as I get you forever, I don't care," he whispered over his lips.

Fili smiled and brought one of his hands up to tangle in Kili's hair. "You've already got me forever," he whispered back before closing the minuscule distance between their mouths.

Kili moaned into the kiss, falling backwards onto the couch and pulling Fili down with him. The blond looked surprised at their sudden vertical position, but went with it as Kili tugged him into another kiss.

"Kili," the blond breathed, as he moved his mouth lower to brush against his neck and then his collarbone. Kili groaned as Fili's hands slipped under the hem of shirt and pushed it.

"Fee, please," he murmured, wrapping his legs around the blond's hips to keep him in place. He gasped as Fili's hand traveled up to play with his nipples. "Oh God, Fili!"

He was making a concerted effort to keep his voice down, but he was sure his ragged breathing was going to give them away. Their parents and Frodo may have already gone to bed, but he knew they were pushing their luck.

And while he firmly believed that there was nothing wrong with him and Fili making each other feel good like this, he would be absolutely mortified if his parents or his brother caught them.

"Shh, I got you, Kee," Fili soothed him, pulling back slightly and grabbing for the remote to turn the tv volume up a little bit. "You've got to be quiet though."

He nodded quickly, biting his lip as Fili turned his attention back to him and carefully pushed his sleep pants and boxers down. He let his head fall back heavily onto the couch as Fili's hand wrapped around him. He knew he wasn't going to last long like this. There was something incredibly hot about Fili's blue eyes staring at him intently while he was laid out with his shirt rucked up and his pants around his knees.

"You have no idea how beautiful you look like this," Fili told him, leaning down to kiss him gently even as he brought a hand back to Kili's right nipped to toy with it as his other hand pumped his arousal slowly.

"Fili…" he whined, trying to thrust into his hold but the blond sitting on his legs kept him from being able to get much leverage.

"Wanna see you come, Kee," he breathed, brushing kisses along his jaw before leaning up once more. "Will you come for me, Kee?"

"Fee!" he moaned, fingers scrambling to find purchase in his boyfriend's shirt. He bit his lip to stifle the sounds threatening to break free. Fili added a little twist to his stroke, and the pleasure coiling inside him was a second away from exploding.

He brought his hand up to his mouth just in time to smother the loud cry that was ripped from him as he spurted all over Fili's hand and his own thighs and stomach.

He collapsed bonelessly back on the couch, panting hard as he watched Fili smirk down at him before rolling off and onto his feet. The blond left him there for a moment before returning with a damp washcloth from his bathroom.

"So beautiful," he said with a smile as he gently cleaned him. "And I can't wait until I can draw those noises from you without having to have them muffled."

Kili grinned at him, letting him finish wiping him off before pulling the blond down for a deep kiss. "Your turn," he told him.

Fili pulled back, though, and shook his head, glancing at the stairs in worry. "We've probably pushed our luck enough for one night."

"Okay," Kili agreed easily enough, a plan already forming in his mind as he stood up and straightened his clothing. "Let's go to bed then. I don't think Dad and Pop will mind if I spend Christmas night with you."

Fili smiled at him. "I'm sure they won't."

As soon as they were under the covers, though, Kili pressed Fili onto his back and kissed him thoroughly. "If you think I'm going to just let you buy me presents and make me feel amazing and not return the favor, you've got another thing coming. I love you, Fili," he told him seriously. "I want to do things for you as well. Let me make you feel good," he murmured, nipping at the blond's neck and slipping a hand down to toy with the waist of his pants.

"Kili…" Fili said, gasping as the brunet's hand slipped into his boxers and wrapped around him. He shuddered beneath Kili as the younger teen nibbled at his ear. "Yes. Please."

Kili smiled as he was given permission and slowly slid down Fili's body and beneath the sheets. He tugged the blond's pants and boxers down a bit and stared for a moment at the thick erection that sprang free.

He took a deep breath before he lost his nerve, wrapping a hand around the base before leaning forward and wrapping his lips around the tip. It wasn't an unpleasant sensation, his lips stretched around Fili's leaking cock, hot and heavy in his mouth. The moan of pleasure that Fili gave only served to give him an even greater thrill.

Being able to give Fili this much pleasure was enough to make him want to do this every night.

"Kili…" Fili hissed, throwing the covers back and propping himself up on his elbows to watch. Kili found that locking eyes with Fili made the experience even better.

He couldn't hope to take all of Fili in, of course. The fear of not being able to breathe was still niggling at the back of his mind. But Fili seemed to be enjoying him sucking only on the head and using his hands for everything else. When he snuck his other hand down to gently massage his balls, Fili sucked in a sharp breath.

"Kili, I'm gonna come…" he warned breathlessly.

Kili relentlessly kept up his ministrations, teasing Fili's slit with his tongue, almost surprised when Fili stilled completely and exploded his his mouth. He managed to keep it all in his mouth, though, the taste musky and salty and thick and Fili. He swallowed it all before letting his lover's spent cock slip from his mouth, smiling proudly at the wrecked expression on Fili's face.

"Good?" he asked smugly as he snuggled into Fili's side after he tucked him back into his boxers and pulled his pants up, feeling inordinately pleased at Fili's dazed expression.

"Stupid question," he shot back, still slightly breathless as he curled around Kili and pressed a kiss to his temple. "Best Christmas present ever."

Kili chuckled as he let his eyes slip closed. "Good," he muttered. "Love you."

"Love you too, Kee."

He smiled as he felt sleep tug at his consciousness. Tomorrow, he'd have to relearn to sleep alone with fear threatening him from the shadows of his bedroom. But tonight, he could rest soundly in Fili's arms.

tbc…