Chapter Fifty
The semester flew by quicker than Kili wanted it to. As expected, their quiz bowl team lost at the regional competition, though they finished second, which was more than Kili had expected after they had only had a month to prepare. Still, that meant that after Spring Break, Kili had more free time than he had previously had.
Fili submitted his summer applications and audition tapes around the same time. Kili had thought that this would mean that his boyfriend would have more free time as well, but he was bitterly disappointed to learn that his rehearsals were becoming more intense the closer they got to opening night. He didn't remember the blond working as hard for Cinderella, but apparently Les Mis was a much more daring endeavor for the high schoolers.
They managed to find time for dates here and there. Nothing elaborate like Kili's birthday surprise for Fili, but they did Friday night dinners or Saturday afternoon outings. When the spring weather became pleasant, they even managed a picnic in the park one Sunday.
That had been an unmitigated disaster, in Kili's opinion. The ant bites for his ankles still itched.
Still, Fili's opening night was approaching swiftly, along with the end of school, and Kili was positive that they would have two or three weeks to spend together before they were pulled apart for the summer.
That idea, though, was thrown out the window the Thursday before opening night.
Archery practice had been cancelled that day and Mrs. Fitz hadn't schedule rehearsal so that the cast's voice could be well-rested, so Fili and Kili had walked straight home after school, only to be greeted at the door by Bilbo brandishing a large envelope and a smile.
"This came for you today, Fili," he told him, handing it over.
Kili managed to catch a glimpse of the word "Northwestern" before Fili was flipping the envelope over and ripping it open in excitement. Considering how very large the envelope was, Kili had no doubt that it carried only good news, which was confirmed a moment later after Fili scanned the letter he had pulled out.
"I got in," he said in soft, stunned voice. His blue eyes flew up to meet Kili's as a wild grin spread over his face. "I got in!" he cried, nearly vibrating with excitement and throwing his arms around Kili with a laugh.
Kili grinned even though his heart was breaking inside. Northwestern was the one program he had desperately wished Fili wouldn't get in, as selfish as it sounded. The blond had barely made the second admissions deadline, when there would have necessarily been less space, so Kili knew how impressive it was that he had actually gotten in.
And he was proud of Fili. If anyone deserved it, he definitely did. It was just…
That was a seven week program. That meant Fili was going to be gone for nearly the entire summer.
"They would have been stupid not to accept you," Kili told him, trying to keep his voice as bright as possible to hide his dismay. Fili, thankfully, was too caught up in his excitement to notice.
He pulled back and beamed at Kili, giving him a smacking kiss to the lips before whooping. "I've got to let everyone know!" he declared, pulling out his phone and moving into the living room to call people, leaving Kili standing in the foyer with their dad.
Bilbo gave him an understanding smile. "Come on, Kili. I made brownies."
He followed his dad into the kitchen with a frown on his face, not bothering to hide his sorrow with Fili safely in the other room, babbling happily on the phone to Aragorn or Eowyn or someone.
He collapsed into a chair at the table as Bilbo set a plate of brownies down in front of him.
"He's going to be in Chicago all summer," he said sadly, taking a brownie and nibbling at the corner. Tears filled his eyes as he realized something. "I don't think we've ever been apart that long since we've met."
"You have," Bilbo told him confidently. "I had you for about three or four months before I met him and Thorin, so you were apart for that long at least. But you didn't completely come out of your shell until you got him back so I imagine it was tough for you even then."
"We don't even get any time together before he leaves," Kili pointed out morosely. "His program starts right after school is over."
That was only four weeks away! Kili felt a slightly panicky feeling creeping up on him. He closed his eyes and took deep, even breaths, just like he always did when he felt overwhelmed. He felt more in control, but his anxiety was still there.
"Would you rather him not go?" his dad asked softly. "You know he'd stay if you asked him to."
Kili's head snapped up and he stared at Bilbo in horror. The thought of asking Fili not to go only caused the bubble of panic inside him to grow bigger. "I can't do that!" he choked out, blinking back tears. "He's so happy and he wants to go and I want him to be happy even if it means going."
He forced himself to focus on the brownie in his hand, bringing it to his mouth and carefully counting the number of chews he took. His jaw began aching after a few moments of vigorous chewing, but he kept at it, blocking out everything but the brownie mush swishing around in his mouth.
"Kili," his dad's voice reached him through his intense concentration, sounding a bit faint to his ears. He felt a hand grip his, and he started at the touch, finally meeting Bilbo's concerned eyes.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, hating how worried his dad looked.
He shook his head. "You don't have to be sorry," he reassured him, squeezing his hand comfortingly. "But… can you tell me why you're so scared?"
Kili bit his lip as he considered the question. "I'm not sure," he admitted at last, feeling stupid. How could his insides feel so shaky and twisted without him really knowing why?
"Are you scared you'll be hurt if he's not around?" Bilbo prompted. "Or that he'll be hurt with you not around?"
He frowned but shook his head. "No, I know I'm safe with you and Pop and all my friends around," he replied. It had been something that he had had to work on with Dr. Peredhel, but it was something he had come to accept. He was still working on feeling safe when he was alone, but he wouldn't be alone even with Fili gone. "And I'm usually more worried about Fili being hurt when he's trying to protect me."
"Then what worries you?" his dad asked.
He stared down at the brownie in his hand as he wrestled with his feelings. What was he afraid of? He knew he was going to miss Fili like crazy and that the blond's absence would hurt, but he wasn't really afraid of that. He wasn't looking forward to it, but he could handle it. They'd call and text and FaceTime. It would be totally fine. Well, not fine, but it wasn't anything to be scared of…
So what was he scared of?
When he thought about it, the answer was just a new variation of an old fear.
"What if he realizes he can do better than me?" he asked in a small voice. He gave a watery, choked laugh that contained no humor. "I've always stuck close to him, and he had no time to find anyone else. That's why I was so clingy before I realized I was in love with him, not wanting to share him with anyone else. If he goes away from seven weeks, who's to say he won't realize there are better options than me."
"I say," Fili's voice said firmly from behind him.
Kili cringed as he turned to see Fili leaning against the doorframe with a deep frown. "I'm sorry," he murmured, not able to meet Fili's eyes. "I don't want to ruin this for you. It's exciting and you should be proud. I'm proud," he insisted truthfully. "I just…"
"I know," he said, stepping forward and crouching next to Kili's chair, grabbing the hand Bilbo wasn't holding tightly. "And if I thought for a second that me going away would hurt our relationship, I wouldn't go. But I know this is for the best. You know it too."
He nodded reluctantly with a sigh. "I do know it."
"And you never have to worry about me finding anyone else," Fili told him seriously, thumb brushing over the metal infinity symbol around Kili's wrist. "I made you a promise, right?" Kili nodded with a soft smile as he gazed down at his bracelet. "And have I ever broken a promise to you?"
Kili thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No."
Fili smirked at him. "And I'm not about to start now. Feel better?"
He blinked as he realized that he did. The panic had receded, and he no longer felt shaky and queasy. "Yeah," he said, dunking his head shyly and smiling up at Fili. "Thank you."
"Anytime," he replied with a grin, leaning forward to give Kili a tender kiss to his forehead. If they were alone, Kili knew the kiss would have been on his lips and would have lingered a bit more, but he was fairly certain both of them would be mortified to do such a thing in front of their dad.
"And I am proud of you," Kili stated firmly. "This is a great opportunity for you and you're going to be amazing! I'm going to miss you like crazy, but I know you have to go."
Now it was Fili's turn to give a shy smile. "I'm going to miss you too."
Kili was glad that Bilbo had taken that as his cue to slip out quietly because he really didn't think he could resist kissing Fili at that moment.
"Are you ready for tonight?" Kili asked as he and Fili walked to school together the next morning. Fili wouldn't be walking home with him, as the entire cast and crew was going to stay after school to prepare for opening night. After the rush of excitement caused by his acceptance letter yesterday, Kili was sure Fili would be confident going into tonight's performance.
Which is why the uncertain look on Fili's face puzzled him.
"You know you're going to be amazing," he told him when the blond didn't answer. When Fili still didn't answer, Kili stopped and grabbed his hand in concern. "What's wrong?"
Kili was well aware of their reversed positions, as usually it was Fili who was worried about Kili being lost in bad thoughts. Kili was the one who usually overthought things and got stuck in his own head. Fili typically just made a decision and followed through.
"I don't want you to worry," he admitted after a moment of hesitation.
"I'm already worried," he murmured, stepping closer and bringing a hand to the side of Fili's neck. "We're supposed to be communicating more."
"It's just… I can't help remembering what happened last time I performed," Fili confessed finally with a heavy sigh.
Kili furrowed his brow in confusion. "Last time you…?" It hit him suddenly, and he felt like an idiot. "Oh."
The last time Fili had performed had been the night that Smaug attacked him. How had he forgotten that? He remembered watching Fili proudly as he played Prince Charming, and he couldn't forget Smaug's horrific attack if he tried, but the two events had somehow been separated in his mind.
"I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to trigger a bad memory for you," Fili explained in a rush. "But I just… last time I walked off stage after curtain call and you never showed up backstage and then Faramir was shouting, telling me to come quickly, and you were on the ground looking so pale and still…"
Fili was practically sobbing by the time he trailed off, and Kili didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around the blond and pull him close, burying his nose in Fili's hair as his boyfriend's shoulders shook with tears.
He couldn't imagine being in Fili's position. Just the thought of Fili being hurt made his heart clench with fear, but to actually see the aftermaths of a brutal attack and to see Fili lying lifelessly on the ground…
"I'm sorry," he whispered as his grip on Fili tightened. He didn't know how Fili even found the courage to even participate in another show. He knew he wouldn't have been able to. "I didn't even think…"
"No," Fili said firmly, pulling back a bit and shaking his head fiercely. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, and you shouldn't have to think about it. I've been trying hard not to think about it. That was a bad night for both of us, but we're supposed to be putting it behind us."
"But it's still hurting you," Kili pointed out, feeling a flash of hatred directed at Smaug. He pushed that feeling away, though, because he wanted to focus on Fili instead. "You know nothing like that is going to happen tonight."
He nodded. "In my head, I do," he answered. "That doesn't really stop me from being afraid."
Kili snorted. "Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with that feeling. What can I do to help?"
Fili bit his lip. "Could you… maybe make sure to stay with Dad and Pop tonight? Or at least don't go anywhere alone? I think if I can just make it through tonight knowing that you're safe, I won't worry so much during tomorrow's show or anything."
"I won't go anywhere by myself," Kili promised. "I'll stay with Dad or Pop tonight, and tomorrow I'll stick close to our friends."
Fili sagged in relief at that. "Thanks. I know nothing's going to happen, and I swear I won't make you do this every time I perform, I just…"
"I get it," he assured him immediately. "And I really wasn't planning to wander off on my own anyway." He leant in to give him a gentle kiss before smiling in understanding. "I love you, and if this makes you feel better, I'm happy to do it."
More than happy, really. Fili had done so much for him when he was scared, it felt good to be able to give him a little in return.
Fili gave him a grateful smile. "I love you too. Now, come on," he said, stepping out of Kili's embrace and tugging him along the street. "If we don't hurry, we'll be late."
tbc…