Chapter Forty Eight

Kili couldn't help but fidget nervously on the couch in the waiting room of Elrond's office. Fili was sitting next to him and holding his hand, his sweaty palms telling Kili that he wasn't the only one apprehensive about this session.

He tried to force himself to calm down. So what if this was the first time Dr. Peredhel had asked to see both of them? There was nothing to worry about. Dr. Peredhel had assured them both in their individual sessions that he wasn't there to force them to do anything. He'd make suggestions about what he thought would be helpful for them, but only if he thought it was necessary.

Still, Kili couldn't help but be terrified what sort of suggestions Elrond would deem necessary. So if he gripped Fili's hand even tighter as they were called into the office and greeted their doctor, well, who could blame him?

Dr. Peredhel gave them a reassuring smile as they sat. "Good afternoon, Kili, Fili. I'm glad you could both make it."

He wanted to pout childishly and say they didn't have much of a choice, but he knew that wouldn't help anything. And it wasn't even true. Not really. Dr. Peredhel always told him that he always had a choice in whether or not he wanted to engage in therapy, and he had explicitly told Kili that they didn't have to discuss his relationship with Fili if he didn't want.

But Kili knew that his and Fili's relationship needed work. It was… different… from the relationships of their friends. And not in the whole soulmates-meant-for-each-other way that Kili always kinda thought, but more of a maybe-a-little-too-dependent-on-each-other kinda way that probably wasn't okay.

"I'm sure both of you have realized that I wanted to do a joint session with you so that we could discuss your relationship," Elrond began after it was clear that neither Fili nor Kili were going to start. "I think you have both realized that things can't continue the way they've been."

Kili gulped guiltily. He hadn't really talked to Fili about his worries about their relationship. Mostly because he didn't want to give the blond any reason to think that he wanted to end it. He didn't want that. Could never want that.

It was just… sometimes the intensity of things scared him.

"I don't want Kili missing out on anything because of me," Fili said, breaking the silence. "I don't want our relationship defining who he is. And…" he looked down self-consciously, "I suppose I don't want to lose myself in it either."

Kili's heart clenched. He had no idea that Fili had his own concerns about things between them. It made him feel a bit better, knowing he wasn't the only one with relationship fears.

Dr. Peredhel gave him a proud smile. "You are allowed to take your own feelings into account, Fili," he said approvingly before switching his gaze to Kili. "And Kili? Anything you want to add?"

"I'm scared that Fili puts me first without thinking about himself," he admitted, shooting his boyfriend an apologetic smile before turning back to Elrond. "I know I'm comparing him and Smaug with my mother and my first father, but I can't help it sometimes…"

Kili took a deep breath and stared at the carpet as he continued, "I'm also afraid that I need him too much. There are nights when I can't get to sleep because I'm so scared and I know that if Fili were there I wouldn't be…"

"But you don't seek him out then?" Dr. Peredhel pressed.

He shook his head. "Only because I know I'm not supposed to though," he confessed.

"It's a good start," he told him gently.

"I get scared some nights, too, Kee," Fili said softly. "I wake up from nightmares where we don't get to you in time and you're…" He swallowed thickly and sighed. "All I want is to sneak into your room and see that you're breathing after those."

"And why don't you?" Elrond asked.

"Because we're supposed to be setting boundaries, right?" he answered with a shrug. "Trying to get our relationship more normal and healthy?"

Dr. Peredhel gave them a small smile. "I want you both to stop worrying about normal and healthy. The truth is that normal doesn't exist and healthy is relative. The fact that the two of you are actively trying is a very large step in the right direction."

Kili frowned. "If healthy is relative, how do we know when we get better?" he asked, despair beginning to creep in.

"Well, I think the best way to go about knowing that is to set goals for yourselves," he replied with a thoughtful look. "Once you've reached those goals, you'll know that you've made substantial progress."

"But will we be better?" Kili persisted.

"You'll be better than you are now," Elrond said calmly. "This isn't a cold or infection that you can treat and it'll just go away. Keeping boundaries in your relationship might be something you both struggle with for the rest of your lives. But all relationships take work. You just have to be willing to put in the effort."

"Will it always be this hard?" Fili asked in a quiet voice. "All I want is for Kili and I to be together and love and support one another, but I don't want our relationship to hold us back."

"I think acknowledging the strength of your attachment to each other and the problems it may cause will make things easier going forward," the psychiatrist mused. "That's one of the main reasons I wanted to bring you together for our session: so that you could confess your concerns to each other."

Kili had to admit that he felt loads better after telling Fili the worries he had. And it definitely helped knowing that he wasn't alone.

"I guess we need to learn to talk things out more," Fili said ruefully.

Elrond nodded sagely. "Communication is very important to any relationship. I think when it has as tricky a history as yours, it becomes doubly so."

"Is that all you wanted us to come in together for?" Kili asked, suspicious all of a sudden. He hadn't forgotten that Dr. Peredhel had said that he might give "suggestions."

"I can see nothing gets by you, Kili," he answered with a shake of his head. "There is one other thing I would like the two of you to do other than just communicate more effectively. I know it is asking a lot, and it is only a suggestion, but I would like you to consider spending the summer apart if possible. Or at least part of it."

Ice ran down Kili's spine and his immediate reaction was to give a very emphatic no. He looked at Fili and saw the same horror reflected in his blue eyes. They couldn't spend the summer apart. They couldn't…

"Deep breaths, Kili," Elrond said soothingly.

His gaze snapped to the doctor, who was half out of his chair and watching him closely, ready to move forward if further aid was needed. Kili quickly concentrated on his breathing, unaware that it had even started to get erratic.

He looked back at Fili and saw that something in his gaze had shifted. The horror from earlier was gone and was replaced with steely resolve.

Fili leaned forward and took his hand gently. "We've got to try," he whispered. "You can't be so afraid of being away from me that you hyperventilate."

"I can do better…" Kili protested weakly.

The blond smiled. "I know you can. That's why I know we can do this. And we have a few months to work up to it, okay?"

He gulped. He wasn't at all sure about this plan. But he had to be strong. "Okay."

"How was therapy, boys?" Bilbo asked at dinner later in a carefully casual tone.

Kili wasn't fooled. He was sure that their dad had been waiting until now to bring their session up. He had probably manufactured dinner to specifically facilitate it. That explained why Thorin had been waiting with Chinese when they got home, and Frodo was having dinner at Merry's house.

"Dr. Peredhel wants us to spend the summer apart," he said morosely. The idea still didn't sit right with him. He didn't want to spend so much time without Fili. But he knew it was for the best. It wasn't healthy that he got panicky at the thought of being away from FIli.

"The entire summer?" their pop asked with a furrowed brow. "That might be tough."

Kili shrugged. "He said at least part of it."

"I, uh, actually thought about how we could spend time apart," Fili said, giving Kili a sheepish look. "It wasn't something I really considered before but now…"

"Well, what is it?" Bilbo prompted, once it became clear that Fili was reluctant to continue.

"Well, Mrs. Fitz suggested I look into summer theater programs," he said, ducking his head bashfully. "She said she thought I had a lot of talent."

Kili couldn't help but smile at that. "She isn't wrong," he stated. Even though the night had ended badly, he couldn't deny that Fili had been amazing in Cinderella.

"A lot of the programs are really competitive, and there are a lot of people who've been training for lot longer than me," Fili said with a shrug. "But I'm sure I can find one that'll take me."

"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea," Bilbo said.

"What am I supposed to do all summer then?" Kili asked, imagining sitting at home alone while Fili was off at drama camp and growing sad at the prospect.

Thorin snapped his finger as his face lit up triumphantly. "Didn't you want to intern with Dr. Radagast? I can still talk to him for you?"

Kili perked up at that. "Yeah?" he said hopefully.

"Yes, and I'm sure he'll take you on," his pop told him confidently. "That'll keep you busy enough so you will barely even notice Fili is away."

He really doubted that, but he figured it might distract him a little bit at least. But that wasn't really what was bothering him the most. He really didn't like the idea that Fili had already thought about a way to spend the summer apart. It made him think about how quick Fili was to sign up for jiu-jitsu classes when Bilbo has suggested they spend time apart years ago. It made him wonder if there was a lot that Fili would do if he didn't have Kili to worry about.

Considering Elrond had just told them that they needed to communicate better, he brought it up after dinner when they were alone.

"Are there a lot of things you would do if I wasn't around?" he asked.

Fili furrowed his brow in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you knew you wanted to do theater this summer and way back you knew you wanted to take jiu-jitsu," he explained. "It just seems that whenever someone suggests we spend time apart, you have something you want to do."

"And you think that means you're holding me back," Fili surmised, comprehension dawning on his face.

Kili worried his lip a bit before answering, "Didn't you say you were afraid of that earlier?"

He sighed. "Yeah, I suppose I did, but I don't think you have held me back," he said thoughtfully. "There's never been something that I wanted to do that I didn't do because of you."

"Would you have gone to drama camp or whatever if Dr. Peredhel hadn't told us to spend the summer apart?" he shot back.

"Probably not," Fili admitted ruefully. "But not because of you."

"But you wanted to go before," Kili pressed.

"Kind've…"

"And why weren't you going to go?"

Fili looked down in defeat. "Because I didn't want to be apart from you."

Kili gave him a sad smile and nudged him lightly with his elbow. "Guess we have our work cut out for us."

"Maybe, but it's worth it," the blond said firmly, meeting his eyes and smiling back. "I love you, Kee, and we can make this work."

He nodded back, bolstered by Fili's confidence. "Yeah," he agreed. "We just have some things to work on. Like my separation anxiety and your putting me before other things you want. Because you'll always have me," he tacked on, needing to make sure Fili knew it. "You don't have to choose between me and anything else."

"I'll keep that in mind," Fili said, eyes soft before he smirked mischievously. "Now, Mario Kart?"

Kili grinned. "You're on!"

They spent the rest of the night racing each other on the television, Frodo joining them once he got home. Kili wished he could say that he was letting his little brother beat him, but the truth was the little imp was way better than he had any right to be.

"That's it! I admit defeat!" he cried dramatically after yet another humiliating loss.

Fili snorted. "Maybe you should be going to drama camp, as you call it."

Kili gave him a thoughtful look. "You know, maybe that's what you should think about doing as a career."

He had thought of a lot of things that Fili could do ever since he had said he'd help him figure out what he could do, but he hadn't considered acting. Which was oversight on his part because he had seen last semester how much Fili loved the stage.

Fili rolled his eyes at the thought though. "That's just a hobby, Kili."

"But you're so good!" Frodo chimed in, giving Fili a grin.

Kili smiled smugly at him at Frodo's agreement. "It's something to think about at least," he pointed out.

"Maybe, but I think I'll have a back up plan all the same," he quipped with a shake of his head. "I hear the whole theater thing is a competitive field."

Kili laughed. "Maybe just a little."

"You're going to drama camp?" Frodo asked suddenly.

"It's not drama camp," FIli said. "It's a summer program, and I might."

Their little brother pouted. "You're going to be gone all summer? Without Kili? Why?"

He and Fili shared a look. Neither of them really wanted to explain their relationship problems to Frodo. He didn't need to deal with their mess.

"Because Fili wants to go and I don't," Kili answered for him, smiling down at their little brother. "We can spend time apart doing our own things and still love each other."

Frodo gave him a hopeful look. "You mean it's okay if you don't do everything together in a relationship? Cause Sam spends hours in the little garden his mom gave him and it's so boring!"

That surprised a laugh out of both of them. "I thought you didn't like Sam?" Fili teased.

Frodo turned red. "I don't!"

"Sure you don't," Kili said knowingly. "But no, you don't have to do everything together when your in a relationship."

He knew it was supremely ironic that they were telling Frodo this. But in their defense, they were trying to take their own advice. He looked over at Fili, who was giving him a sheepish smile.

It was going to be hard, he knew, to spend more time apart, but he also knew in that moment that it was something they had to do.

tbc…