It's About Power
Chapter 12
"Hey Sookie!" Amelia greeted me with a beaming smile when I walked in to work at ten thirty on a Thursday morning. I gave her a half sort of wave, plastered on my shit-eating grin, and tied my apron around my waist. Amelia Broadway was a sweet girl, it turned out. Her saving of me on a crappy night when I was hit by a car turned out to be just one of Amelia's many charming qualities. Over the six weeks I knew her, I learned more and more about her. Amelia was a broadcaster. That is, her thoughts were ridiculously loud. I couldn't have blocked them out if I tried. I managed to keep her out of my head for about five minutes, in the car, talking about Chinese food, but that was the end of it. Amelia was determined to be my buddy, and I found that I couldn't deny her for long.
"Hey," I said quietly. I was rarely happy walking into work these days. I always woke up late after a long night of tossing and turning, dreaming about my ex-boyfriend, imagining he was watching me or hurting me or god only knows what else. I managed to keep him out of my daytime life, but at night I locked all my doors and watched endless episodes of kooky sitcoms. This week, I was working my way through the seventh season of Friends.
"So, you want to go bowling with me and Sam tonight? I called ahead and reserved a lane." Amelia grinned as she poured salt into shakers. I wanted some of whatever was in her cornflakes. Probably straight caffeine.
"I think I'm going to pass," I said. Bowling "tonight" meant bowling at night which meant being out after dark. I just wasn't ready for so bold a move. It had only been a month and a half since Bill and I had broken up. If he saw me out at night, he could find me. If he found me, he could get me. If he got me, he could hurt me. I wasn't about to make any steps that would allow for that.
"Well, okay, but we'd love to have you there," Amelia frowned. I could hear her broadcasting already, right through the bar, right into my brain like a stealth missile. Poor Sookie. If she just came out with us, we'd keep her safe. Sam wouldn't let a thing happen to her, and neither would I. That Bill Compton…some day he's going to get what's coming to him. I sighed. Sam had told her weeks ago. I figured the story of my crappy relationship and its terrible end after Gran passed away was all over Bon Temps by now. Heck, if I let myself open up the thought-hearing floodgates, I'd probably hear hundreds of folks wondering why I'd let that vampire into my life, wondering why I'd let him hurt me, wondering why I was such a stupid fool. They were right of course. And I didn't have the answers to give them, or to give myself.
"Maybe another time," I said. I turned to my tables and washed them down with a damp bar rag. I thought about bowling. When was the last time I'd gone out and had a good time? I had sort of enjoyed myself when I'd gone to Fangtasia with Bill. Bill. Ugh. He popped in my brain like the first waves of a migraine headache. Everything I'd done in the last year, everything I'd ever done for any sort of entertainment, I'd done with Bill. I'd stayed away from my friends, from my family, from my life. I'd spent all my time with Bill, and I'd been so happy. Except that I was completely unhappy. Heck, even my estranged ex-boyfriend had seen that I was completely miserable. Why had it taken me so long to get a fucking clue? Why Sookie? What's your damage?
I looked down at my table. I'd been rubbing the same spot with the dish rag for about five minutes. The varnish was actually rubbing off in that little spot. I stared in horror and covered it up with the sugar dish. I thought that sort of thing only happened in cartoons, like when Bugs Bunny paces in a circle until he's dug himself a big old donut hole in the ground! Amelia poked her head over my shoulder and laughed at my error. I let a little smile form on my lips. She was a good woman, that Amelia Broadway. She moved to give me a hug, but I shied away from the close contact. Before Bill, I'd never have turned down a good old bear hug from a friend, but things were different now. I couldn't let anyone get too close.
Sam popped up behind the bar as soon as I unlocked the front door. It was eleven o'clock and we were open for business. In the kitchen, Lafayette fired up the grill. I could hear it sizzling, and the smell of cooking grease made me a little hungry. Sam smiled at me and poured out a few glasses of fresh orange juice.
"I made it last night, brought it over from the trailer," he said, beaming a little bit. I don't like to read my boss's thoughts, so I never do. Besides, Sam is a man. He's pretty easy to read via body language, facial expressions, moods, that sort of thing. I took a glass off the counter and sipped it thoughtfully. Amelia chugged hers down in about three swallows. That was the sort of thing men liked to see. Believe me, I know.
"Tastes great, hon," Amelia smiled. She leaned over the counter and Sam gave her a quick kiss on her slightly puckered lips. I set my glass down and went to one of the booths to fold napkins. Watching them so happy made me uncomfortable. I couldn't help but think that soon, Sam was going to hurt Amelia. He was going to rip her to shreds, or use her and then ditch her, or rape her in an abandoned parking lot. I shuddered. Amelia came over and helped me fold linens. She didn't reach out and touch my hand, but she thought about it. I was glad she held back.
I worked until six and we all took off together. Amelia walked with me out to the parking lot and Sam followed behind us. He carried some stuff over to his trailer, grabbed his keys, and met us in the parking lot. Amelia sat on the hood of my old clunker. She was aching to hug me, to show me that she cared about me. I stayed a few steps away from her, and I kept my hands in my pockets.
"Are you sure you don't want to come with us, Sookie?" Sam asked. He stood beside Amelia and took her hand in his. They were both smiling. The security light glinted in Sam's strawberry blond hair. Amelia had her driving glasses out of the little black case. She was perching them on top of her head. I looked between the two of them, and I thought about Bill. I thought about the first time I met him, in the very bar I'd just left. I thought about the first time he drove me home, about asking to court me. How had things gotten so crazy? All I had wanted was to make him happy, and somehow I'd become the world's most miserable woman. Instantly, I imagined Sam grabbing Amelia and shoving her against the car. I thought about him telling her he didn't really love her but he always had her best interests at heart. Of course, her best interests included treating her like dirt and ignoring her when she did something wrong, but hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth right?
"I'm sure," I said quietly. The sun was still high in the sky and I had plenty of time to go to the grocery store, buy food, go home, lock all my doors, cook food, and settle down in front of the television to zone out. It would be a regular night, nothing crazy. I was looking forward to it.
"Okay Sook, we'll see you tomorrow." Sam said. He moved to kiss me on the cheek. I took five steps backward and opened my car door. I could tell by the look on his face that he was hurt, but he didn't say anything. I knew what it was like to keep silent when you were hurting. Some part of me wanted to reach out to him, but I didn't. It wasn't safe for me.
"Goodnight Sookie!" Amelia smiled.
I pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the grocery store about a mile from the house. The sun decided to set early. I walked quickly around the store, gathering chicken from the butcher, rice from the boxed foods isle, bottled water and Coke, low fat popcorn and fruit rollups. I love those things. When I got out of the checkout line and hurried outside, the sky was already stained pink with the sunset. I looked at my watch. It was about 7:30 and perfect timing for sunset. I'd stood talking in the parking lot too long. I drove home at break-neck speed. Bill's car was sitting in his driveway and he'd left the light on in his living room. Or had he? The sun had officially set, though it was light out still. It didn't matter. I hurried in the house, my heart beating a mile a minute.
I threw my groceries on the kitchen table and began locking all the doors and shutting all the windows. This was what my life was like now, now that I'd broken up with Bill Compton. I'd like to say that I didn't have any logical reason to act this way. Bill never came over after we broke up. He never called. But sometimes I'd see him standing on his half of our wide lawn, a bottle of blood in his hand, his eyes on the house. I'd dropped several glasses of soda pop that way, finding him staring at me, watching me. Now I closed the curtains, the shutters, the shades. I kept the doors locked, the windows shut. He couldn't get in the house, but I wasn't going to give him any extra opportunities.
After I'd cooked, I sat down in front of the television. I turned on my DVD and sat back. I was half-way through the infamous Thanksgiving episode when I finally calmed down. I tossed popcorn into my mouth and took a few deep breaths. The phone rang and I let it go to the machine. It hung up. Whoever it was, it obviously wasn't important. I closed my eyes and saw Bill looming in my brain, a nightmare. I opened them again. It was going to be one of those nights when I fought off sleep for as long as possible. My eyes stung. I drank more Coke.