It's About Power

Chapter 15

Daylight burns your sleepy eyes, it's hard to see you dreaming. You hide inside yourself and I wonder what you're thinking.

Goo Goo Dolls, "All Eyes on Me"

When he left, I expected things to get better, and they did. Sort of. Six months passed, and in that time I remembered what life was like outside, after dark. I'd catch myself staring at the big empty house across the lawn. Weeds grew up around the enclosed porch, and between the rocks on the gravel driveway. Bill had taken his car with him, so even when I forgot that he'd left, I could imagine he was gone for the evening. I did come to feel safer without him there, but there were still nightmares sometimes. I'd wake up screaming and I'd realize everything was okay. Sleep came easier knowing he couldn't possibly be out there, watching me, waiting for me. But even though Bill was gone, I was still living inside the bubble of protection I'd created for myself. I couldn't break out of it, and I couldn't get free of it. Part of me wasn't ready to be outside that bubble. It was dangerous out there.

Amelia and I became closer friends, and so it was no surprise when she knocked quietly on the back door and came in out of the blustery cold February weather. She shook out her jacket and hung it on the hook beside the door. She took off her scarf and her gloves, stuffed them into the pockets of her coat. She shook snowflakes from her hair and yelled to me as I walked out of the hall. I'd started sleeping in Gran's room, with the adjoining bathroom, so it was harder to hear a new visitor. Since I was always on alert, that fact made me a little nervous.

"Sookie!" Amelia called. She gave me a little bang on the wall so I'd definitely hear her. Amelia was thoughtful that way. I scooped up my hair in a towel, flung myself into some sweat pants and a thermal shirt, and walked out of the room to meet her. She smiled at me and we walked into the living room. Amelia had brought a slightly lumpy but still delicious looking batch of brownies. Tonight was our girls night in, away from Amelia's boyfriend and our boss, Sam. I didn't have any men to escape from, but I preferred it that way.

"So, I brought Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights and She's the Man. What are you in the mood for?" Amelia grabbed a brownie off the plate, but I playfully slapped her fingers. I had dinner in the oven, a good ol' casserole from Gran's recipe box.

"Um, how about She's the Man? I could use a good comedy." I shrugged my shoulders and went to check on the food. "Don't go eating those brownies now! I can read your thoughts!"

"Yeah yeah," Amelia smirked. She got up off the sofa to put the movie in. I yanked the casserole dish out of the oven and set it carefully on the stovetop. Then I pulled a baggie of frozen winter squash out of the microwave.

We ate contentedly while we watched the movie. Amelia paused the DVD when it was time to clean up the dishes, and I emptied the washer while she scraped the plates into the garbage disposal.

"So I have some news," Amelia said, closing the lid on a Tupperware container.

"Oh? What?" I asked, trying not to dig into her head so I knew what she was going to say before she said it.

"Sam and I have started talking about getting married," Amelia beamed. I dropped a plate. It careened toward the floor and smashed into a thousand tiny pieces. It was one of Gran's everyday china plates, and I stared at the slivers of ceramic, horrified. I bent down and started scooping up the pieces with my bare hands. Amelia pushed the dishwasher door shut and bent down to help me, armed with a plastic grocery bag and a dish rag.

We cleaned up the plate bits together. The dish wasn't salvageable. I didn't know if they made that pattern anymore, but I was determined to go out to the stores in Shreveport on my next day off so I could look for it. It felt like a little piece of that ceramic was poking me in the heart. My body was wracked by a thousand different emotions. I had somehow disrespected Gran's memory by breaking her plate. I was distraught that Amelia was putting so much faith in a relationship that was not yet a year old. I had made a huge mess on the floor and that made me, instantly, think of Bill punishing me for doing it. I'd bend down on my knees at his feet and beg his forgiveness. He'd usually find some physical way of taking my penance out on me. But the guilt was the hardest thing. I'd spend days trying to make up for the loss of a single dish, or an unmade bed, or a tear in the upholstery, or any other tiny transgression.

"Sookie, hon, you're crying," Amelia frowned. "It's really okay. It's just a plate."

"I can't…" I whimpered. I grabbed a paper towel off the roll and held it against my wet cheeks. I had a few cuts on my fingers and the few drops of blood made an even bigger mess. I blew my nose and wiped my face. I splashed water on my hands and eyes. I sucked it up.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to break down like that." I grunted, straight-faced. I looked down at the broken plate bits in the bag. Fuck. If I kept doing this to myself, I'd never stop crying.

"It's too soon," I said to Amelia as soon as I'd regained my composure.

"Oh Sookie, he isn't like Bill. Sam's a good man. You know that!"

"Doesn't matter. It's too soon to be making such a huge commitment."

"Sookie, he hasn't given me a ring or anything. We're just talking about it."

"He's just going to hurt you. I've been through it, okay? I know what I'm talking about. Just don't do anything you're going to regret." I made that my final say on the subject.

Amelia and I went back to our movie. We sat in absolute silence, but I knew what Amelia was thinking. She was worried about me, about my reaction. She'd never seen me cry before, not really, and it scared her. She was thinking about buying me a new plate. She thought about putting bandaids on my cut fingers. She wanted, no, she ached to hug me. Instead, we gorged ourselves on brownies. When the movie was over, the snow was coming down pretty hard. I asked Amelia to spend the night in my old bedroom, and she agreed. She spent twenty minutes on her cellular, talking to Sam.

At work, things weren't much better. I drove Amelia to her house to change, and then we showed up at the bar on a Saturday afternoon together. Arlene had the mid-shift, and it was obvious she'd been crying. Amelia touched her shoulder and asked her what was wrong. I stood awkwardly next to the two of them, my hands stuffed in the pockets of my coat. The three of us lingered in the hall in front of Sam's office. Beyond us, I heard the familiar sounds of a busy bar on a cold February day.

"Rene broke up with me," Arlene sobbed into her apron. Her shoulders heaved and she moved to bury herself in my shoulder. I pulled back, pressing myself against the opposite wall. Amelia took up the reins and pulled Arlene into her arms.

"I'm sorry, Arlene," I frowned. I just knew that was going to happen. He was going to give her some great times, and then he was going to treat her like shit. A cold shiver rolled down my spine. I wanted to give Rene what-for, hurt him the way he had hurt Arlene. I imagined myself standing in front of him, both fists raised, punching and punching until he begged me to stop. I'd never have the guts for it, but I wanted to do it all the same.

"Sookie," Arlene whimpered. She pressed her snotty nose against my shoulder. She buried herself against me. The room closed in on me like a coffin. Everything was too close and there was no way out. I was claustrophobic and I never had been before. Oh God, Arlene, get off of me. Please, I don't know what to do for you. I don't know what to say. I can't help you. Please get OFF of me! I backed up and made a run for it. I hid in the employee bathroom. I crouched on the floor and stared at the identical blue tiles. I didn't cry.

Days at work weren't usually this hard, but then, my world stayed pretty normal these days. I came out of the bathroom when Amelia came knocking.

"Arlene just went home. Everything okay with you?"

"I'm fine," I said briefly.

"Okay. Well, I need your help if you're ready to come out and work. Things are crazy busy in there, you know?" Amelia stuck her thumb out and gestured to the bar.

"Yeah. I'm coming," I nodded.

We walked out to the restaurant in single file. Sam was behind the bar, mixing drinks and pouring beers. Lafayette was working in the kitchen, his head buried in steam and smoke coming off the grill. The tables were packed with people, and I could see my brother, Jason, and his friend Hoyt among them. They waved at me. Amelia and I split up the tables and went to work. I plastered on my big fake smile and grabbed a tray off the bar. I bounced from one table to the next, taking orders and delivering food and drinks. Jason ordered the biggest hamburger we sold, and Hoyt decided on chicken strips. I saw Andy Bellefleur, the town detective, in Amelia's section. He scowled at me and I stuck out my tongue, in a cutesy sort of way, back at him.

Working at Merlotte's is a pretty okay job. I've worked there for a few years now and I recognize most of the customers. We get a fair few regulars because, hey, Bon Temps is a pretty small town. However, since we're close to the interstate, we get our share of unusual characters and out-of-towners too. Things were going well for me that night until I let my guard down. I shouldn't have. I wouldn't have if I hadn't gotten distracted by the girl sitting on my brother's knee, laying on the charm. I wanted to know what she was about, what her plans were for my brother. I didn't trust anybody these days, except maybe Amelia, and I certainly didn't trust anyone putting the moves on members of my entirely too small family. I caught his thoughts on the wind, it seemed like. I didn't notice they were coming from him until he made his own move on my personal space.

Hoo boy, look at that ass. I'd tap that. I'd tap that so hard she'd fall on her knees and beg me to stop. Shit, I wouldn't be able to. Man I'd just have to keep goin until the wind fell outta my sails. Damn. That is one hot piece of sumthin good. She'd keep me warm on these crazy cold night. Wow. Fuck me a lady tonight.

He stuck out his hand and placed it on my backside. I turned. I turned so fast it would've made his head spin. I lifted up my tray and brought it down, right across his face. I'm not a strong woman, but he was leaning back in his chair, the sonofabitch. He fell right backwards onto the floor. His nose was actually bleeding a little. Behind the bar, Sam had picked up his baseball bat. He was swinging his lean figure over the counter and coming to my rescue. I didn't need him. I didn't need anyone. But fuck if I wasn't about to cry. I ran from the bar as fast as I could go. I hid myself in the employee bathroom again, just because it was too cold to go outside.

"Sookie?" Amelia called through the door. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," I whispered through my tears. I wasn't going to let anyone see me cry. I wasn't weak little Sookie Stackhouse anymore. I was tough. I'd just proved it.

"Sookie, let me in."

"Not now."

"Please Sook," Amelia pleaded. She tried the knob but I'd locked it. "Come on Sookie, Sam kicked that man out. He's gone."

"I can't right now." I sighed. My lips quivered.

"Sookie, you did really well," Amelia said. "You really did."

In six months, I'd said goodbye to Bill Compton. I'd shut the door on that part of my life, that crazy, horrible section of my life. But I was still living it. I was still afraid and I was still trying to prove myself. I wasn't ever going to let a man like that back into my life again, and I was determined not to let him in to the lives of any of my friends either. The problem was, I'd gone from being completely open to completely shut. I'd cut myself off from everyone. I was alone in the world, and that seemed safer. I wanted to feel safe again.