Holding Onto Hope
By wanna-be-bold
I can't believe I've been away from this story for so long. I kinda lost inspiration for a while but it's coming back to me. This chapter ended up being a lot longer than I expected.
I should have mentioned this earlier, but Ziva arrives at Tony's apartment on July 10, 2015 (actually a Friday) so this chapter is July 12, 2015.
Non-beta'd
Ch 9
July 12
Ziva woke that Sunday morning to an unfamiliar yet comforting feeling. She felt relieved that she finally told Tony about everything that had happened in the two years that she was gone. As she became more awake, she realized that she and Tony had fallen asleep on the couch after their talk. They had moved and now she was laying half on top of him. At the sound of Tikva waking up drifting from the other room, Ziva slowly moved to sit up, trying to avoid jarring Tony in the process. She was almost standing when she heard his sleep-laced voice from behind her.
"Good morning."
Now standing, she stretched and turned around to face him. "Good morning Tony. I did not mean to wake you. I heard Tikva waking and was going to get her. "
Tony now heard the sounds of Tikva from the other room and stood up next to Ziva. He put a hand on her arm when she turned towards his room. "Let me."
Ziva watched Tony make his way to his room to pick up their now awake daughter. When he walked back into the living room, he had Tikva on his hip with her head laying over onto his shoulder. Tony was looking down at her, talking softly while lightly running his hand over her arm. Ziva couldn't tear her eyes away from the picture of father and daughter and felt love well up in her chest. She knew know that this is how she wanted her life to be. There was no way she could ever go back to it being just her and Tikva. She was brought out of her thoughts when Tony slowly approached, pointing at her.
"Look Tikva, there's momma. Say good morning."
"Morn momma." Tikva babbled before reaching out for Ziva.
"Good morning my little nesikha." Ziva takes her daughter from Tony, bouncing her on her hip while walking around the living room. Tony watches the scene before him: Ziva David - former Mossad assassin and NCIS Agent – is walking around his living room holding and talking to her daughter, their daughter. Even though they've only been here for two days, Tony knows that he doesn't want to give this up. He knows that he still loves Ziva and now has a love he's never before experienced for the little girl who shares his DNA. He silently hopes that Ziva is going to stay in America, more specifically in DC with him, yet he doesn't want to ask her just yet, afraid of scaring her away. He's broken out of his thoughts when Ziva walks up to him after having made a lap around the living room.
"Quarter for your thoughts Tony?"
"Penny, Ziva, it's 'penny for your thoughts.'"
"Well, maybe yours are worth more."
A small smile appears on his face as he shakes his head and avoids her question. "What would you like to do today Zee-vah?"
Ziva decides to ignore the diversion to her question for now and maneuvers the squirming toddler around in her arms. "Well, I will need to go to the store and pick up some necessities for myself and Tikva. But first, this little one needs some breakfast."
She starts to set Tikva down before Tony offers to cook breakfast for them.
"That is okay Tony, I do not mind."
"I know you don't mind Ziva, but you made breakfast yesterday, let me make it today." She started to protest before Tony cut her off. "Seriously Ziva, I've got this, go relax with Tikva. I can make omelets, maybe some bacon?"
Reluctantly, Ziva caved, the thought of relaxing with her daughter for the first time in days too appealing to pass up. "That sounds good Tony, thank you." She turned as Tony ushered her out of the kitchen.
"Now go, go sit down in the living room and let me take care of everything."
20 minutes later, Tony called from the kitchen to let them know that breakfast was ready. Ziva walked in to four plates of food set out on the table, "Okay, we've got omelets, scrambled eggs, bacon, and turkey bacon. Dig in."
While they ate breakfast, they discussed their plans for the day. Ziva knew she had to do some shopping and considered taking Tikva to the park. With tomorrow being Monday and not knowing how long Ziva planned on staying, he wanted to spend as much time with them as possible so he decided to go with them. After breakfast, Tony offered to clean up while Ziva showered and bathed Tikva. When Ziva walked out with damp hair and a freshly clean toddler, Tony went into the bathroom to shower and dress quickly so they could start their day.
They stopped at the local store to pick up diapers, bath supplies, and other necessities that Ziva was running out of, having only brought a small amount with her on the plane. After making sure they bought everything on the list, they checked out and drove to the local park. Lucky for them, the park was not very crowded at this time of day so he parked as close to the entrance as possible so they could leave the diaper bag and lunch in the car. Ziva unbuckled Tikva and headed towards the playground as Tony walked behind. When they got closer, Ziva looked back at Tony who was just standing at the edge with his hands in his pockets looking lost.
"Tony. Tony!" Ziva called, finally breaking him out of the trance he appeared to be in. He looked at her but stood rooted in the same spot so Ziva called out to him again. "Tony, are you going to join us?"
"Ummm"
Sensing Tony's hesitation, Ziva started walking back to Tony, tugging on Tikva's hand as she tried to pull her mother towards the slide. She picked up Tikva and laid a hand on Tony's arm, now holding his attention that was impossible to attain moments earlier.
"What is wrong Tony? Do you not want to be at the park? Perhaps we should just go back to your apartment?"
"No, no Ziva. I, I want to be here. Trust me I do. I just, this is all so new. I don't feel like I belong here. I mean, look around. All of these families are happy and playing together and then there's me, the man who just met his daughter and has no idea what to do with her because her mother had to do everything alone and is already great at being the single parent. What if I can't be there for her like she needs me to be? I don't think I can ever be a good enough father."
Ziva was shocked at his confessional rant. She thought Tony would have doubts, but she never realized actually how much he had been doubting himself and his fathering capabilities. She looped her free arm through his and leaned against his shoulder, trying to comfort him through a small hug, then turned her face up to his. She whispered his name as a sigh.
"Tony. You belong here as much as any of the other families. You may not be close to Tikva yet, but you will be. I know you already love her and she loves you. I may have done well as a single parent, but I was never perfect and I never will be and I would much rather her have you in her life as well."
"But,"
"No Tony. You will be a great father. You already are. Now, come, play with your daughter. She likes the slides the best. If you feel overwhelmed, just follow me."
Tony looked into her eyes and saw the sincerity there. He nodded his head and Ziva unwrapped her arm from his before grabbing his hand, pulling him along. She paused for a moment to turn back to face him. "We will talk more later." Tikva was set on the ground, leading her parents to the slide she had been eyeing since their arrival. Ziva had one hand in her daughters and the other in Tony's, creating the picture of the perfect family.
Ziva took Tikva down the slide twice as Tony watched from the side before the toddler reached out to her father. "Da, slide da!" A thousand watt smile broke out across Tony's face as he picked up his daughter and took her down the slide. They took turns sliding with her and then took her to the swings before Ziva declared it was lunch time. Tony went to get the lunch and diaper bags while Ziva found a nice grassy area to sit in. Tony handed her the diaper bag and she got out the blanket, laying it down and setting down on it with Tikva. As Tony set out lunch, Ziva wiped Tikva's hands with baby wipes before feeding her her snack. When she was satisfied Tikva had a belly full, she laid her down between herself and Tony for a short nap.
Tony gazed down at her lovingly. "She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. She's, she's so amazing"
Ziva looks down at their daughter too "Yes she is."
When she looked up, she met Tony's eyes and suddenly found herself nervous. She glanced away before looking at him again and bringing up their conversation from earlier. "Tony, talk to me about earlier. Why are you doubting your ability as a father?"
"Think about it Ziva, look at the example I had. After my mom died, senior was never there for me. I don't have a parent figure to look up to. How am I supposed to be a good father to her?"
"I know how you feel Tony. I felt the same thing when I first found out I was pregnant. Look at my father. Look at how I was raised. I still fear that I will never be the mother that she needs me to be. There have been so many nights I have stayed awake, fearing that I will fail her because I never experienced the kind of parent I want to be for her. I have found though that it does not matter how I was raised. I love her and I always want what is best for her. Sometimes I take a step back and think to myself, 'what did I do to deserve her?' I believe she is my second chance Tony. My chance to correct everything my parents ever did, everything I ever did. I learned from my father's mistakes and I believe you can too. I have faith in you."
At some point during Ziva's speech, Tony had put his hand over hers and their hands became intertwined. When they looked at each other this time, their eyes were both shining with tears.
"Thank you Ziva. I know it couldn't have been easy for you. I'm sorry that I made it sound like you had an easy life growing up, I know you didn't. I can see that you're a wonderful mother to Tikva. I hope that I can be as good of a parent as you are."
Ziva slightly nodded, reaching her free hand up to wipe her eyes. They looked down to see their daughter waking up and Tony took his free hand and ran it over Tikva's hair. They were both tired after their talk so they decided to pack the car up and go back to Tony's and order take-out for dinner. They were sitting in the floor playing with Tikva when Tony heard his phone start ringing. Checking the ID, he saw it was Gibbs and crossed his fingers that he wasn't being called in.
"Boss?"
"Take the week off DiNozzo. Spend time with your girls, it's precious."
Never much of a conversation maker, Gibbs ended the call then, leaving Tony speechless.
"What did Gibbs have to say?"
"He uh, he told me to take the week off. Spend time with you and Tikva."
"That was very nice of him to do, yes?"
"Yeah. A very un-Gibbs thing to do."
"He may have a hard exterior Tony, but he knows how important it is to spend time with the people you lo – care about."
Tony noticed her little slip but thought it best not to point it out.
"So Ziva, how do you think we should spend this newly freed week?"
"Well, I know that tonight I want to get this little one into bed and tomorrow I want to sleep as late as our daughter will let me."
"I love hearing you say that."
"Say what?"
"Our daughter. It's kinda hard to believe. I don't think it's completely sunk in yet."
"Well Tony, to help it 'sink in' as you say, would you like to help me put our daughter to sleep?"
"Of course." Tony said as he stood up, helping Ziva up as she went, then leaning down to pick up Tikva. They both kissed her head and told her they love her as Tony laid her down. "Well, let me just grab my clothes and I'll head out to the couch."
"Tony, I do not feel right kicking you out of your bed again. Let me sleep on the couch tonight so you can have your bed back."
"You're not kicking me out Ziva, I'm offering. I would feel bad for making you sleep on the couch."
"Like you just said, you are not making me, I am offering. We could trade out every other night, it is only fair."
Tony started to suggest they both just sleep in the bed since they've done it before but decided it was too early and he didn't want to risk scaring her away. He caved at her offer, knowing Ziva was just as stubborn as he was and would not back down. "Fine. Do you want me to move Tikva in there with you?"
"Do you not want her in here Tony?"
"Yes. No. Ugh, she's fine Ziva. I just thought maybe you would want to have her in there with you."
"It is okay Tony. She is your daughter too. I trust you to take care of her if she wakes?"
"Of course."
Ziva reached a hand up to his face and kissed his cheek, the moment bringing flashbacks of a post-Somalia men's room discussion to both parties. "Good night Tony. Sweet dreams."
"Good night Ziva." Tony lay awake for another half-hour that night listening to the sounds his daughter made in her sleep and thinking about how lucky he was to have the opportunity to be her father.
Nesikha – Princess
I started writing this chapter Jan 5, 2016 – the day MW announces his departure from NCIS. DiNozzo's departure will eventually be incorporated into the one-shots following this story.
Thanks again for all my lovely reviewers! I love hearing your thoughts. Always thanks to faithful reviewer Debbie, you're awesome!
Sue Ann, I actually have spent a lot of time around children (I worked 6 years in a nursery but I am not a parent so I know that's not the same) but I didn't think about Tikva's energy level so I thank you for pointing that out. Let's say that they started watching movies at 10 am after they had breakfast and Tikva had a lot of play time and they only watched 3 movies. I hope this makes more since for a 1 year old. If not, I apologize and ask you to tell me what would be more logical.