It's About Power
Chapter 19
Love takes hostages and gives them pain, gives someone the power to hurt you again and again.
-James Morrison, "Love is Hard"
My second night in "The Big Apple," I actually got the chance to earn my paycheck. It sounds so silly doesn't it? In one of my favorite movies (of all time, as Amelia would say), High Fidelity, Jack Black's character says one of my favorite lines: "I never thought I'd say this, but can I go work now?" It always makes me giggle. Anyway, at about eight o'clock, I finished getting dressed in an attractive evening business suit. Eric knocked politely on my bedroom door. I grabbed my clutch and we left. The meeting was in the building, so we didn't have to go too far. I followed Eric through a series of hallways, like the switchbacks on a mountain road, and we finally arrived in an enormous banquet hall. There were a few tables and chairs on the outskirts of the room, but for the most part, it was standing room only.
Eric and I walked side by side, not touching, and he introduced me to a number of his business partners. I pulled down the walls of my psyche and listened intently while Eric talked about his interests and investments. I didn't follow any of it, but that wasn't my job. I found out that one of the men was gay, and had the hots for the vampire, and the other one was sleeping with Mr. Gay Businessman's wife. He was thinking about leaving early so they could go mess around in private before Mr. Gay Businessman retired for the evening. Interesting. When we wandered off to talk to other people, Eric pumped me for information. My findings made him laugh, and that made me laugh.
I was in good spirits, and I had a few spirits in me, when we walked back through the maze of hallways, and got in the elevator to ride up to the 30th floor. It was about eleven thirty or so and my tummy was grumbling. As soon as we got to the room, I ordered a hamburger from the overtly fancy room service menu. Eric ordered a bottle of very expensive synthetic blood. I figured it must have been the champagne of bloods, judging from the price per bottle. Good grief. Room service came quickly and I practically wolfed my food down. I washed my mouth out with one of those one-shot bottles of liquor from the $10 a bottle amenities bar. It was just one of those goofy nights that involved drinking and talking. I had enough in me that I could even be a little liberal with my thoughts. That's how the topic started, I'm sure. I hiccupped.
"So," I started. I was stretched out across the pinstriped damask sofa, my shoes kicked off. There was a hole in the toe of my pantyhose. "How do you feel about casual sex?"
"Pardon?" Eric blinked. He might have choked on his blood if he was sipping from it. That would've been gross so I was mighty glad his glass was sitting, untouched, on the coffee table between us. Eric was sitting in one of the matching chairs across from me. He had his feet up on the edge of the table.
"Casual sex," I said again. "See, I'm done with relationships. I don't like them. I don't want to have to trust anyone with so much of myself again, and I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's crap. Does that make sense? But see, I miss the sex part. Just the sex part, mind you. I don't miss any other part of the whole relationship deal. I don't want to cuddle or hug or get all kissy faced or anything. I just like the sex part." I realized I was ranting a little and I stopped.
"Well," Eric said, maybe delicately. "It isn't that I'm opposed to it specifically, but I don't want to pursue that… type of thing with you, Sookie."
"Why not?" It was my turn to blink and I did. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not sexy enough?
"For two reasons," he replied, holding up his fingers. "One: I don't think you actually want the thing that you say you want, and two: I want to have a relationship with you."
"Well, I'm done with relationships. I already said that."
"Yes, you certainly did."
"So that's out."
"Tell me what happened with Bill," Eric said. He took his feet down off the table.
"I already did."
"Sookie," Eric frowned. Okay, he had a point. I'd told him what happened in that I'd said it was sucky and I got out of it. I looked across the table at Eric. Then I downed the rest of the little bottle of tequila I'd been nursing. I was about two sheets to the wind, which means I was coherent but definitely past the point of inhibitions. If I was going to be honest, this was the time to do it.
"I've never told anyone this stuff before," I said quietly. I sat cross-legged on the sofa and leaned back against the arm. I didn't look at him. Instead, I stared out the window, at the dark spot that was the Hudson. I talked to it, and that made it so much easier.
"I met Bill at Merlotte's, and everything was really great when we started out. I really liked him, and he was sort of different. He reminded me a lot of Rhett Butler. And the best part was that I couldn't read him. I couldn't read his thoughts at all. I never dated before Bill. I mean, okay, I went on dates, but I'd never been in a relationship. You know? I mean, it's hard when you know what a guy's thinking, and most of it's dirty. But when you don't know, that makes it okay." I was talking a mile a minute, but Eric didn't seem to mind. He just sat there and listened to me. Every word I spoke made the next one easier.
"I don't even know how the bad stuff started happening. There's not a doubt in my mind that I let it happen. I didn't have to do those things. I could have stopped him. But I never did. I never just looked him in the eye and said no I don't want to. I don't know why. I don't know why I didn't just push him away. It isn't that he was stronger than me. I mean, he is, but that's not important. I don't have an excuse. He didn't beat me or even hit me. He yelled at me a lot. He told me he was disappointed in me. But he never hurt me, not like the girls you always hear about, you know? Never once did he lift a hand and break me. That's what makes it different."
I took a breath. I looked at Eric. His face was soft but otherwise blank. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. That made it easier too. He never asked what the things were that I'd done, and I wasn't going to tell him. Just knowing that I'd done them was enough for now. He could think about them on his own.
"We were together for longer than I've ever been with anyone. I gave him everything. He had all my time and I was always with him or thinking about him. I never wanted anything but to please him. That's all I ever wanted. I think that was my problem. That's how I let it happen. I let him take advantage of me, and I shouldn't have. I let it happen."
And then I was crying. Oh fuck, oh fuck. I reached for tissues and came up empty handed. I wiped my face on my arm. Eric pulled a box of tissues from the side table and handed them to me. I dried my eyes quickly. I was losing control. I couldn't lose control.
"I can't let go, you know? I realize how stupid that sounds but I just can't. I had no control when I was with him. And now, I just can't let go of it. Everything has to be in my power. If it isn't, then I don't want to be doing it or feeling it or letting it out. I can't let anyone in. They'll try to control me, the same way he did. I just know if I stop holding on, it'll happen again. I'll let it happen again. I'll let them run my life and I just can't…"
I dried my eyes and took a deep breath. You can do this, Sookie. You're in control.
Eric got up off the chair and came around the table to sit on the cushion beside me. I still couldn't discern the look on his face. I saw him through my watery eyes, but whatever that look was, I couldn't figure it out. He moved closer to me and I froze, like a deer in headlights. He took one of my hands in his, the hand clutching the tissue. He looked right into my eyes and even though I desperately wanted to, I couldn't look away. I couldn't do anything but look back at him. My lower lip trembled.
"It wasn't your fault," he said. His voice was smooth and deep. I wanted to close my eyes and take it in like an elixir, but I kept looking at his eyes. I tried to listen to him, to hear what he had to say. I don't know if I was actually successful.
"You're wrong." I shook my head. I clenched my fists. It was my fault. I had to take responsibility for that. I put myself in that place. I let him in.
"Sookie," Eric frowned. He pulled me against his chest. Maybe it was the booze in me. Maybe it was the fact that I'd just said everything I'd been thinking for months out loud. Whatever it was, I let myself get pulled. I pressed my cheek against his chest. I tucked my head under his chin. His fingers ran through my hair. "He abused you. He manipulated you and took advantage of you. Do you hear me? It's not your fault."
He pulled me back a little and pressed his hand under my chin. He tilted my head up and I was looking into him again. His eyes were darker, but I still couldn't determine his mood.
"You'll never forget what he did to you," he said gently. He sounded so sympathetic, so knowledgeable. "But you have to let go. You have to stop holding people back, stop fighting everyone. You have to let someone into your life, or you'll never be whole again."
"I can't," I whispered. I realized I was shaking. The thought of letting someone in, it scared me to the core.
"You can," he murmured. His mouth pressed firmly against my forehead. I closed my eyes and he tucked me back into the wealth of space that was his chest cavity. "Let me in, Sookie. I won't let anyone hurt you."