Zo' don't act too surprised when I come back on my own.
"Have fun," I say, hopin' she ain't gonna start in on me all over again. No such luck.
"Sir," she says, as serious a look on her face as ever there was when we's sure that the next shellin' was like to be the end of both of us. "Never know what tomorrow's gonna bring, when you're going to go, and while I miss Wash like hell, always will, I don't have regrets for what time we had."
"Zo'," I say. "I ain't gonna talk about it no more, and I ain't gonna listen to no one else 'bout it today. Nor tomorrow. All you plotters and schemers go plot and scheme some more without bendin' my ear, so's you leave a man in peace for a day or so, lest I put y'all in the brig together for mutiny. An' that's a small brig."
"You can't fly a ship with no crew," she says with that damn smirk o'hers, on top of an eyebrow.
"You can't crew a ship with a Cap'n you done drove completely feng kuang, neither. So space it, all of y'all, for a time."
I don' wait for no response before I go back up to the front. I know gorram well all she'd do is give me that eyebrow again anyway.
I'm in my bunk, and damned if I don't lock it from the inside just so's she knows I don't want no company. Not that she can't get it open if she's a-minded to, but maybe she'll just quit peckin' a bit. I can hear 'em all come well, not draggin' in since it don't sound like no one got drunk, but comin' in late after a good time had on land. That's good. They should have a good time.
Kaylee, though, she don't get it. None of them do, even River. There's always gotta be someone watchin' out for the children, as make sure there ain't no wolves comin' for 'em from all directions. There ain't no time to be what Kaylee'd call happy when you're keepin' an outlook like that. The happiness jus' comes from knowin' you're keepin' the wolves off, and mos' days, it's enough. The days that it ain't? Well, if'n you're lucky, they just don't come that often. If'n you're not, well, you don't stand down regardless. You just keep pushin' those loud behind voices off as far as you can, knowin' you still got to keep lookin' around. Wolves are always louder than loud behind voices, even mine. Handy that way.
I let 'em all spend more time on the ground than maybe I would've done otherwise. Jayne and Zo' and me take turns stayin' with the boat, an' I spend my time off ship runnin' errands for Kaylee and Simon and totin' up what we need for the mess and whatever other things ain't particular to what the crew wants for themselves. We even got two lines on jobs we can do at the same time, tho' we won't know 'til right before take off. Won't be the first time, so I leave off worryin' on that end of things. I gave 'em all pay when we first hit the ground, tho' I didn't save much for myself. It's enough they're enjoyin' themselves, and I don't need nothin' I don't have already, maybe exceptin' another shirt and some pants. Once that's done and they're sent off to the boat, I'm confused to find myself in the stalls wi' ladies' clothes in front of a stand with those flowy-like flowery skirts the little bird favors.
I can't be buyin' her stuff. I can't go encouragin' her. But they've got 'em in those pinks and blues that she likes and the lady watchin' the stall knows that of all the suckers born every gorram minute, I'm one of the biggest.
"See something you like?" she asks with a smile. "For someone special?" she adds.
'Course, next thing I know I'm showin' her how tall the little bird stands and how little her waist is, gorram cursin' my hands for rememberin' what I keep tellin' my brains to forget since we done danced, and she's got me buyin' three o'those twirly-type skirts that she likes at a "special price for a man so handsome as you."
I ain't gonna carry them back to the boat by mysel' though, I got engine parts to pick up in the mule, so I just give her the berth an' my name and she wraps 'em to send 'em on at th'end o'the day. She smiles at me one last time as I'm rubbin' the back o' my head an' wonderin' why the hell I'm so spacelost.
I'm more feng kuang than anyone gives me credit for. 'Specially her.
O'course, even Jayne gets in on it 'spite of my tellin' him not to. Ain't nobody listenin' to me any more. I'm unloadin' the mule and tellin' him to get goin', but he gives me the same eye he does when he's cleanin' his guns. Attentive-like. And gorram-it, like he cares when the man cared nothin' bout nothin' but his guns when he signed on.
Instead, he starts helpin' me unload the mule when before he'dve been off to the nearest whorehouse and be drunk halfway there just on his prospects.
"You gonna go back out an' actually spend time with the crew afore we lift off?" he says, takin' one end of a big controller ain't no way I can carry to Kaylee's engine bay all by myself.
"No reason to," I say. "Let everyone enjoy themselves before we get back to work. Spend enough time w'me in the Black. Don't need to be seein' my sorry face on the ground, too."
"You just ain't got no end of feelin' sorry for yourself," he says then.
"It ain't feelin' sorry, Jayne," I say. "It's just knowin' when people need a break. An' if'n I need a break from all y'all I don't see as it's nobody's business."
He looks at me a long moment, then says "No, that's mostly right. But I'll tell ya somethin' Mal, you ain't really takin' a break even if you're thinkin' you are. I sure as hell seen an' done things a whole lot worse then you ever did, an' don' tell me you ain't regrettin' some of your'n because maybe you enjoyed the gettin' some back part a little too much-- but that's as it is. Book was onta somethin' when he was allus talkin' bout redemption and changin' and just doin' better than afore bein' all that matters in th'end. An' I know you feel like you gotta watch out the whole time. S'what makes you a good Cap'n. An' I know you're keepin' watch all the time not 'cause you don't think me an' Zo' can't."
He takes a long, thoughtful pause, and 'spite o'myself I listen, since it's not often Jayne talks so much an' he has more to say than most folks when he does.
"But ... think on it this way. If'n you never sleep, all that not sleepin' catches up w'you one day. Maybe it ain't happened yet, but that don' mean it won't, an' you know it allus happens when it's not a good time. So maybe you oughta think about how you can as you don't need to stay awake all the time, leastaways it catch up wi'you at just the wrong moment. After all, if'n a nasty ol' merc like me gets to take a watch or two off, then a Cap'n who knows well enough to regret more than I ever did should too."
"You done?" I ask, settin' my end of the thing down in time w'him. Bastard don't even need a warnin' to be payin' attention to what needs doin' round here. He'd make Zo' a good second if'n and when I join the Black.
"'Pends," he says seriously. "You listenin'?"
"I heard ya," I say.
He just gives me this look. "Yeah. I know ya heard me. But listenin's different."
I just shake my head and go back to my bunk. Seems I been doin' a lot of that these days, an' it just keeps gettin' emptier.
It all comes to a head the next mornin' when all've 'em 'cept River's on me at breakfast 'bout how we've only got one more day an' I ain't seen the sights nor come out with 'em again since that first night when "y'aint had more'n one dance w'each of us, Cap'n, we're like to think you don't love us. 'Specially Jayne. He didn't even get one dance wi'you, nor Simon," Kaylee says with a grin.
They're all smilin' and jokin' and River's just pokin' away makin' tea an' I know she's just pushin' at 'em. She's not pushin' at 'em more'n what they're already thinkin', and she ain't one to go puttin' words in their mouths as ain't already thoughts to provide 'em, long as they're not Alliance. But she's pushin' the thoughts out into words where maybe some's as keep a mite more quiet than has.
"That's enough," I say, bangin' my hand on the table, though I ain't yet had tell to be raisin' my voice. They all get quiet right quick. "Y'all think it's funny, an' it's not. I got my reasons, whether y'all think they're good ones, an' if y'all can't let a man alone w'his thoughts, then y'all gotta think what it means to be a crew an' a family. I ain't sayin' y'all can't think whatever you want. But comes a time ain't doin' no good to keep peckin'. Sometimes it's better as keepin' beaks shut."
She turns around and looks at me, head tipped and concerned as I say I know as they're peckin'.
Lookin' at her direct-like, since o'course she knows I ain't tellin' them how it is, I try to explain. "See, little bird, you keep on peckin', it bleeds. And if it bleeds enough, well, it can't fly, and if it can't fly, it stops workin'. You keep peckin', it stops bein' broken and moves on over to just not workin' no more."
The rest of them are watchin' and ain't got no idea what we're talkin' 'bout in particular, and she's gettin' wide-eyed.
"It bleeds?" she says, soundin' sorry, like she's finally gettin' the picture. She almost always gets it, but even she don't always get it right away. Sometimes it takes a bit, this bein' one o'those times..
"Just about," I say with a nod, and hopin' she reads I ain't tryin' to be mean, I'm just tryin' to make her understand. "Now," I say, lookin' at her and everyone else of my sorry lot. "I'ma gonna go not be pecked at for a spell. Jayne, you and Zo' decide as who's keepin' watch since Jayne, you're so keen on sharin' that out, and ain't no one as call me lest there's fightin' or Reavers or bleedin'. I'll be back on the morrow, close as two hours before liftoff. I'll 'spect everyone of them as is continuin' on to be here fifteen minutes before."
They're quiet as I head off, stop quick in my bunk for my coat and money and weapons, but no one comes after me as I walk off the deck. Almost wish that they would, though.